Young Frankenstein (17 page)

The clock read eleven-fifty-nine and fifty seconds
.

"There's that crackpot doctor!" a villager shrieked "Get him first
.
"

Villagers swarmed forward toward the table on which Dr. Frankenstein was lying.

"No!" Inga begged. "Just another seven seconds!"

The villagers grabbed at the doctor, lifting him violently from the table.

The clock read twelve midnight exactly.

Inga flipped the switch!

The villagers were dragging the doctor's inert body toward the stairs.

"Kill!"

Then a commanding voice rang out.
"Put that man
down.'"

The villagers stopped in their tracks. All eyes turned to the source of the voice.

The monster was sitting on the edge or the operating table, removing the electrodes from his skull.

"Put that man down!"
he said again, his booming voice filling the room.

Meekly, the villagers carried the doctor back to the operating table from which they had snatched him. Gently, they stretched him out.

"How can that be the monster?" a villager whispered. "He talks as good as us."

Inspector Kemp stepped forward. "Who are you, sir?" he asked. "What gives you the authority to order these people about?"

"I am The Monster," the monster told him. "And -yes-I
can
speak." His tone softened. "For as long as I can remember," he said, "people have hated me. They looked at my body and my face and ran away in horror. It took me a long time to understand why. Because, you see, I knew what was in my heart."

The villagers lowered their eyes, looking ashamed
.

"In my loneliness," the monster went on, "I decided that if I could not inspire love, which was my deepest hope, I would instead cause fear
.
" He looked toward the doctor
.
"I live now because this poor, half-crazed genius held an image of me in his mind as something beautiful
.
"

Tears came to the eyes of the villagers.

"Andthen, when it would have been easy enough to stay out of danger," the monster continued, "he used his own body as a guinea pig in order to give me a calmer brain-and a slightly more sophisticated way of expressing myself."

A villager sobbed openly.

"I'm still 'The Monster,' " the monster said "Sometimes known as 'Him,' occasionally as 'The Creature.' But they're all one and the same I am-let's say-that tall, peculiarly attractive stranger with the winning smile."

Silence
.

Then the inspector spoke. "This is, of course, another situation," he said. He cleared his throat. "As a leader of this community," he said, advancing, "may I be the first to offer my hand in friendship."

The monster took the hand. "Thank you."

"You're entirely welcome," the inspector responded, backing away. "And now, I think we all better-"

The monster was still gripping the hand that the inspector had offered
.
Attached to it was the inspector's wooden arm.

"Scheisse!"
Inspector Kemp said disgustedly.
"Noch einmal! Was zum Teufel geht hier los?"
He grabbed the arm from the monster's grasp. "Enough!" he said. He waved the arm at the villagers. "Out!"

The exodus began.

When the villagers had gone, Inga addressed the monster
.

"You were wonderful," she told him
.
"But I'm so worried about the doctor
.
"

"He's a great man," the monster said. "His passing would be a great loss."

Igor put an ear to the doctor's chest. "I think-" he said.

Inga and the monster joined him. They all put their ears to the doctor's chest.

"-thump . . . thump . . . thump . . . thump . .."

"Frankenstein lives!" Inga cried out joyously.

In the bedroom of a luxurious apartment on Central Park West in New York City, Elizabeth sat at her dressing table, wearing a sheer nightgown and an even sheerer peignoir, preparing to retire
.

"Darling," she called toward the bathroom, "I hope you didn't find Daddy's little party too boring
.
He did it just for you, and he meant so well
.
Tell me you liked it
.
"

"Mm-mm," came the affirmative but not exactly enthusiastic reply.

"I know Mummy's such a scatterbrain," Elizabeth went on, "without a serious thought in her head, but . . . you love her just a little bit, don't you?"

"Mmmm."

"I'm ready for bed, darling
.
Are you almost done?"

The bathroom door opened. The monster emerged. He was dressed in elegant silk pajamas and a handsome robe.

"Mmmm," the monster said, in response to Elizabeth's question
.

Rising, she went to the bed. "Did you see?" she said. "I put a special hamper in the bathroom just for your shirts
.
The other one is for socks and poo-poo undies."

"Mmmm," the monster replied, nodding.

He switched off the light, then got into bed with Elizabeth.

"Still happy married to me?" she asked teasingly.

"Mmmm!"

"Love me oodles and oodles?"

"Mmmmm."

Elizabeth sighed. "So this is what it's like to be absolutely and completely happy . . ."

The monster looked deep into her eyes. "Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!" he told her.

Halfway across the world in the master bedroom of Frankenstein Castle, Dr. Frederick Frankenstein sat in an easy chair near a roaring fire. He was perusing the front page of the local newspaper,
The Transylvania
Tribune.

From the bathroom came the sound of Inga humming a cheerful tune.

"Did you have a nice day today?" she called out to the doctor, breaking off the humming
.

"Oh, the usual. Sore throats, a few colds, two bladder transplants, and some joker who thought be was a werewolf
.
"

"Did you notice the new drapes I put up?"

The doctor glanced toward the windows
.
"Yes
.
Very nice
.
"

Inga began humming again. This time, the tune was familiar-it was an eerie old Transylvanian lullaby.

The doctor's eyes glazed over. He sat transfixed.

Inga appeared from the bathroom. She was wearing a sheer nightgown-period
.
Going to where the doctor was seated, she stood in front of him.

Slowly, Dr. Frankenstein lowered the newspaper. His glazed eyes focused fixedly on the big bazooms that appeared to be about to tumble from the bodice of Inga's sheer nightgown
.

"I was hoping you'd like them," Inga said.

"I adore them!" he told her passionately.

"Drapes?"

"Oh . .. drapes ..."

"Ach
-" Inga said suddenly
.
"Listen to what I was humming. We haven't heard that song since before the troubles started
.
" She moved on to the bed and folded back the covers.

Dr. Frankenstein rose from the chair, as if in a trance.

"Mind if I turn out the light, sweetheart?" Inga asked, getting into bed.

"Mmmmm," he replied, going toward her.

"Come Schatzi," she said coaxingly.

The doctor got in beside her. They cuddled in each other's arms.

'You know, darling," Inga said, "I've always wanted to ask you something about that operation
.
During the transference, the monster got a part of your wonderful brain. But-what did you get from him?"

Dr. Frankenstein pressed closer to her. "Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!"

Inga cried out in delight. "Oh,
that's
what you got!" She sighed pleasurably. "Sweet Schatzi . . . ah . . . wait . . . ahhhh . . ." Then, moments later, she broke into gentle song. "Ah, sweet mystery of life . . ."