You, Me and Him (19 page)

I laughed. ‘How about lukewarm? I’m building up my portfolio. I need to tout myself to all the galleries, that’s the hard part.’

‘You can do it. I can’t see anyone rejecting your work … or you. So, what will you be doing in …’ He leant across me to pick up my old clock in its battered leather case. It was something my grandmother gave me. He turned the face to him. ‘Precisely three hours’ time?’

‘Telling David Hamilton to get off his arse and into the office.’

‘Didn’t he design the record label for Red? They’re one of my favourite groups. He’s huge. What do you do for him?’

‘Run his life.’

Finn was stroking my hand; he kissed the bruise on my arm, a stamp of his love on me. ‘Clarky’s not going to be happy.’ The change of subject was abrupt, a sting after a caress.

‘What do you mean?’

‘That I’m back in your life. He doesn’t like me.’

‘He does.’ But I knew that wasn’t true.

‘Did you ever go out?’

‘No.’

‘Have you kissed?’

Something was telling me that such a small detail could complicate things in a big way and I didn’t want anything to ruin this moment. Clarky had barely acknowledged it so why should I? It was completely unimportant. ‘No,’ I said.

‘I don’t know what’s worse. Not seeing you for five years but having you mentally stalk me, or Clarky seeing you and not being able to have you. He’s in love with you, I’m sure of it. You haven’t slept with him?’

‘Finn, you’ve been out of my life for five years, I’m sorry if I haven’t remained celibate.’

‘So you
have
slept with him?’ he insisted.

‘No. But, look, what’s in the past is in the past. Clarky and I have a lot of history. If you want to see me, you’re signed up to him too. Best friends are for life, whether you like it or not.’ Finn nodded, thinking about this. I wrapped an arm around his neck. ‘So, you need to get on.’

‘OK, I’ll try. Maybe I’ll learn to like the man. I mean, if you like him so much …’

I wanted to change the subject. ‘How’s your father?’

He looked surprised but touched by the question. ‘Divorced. He’s living in America now, doing OK but I hardly see him.’

Finn gently traced the outline of my face; there wasn’t a single part of me he left untouched. Every nerve was heightened at the touch of his fingertip. At last, I could feel myself again.

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

‘
Emma, you won’t believe this
,’ I tap on my computer, adrenalin rushing through my body. ‘
I went to the supermarket yesterday with George. He wanted a toy which I said he could have providing he behaved, you know the deal … But of course he cried and sulked and misbehaved as usual, and when we arrived at the checkout people were staring first at him and then at me. I didn’t get into an argument with him, just as the cheery woman in the book advised, and I think this is what people found hard to believe. That I could just ignore a screaming blubbering child and continue to talk calmly instead of a) either smacking him (someone in the queue suggested that); b) giving into him, or c) getting out of the queue double quick with embarrassment. I had people in front of me, behind and to the sides trying to calm George down. I wanted to shout at them to leave him alone, didn’t they understand that my boy thrives on attention? They were giving him more fuel to add to the fire. BUT I DIDN’T! Then the girl at the till said that she was sure Mummy would buy him the toy if he stopped crying. I told her to mind her own business (well, not quite as rudely but near enough), and that I wasn’t going to be blackmailed by my own son. Then, it gets better! The manager came over and virtually begged me to give George the toy. But I stuck to my guns. I told him calmly, while my heart was thumping, that I was dealing with it in my way, and thanked everyone for their kind suggestions but said I was the mum and I knew what was best for my son. It was really horrible, but I knew I had to do it.

‘On the way home I told George that we’d go back to the shop tomorrow, because I needed to buy food for a supper party at the weekend, and if he could get round without crying, then we’d get the toy. I knew I had to do it quickly, strike while the iron was hot! AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT? IT WORKED! Today he was as good as an angel. My head feels light with success. This is better than any business deal; this feels like I have overcome a major stumbling block. For the first time in years I can see light at the end of the tunnel, d’you know what I mean? Wait till I tell Finn. He is going to be so happy. George is so happy too because I’m so pleased with him. This is what happiness is, isn’t it?
’

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

The salmon is in the oven; I’ve made a crème brûlée for pudding. George is at Mrs B’s. I’m still praising him for being so good. Finn’s reaction, however,
infuriated
me. ‘I’ve always said this is what you should do.’ He’d looked distracted while he spoke, his mind far away.

‘At least give me some credit, Finn, and tell George you’re pleased.’

‘Sorry. It’s great,’ he’d said, followed by that annoying perfunctory peck on the forehead. ‘Well done, J.’ It’s never the same being complimented when you feel you’ve had to squeeze it out of someone.

George had a swimming lesson tonight. Frédéric was teaching him the front-crawl action, kneeling down in the pool and holding George’s arms steady as he showed him the movement. However, George’s best stroke is backstroke. ‘He finds the breathing hard but on his back, it is much easier,’ Frédéric informed me. ‘His arms and legs are nice and long, your husband must be tall,
non
?’

*

The house is quiet. I have time for a bath this evening. I pour myself a small glass of wine. ‘It’s good for the soul,’ I tell my baby girl. ‘Now, what’s Mummy going to wear this evening?’ The midwife tells me I should be communicating as much as possible with my baby now as she can recognise the sound of my voice. ‘Talk to her. Sing to her!’ she had said theatrically, as if performing a leading role in
The Sound of Music
.

It’s strange but I don’t feel connected to this baby as I did with George. He used to make it very clear to me that he was around by kicking, hiccupping and punching pretty much all the time. This baby is quiet, to the point where I sometimes panic. The midwife tells me foetal movements are different with each baby and that I shouldn’t be unduly worried because some are very active, others much more placid.

I lie in the bath, hair submerged in the water, my glass of wine sitting on the soap dish. My mobile rings so I reach over to pick it up. ‘Hi, gorgeous.’

‘David, how are you?’ I wipe water away from my face.

‘Are you in the bath?’

‘Yes.’ I’m smiling.

‘Naked?’

‘No, I’m in my dungarees. What do you think?’

‘I’m thinking of you naked. Listen, an interesting project came up, I wondered if you were up for it freelance?’

‘Yes, tell me.’

‘It’s for a cosmetics company. They’re huge in America, but they want to come to the UK and have asked me to revamp their brand. I need a girl’s eye.’

I’m always flattered when David rings me spontaneously like this. ‘I’d love to help.’

‘Great. What I’ll do is send over all the info on e-mail. I won’t go into it now, don’t want that water to get cold and your beautiful body to turn into a prune.’

I laugh. ‘By the way, I’m pregnant.’

‘Oh, fuck,
déjà vu
.’

‘I should warn you. Only twenty weeks in.’

‘It’s up to you, Josie. It’s a big project so you’ll have to tell me if you can fit it in or not. Give me a call.’

*

Tonight I am going to wear the black wraparound dress which covers my bump and doesn’t make me look enormous.

Finn comes home just when I need him to put on my silver necklace with the initial ‘J’. David gave it to me when I left his company. It’s a fiddly clasp. ‘Ow! It’s caught in my hair.’

‘Sorry,’ he mutters. ‘There, done.’

I turn to him, knowing something’s on his mind. He sits down on the bed. ‘I sent this girl home today … she had chest pain … but I’m not one hundred per cent sure I did the right thing. I mean, she’s unlikely to have major coronary heart disease, but I can’t get her off my mind. It’s impossible always to know and we can’t X-ray everyone who comes to the ward …’ I sit down next to him and put a hand on his shoulder.

‘I haven’t done anything wrong,’ he says firmly.

‘I know.’

‘It’s probably muscular pain.’

‘Exactly. I’m sure it’ll be fine.’ We sit quietly for a moment. ‘David called,’ I mention. ‘He wants me to take on some freelance work. Mum has offered to come and help look after the baby for three weeks or so …’

‘Three weeks?’

‘I really need some help, Finn. I’m not turning her offer down. Anyway, David’s work would be good and we need the extra money.’

No response. ‘Finn, try not to worry about this girl, I’m sure you did the right thing.’

‘Why are you sure? What if she was our daughter? The one you’re carrying now?’ He always adds nobility to his cause, because he knows that way he can get away with anything.

‘You can’t ask me that.’

‘You’d want me to call, wouldn’t you?’

‘What do you think about David?’

‘I should, shouldn’t I?’

I hand him the mobile. ‘Yes, if it’ll set your mind at rest.’

He’s walking downstairs. I can hear him on the telephone already.

*

The doorbell rings. It’s Clarky. He’s wearing jeans with a V-neck black top and a pair of new boots. He’s freshly shaven and smells of leather and cologne. I can tell he’s washed his fair hair because it’s soft, like a child’s fluffy toy. I run a hand through it. ‘Wow, you’ve made an effort,’ I say.

‘Thanks. Something smells delicious. Where’s Finn?’

‘In the garden, smoking.’

‘I thought he’d given up?’

‘He smokes when he’s stressed.’ I roll my eyes.

‘You’re not getting on?’ he whispers with that flicker of hope in his eyes. Or am I imagining it?

‘Not great. What’s new?’

Finn comes inside. ‘Clarky.’ They shake hands with wooden cheer. ‘Finn,’ he says back.

Finn puts an arm around my shoulders and I shove it away, too forcibly because Clarky throws me a strange look. He stinks of cigarettes.

‘So,’ Finn starts, ‘you’ve got the hots for Aggie?’

‘Finn!’ But I want to hear what Clarky says.

‘She’s nice.’

‘
Nice?
Boys don’t describe girls as
nice
. Is she a looker? Do you fancy her?
Nice
is a bonus. Come on,
Justine
.’

‘Back off, Finn,’ I warn him. ‘Sorry, Clarky.’

He shrugs. ‘I don’t mind being called Justine if it makes Finn feel like more of a man for saying it.’

‘Good answer,’ Finn acknowledges awkwardly. ‘What can I get you to drink?’ The atmosphere always stiffens like beaten egg whites when these two are in the same room. The best thing they could have done was to have had a punch up when they were both in Cambridge, to get it out of their systems. Now this insecurity and falsehood sits heavy over their relationship.

Clarky asks for a gin and tonic. Finn goes into the kitchen and puts a record on as he gets the drink.

The doorbell rings. ‘You’ll knock her out!’ I tell Clarky as I answer it. And I can’t help adding, ‘Wish I was Aggie.’

*

Tiana and Christo arrive together and for a moment it takes me back in time, back to when we were young and single and everything was so innocent and free. Tiana looks happy, her skin glowing.

‘It’s leaving that job,’ she insists, but I’m not convinced. She looks like she is in love. ‘My old company is in serious trouble,’ she tells us. ‘Boss walked out and the place is in complete turmoil, redundancies and everything.’

‘No way! So you were right to leave? The photo was some kind of sign?’

‘It’s just pure coincidence,’ Finn argues irritably.

Tiana shakes her head adamantly. ‘When are you going to believe that there are things you can’t control or rationalise? There’s something bigger and better going on in the universe, something more spiritual.’

‘Perhaps. Let’s face it, none of us really knows.’

Aggie is fashionably late. She arrives wearing a white fitted shirt and chunky silver necklace over a stunning electric blue long skirt and black boots. Her auburn hair is half pulled up into a tortoise-shell clip. The effect is messy but it works. ‘Hi,’ says Clarky when she walks into the sitting room. Their foreheads bump together as they both try to kiss each other on the cheek. ‘Oh, sorry,’ they both say at the same time, and then giggle.

‘What’s this?’ Aggie peers at the scan Tiana and Christo are looking at. ‘Are you …?’ She turns to me.

‘Yes.’

She places a ringed hand on my stomach. It’s funny the way people think they have an automatic right to touch you. ‘Is it kicking yet?’ We wait but nothing happens.

‘It’s a girl,’ Finn adds.

‘Well, I think we should make a toast,’ Clarky proposes. ‘To new friends.’ He smiles at Aggie and she smiles back. ‘And,’ he turns to me, ‘to your baby girl, J.’

‘She’s mine too,’ Finn adds, ‘as far as I’m aware. It wasn’t the Immaculate Conception.’ He looks across at Aggie, waiting for her to laugh, but her gaze is fixed firmly on Clarky as they raise their glasses to each other.

*

During the main course Clarky hits his glass with a pudding spoon.

‘I didn’t realise speeches were on the menu,’ Finn says.

‘You and J are having a baby but I’ve got some news too.’

Tiana leans in closer. ‘Come on then, don’t keep us in suspense.’

Finn sits back and pretends to look bored.

‘I’m going abroad in the autumn,’ Clarky announces.

‘Abroad?’ Aggie blurts out.

‘Yes, for work. I’ve been asked to organise a tour. We’ll be travelling to Venice, Rome and Florence. It’s what I’ve wanted to do for years.’

‘Italy! Oh, I love Venice, fabulous pasta. Have you been before?’

‘Yes.’

‘So romantic,’ Aggie continues.

‘Very.’ Clarky briefly looks at me.

‘How long will you be going for?’ I ask.

‘Six months.’

Six months?
I want to cry out.
You can’t go for that long!
Instead I say, ‘Congratulations. That’s wonderful, Clarky, amazing.’

‘But people can come out and visit me.’ He starts to circle the rim of his wine glass slowly. ‘I have no ties … no children … there’s nothing to stop me going, is there?’

‘Absolutely nothing,’ Finn agrees.

*

‘Why do people get married these days?’ Aggie asks, now a little drunk. The crème brûlée was overcooked. Finn tells me we need hammers, not spoons. ‘It’s delicious,’ Clarky says over him.

‘Because you’re telling your friends, everyone you love, that you are committed to that person,’ Tiana starts.

‘You just want to get rid of your surname.’ Christo hits her arm affectionately.

‘What is it?’ Aggie asks.

‘Prickman.’

‘I used to know a Hellbottom.’

We laugh. Everyone likes Aggie.

‘People get hitched because they want to have children,’ Clarky says.

‘Hitched?’ Finn says critically. ‘You get married because you love someone, not because you want them to reproduce. Sure, children are a part of it, but it’s not the sole reason.’

‘But you can love someone without getting married. You can have children without getting married,’ Clarky argues back.

‘I don’t think that’s fair on the child,’ I say and Finn looks my way, almost in surprise that I am backing him and not Clarky.

‘I wouldn’t have a baby with someone who wasn’t prepared to marry me,’ Tiana asserts. ‘A child needs stability.’

‘So, if you’re not married you’re unstable? It’s only a piece of paper,’ Clarky reasons.

‘If you can’t commit to marriage then what does it say about your relationship?’ Finn asks.

I nod. ‘To me it says that if someone better comes along, there’s an easy way out.’

‘Exactly.’ Finn and I smile at one another. It feels great to be on each other’s side for once.

‘Clarky makes a fair point, though,’ Aggie puts in. ‘My marriage wasn’t stable for me or El, and my divorce was painful and expensive.’

‘How long did your marriage last?’ I ask.

‘Three years, but I’d known him for seven. I knew I’d made the wrong decision the moment I walked up the aisle. It felt like I was walking up this high cliff, and when I reached the sod, all I could see was this terrible drop. Then I saw my parents and it was the thought of the caterers, the party, the expense … I couldn’t back out. Pathetic, I know.’

‘It’s not pathetic,’ Clarky assures her.

‘I was too young,’ she admits gratefully. ‘You see, he’d asked me a number of times and eventually his sheer perseverance wore me down. But when I started to have problems with El … well, he did a runner. A disabled child ruined his image.’

‘You clearly married the wrong man,’ Finn says.

‘Like she doesn’t know!’ Clarky laughs mockingly.

Finn stares back at him, hard. ‘It must have been tough, Aggie, but that doesn’t mean marriage isn’t valid. I think you have to take a stand in life. You say “I do” in front of your friends …’

‘And God,’ Christo adds. Recently he’s been going to church.

Clarky’s shaking his head. ‘I think it’s completely wrong to suggest saying “I do” in church means more than a couple deciding they want to be together but they don’t want to do it that way. People who marry are like sheep. Most of them don’t even believe in God. All they want is the church, the flowers, the party, the white dress … not that they’re even virgins. Besides, I read somewhere that most children today are born out of wedlock. You lot are seriously old fashioned and out of touch.’

‘Some traditions are worth hanging on to,’ I argue. ‘You really don’t want to get married?’

‘I’m not rushing up the aisle. My parents had a suffocating relationship. You see so many screwed up marriages these days. I don’t want to add to the statistics.’

Finn laughs. ‘That’s the coward’s way out, Justin. “Let’s not bother because it never works”. What a sad way to look at the world.’

‘It’s not.’

‘I agree with Finn,’ Tiana says. ‘You have to have a belief system. If you don’t, you’re a shell.’

‘A shell? It’s not your mumbo-jumbo talk again, is it?’ Clarky jokes.

Tiana tries not to look hurt. ‘At least I believe in something and stand firmly by what I value. What do you believe in, Justin? When have you ever truly taken a stand? Or do you run away from all your problems?’

There is a crackle of tension around the table.

‘I’d still like to get rid of my surname,’ she starts again, attempting to lighten the conversation.

‘Again, why lose your surname? Tiana, if you get married cling onto yours, however it sounds. Why lose your identity?’ Aggie questions.