You're a Horrible Person, But I Like You: The Believer Book of Advice (15 page)

Rob
Spokane, WA

Dear Rob:

Oh. My. God. After all these years of searching, hoping to avenge the death of my sister. The Neatly Nibbled Morsel Killer, falling into my trap. Stay right where you are, fiend!

Patton

…

Dear Patton:

Do you know of a full-body ergonomic sling I could drape myself in while typing? Something that could keep me suspended in a position of bliss and faux-zero G? Even now, as I type these words with one finger (it’s a quick finger!), I feel shooting pains lancing up my wrists and through my shoulders, causing a cascade of aches to shudder across my back. My lower back is a repository of pain. Also, I think my left leg is shorter than my right
.

Un-ergonomic Ursula
Minneapolis, MN

Dear U. U.:

Huh. Besides the Belly-Down Typ-o-matic BlissCradle from WombCrave Office Furniture, I’m drawing a blank. Sorry.

Patton

…

Dear Patton:

I’ve been feeling blue lately but I wasn’t sure if it had anything to do with the amount of rain we’ve had over the last few weeks. What are your thoughts on that?

Ms. Diller
Cary, NC

Dear Ms. Diller:

Rain can have a profound effect on someone inclined toward melancholy. I live in Los Angeles, and, as of this writing, we’ve just experienced three weeks of unending late-winter storms. The sky has been a limitless bowl of sludgy, hopeless gray. The ground, soaked and muddy, emits burbly, hissing spurts with every step, which sound like a scornful parent who sees no worth, hope, or value in their offspring. The morning light through my bedroom window promises nothing but a damp, unwelcoming day of thankless busywork and futile, doomed chores. My breakfast cereal tastes like being ostracized. My morning coffee fills my stomach with dread. What’s the point of even answering this question?

The rain—it will not stop. Even if I say something that will help you—which I won’t, because I’m such a useless piece of shit—you’ll eventually die and I’ll die and everyone we know will die and this book will turn to dust and the universe will run down and stop and dead dead dead dead dead.

Dead. Read
Chicken Soup for the Soul
, I guess. Dead. Dead dead.

Patton

Martha Plimpton

Dear Martha:

I really enjoy a nice peach, but I’ve been finding that they’re too embarrassing to eat in public. Do you have any tips on how this most mighty of fruits can be munched upon and my dignity remain intact?

Thanks
,
Sophie
Ogden, UT

Dear Sophie:

I’m glad you asked this. Women should never do anything in public that will upset the gentle facade of femininity that makes them attractive to potential husbands. I keep telling women this, and they don’t listen, because they aren’t very bright. Eating, talking, moving the muscles in your face in any way other than to produce a visage of contented adoration, pooping: these are everyday common mistakes women make that keep them alone and ensure their solitude in old age. If you want to find a husband, eat a banana, seductively, using your tongue a lot, with no shirt on. Hope this helps!

Love,
Martha

…

Dear Martha:

My aunt and uncle are filthy rich. They buy Jet Skis and imported Italian wine and Ferraris and Cohibas. They’re old and wrinkly and I’m young and hunky. But somehow, they’ve got all the material wealth and I’ve got squat. Any suggestions for sabotaging their lives and stealing their money?

Poor in Pottawatomie County, KS

Dear Poor in:

You’re a horrible person, but I like you, so I’m going to give you some advice: First of all, you’ve got it backward. If you sabotage your rich relatives’ lives before you steal their money, they won’t have any money to steal, because you will have already sabotaged their lives, which will lead to moneylessness. Are you following me? You have to understand certain things if you’re going to be a greedy bastard. Also, I need more information. You see, I have some diamond certificates tied up in a Nigerian bank account, and in order to withdraw them the bank requires a U.S. bank routing number and $50,000. For your help I will gladly reimburse you and your aunt, plus pay you 50 percent of my diamond wealth, which is roughly $8,397,432.27. What is your aunt’s e-mail address?

Warmest regards,
Martha

…

Dear Martha:

My sister has alopecia, a disease that causes hair loss. The doctors have told her it’s incurable, so she’s invested in a realistic-looking wig. Unfortunately, her alopecia has also caused her eyebrows to disappear. She usually just draws her own with an eyebrow pencil, which is okay if she’s able to take her time and really do it right. But when she’s in a hurry, she can end up looking surprised or annoyed. How can I delicately tell her that her eyebrows scare me?

Lisa Lhormer
Raleigh, NC

Dear Lisa:

People who have no hair at all are the luckiest people in the world. They’re the human versions of Wooly Willy, that novelty game with the cartoon guy’s head that you put hair on in different shapes with a magnet. What’s more fun than that?

Many impressive people are hairless, and proudly so. There is even a tiny movement of alopecics who encourage “Hairless Pride.” Some people have eyebrows implanted into the flesh on their foreheads. Tell your sister not to limit herself. There are plenty of places on Fourteenth Street in Manhattan where inexpensive fake eyebrows can be purchased. She can even pick up a fun rabbi beard! The point is: mix it up. New facial hair every day! Then, instead of scaring you, she can make you laugh. Everybody wins!

Martha

…

Dear Martha:

Even though I eat multiple times a day, I still get hungry. No matter how much I eat, I’m always hungry again. I’ve started to skip meals because, really, what’s the difference? I’ll just be hungry again in a few hours. Do you have any advice for me?

Emmanuel Stevens
Miami, FL

Dear Emmanuel:

OMG, have you seen
Lust, Caution?
The movie is kind of so-so, but Tony Leung is so good in it! I’m completely obsessed with him now. Let’s not even discuss the sex scenes in that movie. Cannot even. He’s a huge star in Hong Kong, of course, and he’s been in a thousand movies and worked with every great Hong Kongese director ever in the history of Hong Kong. I swear to gawd, I think he’s one of the greatest actors in the world, ever, and I have to marry him immediately!

Martha

Harold Ramis

Dear Harold:

I recently signed up for a Jewish dating site on the Internet. I wrote in the “About Me” section that I enjoy reading
The New Yorker.
My friend told me that makes me seem like a pompous ass whom no one would ever want to date, much less come to love in the future. Is she right? What should I say instead?

Most sincerely
,
Estella
St. Louis, MO

Dear Estella:

Jewish guys love a little pompous ass; we’re just afraid to ask for it. Let it be known that you also give head, and no Jewish guy will care what you read.

Harold

…

Dear Harold:

Is there any part of the body that shouldn’t, under any circumstances, be pierced?

Jewel C
.
Greensboro, NC

Dear Jewel:

I’m a firm believer that no part of my body should be pierced, but if you insist on having it done, the one part I’d advise against piercing is the brain.

Harold

…

Dear Harold:

Last night while I was entertaining friends in another room, a stray cat scaled the side of my apartment, climbed in through my living room window, and did it with my seven-month-old cat. True story. My question is, am I going to be a bad father?

Stephen T
.
Dayton, OH

Dear Steve:

You’re not going to be the father; the stray cat is. Humans can’t procreate with cats or indeed any other mammals.

Harold

…

Dear Harold:

Is pigweed poisonous? And, coincidentally, does it exist?

Anonymous
Cleveland, OH

Dear Anonymous:

I believe I smoked some pigweed at Woodstock. I don’t think it was poisonous but I freaked out and woke up in the woods with about a pound and a half of truffles beside me and lots of mud on my nose. Janis Joplin was lying next to me with no pants on and a bottle of Jack Daniel’s in her hand. David Crosby was lying on the other side of me wearing two pairs of pants. Janis immediately wanted to do more “pig” but I convinced her to just stick to booze, acid, pot, PCP, STP, DMT, MDA, mandrax, desoxyn, meth, Ritalin, coke, heroin, and ludes. That bitch could party! Anyway, when we got back to the tent, Hendrix wouldn’t leave us alone. “Where you guys goin’? What’s happening? Can I come? Got any pigweed?” So desperate, so sad. By the time we left Woodstock, I just felt totally burned out and haven’t touched the “pig” since. Now, forty years later, it’s all about pigweed at colleges and high schools, even in some progressive Montessori, Steiner, and Waldorf schools. But I tell the kids, “Stay off the pig.” It killed Janis and Jimi and Ritchie Valens and the Big Bopper and Kurt Cobain and Sid Vicious and now they’re dead and can’t party anymore, let alone make records. Or CDs, I guess. Bummer.

Harold

…

Dear Harold:

Is it wrong to use a fake ID to make a hot waitress think you’re younger than you actually are? I just like the way “age: 25” looks on a license, and it makes me feel flirty. So sue me
.

J.D
.
Chicago, IL

Dear J.D.:

It’s not wrong; it’s just pathetic. If you look young enough to pass for twenty-five, who gives a shit how old you actually are? I’m currently buying movie tickets at the “senior citizen” price and feeling good when they ask to see my ID, so fuck you. But I know what you mean. I feel so much more flirty when people think I’m only sixty-two. And surprise! I just filed a lawsuit against you in the Cook County Circuit Court.

Harold

…

Dear Harold:

What happens after you die?

Trevor Chartman, age 9
Little Rock, AR

Dear Trevor:

It all depends. If you’re a Christian, it might be Heaven or Hell. If you’re Jewish, you get a brass plaque on a bench in the synagogue if your kids aren’t too cheap to make a nice contribution. If you’re a Hindu, you’ll come back in a karmically appropriate incarnation. If you’re a Buddhist, it doesn’t matter. And if you’re an atheist, your body just rots in a hole in the ground or gets toasted to ashes in a very hot oven. And that’s it.

The better question is, “What happens
before
you die?” That’s where we run into most of the problems.

Harold

…

Dear Harold:

I am a recent college graduate (thanks!), and my dad says I should go into plastics. What can you tell me about the advantages of this industry in comparison to the advantages of youthful rebellion?

Jonas Baker
Alpena, MI

Dear Jonas:

The advantages of youthful rebellion are overrated. Yes, you could topple the capitalist system, oust the Pope, end the use of drift nets in the tuna fishing industry, or install Sharia law and a Taliban-style government, but so what? What plastics has to offer is the possibility of replacing organic life with a material that won’t shrink, fade, or biodegrade, available in all colors, shapes, and sizes, and resistant to global warming, environmental degradation, and nuclear winter.

Gotta love that.

Harold

…

Dear Harold:

If Jews and Muslims were born of the same tribes of Jacob or Isaac or Ronny or whoever killed Jesus, then why are they still fighting today? Also, I can’t get my potato latkes to come out tender on the
inside and crispy on the outside like my mother can. Is it something I’m doing wrong with the flour?

Ben Siegel
Williamsville, NY

Oy, Benny, Benny, Benny,

It’s not the flour. The oil has to be very, very hot to quickly caramelize the outside of the latke without overcooking the inside. Try heating the oil to about 1,200 degrees (it should be hot enough to melt an aluminum spatula), but be careful when you drop the batter into the pan. You could be badly burned. To be safe, let one of your gentile friends or a schwarzer drop the batter in.