Absolute Mayhem (23 page)

I just like being paid to be a professional sex object.
I do feel like I am a commodity and I know I am selling
my body to make possible the pleasure of others, so
I'm never embarrassed about signing autographs for
the fans. 'All my luv and sex!' and 'Keep it hard for
me!' are what I generally like to write when I'm signing
box-covers, which is pretty tame compared to some
of the things some of the other girls will write. I see
no need to be too nasty on paper, since they're going to
be seeing me in the movie anyway and can think every
nasty thought of me then.

Honestly, I am proud of the fact that I made a fateful
decision to live, as they say, a life less ordinary. I get to
choose my lifestyle and work in an industry that many
women secretly wish they could be a part of somehow
but fear to admit it, much less act on it, because of
societal disapproval.

I'm a perfect example of what can happen if you just
take a chance and do things on the spur of the moment.
You never know how far that might take you.

When I left the corporate world, all I wanted was to be
free, to be my own boss, to not have to worry too much
about the business side of things, to just be an actress/
model and enjoy life. What I've since learned, oft en the
hard way, is that you need a business plan in order to
develop your career. There were times when I realised too
late that I should have accepted certain contracts being
offered to me, and there were certain times in my career
when I should have done more mainstream publicity.

And, I'll willingly admit, times when I shouldn't have
blown so much money on things I didn't really need
– like a very cool car that I really spent a fortune on,
getting it all souped up only to lose it, thanks to a wacky
quirk of fate called a divorce – and, of course, there
were drugs I shouldn't have done and loser 'friends' that
I shouldn't have taken care of.

How many more years in porn do I have? I don't
know. I never plan ahead like that, because I just go with
the flow. I think I will know when it's time to stop. Right
now, I can see myself doing this for at least a few more
years. Retirement isn't an option yet, though it crosses
my mind every now and then.

Whatever happens, I'll always have my website,
anyway. Sometimes, like a lot of people, I wish that
someone would come and save me and take me away
from all my problems. I hope I'll be married again some
day. I used to think about the possibility of directing
or producing or working behind the camera, but I've
decided that's really not my passion. I hate putting my
energy into things that I'm not 100-per cent passionate
about.

And, of course, I want to be a rock star, after I've
done my duty being a porn star. It's a different way of
making people happy, and who's to say one is better or
one is wrong? I'd rather do both, and discover the truth
for myself.

We would both like to thank our wonderful
team at Ebury Press/Random House – Alison
Urquhart (our publisher), Kevin O'Brien and Jessica
Dettmann (our editors) and Alysha Farry (our publicist)
– who collectively inspired us and kept the faith.
(Alison told us she'd read our entire original manuscript
over the Christmas holidays in December 2008 in one
sitting. We are so not worthy!)

We are also indebted to certain friends for certain
things (including drugs and sex . . . just kidding): Jay
Allan, Robbye Bentley, Edwina Blush, Sharon Bradley,
Annalisa Buoro, Asia Carrera, Dana Duncan Seil, Janiss
Garza, Tanya de Grunwald, Chris King, Hank Londoner,
Dee McLaughlin, Jay Moyes, Suze Randall, Brenda
Scofield, Juanita Titan, Jeff Wozniak and Sherry
Ziegelmeyer.

Special thanks to Alaura Eden and Dez Ballard (in
Orange County), Troy (in Maryland) and Kelly Holland
(for first introducing us to each other, back when she
was still Toni English).

Monica gives big hugs to Rick Bottari, for being her
good Aussie mate living in LA and for coming up with
the brilliant title
Absolute Mayhem
. She would like to
say to Gerry, 'Without you, this book may not have
been made possible. And thanks for being such a great
friend!'

Gerrie says the pleasure is mutual and cheers to
Smokey. And love always (once more, with feeling)
to P. H.