Ceaseless (19 page)

CHAPTER 18 

Dank

              
She wouldn’t talk to me. I couldn’t force her. I needed to win her 
trust
. Dammit I needed her to remember me. Remember us. Standing across the street I watched as Jay bought her coffee and they sat down. They were like two 
old friends
. It had been over a year yet there they sat laughing and talking like no time had passed. She’d forgiven him for being an ass but she refused to talk to me. Was this what I’d been warned about?  Was this when Pagan began to get feelings for Jay?

              
“She doesn’t feel anything more than friendship and affection for him. You can see that from here,” Gee
 said as she appeared beside me.

              
“I can only hope. She was so close to remembering. She was feeling things for me. 
Now, nothing.
 I can’t get her to even speak more than one syllable words to me and that’s if I’m lucky.”

              
“This is the test 
Dankmar
. You knew it was coming. 
Her soul must
 have a
n
 
opportunity 
to decide. When she is with you then she doesn’t have 
a 
chance because her feelings for you consume her even if she can’t remember why. Her heart reacts to you. Her soul knows you.”

              
My eyes burned. Pain sliced through me. She was mine. She owned me. But she hated me. How was I supposed to function like this? Right now I had no chance at winning her heart or her soul.

              
“Stop standing around and being all wounded and shit. Go do something about it. You’re Dank Walker. You’re fucking Death. He’s a human soul. You got this. Go figure 
it
 out.”

              
Gee was always good for a pep talk. And she was right. I needed to get it together and find a way to get her back. I’d come to her like a human. 
Just another guy.
 I hadn’t invaded her soul. I could reach places Jay couldn’t.

              
“What if she never remembers?”

              
“Then you better make her fall in love with you, again.”

              
“How did I do it the first time?”

              
“You let her in.”

              
I let her in. She’d 
seen
 the real me. I hadn’t been scared to 
s
how her who I was. I’d never hidden from her the fact that I wasn’t human. She might not have known I was Death but she’d thought I 
was a soul.  This Pagan 
no longer saw lost souls who roamed the earth. The Voodoo Lord of the dead’s hold was no longer on her. That was forgotten. I’d treated her like someone else.
Someone who could break.
 My Pagan was strong. She didn’t hide from anything.

              
You’re mine, Pagan Moore. You will always be mine.

              
I watched as she stopped 
listening
 to Jay and looked around her. I stepped forward out of the shade from the trees. Her eyes found me. I could see the confusion in them from here.

              
You own me. Once you knew this. I’m going to make sure you remember.

              
Pagan’s coffee cup fell from her hands and the boy jumped up from the hot 
liquid
 now running off the side of the table. This was what I should have done all along. It was time I made sure Pagan understood I wasn’t here for any other reason but her.

Pagan

              
Dank was talking in my head. How? I wasn’t going crazy. I watched him across the street. He stood there and talked in my head. I couldn’t concentrate on anything Jay said on the way back to the dorm. We both had coffee
-
stained clothing. We may even have some burn
s
. All I’d been able to do was apologize. I couldn’t manage more than that. Because Dank had talked in my head
;
 h
e had spoken over my thoughts. It was his voice. 
I heard him l
oud and clear.

              
I stopped at Gee’s door and knocked twice but she 
didn’t answer
. Frustrated, I went to my room and started to open it then changed my mind and knocked first. I did not want to see Nathan’s bare ass. No one answered. I unlocked the door and went inside. Miranda’s bed was a mess and I decided I didn’t want to think about that. I would focus on Dank Walker talking in my head. Was he a wizard? 
T
hat sounded stupid even saying it. Was he into Voodoo because I’d heard Gee say something about voodoo more than 
once.
 No
,
 that didn’t make any sense.

              
The door swung open and Miranda came in smiling from ear to ear.

              
“I am so freaking in love,” she said with a happy sigh and closed the door behind her. 
Leaning
 back against it she turned her bright
, 
very pleased face my way.

              
“I’d say you were in lust since you just met the guy,” I decided to be honest. She was delusional if she thought she was in love.

              
“Lust, love it all goes together,” she replied with a wave of her hand.

              
I knew for a fact that it did not all go together. I had experienced lust with Dank but I
’
d never loved him.

              
“Sorry about earlier
,
 but Pagan you have no idea how good he is.”

              
“Please stop right now. I do not want to hear the details of your sex life. I could hear it. I am very aware that you were enjoying yourself.”

              
Miranda giggled and skipped over to her bed and fell face down on it and began smelling her pillow. “He is wonderful and he smells so good.”

              
“Good to know.” I replied.

              
“Oh, I heard you went to coffee with Jay. How’d that go?” Miranda asked
,
 hugging the pillow to her chest.

              
“It went good until I dropped my coffee and spilled it all over both of us. I think I may end up with a blister on 
my hand
. It burned me good.”

              
Miranda covered her mouth, “Oh no! Did Jay get mad?”

              
I had no idea how Jay reacted because all I could think about was Dank… in my head. I couldn’t exactly tell her that though.  “He was startled and then he laughed. Not much else to it. We had to leave so we could both go 
home
 and change.”

              
Miranda started laughing 
and 
couldn’t stop. I had to grin because it was funny. I’d 
m
ore than likely ruined Jay’s shirt. I should probably offer to buy him a new one.

              
“They’re having a party at the frat house tonight. I can 
bring
 anyone I want. Jay would love for you to come. Even if you did burn his body.”

              
I didn’t think facing Victoria at a frat party was something I wanted to tackle just yet. Besides Jay and I were just friends and he’d end up with some girl and I’d be 
left alone
 to swat off drunken frat boys all night. Nope
,
 not up for that. “I would rather just stay here. Get some more 
homework
 
done and go to bed early.”

              
Miranda sighed and shook her head, “You are missing out on the fun things in college.”

              
I’d tried havin
g some college fun and it hadn’t ended so well.

              
Miranda was staying with Nathan
 after the party
. This was more than likely going to become a trend. 
I didn’t like being alone at night but I figured Gee was right next-door. I snuggled under the covers and closed my eyes. Just as I started to fall asleep the strums of a guitar filled my room. I tried to open my eyes but I couldn’t. Panic started to set in. I wasn’t asleep yet. Why wouldn’t my eyes 
open.

              
It’s just me
,
 Pagan

              
Dank’s
 voice was in my head again. I needed to open my eyes. Something was very wrong. Then he began singing the hauntingly familiar song that I’d heard at his concert. 
The 
song 
that had sent me into a 
panic attack
.
 This time there was no fear. Just warmth.

              
“You weren’t meant for the ice. You weren’t made for the pain. The world that lives inside of me brought only shame.

You were meant for castles and living in the sun
. 
The cold running through me should have made you run.

Yet you stay holding onto me
. 
Yet you stay reaching out a hand that I pushed away
.
 Yet you stay when I know it’s not right for you
. 
Yet you stay 
.
 
Yet you stay
.

I can’t feel the warmth. I need to feel the ice
. 
I want to hold it all in until I can’t feel the knife. So I push you away and I scream out your name
.
 I know I can’t need you yet you give in anyway
.

Yet you stay holding onto me
. 
Yet you stay reaching out a hand that I pushed away
.
 Yet you stay when I know it’s not right for you
. 
Yet you stay
. 
Yet you stay
.

I can’t feel the warmth. I need to feel the ice.
 
I want to hold it all in until I can’t feel the knife
. 
So I push you away and I scream out your name
.
 And I know I can’t need you yet you give in anyway
.

Yet you stay holding onto me
. 
Yet you stay reaching out a hand that I pushed away
.
 Yet you stay when I know it’s not right for you 
.

Yet you stay 
.
 
Yet you stay
.

Oh, the dark will always be my cloak and you are the 
threat
 to unveil my pain. So leave, leave and erase my memories
. 
I need to face the life that was meant for me
.

Don’t stay and ruin all my plans
.

You can’t have my soul, 
oh,
 I’m not a man 
. 
The empty vessel I dwell in is not meant to feel the heat you bring
. 
So I push you away and I push you away 
. 
Yet you stay 
.

Ooooooh
.
 
Yet you stay
.
 
Yet you stay
.
 
Yet you stay
.
”

Dank

              
I decided my human form was less helpful at the moment. I walked the campus following Pagan in my true form. The one only 
souls
 could see. The one Pagan had once been able to see.  She’d slept deep
ly
 last night after I s
a
ng her to sleep. Not being able to 
snuggle 
up beside her and hold her had been hard
,
 but she wasn’t ready to accept me yet. I wouldn’t do something she didn’t welcome.