一地鸡毛 (9 page)

"It's not that easy! True, there is such a report in the office. But I was told there are many mistakes in it. It can't be processed right away."

The lame old man once fed horses for an important man. But now he has come down in the world and become the water meter inspector, unable to see what is the meaning behind Little Lin's words. He smiles ingratiatingly.

"It's not easy, you're right. I told the county magistrate and the Party secretary that Beijing is different from local places. There are strict regulations for things here. But please try to help!"

By now, Young Lin's wife understands what the old man means. She says, "Grandpa, all he knows is how to steal water. How is he able to help you with such an important matter?"

Looking very much embarrassed, the old man says:

"It was all a mistake. A real misunderstanding, truly. I am to blame for listening to others. How much does a ton of running water cost and who would have stolen water like that?"

He hurries to zip open the big bag and takes from it a big cardboard box:

"This gift is a token of regard from the people of my county. Please accept it!"

Then he limps away giving Young Lin a wink as he leaves. As soon as he is gone, his wife comments:

"It seems that our life is going to take a turn!"

"Why?" he asks.

Pointing at the cardboard box, she answers:

"Look, we are beginning to receive gifts."

They open the box and are flabbergasted to find a small-sized microwave oven, which must have cost seven to eight hundred yuan on the market.

Young Lin says, "This is not right. If the gift was a mere doll we could accept it. How can we accept a gift worth seven to eight hundred yuan? I'll send it back tomorrow!"

His wife feels the same. Both of them are weighed down with worry while having dinner. Later in the evening his wife suddenly asks: "Is it easy to have that report approved?"

He answers: "Very easy. If I see Little Peng tomorrow, it can be done immediately."

She claps her hands: "If so, I'll keep this microwave oven!"

Young Lin still feels uneasy: "Is it right? Isn't this what they call using public office for private gain? To help pass a report and get a microwave for it? Besides, we'll give a handle to the old man if we keep it!"

His wife replies: "If you settle the matter for him, what handle can he have? What do you mean—using public office for private gain? Others are engaged in thousands upon thousands yuan of profiteering and still reach high positions! A microwave is nothing!"

He thinks for a while and agrees, saying nothing more. His wife immediately plugs in the microwave and roasts some sweet potatoes. Several minutes later, the room is filled with a pleasant aroma of sweet potatoes. The potatoes are piping hot, and brown. Each of the family has a piece. Young Lin's wife happily remarks that a microwave is very useful. Apart from sweet potatoes, it can bake cakes, buns, chickens and ducks. He also enjoys the sweet potato. He has learnt from this experience. It seems as if there are ways to improve one's living standards. All one needs to do is to be more active. He and his wife spend a pleasant evening and his wife is very passionate indeed. Not watching the soccer match yesterday evening is of little importance.

The next day, he sees Little Peng. The report is processed as they chat.

Two weeks later, their daughter suddenly begins to cry again about going to nursery. Previously, she had been happy to go, hopping and skipping on her way. But for the past two days she has behaved strangely. She complains of a tummy ache and is constipated. Yet she excretes nothing in toilet. After making her go to nursery she doesn't cry anymore but looks scared and in a daze. Her parents are frightened. They wonder if she is being bullied or the teacher doesn't like her, or whether her self-esteem has been hurt by being severely punished and so question her but she answers there is nothing wrong.

They find out from other children's parents. It is their fault. They have been negligent about the New Year. All the other children's parents gave gifts, big or small, to the nursery teachers, except them, and their child has suffered the consequences. His wife blames Young Lin:

"Look at this! You can't even remember New Year's Day when your child is going to a nursery. The teachers must have taken us as stingy and poor!"

He admits: "We've been careless. When our gift was refused before, it made us wary of doing it again even when we ought to have done!" 

They discuss what to present as a late offering. It is hard to decide. A New Year's card or a calendar is too slight. A blanket or clothes are too expensive and they might not be acceptable.

"Shall we ask the child?" says Young Lin.

His wife answers: "Why ask her? She knows nothing about this!"

He calls the child over and asks her whether she knows what kind of gifts other children have given the teachers. She answers:

"Charcoal!"

He is surprised: "Charcoal? Why charcoal? Why did they give the teachers charcoal?"

He asks his wife to find out the next day. Indeed, the child has told the truth. Many parents gave charcoal as gifts to the teachers before New Year's Day. The reason being it is winter and in winter instant boiled mutton is popular among Beijing people. So charcoal is given to put in the braziers.

"That's easy. They gave charcoal so we'll do the same!" Young Lin says.

But charcoal is out of stock in Beijing now. Young Lin is worried. He thinks they ought to buy something other than charcoal, as others have given it, theirs would be unwanted. Better give something else. But the child has remembered "charcoal, " and when she wakes up in the morning, the first thing she says is:

"Dad, have you bought charcoal for my teacher?"

A three-year-old child is so obstinate. He feels it annoying and amusing at the same time. Patting the bed, he promises:

"Is it just charcoal? I'm looking all over the city and I promise I'll get it!"

He finds it in a small hide-away store in a Beijing suburb, rather expensive but he's glad he has got it after all. His wife takes the gift to the nursery. The next day, the child is back to normal and is again willing to go to the nursery. When she is happy, the whole family is happy too. That evening, Young Lin's wife has half a chicken roasting in the microwave and gives him a bottle of beer. Drinking it, he feels a little dizzy, as though he were growing bigger. He tells his wife that worldly matters are in fact very simple. Once you are clear about the way to go and follow it closely, your life will flow comfortably like water. Comfort will reign over the world, the same warmth and cold throughout the globe. Seeing that he is now drunk, his wife gives him a stare and snatches the beer out of his hand. With no more to drink, his head is already muddled and he falls into a deep sleep. He has a dream — that he is sleeping under a heap of chicken feathers with many people's scurf beneath. They are soft and comforting. In his happiness, he feels one year seems to pass as a day. Then he sees a huge crowd of people slowly drifting forward and then turning into lines of ants begging for rain. When he wakes it is dawn. Shaking his head he tries to remember his dreams but they are very vague now. His wife also wakes up. Seeing the stupid look on his face, she urges him to go and buy bean curd. He is sober-minded now, shrugs off the dream and goes to queue for bean curd before going to work. In the office, he receives a letter from the son of his primary school teacher who once came to Beijing for medical treatment. It says that three months after the Beijing trip, his father passed away. Before his death, he asked his son to write to Young Lin to thank him for the hospitality he showed him. The letter makes him sad throughout the day. When he was ill he came to Young Lin's place but he did not help him find a hospital or let him wash his face, yet this teacher once took off his own padded coat to wrap him in when he fell through a hole in the ice when he was a child. At the end of a miserable day, in the shuttle bus going home, he suddenly remembers that his stack of cabbages is getting too warm. He ought to take them apart when he gets home. The thought of his teacher is thus pushed out of his mind. The dead is already dead and there is no use thinking about him; the living had better think of cabbages first. Young Lin also says to himself that he will be well-content if his wife roasts some more chicken and gives him another bottle of beer.

Translated by Ma Aiying

一地鸡毛

一

小林家一斤豆腐变馊了。

一斤豆腐有五块，二两一块，这是公家副食店卖的。个体户的豆腐一斤一块，水分大，发稀，锅里炒不成团。小林每天清早六点起床，到公家副食店门口排队买豆腐。排队也不一定每天都能买到豆腐，要么排队的人多，赶排到了，豆腐也卖完了；要么还没排到，已经七点了，小林得离开豆腐队去赶单位的班车。最近单位办公室新到一个处长老关，新官上任三把火，对迟到早退抓得挺紧。最使人感到丧气的是，队眼看排到了，上班的时间也到了。离开豆腐队，小林就要对长长的豆腐队咒骂一声：

“妈拉个×，天底下穷人家多了真不是好事！”

但今天小林把豆腐买到了。不过他今天排队排到七点十五，把单位的班车给误了。不过今天误了也就误了，办公室处长老关今天到部里听会，副处长老何到外地出差去了，办公室管考勤的临时变成了一个新来的大学生，这就不怕了，于是放心排队买豆腐。豆腐拿回家，因急着赶公共汽车上班，忘记把豆腐放到了冰箱里，晚上回来，豆腐仍在门厅塑料兜里藏着，大热的天，哪有不馊的道理？

豆腐变馊了，老婆又先于他下班回家，这就使问题复杂化了。老婆一开始是责备看孩子的保姆，怪她不打开塑料袋，把豆腐放到冰箱里。谁知保姆一点不买账。保姆因嫌小林家工资低，家里饭菜差，早就闹着罢工，要换人家，还是小林和小林老婆好哄歹哄，才把人家留下；现在保姆看着馊豆腐，一点不心疼，还一股脑把责任都推给了小林，说小林早上上班走时，根本没有交代要放豆腐。小林下班回来，老婆就把怒气对准了小林，说你不买豆腐也就罢了，买回来怎么还让它在塑料袋里变馊？你这存的是什么心？小林今天在单位很不愉快，他以为今天买豆腐晚点上班没什么，谁知道新来的大学生很认真，看他八点没到，就自作主张给他划了一个“迟到”。虽然小林气鼓鼓上去自己又改成“准时”，但一天心里很不愉快，还不知明天大学生会不会汇报他。现在下班回家，见豆腐馊了，他也很丧气，一方面怪保姆太斤斤计较，走时没给你交代，就不能往冰箱里放一放了？放几块豆腐能把你累死？一方面怪老婆小题大做，一斤豆腐，馊了也就馊了，谁也不是故意的，何必说个没完，大家一天上班都很累，接着还要做饭弄孩子，这不是有意制造疲劳空气？于是说：

“算了算了，怪我不对，一斤豆腐，大不了今天晚上不吃，以后买东西注意放就是了！”

如果话到此为止，事情也就过去了，可惜小林憋不住气，又补了一句：

“一斤豆腐就上纲上线个没完了，一斤豆腐才值几个钱？上次你失手打碎一个暖水壶，七八块钱，谁又责备你了？”

老婆一听暖水壶，马上又来了火，说：“动不动你提暖水壶，上次暖水壶怪我吗？本来那暖水壶就没放好，谁碰到都会碎！咱们别说暖水壶，说花瓶吧！上个月花瓶是怎么回事？花瓶可是好端端地在大立柜上边放着，你抹灰尘给抹碎了，你倒有资格说我了！”

接着就戗到了小林跟前，眼里噙着泪，胸部一挺一挺的，脸变得没有血色。根据小林的经验，老婆的脸一无血色，就证明她今天在单位也很不顺。老婆所在的单位，和小林的单位差不多，让人愉快的时候不多。可你在单位不愉快，把这不愉快带回来发泄就道德了？小林就又气鼓鼓地想跟她理论花瓶。照此理论下去，一定又会盘盘碟碟牵扯个没完，陷入恶性循环，最后老婆会把那包馊豆腐摔到小林头上。保姆看到小林和小林老婆吵架，已经习惯了，就像没看见一样，在旁边若无其事地剪指甲。这更激起了两个人的愤怒。小林已做好破碗破摔的准备，幸好这时有人敲门，大家便都不吱声了。老婆赶紧去抹脸上的眼泪，小林也压抑住自己的怒气，保姆把门打开，原来是查水表的老头来了。

查水表的老头是个瘸子，每月来查一次水表。老头子腿瘸，爬楼很不方便，到每一个人家都累得满头大汗，先喘一阵气，再查水表。但老头工作积极性很高，有时不该查水表也来，说来看看水表是否运转正常。但今天是该查水表的日子，小林和小林老婆都暂时收住气，让保姆领他去查水表。老头查完水表，并没有走的意思，而是自作主张在小林家床上坐下了。老头一坐下，小林心里就发凉，因为老头一在谁家坐下，就要高谈阔论一番，说说他年轻时候的事。他说他年轻时曾给某位死去的大领导喂过马。小林初次听他讲，还有些兴趣，问了他一些细节，看他一副瘸样，年轻时竟还和大领导接触过；但后来听得多了，心里就不耐烦，你年轻时喂过马，现在不照样是个查水表的？大领导已经死了，还说他干什么？但因为他是查水表的，你还不能得罪他。他一不高兴，就敢给你整个门洞停水。老头子手里就提着管水闸的扳手。看着他手里的扳手，你就得听他讲喂马。不过今天小林实在不欢迎他讲马，人家家里正闹着气，你也不看一看家庭气氛，就擅自坐下，于是就板着脸没过去，没像过去一样跟他打招呼。

但查水表的老头不管这个，自己从口袋里已经掏出了烟。划火点着烟，屋里就飘起了老头鼻腔的味道。小林知道老头接着就要讲马，但小林猜错了，这次老头没有讲马，而是一脸严肃地说，他要谈些正事。他说，据群众反映，这个门洞有人偷水，晚上不把水管龙头关死，故意让水往下滴，下边放个水桶接着；滴水水表不转，桶里的水不成偷的了？这样下去是不行的，大家都偷水，自来水厂如何受得了？

听了老头的话，小林与小林老婆脸都一赤一白的。说来惭愧，因为上个礼拜小林家就偷过几次水，是小林老婆在单位闲聊中听到的办法，回来指使保姆试验。后来小林看不上，觉得这事太委琐，一吨水才几分钱，何必干这个？一夜水管嘀嘀嗒嗒个没完，大家也难心安理得睡觉。于是在第三天就停止了。但这事老头子怎么会知道？是谁汇报的？小林和小林老婆都不约而同想到了对门。对门住着一对胖子，女主人自称长得像印度人，眉心常点着一个红豆。他们家也有一个孩子，大小与小林家孩子差不多，两家孩子常在一起玩，也常打架；为了孩子，小林老婆与印度女人有些面和心不和。两家主人不和，两家保姆却很要好，虽然不是一个省来的，却常在一起共同商讨对付主人的办法。准是两家保姆乱串，印度女人得知小林家滴过两回水，就汇报了老头子，现在有了老头子一番话。但这种事如何上得了台面，如何说得出口？说出口以后在人前怎么站？小林赶紧到老头子跟前，正色声明，这门洞有没有人偷水他不知道，但他家是决不干这种事，他家虽然穷，但穷有穷的骨气！小林老婆也上去说，谁反映的这事，就证明谁偷水，不然他怎么会知道偷水的方法，这不是贼喊捉贼是什么？老头子听了他们的话，弹了一下烟灰：

“行了，这事就到这里为止了。以前大家偷没有偷，就既往不咎了，以后注意不偷就行了！”