Absolute Mayhem (18 page)

I'm here on this earth, I would say, because I'm
proof positive that there is no easy way. Given what I
do for a living, which is a double-edged sword, I can
testify to that. I've found my spiritual path the hard way,
and there's no turning back now. What goes around
comes around, as they say. The ephemeral things of this
earth have diminished in value, for I've found my own
perfect circle.

There are a lot of things you can say about
us porn stars, but one thing's for sure – we
certainly have a unique job. But it is also a job that
makes you very vulnerable, in terms of being left
open to criticism and being made fun of. And I don't
mean just the nudge-nudge, wink-wink, elbow-in-the-ribs
kind of tomfoolery that adolescent boys share
when they're discovering sex for the first time.

Not everything that's said about us is good, nor does
it have to always be. I can actually understand criticism
of this sort, because some girls will go to extreme
lengths just for some mainstream publicity and I know
that, personally, I wouldn't want to be made to look like
a fool just to get more fans and more attention from
the media.

One girl did something very risky when she allowed a
company that had signed her to a contract to issue a press
release saying she'd decided to fuck her fans on camera.
She announced that she would select one lucky member
of her website a month to shoot a sex scene with her and
added, 'It's something that I've dreamt of doing since
the very first day in the business. I get all wet and tingly
when I think about one of my hardcore fans sliding their
hard cock all the way up in me. It's so naughty!'

She was not asking her fans for any money for the sex
scene, but they did have to pay to be a member of her
website. Once registered, they had to write to her to say
why they thought they deserved to win and also what
kind of scene they would like to do with her, and she
would then pick the winner based on what they wrote.
Quite clever, I thought!

The risk I'm talking about is that some people will
inevitably call that sort of thing a gimmick that falls
into that grey area where porn and prostitution collide.
Well, it's grey to those people. Legally, though, porn
and prostitution are not the same thing. When there is
a camera and a movie involved, it's not prostitution –
because the girl is not being paid directly by the guy
she's having sex with but by a third party (usually a
producer or a production company), so it doesn't count
as prostitution.

But in the porn industry there are definitely girls
who do 'private' work on the side when the cameras are
turned off , and girls who pose for 'private' shoots and
get paid by the photographer (for services rendered to
him). Personally, I've never gone that far. Back when
I was working in the bars and clubs, there were times
when I was paid for just being a 'date', which did not
involve sex. Sometimes, all I had to do was party with
the guy, drink, do some blow, and stay up until he passed
out – basically, it was take the money and leave! Some
guys were really just lonely and not necessarily looking
for sex. They just wanted companionship, so they would
pay me to hang out with them.

Even when I was stripping, I never crossed that line.
I must have been so naive, because I didn't even realise
that the girls around me were doing all sorts of extracurricular
activities. But I wasn't a stripper for long, and
when I was feature-dancing I never crossed that line
either. I'm sure there are people who think I'm a prostitute,
and it sure doesn't help that my name has been
included in several escorting websites without my knowledge
or permission and I can't do a damn thing about it.

A woman who owned one of these sites, Nici's Girls,
got busted but not before she had sold a list of clients
and models/celebrities to a mainstream magazine. Truth
be told, I get a lot of such offers from various agencies
but I don't trust any of them so I never do it. But the
damage has already been done – all these agencies have
my name up on their sites and I can't do anything to get
it taken down unless I pay a lawyer, which wouldn't be
worth my while. So everyone thinks I'm hooking too,
even though I'm not.

Because of the financial downturn, I'm sure a lot of
girls have turned to hooking. I know it would be an easy
way to pay off all my loans and bills, but I'm still trying
to work the legal way. Am I crazy, not to take the path
of least resistance and just go for the money? Maybe so.
Time will tell if I'm right.

When I started out in this business, nobody ever told
me I'd have to think about stuff like this. After more
than eight years of this bizarre lifestyle, I need to find
something else to do with my life. I am reminded of
it all the time now, every time a shoot gets cancelled
because some silly girl flaked out and didn't show up,
or whenever some amateur pornographer who thinks
he's a director tries to make a movie. There have been
dozens of such scenarios, and the list seems endless.

Mine is a career where you're dealing with extreme
behaviour of all sorts, all the time. The whole issue
of hate mail is a good example. Bluntly put, there are
some people out there who have too much time on their
hands and choose to inflict their own all-too-obvious
insecurities on other people. Porn stars, of course, are
an easy target.

Back when I was brand new in the adult-film business,
I did my very first interracial sex scene. One very
disturbed individual chose to express himself somewhat
negatively. He sent me a letter that clearly reflected all
the wit and sophistication of the KKK, of which I can
only presume he was himself a member.

It read like this:

How dare you go and fuck that nigga with that turd colored
cock and that poisonous semen?! If I were your father or
brother, I would beat the living hell out of you! You make me
sick, you fucking white trash whore!

Pretty eloquent, huh? I wonder whether he did
remedial English in high school. Things haven't
improved much in eight years. Recently, another guy
sent me some nasty, judgemental comments about porn
stars. I promptly rewarded his trouble by publishing his
rant on my blog and cited his name, since he had so
kindly left his MySpace address. The 36-year-old lug
from Louisiana had written to tell me:

You are a hooker-porn star. Why don't you go suck some cock
to get rid of your money problems? Isn't that what you porn
stars do when you are short on money? I have fucked seven
porn stars and your kind are easy to figure out. Go turn a trick,
you trick.

Wow, I thought, what a vocabulary this boy must have,
to make such exceptional use of the English language!

I wonder if those seven girls he claims to have slept
with were truly 'easy to figure out'. What makes him
an authority on porn-star psychology? Seriously, don't
some people have better things to do? I posted on my
blog a direct retort to him:

You don't fucking know me, so quit being so quick to judge! I
am a good person, with a big heart, and the people closest to
me know this.

That's the best anyone can do when faced with bigots
like these.

There will always be men out there looking for ways
to put women down, and when a woman is so obviously
open about her sexuality these guys act like sharks
sniffing blood. I think a woman who allows herself to be
a sex object should be put on a pedestal, because sexual
objectification is a form of worship, like they did in the
early pagan religions. But how can you explain that to
these guys?

Jessica Drake, who starred with me in a hilarious
movie called
Hi-Infidelity
, once gave an interview in
which she talked about this in a way that I can very
much identify with. 'I am a sex worker,' she said. 'I got
into this business to do that, so that people could see
me have sex on camera, for the attention. I want
it. Everybody look at me – me, me, me! And I like
the fact that I inspire people. I realise that I provide
a fantasy and I'm fine with that. I want to be everybody's
fantasy.'

I guess I, too, am a sex worker and it does come down
to wanting attention. It really is nice to have fans and
to have people appreciate you for being brave enough to
display the sexual side of yourself – not too many people
you meet on a daily basis can claim to be this way – and
so, to be seen as someone who represents a 'good fuck'
can actually be a wonderful thing. I like being thought
of as someone who can provide pleasure.

I often do live chats for my website, and most of
the time these sessions are done from my bedroom,
so I can get naked in a comfortable place. I really want
whoever's watching me to get off on enjoying what
they see. I like the thrill of the real-time interaction –
they can watch me talk dirty and pleasure myself,
while they do the same.

I don't expect everyone watching to be jerking off to
me, because sometimes these guys just want some time
to talk to me, and it's hard when so many other guys are
asking me to do certain things rather than making small
talk. But when I see a guy on my website's chat room
going crazy as he brings himself to orgasm, I get really
excited and I'm like, 'Yay! Done my job!' As a porn star,
that's what you're supposed to do. I took to this like a
duck to water, right from day one.

I really believe that porn has an important social
function. The primary reason most people are drawn to
it, and to its stars, is the sense of experiencing the 'forbidden',
so we are actually providing a useful and beneficial
public service by helping guys (and girls) to attain sexual
pleasure and achieve sexual release without hurting
anyone. I believe this, absolutely, with all my heart.

I feel that without porn, there would be so many more
sexual predators out on the streets. We are fulfilling a lot
of fantasies that most guys or girls don't otherwise get to
experience. A lot of my fans thank me for saving their
marriages, and that makes me feel good. I'm also happy
that a lot of guys who don't get laid as oft en as they'd
like to are dependent on me (and my scenes) to get off .
And, as sick as it sounds, all those paedophiles out there
are getting a good dose of what they'd like to see and
therefore are hopefully staying at home watching fake
young girls on their screens rather than actually preying
on minors.

Here's what I'd say to the conservative folks who like
to hurl their narrow-minded criticisms at us: 'Whatever
other fetishes these people have, don't you think it's
better they get to watch it on DVD or on the internet,
rather than trying to make their fantasies come true by
harming innocent women?' When you look at it that
way, we are really saving a lot of lives and helping a lot
of people with their own sex lives. Without porn stars,
there would be a lot of sexual chaos in the world. So
much more sexual frustration would be taken out on
innocent victims.

What the people who like to criticise us don't see
are the inner workings of an entire industry and the
dynamics that make it turn, including the money and
deals that grease the wheels. We porn stars are dependent
on other people for our living – agents, managers,
publicists and also the writers and editors of the
magazines – so by lambasting us these people are also
hurting them.

They also don't see that we have to work with the
press, which means you won't last long if you're just
some blonde bimbo. This is a tough ball game, because
it seems like you have to kiss ass to a lot of editors, which
I was never one to do. I'm always friendly and courteous
to writers, but I'm not an ass kisser. In general, you
really have to watch what you say, because some people
will either twist your words or, worse, record everything
word for word when you didn't mean to say something
the way it came out. That's always difficult, and you just
need to think hard before answering some questions. It
never gets any easier dealing with people in this business.
Instead, you just get more and more used to it.

I also think this industry gets a bad reputation
because some of the girls who give interviews to the
press are not exactly the brightest light bulbs, so people
think we're all ditzy or stupid. They don't realise that it
takes some smarts to survive in a business where your
success oft en depends on how well you can find people
whom you can trust and rely on. It isn't easy at all, and
you have to manage not to burn out from the sheer
fatigue of dealing with the whole charade.

I trust my own intuition and I think I always seem to
know what is going to be good for my future, even if it's
not what normal people would consider a good career
move. I feel quite sure I now know a lot more about sex
than most people, thanks to all the experimentation I've
done in the name of cinematic and photographic art.

And now, for the sake of many of my fans who are
dying to know about my own approach to sex, I'd like
to set the record straight. The question about sex that
seems to intrigue most people is this: do male porn stars
turn me on, or are they just 'prop dicks' to me?

Some male performers still turn me on, especially
when it's someone I haven't worked with for a while, unless
they've really let themselves go with their appearance
– that is
such
a turn-off to me. I like a guy who takes care
of himself the way I do, but not too much, just enough to
look healthy and toned, rather than fat, sloppy and hairy.
However, if they have that same sexual appetite they used
to have, that can make up for a bit of slackness.

I like passion, and I hate it when guys act like they are
just there to fuck you and get paid. I'm sure that if you
ask the guys how they feel about the girls they have to
work with, they'll all say pretty much the same thing. It's
so much more fun when they are really turned on by me
and when they make me feel like they are there for
me and not just for the pay cheque.

Now, I have to add the obvious – some guys automatically
assume that porn stars will fuck anything, just
because of what we do for a living. These are the guys
who will try to make passes at us at parties or try to cop a
feel or get a free grope of any of our body parts in public.
Seriously, that's not very smart on their part. When you
stop to think about it, it's a really dumb assumption. If
we fuck for a living and get paid to do that, why would
we want to fuck any random guy that comes up?