Yours to Keep (21 page)

“I hope I didn’t wake up Theo,” he said, when they were both semi-coherent again.

They listened, but there was no sound from the rest of the house.

He touched her bottom lip. “I don’t yell. That was for you. Just you.”

Now she reached down to feel the wetness the memory had brought out of her. It was echoed by the tears that spilled down her cheeks.

Chapter 19

Ethan watched as Theo walked Leah to the front door and hugged her good night. He looked away from the embrace, so he didn’t see whether they kissed. But the dreamy look on Theo’s face as he climbed back into the backseat suggested that things had gone as well as or better than the boy had expected. It was good that someone’s night had gone well, Ethan thought.

Ethan knocked the transmission into drive and pulled away from the curb. He used Leah’s driveway to turn around.

From the backseat Theo demanded, “Is it true Ana’s illegal?”

So much for dreamy. Ethan hesitated a moment. He’d hoped to be able to do more research, more thinking, before having this conversation with Theo. But fifteen-year-olds had their own timelines. “Yes,” he said unwillingly.

“Did you know? Before Leah said?”

“No. Not really.”

“How come? How come you didn’t figure it out? How come she didn’t tell you?”

Ethan thought of Nicole Freyer and how the preschool teacher had had to convince her that something was wrong with Mary. How she hadn’t seen the fevers as a pattern, because there was always another explanation for each episode. “I didn’t want to know, I guess.”

Theo huffed, a disgusted sound. Ethan knew how he felt. He was disgusted with himself, too. He was a man, a father, a doctor. He should have been more clearheaded. He should have seen. “She didn’t come to this country illegally. She came on a legitimate visa. Her whole family did. But she’s out of status now—meaning her visa has expired. So technically she’s not supposed to be here, and she could get in trouble for being here.” He turned onto their street.

“Wait—” Theo grabbed the back of the passenger seat. “Aren’t we picking her up now?”

He’d told Theo at breakfast that Ana would probably stay the night. “I saw her while you were at the movies.”

“Is she at our house?”

Unease bloomed in his stomach. “No.”

“Why not?”

The unease grew hard edges. “It’s complicated, Theo. This is very complicated.”

“What’s complicated? You like her, don’t you?”

“There’s more to it than that.”
Like you,
he wanted to say.
I have to consider you. Because that’s my job, taking care of you and making sure that as long as you’re in my care I never make you hurt like you hurt when Mom died. Not ever again.

But what came out of his mouth was nothing like that. It was curt and cool and inadequate. “She’s not coming tonight.”

It was one of the hardest things about being a father. That sometimes you hurt so much or got so tired or felt so paralyzed that, even though you knew your child needed more from you, there was nothing left to give.

He turned into the driveway and reached for the garage-door opener. Theo frowned at him in the rearview mirror. “Did you have a fight with her?”

And children—not just small children but teenagers, too—were so relentless. Just because you had nothing left didn’t mean they’d stop tugging and whining and
needing.

Had it been a fight? He supposed it had, would certainly seem that way to a fifteen-year-old. He remembered the look on Ana’s face when he told her that he needed time to think. Bleak, almost blank.

“Did you have a fight with her?” Theo repeated, his voice rising.

“Theo.” He was trying to stay reasonable, but he could feel the evening begin to swallow him, fatigue making chinks in his armor.

“Did you break up with her?” Theo’s voice was low and mean now.

“This is not a discussion I can have with you right now.”

“You’re a hypocrite! You always want us to have conversations about everything that’s going on with me, but then when it’s your life you won’t tell me anything. You treat me like a child!”

The thin thread of Ethan’s control snapped, and his voice careened upward. “You
are
a child!” Even as the words came out of his mouth, he knew they were going to be gasoline on a fire.

“Fine!” yelled Theo, throwing open his door, clambering out, slamming the door
behind him. He stormed into the house.

Ethan watched him go.

This was the first time they’d fought since Ana came into their lives. This was the first time since he’d come home to find her in his kitchen that he felt again that things were slipping away from him. That he could slide downhill into the morass from which he and Theo had been slowly emerging. When Ana made her miraculous entrance into their lives, they’d found a toehold. Leverage, insurance against the slipperiness of fear and loss. Or so he’d thought. But here it was again, the dark edge of dread.

After a long time, he managed to unbuckle his seat belt and extricate himself from the car. He pressed the button to close the overhead garage door. Theo had slammed the door into the house, but it had bounced back open.

He held the edge of the door in his hand. Stood there, staring into the darkness of the basement. Staring at the life he’d been living, the one that was waiting for him now.

A small, stubborn thought took root in him.

He could not go back. He would not go back.

“You’re
what
?” James demanded.

Ethan shifted on the couch, turned away from his brother’s intense gaze. “Marriage is the best chance she has to adjust her status and become legal again. Become a citizen.”

“So she’s putting you up to this.” James crossed his arms.

Ethan shook his head. “No. It was my idea. I called a lawyer, a friend of a friend.…” After a restless night, he’d awakened, sure of what had to be done. For Ana. For him and Theo. He’d called Rena Abrams and gotten her brother-in-law’s number. She’d guessed, of course, that it concerned Ana, had been thrilled that Ana had changed her mind about talking to a lawyer. Ethan didn’t bother to tell her that Ana knew nothing about his machinations.

James was staring at him as if he’d grown fangs.

“He says if she gets married she can adjust her status without leaving the country,” Ethan explained. “Because she came here legally in the first place.” The lawyer had also said that nothing was guaranteed post-9/11, but Ethan didn’t feel the need to bring that up.

“Are you out of your mind?” James bounced up onto his feet, paced a few feet toward the door and back again. “Marriage! You’ve known her a month!”

“It’s a contractual arrangement. To make sure she doesn’t get kicked out of the country.”

“Don’t kid yourself,” James said dangerously. “It’s a marriage. Lifetime commitment. Constraints on your freedom. Hazard to your financial well-being. Potential for nasty divorce. In-laws!”

He’d known his brother was going to freak out. All things considered, this wasn’t really as bad as he’d feared. Either James was holding back or he didn’t really hate the idea all that much. This was about the intensity of reaction Ethan would have expected if he’d been dating someone for a year and was proposing marriage to her under far more conventional circumstances.

“At least tell me there will be a prenup.”

Harry Abrams had brought up the idea of a prenup but had strongly recommended against it: “The marriage has to be one hundred percent convincing as a love match. You don’t want to give anyone any reason to doubt the romantic nature of your involvement with her. You want to make the marriage as convincing as possible. A prenup opens the door to doubt.”

“I don’t want to do anything that raises the risk she’ll be deported,” Ethan had told Abrams. “And that brings up another point: Are we raising the risk that her family members will be deported?”

“Not by much,” Abrams said. “They’re always at risk, just by existing. But the chances that this would trigger some kind of action against them—not that likely, given the scarcity of resources.”

James had stopped pacing and was staring at Ethan with a look of concern.

“I want you to be my best man.”

“Wow. That’s pretty cool.” For a moment, James looked downright pleased. Then he recovered his cynical mask. “But I still think you’re crazy. Though she is hot. I can’t fault your taste. Just your fucking sanity. Are you sure about this?”

If it had been anyone other than James, Ethan would have lied to shut him up. But he couldn’t lie to his brother, and besides, James would see right through him. “No, I’m not sure. But I think I’m going to do it anyway. If—” He broke off, his stomach clenching on the thought he’d just had.

James eyed him suspiciously.

“Well, I haven’t actually asked her yet. She could say no.”

“Jesus, Eth.”

“I’m going to give myself the weekend to think about it. Ask her on Monday.” He thought of the way they’d left it, her walking away from him without looking back. Who knew what dire conclusions she’d reach between now and Monday, an eternity away? But it didn’t seem right to rush this. Proposing marriage was—it was huge. He wanted to make sure he knew what he was doing.

“Have you told Theo? Where is Theo, by the way?”

“He went to the mall with a friend of his.” Rena Abrams had taken both kids to the mall, promising she’d chaperone closely. “I haven’t told him yet, but I’m planning to. He needs to know before I ask Ana. He’ll take it better if he feels involved.” Ethan couldn’t guess what Theo’s reaction might be. He could see it going either way. The unpredictability of teenagers.

“What about Mom and Dad?”

“I’m not telling them. I’ll tell them when—if—it becomes a reality. After I work up the courage, that is. Because—Mom’s going to freak, won’t she?”

James nodded.

“She’s not going to like the idea at all.”

“Mom’s a romantic,” James said. “I don’t think marriage-as-contract-for-ensuring-citizenship is her thing. But, beyond that, she’s going to say, a lot of people are going to say, that Ana tricked you into it. That she’s using you.”

“Ana never said a thing about marriage. It never came up. It’s one hundred percent my idea.”

“I know that. And you know that. And Ana knows that. But Mom’s not going to know that.”

“Well, that’s why I’m not telling her.”

James twisted uncomfortably on the couch. “Eth, you’re not lying to yourself here, are you?”

“About what?” Ethan frowned. He felt that he was being pretty darned honest with himself and everyone around him.

“About your motives.”

“In what way would I be lying to myself?”

“You know I’m not much of a romantic myself. But it seems to me you like her a lot. A lot a lot. Like, more than ‘a contractual arrangement’ a lot.”

“What if I do? That’s not against the rules, is it?”

“Does she feel the same way?”

“I’m not asking her to. I’m not asking her to feel any particular way. I’m giving her a chance to get rid of some of the uncertainty in her life. She doesn’t have to promise me anything in return.”

James regarded him with a pointed, level gaze, until Ethan looked away. “I’m just saying,” James said quietly, “that it’s two different things, a business arrangement and a love match, and you—”

“I know what I’m doing.”

James shook his head, laughed wryly. “You keep telling yourself that.”

When Rena Abrams dropped Theo off, Ethan went out to the driveway to thank her for chaperoning, although the flush high in Theo’s cheeks made him wonder
how
carefully she’d monitored the kids.

“Hey.” She leaned out her minivan’s window. “Do you and Theo have somewhere to be for Thanksgiving? Would you want to join us? It’s kind of a fray, but that means extra bodies are always welcome.”

He’d forgotten about Thanksgiving, still a couple of weeks off. “Thanks. That’s a really nice offer.” He meant it. “But we always do Thanksgiving with my brother and my parents.” And maybe—he let himself think it—he’d invite Ana this year, too.

He and Theo waved as Rena and Leah pulled out of the driveway. Ethan followed Theo inside and into the kitchen, where Theo immediately began ransacking the snack cabinet.

Ethan waited for him to emerge with a bag of jelly beans, then said, “I have something to tell you.”

“Something good or bad?” Theo demanded instantly, glaring at his father suspiciously.

“Something good.”

Theo narrowed his eyes.

“I’m going to ask Ana to marry me.”

Theo dropped the bag, and jelly beans scattered all over the kitchen floor. Neither of them moved.

“S-s-eriously?”

“Seriously.” Ethan knelt and began picking up the jelly beans, to have something to do.

“You—you’re—getting married?” Theo asked.

“Yes.” Ethan swept the multicolored beans into a pile with his hands. “Well, if she says yes.” He hazarded a glance up at his son, who appeared to have frozen in place.

“Ana’s going to be my—my—”

“Your stepmother. If she says yes,” repeated Ethan, wondering if perhaps it had been a bad idea to tell Theo before asking Ana. But the alternative, of springing it on him afterward, had seemed so much worse.

“Wow. That’s so weird! That’s so—”

To Ethan’s great surprise and relief, he began to hop around the kitchen in a little dance. “So cool!” he exclaimed, and went to get himself a glass from the cabinet, then crossed the kitchen and opened the fridge for the milk. “I bet she won’t be a wicked stepmother, huh?” He poured the milk, missing the glass in his excitement.

Ethan put down the bag of recovered jelly beans and helped Theo clean up the spilled milk. “I’m glad you’re happy about it. Just remember, I still have to ask her.” But he let himself feel pretty good for a moment. Maybe this was going to go smoothly. James was on board. Theo was outright enthusiastic. That just left—

He wouldn’t let himself think she might say no.

“Okay.” Theo jumped a little on the balls of his feet, grinning. “What’s the plan?”

Ethan began explaining the legal significance of the marriage, how it would set in motion a process that could—he hoped—end with Ana’s becoming a permanent resident and ultimately a citizen.