Zooman Sam (11 page)

"Would you whisper them to me?" his mom asked.

Sam remembered the five hats that he had been dreading. He had placed them in the very bottom of the plastic bag.

He whispered the first one into his mother's ear.

"Gulp," she said. Her eyes opened wide, and she shuddered.

Sam whispered the second.

"Wow," his mom whispered back. "Scary."

Sam whispered the third, and his mom said, "Ooooh."

He told her the fourth, and the fifth.

His mother sat silently for a moment, holding him close. The oven timer made a beeping sound.

"Let me get the cookies out, Sam," she said, "and then we'll decide what to do."

"Okay." Sam climbed down from her lap.

"Want to call Anastasia and Steve? Ask them if they'd like some milk and cookies."

But when Sam went to the kitchen door and called, "Milk and cookies!" it was Sleuth who reacted. He leaped to his feet, knocking over a trash can filled with recyclables, so that cans and bottles fell clattering onto the brick patio; then he thundered to the porch with his ears flapping and his tail wagging, in hopes of a handout.

"Dog trainers!" Sam called in his scolding teacher voice. "You have
not
been doing your best work!"

"Remember when your dad had his wisdom teeth taken out?" Mrs. Krupnik asked Sam. Sam nodded. It hadn't been very long ago. His dad went to the dentist one afternoon, and then he came home with his face all numb and his lips looking a little crooked. That evening, at dinner,
his dad ate only soup, and some of it dribbled into his beard. Later, when the numbness went away, his mouth hurt a whole lot. His mom filled a Ziploc bag with crushed ice, and wrapped it in a towel. Then Sam's dad took a pill and lay on the couch with the ice bag on his jaw, watching "Wheel of Fortune," Anastasia's favorite show, and groaning. He thought "Wheel of Fortune" was a really dumb show, and he
always
groaned when someone bought a vowel. "Why on earth does she waste money buying an E when she's already got T and H and
knows
the other letter's an E?" Myron Krupnik would say. And Anastasia would say "Shhhhh."

But on this particular night, Sam's dad had groaned because his mouth hurt.

Sam remembered it, but he couldn't see what it had to do with scary animal hats.

His mom explained. "Everybody has four wisdom teeth," she said, "way in the back."

"Me too?" Sam asked.

"Well, not yet. You'll get them when you're older, though. Everybody does. All grown-ups have four wisdom teeth."

Sam still couldn't see what it had to do with hats, but he kept listening. His mom handed
him a cookie from the rack where they were cooling. He hoped it was one with a lot of raisins.

"And sometimes they have to be taken out. I had my wisdom teeth taken out when I was in college, actually."

"Did you have to have a bag of ice?"

"Yes, I did. I stayed overnight in the college infirmary."

Sam chewed on his cookie. "I don't want wisdom teeth," he told his mother. "I'm not going to have any."

"Well, Sam," his mom said, "the reason I asked if you remembered Daddy's wisdom teeth was this. He had four of them, and the dentist said they all had to come out. So he
could
have had them done one at a time. Maybe one each week."

"Then it wouldn't have hurt so much," Sam said.

"Well, maybe not. But it would have meant that every week he would have to think about it and worry about it. And then he would have one done, and it would get better, and he would have to start thinking about the
next
one."

"And you would have to make him four ice bags," Sam said.

"Right. But he decided to get it all over with at once. Your dad is a brave guy, Sam."

"Yeah." Sam chewed on his cookie and thought about his dad. He still couldn't figure out what this had to do with scary animal hats.

"So, here's my thought, Sam," his mother said. "You could just forget about those scary animal hats. You could forget about being a zooman. We could take that zooman suit and cut it up into rags and you would never have to wear it again. And we could throw the hats away."

Sam shook his head slowly. "No," he said. "I promised the other kids scary animals."

"I know you did. And I know you're a brave guy, too, like your dad." His mom hugged him, and he snuggled in her lap.

"Yes," Sam said. "I am." He tried to think about times when he had been brave. Once he had had to have a penicillin shot, and he hadn't cried.

"So it seems to me that you could do those—how many were there?"

"Five," Sam said.

"Yes, five. You could do those five hats one at a time, one each day, and you could drag it out and worry about it for five days. Or you could be like your dad and his wisdom teeth."

Now
he saw what she meant. "And get them all over with at once!" Sam said.

"Right."

"Tomorrow," Sam said.

"All five?" his mom asked.

"All five," Sam said.

"Class," Sam announced, as he stood in front of the circle of children, "today will be a very special day."

"Where's your hat?" Leah asked.

"Hey! I can see Sam's hair!" Adam shouted.

Sam looked down at the plastic trash bag on the floor beside him. "I will be doing a lot of hats," he explained, "but I decided to do them one at a time instead of wearing them in a tower, the way I did birds. Remember I promised you scary animal hats? Today's the day."

"Uh, Sam," Mrs. Bennett asked politely, "how many will you be doing this morning? I had planned on a finger-painting project." She looked at her watch.

"Five," Sam told her.

"Goodness," Mrs. Bennett said, "I'm not sure we'll have time for five today, Sam."

"I have to," Sam said. "It's like wisdom teeth."

"
Wisdom teeth?
"

"These are five very scary animals," Sam explained.

"Do it, Sam! Do the scary ones!" Adam and some of the other boys began to call. "You promised really scary ones!"

Mrs. Bennett sighed. "Go ahead, Sam," she said.

Sam took the first hat out of the bag. He looked at it carefully to see which one it was, and then he put it on his head. "Big Ben?" he said. "Could you do the music from
Jaws?
"

Big Ben began to hum the scary music loudly. Some of the children joined in. Sam could see Becky cover her ears.

"I am now wearing my Sharks hat," Sam announced. "A zookeeper has to take care of sharks."

"Oh,
no!
" Becky moaned. She uncovered her ears and covered her eyes.

"But I know how to train sharks to behave,"
Sam explained. "Who would like to be a pretend shark?"

All of the boys waved their arms in the air, volunteering, and Sam chose Eli and Adam. "Swim toward me when I tell you to," Sam instructed them. "Not till I'm ready."

Eli and Adam lay on the carpet, waiting. They made their faces into scary faces, with their teeth showing.

"I have a special weapon," Sam explained. He reached into the bag and took it out.

"Sam," Mrs. Bennett said, in a warning sort of voice.

"It's not a gun," Sam reassured her. He turned toward the class and toward the two sharks who were waiting. "Okay, sharks," he said, "
swim.
"

All of the children, led by Big Ben, were now humming the
Jaws
music loudly: all except Becky, who was curled in Miss Ruth's lap and had her face in her hands. Eli and Adam wiggled across the floor toward Sam.

It was very, very scary. Sam aimed his dog-training bottle of water with a teensy bit of vinegar and waited. When the two sharks were close enough, he shot them both.

"
Yuck!
" Eli and Adam jumped up, their faces
wet. The humming stopped. The shark attack was over.

"See?" Sam said. "It's easy to control sharks if you know what you're doing.

"Next," he said, changing his hat with a dramatic flourish, "I need a whole bunch of you to be a swarm of hornets!"

The class, all of them excited, began to buzz loudly. Leah began to move forward slowly in her wheelchair, and three others fluttered imaginary wings and aimed their stingers at Sam as they approached.

It was very, very scary. "Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz," the class buzzed. But Sam, wearing his Hornets cap, tried to be as brave as the bravest possible zooman. He aimed his squirter, and one by one he shot the hornets and they dropped to the floor. Leah slumped over in her wheelchair, and said, "I'm dead. Zzzzz."

Sam changed hats again. "Now," he announced, "Grizzlies."

Big Ben got up from his seat. No one made a sound. There was no
Jaws
music, no zzzzzzz. There was just Big Ben, rising up into the silence with his arms raised high in the air and his fingers shaped into claws. He lurched forward slowly, moving his legs in huge thumps, growling. Then, suddenly, he began to give a terrible grizzly roar. It was the scariest thing Sam had ever seen, and it was coming right toward him.

He took aim and squirted Big Ben in the mouth, mid-roar.

The class cheered as the grizzly slowly slumped to the floor, defeated.

Sam took out another hat. This one scared him, but he wasn't entirely certain what it was. In the very beginning, when the hats were brand new, his mother had read each one to him, and he had set these five aside. His mom had agreed that this one was very scary, but she didn't know exactly what it was either.

"Devil rays," Sam announced in a loud voice. Everyone looked impressed and a little frightened, but no one said anything.

Becky uncovered her face. "That's a bad word," she said loudly, "and my mom says you shouldn't ever say it."

"Oh," Sam said. In his own house, there were certain bad words that you were not supposed to say. But
devil rays
was not one. "Well, I won't say it, then. Who would like to be—"

Becky interrupted him. She climbed off Miss Ruth's lap and stood with her hands on her hips. She stamped one foot. "I'm going to tell my mom if you keep wearing a hat with a bad word," Becky said in a loud voice.

Sam frowned. "Because of Becky, I'm going to take my Devil Rays hat off," he told the other children.

"And don't keep saying it, either," Becky insisted, "or I'll tell my mom."

Sam couldn't resist saying it again. "I wanted to tell you all about devil rays, class," he announced, "because I know you are very interested in devil rays, but I'm not going to, because of Becky, because Becky doesn't want me to say devil rays. I am now taking off my Devil Rays hat." Sam took off the cap and stuffed it back into the bag.

"You said the bad word four times," Becky pointed out.

Sam stared at her. "Make that five," he said defiantly. "
Devil rays.
"

Becky flopped down on the floor to sulk.

"Now for the last one," Sam said. "I need long, skinny volunteers." Everybody looked at Miss Ruth, who was the longest and skinniest person in the room. She laughed and raised her hand to volunteer. Lindsay and Peter joined her. "Okay," Sam said, "you need to lie on the floor and hiss."

The three volunteers lay on the carpet and made the sound "ssssssss."

Sam reached down into the bottom of the bag for his final scary hat. He put it on.

"Diamondbacks," he announced.

"Ooooh," said Mrs. Bennett. "That's a kind of rattlesnake!"

The hissing snakes wiggled toward Sam, flicking their tongues in a terrifying way. One by one Sam shot them with the squirter, and they quivered and lay still. The class applauded and cheered: all but Becky, who was still sulking.

"The end," Sam said triumphantly. He took off the Diamondbacks cap, put it into the bag, and bowed to the audience.