Big Girl Panties (25 page)

Chapter Twenty-Four

H
olly went home and stood under the shower for twenty minutes. She wouldn't cry. Not anymore. Not for anyone. She looked down at her swollen knuckles, the water washing over them, and allowed herself a bitter laugh. She almost wished she could have stayed around to see their faces. It didn't matter now. Tomorrow she would start anew, wiser, stronger. Chase had been right about her; she really did have potential. Who would have thought it would be the potential to create mayhem for all of them?

She was curled up on the living room couch when the doorbell rang. She wasn't scared. She wasn't anything. If the police were coming to take her to the big house for assault, they could have her. Holly got up and looked through the peephole.

Tina came out of the kitchen and found Holly standing at the closed door, pale and impassive. “Who is it?” she mouthed.

“Logan.” Holly shrugged, then shook her head. “I wasn't expecting him. Not tonight.”

Tina poked a long slender finger at her own chest with vigor. “I've got this. Go make yourself scarce.”

Holly went up the stairs and Tina went to the door. She opened it and looked him up and down with disdain. Even disheveled and thrashed, he was every bit as spectacular as his pictures. The pictures she caught Holly staring at sorrowfully day after day. This was the man she'd watched her friend cry over for the better part of a week. Tina was ready for him. Her eyes finally settled on his bemused face.

“I need to see Holly,” Logan said without any preamble.

“If she wanted to see you, she'd be standing here.”

Logan blinked. Who was this tall wispy woman with long brown hair and cold dark eyes. “I'm Logan Montgomery. Who the hell are you?”

Tina raised an unimpressed eyebrow. “I know exactly who you are. Who am I? The person you better start being a whole lot nicer to if you have any hope of getting past this door.”

Logan stared, dumbfounded. He could forget about trying to be intimidating; hostility was practically radiating out of her. It was plain to see charm wasn't going to work on her either. Whoever this woman was, she was taking her role of bulldog seriously. He continued to stand on the front porch staring blankly, racking his brain trying to figure out just who she was and how to get past her without muscling his way in. Then it dawned on him.

“You must be Tina.” He gave her a lopsided grin.

“You're very perceptive. You can add it to your list of attractive attributes.”

“Welcome to New Jersey,” Logan muttered, feeling the slap of her sarcasm.

“And so polite, too! But you're a little late on that one. I've been here all week.”

Logan felt his ire pitch and his jaw start to clench. “I guess you'd be the person I should thank for Holly's outstanding performance this evening.”

Tina threw back her head and laughed before answering coolly, “You're giving me way too much credit. All I did was run some errands, give some moral support, and drive the getaway car. You really are a piece of work. Why don't you thank yourself? If you weren't such a shallow spoiled narcissist, my best friend would've never felt the need to do something so drastic.”

Logan's teeth began to grind. All of this was getting him nowhere. It was obvious Tina had already made up her mind about him and wasn't going to budge from her preconceived notion.

“What's the matter?” Tina asked. “Not used to the labeling and name-calling?”

Logan shook his head slowly and released a single chuckle. “You've got it all wrong, you know. You both do. I guess you never heard the phrase ‘There are three sides to every story'?”

“I couldn't care less about your side. And Holly's side is usually the truth, because I've known her long enough to know she's honest. That's good enough for me.”

“She's hurt and confused. If you'll just let me in, I can explain.”

“Explain? What's to explain? Did you or did you not tell all your highfalutin friends she was your ugly duckling? Have you or have you not been taking all the credit for her hard work? You don't even need to answer; the guilt is written all over your jacked-up face. Whatever you want to tell her you can tell me from right where you are; I'll be sure to pass it along.”

“I'm not leaving until I see her,” Logan stated with resolve.

“I'll bet the cops would have a different take on that.”

“Tina.” Holly broke in quietly from behind her. “It's okay. You can let him in.”

Tina turned briefly from her spot at the door to look at Holly, who was now standing at the bottom of the stairs, calm but wide eyed. “You're sure?”

Holly met Tina's eyes. “It's okay.” Then she added, “Stay close.”

Tina turned back to Logan, gave him one more disapproving snort, and opened the door. Logan stepped into the foyer.

“Thank you,” he said, overly polite.

“Not my idea,” Tina retorted, closing the door behind him and resuming her post beside it.

Holly took one look at him and wiggled her bruised fingers. No wonder her hand hurt so much. Even she was surprised at the damage she had inflicted, but she refused to give him the satisfaction of displaying any remorse. Besides, she didn't feel any.

“What do you want?” She was as emotionless as stone.

“I really need to talk to you.” He took one more fleeting look in Tina's direction. “Do you think we can go someplace private?”

“No.” She stood at the staircase, leaning on the banister. “Tina isn't going anywhere. Whatever you have to say, just say it.”

She waited. It sure was easier to deal with having only one of those sad puppy eyes staring back at her. And it disgusted her that even with the swollen, half-closed, bruising eye, he was still absolutely magnificent.

“I never meant to hurt you when I called you an ugly duckling.” He got right to the point, for the first time acutely conscious of how unkind the words sounded as he spoke them.

“If you're using it as a pickup line, you might want to reconsider.” Her face remained expressionless.

He continued miserably, throwing his hands up in surrender. “It was never my intention to pick you up. I don't even know why I ever used the term.”

She didn't bother holding back the hollow laugh. “I do. You said it yourself. Because it was never your intention to pick me up. You and Amanda and Chase and all of your friends—you beautiful people would never let a fat loser like me get close enough to your circle to worry what goes on within it. You go on, from day to perfect day, blinded by spotlights, living your perfect lives, surrounding yourselves with other perfect people. You were only willing to let me in because I busted my ass twenty-four-seven for the privilege. I don't know if I could make it in a world like yours, but I sure as h
ell don't think I want to spend the rest of my life trying.” Her genuine overwhelming sadness was beginning to show and Holly made no attempt to conceal it.

He ineffectively tried to rationalize. “That's not true, Holly. You are part of my world. It didn't mean anything. I say it all the time.”

“You
never
said it to me but you said it to others, which can only mean it rang true to you in my case,” she stated with unaffected calm. “Go ahead, Logan, tell me I'm wrong.”

“It's not true!” he said emphatically, desperate to be understood, all thought of Tina's witnessing the exchange forgotten. “I never thought of you in that way at all. When I said it to Natalie and all the others before her, I would do it to provoke them. People would rave to them about their beauty all the time. When exactly should I have said it to you? While you were grieving the loss of your husband? While you were trying to overcome your food issues? When I realized—” His stopped short of finishing the sentence, the one that would have ended with “I loved you.”

Holly was unimpressed. She shook her head. “Shame on me. I trusted you. Like I trusted my husband, when he tore me away from everything and everyone I knew and locked me away in this tower, only to leave me stranded. You know, the first time I laid eyes on you, I hated you. But the more we talked, the more I got to know you, I started to feel like you might really be my knight in shining armor. The biggest joke of all was that you totally looked the part. And isn't
that
ironic? When all is said and done, I'm really no different from the rest of you—worshipping physical perfection.”

Logan said nothing, the impact of her words heavier than any weight he'd ever lifted.

Holly stood there, tears threatening but refusing to fall. His silence was the confirmation that everything she said was true. She turned and went up the stairs.

“You know the way out,” she said without looking back.

Logan waited 'til he heard the slam of her bedroom door before turning to leave. Tina was standing at the now-reopened door with her arms crossed, ready to close it behind him.

Their eyes met. Her look had softened, was no longer hostile. There may have even been some pity thrown in. Her mouth was slightly open, as though she wanted to say something but had thought better of it. She believed him. Her gaze drifted to the staircase and then settled back on him. After her single nod, he turned away from her and took the stairs two at a time. She didn't follow.

He stood outside Holly's bedroom door.

“You're right, you know,” he said loudly through the wood that separated them. “About almost everything. Everything except the part where you said you're like me. I'm an idiot, Holly, a first-class idiot.”

When he got no response, he laid his ear against the door, his fingers gently tracing along the lines of the frame. His voice was low and pleading. “Don't you see, Holly? That day on the plane? I thought I was going to teach you something. But in the end, it was
you
who taught
me
. Taught me not to judge a book by its cover. Taught me about real strength, and endurance, and beauty, and all the other things I used to consider my specialty. I'm not done learning, Holly.” He lightly banged his forehead on the door and whispered, hoarse: “If you leave me now, it'll be a real loss. A real loss.”

As soon as he heard the door begin to open, he burst through, giving her no opportunity to change her mind. He swept her up into the middle of the room and kissed her. And kissed her. And kissed her. With each kiss he pulled her closer, hugged her tighter. He stole breath after breath and squeezed her until she felt dizzy. When he finally set her at arm's length, she felt like she'd just ridden a roller coaster.

“Does this mean we get another chance?” Logan inhaled and then held his breath.

Holly looked at him with deep sadness, so deep she was afraid she might actually drown in it. This was supposed to be her crowning moment, where she would emerge triumphant, having finally and completely freed herself from the hold he had over her. Maybe it was because his delicious kiss was still fresh on her lips or she was still light-headed from his crushing embrace, but suddenly she didn't want to say the cruel things she'd planned. Holly slowly shook her head. “No. It means I didn't want to have any bad feelings between us when I said good-bye.”

His look of relief was replaced with one of confusion, and his grip tightened on her shoulders. “What do you mean ‘good-bye'?”

“I mean that as of tomorrow morning, I'm packing it in and going home.”

Logan released her and looked around the room. Two suitcases were situated near the doorway, the confirmation of her statement. He returned his befuddled gaze to her. “You're going back to Toronto?”

“Oregon,” she stated simply.

“Oregon?” he repeated, fully aghast. “That's a terrible idea. You were miserable there!”

She gave him a sad little smile. “Your time for telling me what is and isn't a good idea has passed, Logan. Besides, I think I'm ready to go back there, be part of a family again.”

“A family that you told me didn't want you for anything more than a nurse and maid,” he told her. “Where they have an illness that can't be cured without active participation. You can't save them if they don't want saving.”

She shrugged. “No family is perfect. They don't even know I'm coming. And I'm not that same girl anymore, thanks in part to you. I'm stronger, focused. I'm going to stay with Tina for a while, till I find a place to live. Once I'm settled, I'll make the call. They're starting to deteriorate, my father rapidly. I don't want to have any regrets about whether or not I was a lousy daughter.”

“What about this place?” he asked her, still trying to reconcile the words that were coming out of her mouth with the meaning behind them.

“It goes on the market tomorrow. No matter how long it takes, I can wait it out,” Holly said.
If it takes too long, I'm willing to take a bath on it,
she added to herself, anything to get away.

“I don't want you to do this,” he said.

“What you want no longer matters,” she told him quietly. “And it's going to be okay, for both of us. I'm sure of it. You'll be ringing in the New Year saying, ‘Holly who?' I guarantee it.”

There was nothing more to say. Logan took a step back and turned, making his way to the door. Before exiting, he turned back to her with his single beautiful eye, the one that wasn't swelling. “I'm really sorry I hurt you, Holly.”

“I'm really sorry I gave you a black eye, Logan. But if it makes you feel any better, I was aiming for your nose,” she said.

“Thanks for missing. That would've really sucked,” he told her, wanting desperately to kiss her again one last time and knowing it wouldn't make any difference. It would only prolong the agony. “I hope you know what you're doing.”

She nodded and he left the room. Holly listened to the sounds of his footsteps going down the stairs, a brief quiet exchange of voices, and the sound of the front door closing. She threw herself on the bed and began to sob.