You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me (16 page)

‘Sweetheart, you’re a lifesaver,’ Max said as he drizzled ketchup all over his eggs. ‘Honestly, you keep spoiling me like this and we’re going to have to make things official.’

The waitress giggled even though Max didn’t even attempt to sound sincere, Neve thought to herself angrily, as she tugged off her other glove so she could eat her toast and eggs with a knife and fork. She’d been brought up properly, unlike Max who was shovelling baked beans on to a torn-off piece of toast.

It was hard to keep a grip on her cutlery when her fingers were turning blue. ‘Why are we sitting outside anyway?’ she asked.

To her surprise, Max smiled weakly and gestured under the table. ‘I brought my wingman in case things got sticky, but I needn’t have bothered as things have been going so
fantastically
well.’

‘You brought your what?’ Neve scooched back her chair so she could peer under the table. Curled around Max’s chair legs was a stocky, tan-coloured dog that looked like a Rottweiler or a bull mastiff or another breed of devil dog that the
Daily Mail
was always trying to get banned. Neve gave the dog, and the bondage harness it was wearing, a wary look but she needn’t have bothered. The dog glanced up, caught Neve’s eye, and then huddled further under the chair with its front paws over its eyes. It was unbelievably cute but also rather a blow to Neve’s ego.

‘I don’t think he likes me,’ she said.

‘Keith doesn’t like anyone.’

‘Your dog’s called Keith? That’s not a dog’s name.’

Max shrugged helplessly. ‘It’s the only name he’ll answer to. I tried out other noble and rugged names like Troy and Cassius, but he wasn’t having it. Are you really too cold out here? You should have said something.’

Neve shook her head. ‘I’ll be all right as long as I warm my hands on the teapot every couple of minutes,’ she said, because there wasn’t much else she could say. They were meant to be brunching together and if Max had brought his dog, then they were going to have to brunch
al fresco
.

‘It’s just I try to spend a lot of time with Keith on the weekend. I have a dog-walker, but Keith gets left on his own during the week and he has serious abandonment issues.’

‘He does?’ Neve risked another look at Keith, who was still doing the whole see no evil thing.

‘Well, he was a stray …’ Max paused. ‘You sure you want to hear this?’

‘Of course I do. I always wanted a puppy when I was little but Celia had asthma so I made do with a goldfish. Goldfish are really boring pets,’ Neve added, as she thought back to the many fish she’d owned and the many times she’d come downstairs in the morning to find their bloated, white-bellied corpses floating on top of the water.

‘I didn’t have any pets,’ Max said. ‘Though one time I stole my friend’s guinea pig and took it home, which didn’t go down well with my mum. She thought we had rats.’

Neve smiled and Max smiled back and it was such a relief not to be sniping at each other that Neve stopped fidgeting with the sugar bowl or pretending to read the menu or even calculating how long it would be before she could leave.

‘So, you were going to tell me the root of Keith’s abandonment issues,’ Neve prompted. ‘You don’t think he’ll get paranoid if we talk about him?’

‘Paranoia is so far down the list of his emotional disorders that I think we’ll be OK,’ Max said with a grin, leaning back on his chair. ‘So a couple of summers ago, my Broadband went wonky and I had to get an engineer around …’

Neve had finished her scrambled eggs and toast and was on her second pot of tea by the time Max had finished the heart-wrenching saga of Keith’s early years. He’d followed the Broadband engineer into Max’s flat. Max had assumed that Keith belonged to the engineer and it was a bit of a cheek for him to take his dog along on house calls, but the engineer had found Keith sitting on the doorstep and thought that he was Max’s dog.

‘I think he belonged to someone who’d gone on holiday and couldn’t afford to have him kennelled so they just dumped him and hoped he’d be there when they got back,’ Max said, reaching down to pat Keith. ‘He was a bit beaten up, as if he’d got into a lot of fights, and when I took him to the animal shelter, they discovered these older scabs and scars as if his owners hadn’t treated him very well.’

‘So you didn’t leave him at the shelter?’ Neve asked.

‘Oh, I did,’ Max assured her. ‘But I went back for him five minutes later. He had a skin condition and cowered and barked when anyone but me went near him and I couldn’t see him being adopted any time soon, so I broke him out of there.’

Neve could feel everything in her turning to mush. ‘Aw, poor Keith,’ she cooed. ‘Poor little pooch.’

It was a voice other women reserved for clucking at babies and kittens but Neve had yet to see a baby that didn’t look like an angry, hairless old man, and ever since she’d been bitten by next door’s cat when she was six and had to have a tetanus shot, she’d been a dog person. When her mother had corralled her into going to the Goddess Workshop to boost her self-esteem, there had been a lot of banging on about finding her happy place. It turned out that her happy place was a field of lolloping, rollicking Labrador puppies and, although she wasn’t a crier, a particularly poignant episode of
It’s Me or the Dog
could have her in pieces.

‘Keith lives in the lap of luxury these days,’ Max said sourly, his eyes crinkling up as if he was trying to suppress a smile. ‘He’s spoiled rotten.’

Neve felt it was only fair to revise her low opinion of Max. He couldn’t be quite so feckless and shallow if he’d actually managed to make a commitment to another living being who obviously adored him if the snuffly noises from under the table were anything to go by.

‘He deserves to be spoiled,’ Neve insisted, and then she was sticking her head under the table so she could talk in that sickly voice again. ‘You need lots of TLC, don’t you? Yes, you do.’

Keith raised his head, and just as Neve expected him to either bare his teeth or retreat so far under Max’s chair that he came out the other side, he cautiously came a little closer to her outstretched hand and sniffed it.

‘I don’t believe it,’ Max muttered, when he saw what was going on.

‘He knows I’m a friend,’ Neve said, gently rubbing the back of her hand against Keith’s head. ‘You’re a lovely boy, aren’t you?’

‘Have you got some liver treats hidden up your sleeve?’

Neve shook her head. ‘I don’t normally carry liver treats on the off-chance that I might run into a skittish dog I want to befriend.’

‘Keith usually hates strangers.’ Max frowned, as he watched Keith nuzzle Neve’s hand. ‘You should feel very honoured.’

All in all, it was a good place for their disastrous date to end, Neve decided as she pulled her purse out of her bag and tried to catch the waitress’s eye. ‘Well, this has been, um … interesting, but I think …’

Max reached across the table to place his hand on top of hers to stop her from opening her purse. ‘I’ll get this,’ he said firmly. His fingers were shockingly warm against her chilled skin. ‘You’re freezing!’

‘Really, I’m fine,’ Neve told him as she tried not to shiver, but it was less to do with the cold and more to do with Max’s thumb rubbing against the tender place on the underside of her wrist where her veins criss-crossed like lines on the tube map. ‘Anyway, I really should be going.’

‘Well, before you do, we should probably decide what we’re going to do on our next date,’ Max said. ‘There’s a fashion and film exhibition at the V&A that looks quite good.’

‘Next date? We’re not dating,’ Neve spluttered. ‘Why would you even think that?’

‘Well, technically we’ve been on three dates now, so I think that we’re having one of those pancake relationships that you’re such an expert on. And you did phone up and ask me out, so why are you so surprised? What did
you
think we were doing?’

It was a really good question and one that Neve couldn’t even begin to answer. ‘I don’t know. I’m not sure what …’ She tried again. ‘Really, why would you even be interested in that kind of arrangement with someone like me? Is it my novelty value?’

‘Kind of, yeah,’ Max admitted. He pouted slightly. ‘I can tell that you don’t like me that much and you’re about the only person I’ve ever met who doesn’t think I’m ace with added bits of aceness.’ He treated Neve to an outrageous wink. ‘You’re going to be powerless to resist me in the end.’

Neve didn’t have the guts to tell Max that she’d probably like him a lot more if he didn’t come out with such arrogant twaddle. Obviously her face gave her away, because Max stopped holding her hand so he could wag a finger at her in admonition.

‘You’ll see. It’s like the time everyone said that there was no way I could get Madonna for the cover of
Skirt
, but I spent a year wooing her publicist and then when the interview was set up, everyone said she’d be really difficult and I’d be lucky to get ten minutes.’ Max smiled triumphantly. ‘The interview lasted two hours and then we went clubbing. If Madonna loves me, then you will too.’

It was the first and only time that Neve had ever been compared to Madonna. It felt oddly insulting. She raised her eyebrows. ‘Max, it’s not that I don’t like you – that is, I don’t
not
like you – but I just can’t see you in even a pancake relationship.’

Max flapped his hand in front of his face as if he was swatting a fly. ‘Look, short of fucking some circus freaks and posting the video on YouTube, you name it, I’ve done it. At least twice. Having a relationship and not even a sexual one is so straight, it’s practically perverted.’

Now Neve was definitely insulted. ‘Well, I’m happy to be of service,’ she snapped.

‘Now don’t go getting all huffy.’ Max wagged his finger again. ‘Let’s face it, I’m the best offer you’re going to get when it comes to pancake boyfriends. At least I’m not an estate agent and I don’t have any suicidal tendencies. By the way, your sister really needs to remember that her voice carries from one end of the office to another.’

She was going to kill Celia
. ‘So, I had a few bad dates, but I just have to keep applying myself and I’m bound to have a good date eventually,’ Neve said defensively.

‘Applying yourself? Going on dates isn’t meant to be such an ordeal.’ Max pursed his lips. ‘You’re twenty-five, right? You are the oldest twenty-five year old I’ve ever met.’

‘I can’t help it if I’m mature for my age.’ Though Neve preferred to think that she just had a very old soul. ‘Maybe I should have spent a few years getting drunk and having lots of meaningless sex, but I didn’t.’

‘Look, are you absolutely certain that this Billy bloke is your one true love?’ Max asked, as if the whole notion of William and even having a one true love wasn’t to be taken seriously.

Neve immediately bristled. ‘His name’s William,’ she reminded Max coldly. ‘And yes – yes, he is – and you don’t have to be so snarky about it.’

Max shrugged. ‘I’m just saying that before you settle down with William, or whatever his name is, you should have some fun, and I am the god of having some fun.’ Max was actually being serious, even though it was the most ridiculous thing Neve had ever heard anyone say. Then again, the whole point of all those excruciating first dates had been to inject a little fun and romance into her life, and both the fun and the romance had been sorely lacking. Sometimes Neve thought that fun should come with a bullet-pointed action plan and some handy diagrams.

‘Well, when you put it like that, I suppose I can have some fun,’ Neve said brightly. Brightly was what she was aiming for, but the actual execution was more grimly determined, as something very important occurred to her. ‘But I need you to promise that we are definitely not having sex.’

‘No sex unless you absolutely beg me for it.’ Max grinned at the acid-drop look on Neve’s face. ‘And I won’t even use tongue when we’re kissing. Not unless you do first.’

There were so many objectionable things about that statement that Neve didn’t know where to begin, but while they were establishing some ground rules … ‘I don’t think we should hold hands either,’ she blurted out.

‘You don’t?’ Max asked mildly.

‘Well, it’s just we need to have some kind of reminder that this is a pancake relationship and not a proper one. So, if by some miracle, we were getting on really well and I went to hold your hand, I’d have to stop and remember that we don’t hold hands because we’re not a proper couple,’ Neve babbled while Max just sat there and looked at her like she was having some kind of psychotic break. ‘Don’t you see? Not holding hands would be like a safety word.’

‘What do you know about safety words?’ Max drawled very slowly, and before Neve could take umbrage because being inexperienced didn’t mean she was completely uninformed, he shrugged and said, ‘Fine. No sex. No holding hands and we’ll take the stuff in between sex and holding hands under advisement, OK?’

Neve nodded. ‘Shall we just take this on a date-by-date basis?’

Max looked at her blankly. ‘I suppose that would work.’ He suddenly put his head in his hands and yawned. ‘Sorry, don’t know where Maria is with my next espresso. Haven’t been to bed yet and I think my second wind has just upped and left.’

It was time to wrest some control back. Neve shoved her purse back in her bag and stood up. ‘Well, I’m glad we’ve got that all cleared up,’ she said officiously. ‘I can usually do Monday, Thursday and Friday evenings so, um … I’ll call you.’