Your Republic Is Calling You (33 page)

"I'm sorry I couldn't tell you before," Ki-yong explains.

She doesn't say anything.

"Ma-ri," Ki-yong says.

She still doesn't say anything. They sit there, side by side, without saying a word for a while. The black plastic bag reappears, dragged back by a funnel of wind, dizzily whirls around, then disappears again.

Ma-ri buries her face in her hands. She looks up at him. "Why are you telling me this now?"

"I got an order this morning."

"What order?"

"To go back north by dawn."

Ma-ri is shocked into silence again.

"I don't want to go," he says, his voice shaking slightly.

She opens her arms. He bends over and buries his face in her embrace, holding on to her. She smells like barbecued pork belly, disinfectant, and cigarettes.

"At first I lied to you," Ki-yong continues. "But you have to understand that the real me is the one you've known since college. I lost touch with the North and I worked hard to survive and I tried my best to live here, without anyone to lean on. I've even forgotten that I'm originally from up there."

"What happens if you refuse?" Ma-ri asks.

"They'll know for sure that I've betrayed them."

He feels her nod.

"I still can't forgive you," Ma-ri declares.

He raises his head from her chest. "I'm sorry I lied to you."

"That's not why I can't forgive you," Ma-ri explains. "Listen. People make all sorts of choices in life. It's the same with me, too. You recognize several junctures where you're forced to make a choice. I've become myself today because of those choices. Do you know what I mean? That's why people shouldn't travel through time. If we could go back and change even the most trivial thing, this world, this reality that we see, none of it would exist. So what I'm trying to say is—basically, you asshole, if I hadn't met you fifteen years ago, or even if I'd met you but known the truth, I would have made a different choice. I would have gone on to make another choice based on that, and I might be living a completely different life right now. Even this morning, I didn't regret anything in my life because it was all a product of my choices; I knew I had created my own life. Of course, I sometimes chose wrong or made mistakes, but I was fine
with that. I'm most terrified of my own foolishness. I was stupid before and today—yeah, even today. Now I get it, my stupidity is a chronic illness. I'm unchangeable. Wait," she says, when Ki-yong tries to soothe her, "I'm not done yet.

"I know what you're thinking, what you want to tell me. I'm not crying. I don't have the right to do that. I'm pathetic. I'm a pathetic piece of shit. I shouldn't be here. I'm stupid, but I didn't even know it. I thought I had it all. I always thought it was my fault that you didn't open up to me, so I tried really hard. I did, I really did. But at some point I realized that there was a limit to that kind of effort, so I gave up. But that's not where it ends, because it wasn't enough to just give up on you or communicate with you. During all of this, I was closed off to other people because I was hurt, because I couldn't even communicate with the person I was closest to. Do you understand what that did to my self-confidence? I shrank into myself and avoided people and was cowed, and that's how I spent my twenties. Oh, you really are an asshole. You knew what you were doing all along, and you were never on my side even when you knew I was having a hard time with everything. You didn't even think to comfort me. I always thought that was just the way you were, so I'd tell myself, Okay, I'm going to try to understand, because that's what he's like—there was no way I could change you. But if I had been able to build a really intimate relationship with you, if I had succeeded, I might have become a different person. Don't you think so?

"What really pisses me off right now is that you knew how much pain I was in, but you were comparing it with your own and dismissing mine. Isn't that what went on in your mind? Whenever I complained that I was having such a hard time, you must have jeered at me secretly, thinking, That's nothing. I'm a spy, I have a secret I can't tell a single
soul. What Ma-ri is going through is nothing compared to that kind of pain. Isn't that what you thought? I get it now. You have that damn superiority about pain—you arrogantly think your pain is the absolute worst, and you judge others' pain against it. You're an egotist, a self-righteous pig. An egotist thinks he's the only one who's going through difficult times, laughing at other people's hardships, and believes that because of his unique pain, he can do whatever he wants. You always have that expression on your face. You walk around like life's beaten you, like you're depressed, but really, you're looking down at everything and everyone, superior and arrogant. Sure, I knew that about you, but I was compassionate. I thought it was understandable that you ended up like that, because you were an orphan, because you had to raise yourself. I figured I just didn't know what it was like for you because I had a fairly easy life.

"Shit, I really was stupid, really fucking stupid. I can't even think of another word to describe myself. How can you be so calm right now, after all of this? Did I ask you to tell me everything? No! What about me? What's going to happen to me? I'm practically forty and I can't do anything with my life at this point. I always thought this was the best I could do, and so I was fine with having less, with achieving less, but now you're telling me I could have been living a much better life? That all of this is because of your deception? What the hell am I supposed to do? Say something."

Ki-yong just listens quietly.

She breathes in deeply. She continues her rant. "I always thought people got upset when someone betrayed them because they were angry at being lied to, at having the wool pulled over their eyes. But now I see it isn't true. Betrayal dismantles your confidence. That's why it's so upsetting. Now I can't believe in anything. I can't tell if I enjoyed my
life until now, or if I'm doing the right thing, or what. How can someone this stupid do anything well? How can I do anything well in the future? I'm probably just going to get used by everyone. Don't you think so?"

"Calm down," Ki-yong says.

"Just stop acting so cool and collected. This really isn't the time," she snaps.

"Okay, I'm sorry."

She sighs loudly, and he rubs his face with his hands. His hands feel rough against his skin.

Ma-ri opens her mouth again, but she sounds calmer this time. "What are you going to do?"

"I don't know," Ki-yong confesses.

"You must have thought of this possibility during the fifteen years you were lying to me," she says.

"I didn't think anything one way or another. I never actually thought this day would come."

"Are you going to go back?"

Ki-yong remains silent.

She shakes her head slowly. "No, if you were going back you wouldn't have waited for me like this. You would have just gone back without saying anything to me. Right?"

"Yeah." It's only then that he realizes why he waited to accost her like that.

"You don't want to go, do you? You think of Seoul as your home, since you've lived here for twenty years, right? Does this mean you have to turn yourself in?"

"Yeah."

She sniffles. "Don't take this the wrong way. I'm calm now, okay? I understand what you told me, and I know why you did all of that to me. I mean, you were young, too. You couldn't have said no when the higher-ups told you what to do."

"The Party didn't order me to marry you. I chose you," Ki-yong emphasizes.

"Well, you must have had their permission," Ma-ri points out.

He nods.

Ma-ri probes deeper. "It's because I was in the Juche Ideology faction, right? You probably thought, If I play this correctly, I might even be able to bring her over to our side."

"That might have been what I was thinking," Ki-yong concedes.

"I just want you to know one thing," Ma-ri says. "I'm saying this from a really calm place now. I'm rational again. I'm not angry and I'm not looking at this pessimistically. This sniffling is from crying earlier on. Right now I'm totally fine, okay?"

"Yeah, it seems like you are."

"Whenever I'm in a situation where I don't know what to do, I wonder what my father would have done. He always knew what to do in any given situation. Maybe because of his animalistic instinct, which helped him survive in that kind of world."

"He did always know what was going on," Ki-yong says, remembering his father-in-law, who never warmed to him. Ki-yong tried and tried to get on his good side, but the elderly liquor wholesaler seemed to know something about Ki-yong that nobody else could sense. He died without ever approving of him. He was unhappy with his daughter's decision to marry him, and even after the wedding there wasn't much chance for Ki-yong to get close to him. Ma-ri knew that, too, so she didn't bring up her father often with Ki-yong.

She gets up and throws away the tissues she used to mop up her tears. She sits back down. "Go back."

"What?" Ki-yong can't believe his ears.

"Go back. That's what I want. I'm sorry, but I like my life as it is. If you don't go back, they might send someone to take care of you."

"It's not like I'm a close relative of Kim Jong Il," he protests. "I'm not important enough to have my own assassin sent from the North."

"So then why are you being recalled?"

"I have no idea. I'm sure someone's just come across my file."

She scratches her cast. "Ugh, it's so itchy it's driving me crazy. Unless you go back, you'll never know why they're ordering you to return, right?"

He nods.

"And, don't take this the wrong way, but I don't want to change my name and live as a totally different person in a strange neighborhood."

"What are you talking about?"

"If you give yourself up, wouldn't the government move us somewhere else? What about Hyon-mi? Have you even thought about what's best for her? She's just started to enjoy school after quitting Go. What are we going to tell her if we have to move? I want to keep her safe. Think about it. If you go, we're all fine. They're going to relax and they might even send you back for some other mission. Then you can pop back in our lives as if you were abroad on business. If you do that, they're not going to send down an assassination team, and we don't have to be in hiding, living under assumed identities in some sleepy regional city somewhere. Don't you read the paper? All the fathers in the world gladly sacrifice everything for their families. You hear about all those Korean fathers working hard, making money, while they send their families abroad for the kids' education. They eat ramen and wire all their money to the kids. It's not even
going to be that bad for you—you're from there! Your parents are still up there, aren't they?"

"My father's still there."

"And you have friends, right? Why do we have to be afraid for our lives because of your goddamn situation? We shouldn't have to change our names and address for that. I really had a difficult time making my way in the world, you know. Do you remember when I tried to find a job after having Hyon-mi? I got rejected from every job I applied to and I had to start from the bottom from managing insurance policies bought with pennies saved by housewives, and now I've worked my way up almost to where I want to be. I'm nearly there. But you just want to—"

"Okay, okay. I get it," he acquiesces, dejected.

"Look, I'm sorry, okay? But you have to think about your daughter. Think about her future, about what she'll have to go through, okay?"

"Okay. But I have to say I thought you'd tell me to stay, even if you were just being polite, even just once."

Ma-ri puts her hand over Ki-yong's freezing hand.

"I'm sorry, but this is what it means to be a mother. I'm not just a woman, I'm a mother first."

"Yeah, that's true," he says, nodding. "But I'm not going back."

She drops his hand, stunned. "What? Are you insane?"

"I thought about a lot of things today, wandering the streets. I really did. I even went to see a fortune-teller. You know I don't believe in that stuff. I'm scared. It will have changed a lot back there. It's going to be different. My father will be there, but he will be old, and if I go back, people who don't even know why I was sent down in the first place are going to decide my fate. Even if I live, I might spend the rest of my life in a dark underground tunnel, training young agents
about to be sent to Seoul. It's really a terrifying idea. You don't know what it's like, to live your entire life on a set that looks exactly like Seoul. I've seen it. And the thing is, that may be one of the better scenarios. Something worse could happen to me. All I'm asking is for you to help me. We've been married for fifteen years no matter what happens, and it's not like we can turn back time," Ki-yong pleads.

"No, I can't help you, Ki-yong. You can hate me for it, but you have to go. That's what's going to happen. Think about it rationally, Ki-yong. If you really didn't do anything wrong, like you're telling me, there's no reason for the Party to punish you."

"You're really cruel," Ki-yong shoots back.

"I'd really love it if I could tell you all sorts of nice things, but we don't have the time," Ma-ri snaps.

"Is this payback for me lying to you?"

"No, I'm just thinking about the best solution for everyone. Don't get so upset. We had fifteen good years. And I know you weren't one hundred percent happy with me; I'm not a perfect wife, and I'm not good at being supportive. Why are you balking at this when you can make a whole new life for yourself?" Ma-ri asks.

"Okay, I'm going to ask you one last time. Why can't you sacrifice just a little bit? Please? I'll make it up to you. After I give myself up to the authorities and all of that's done—well, I'm sure I'll have to go to prison for a few years. But after that, after I get out, I'll be the best husband, the best father," Ki-yong tries to convince her.

"No, I told you. That's not possible. Why are you making it so difficult?"

"Even if you don't like it, I have the right to live with you in that apartment," Ki-yong announces.