Ceaseless (22 page)

              
“I figured you hadn’t eaten anything,” Jay said as I took the bag from him. The smell of a greasy hamburger and greasier fries wafted up from the bag. He was right. I hadn’t eaten anything but my stomach wasn’t strong enough for food.

              
“I don’t think I can eat anything,” I said apologetically. It was nice of him to have thought of me but tonight I just wanted to go to bed and forget. Forget what I knew. Forget what I’d seen. It all hurt too much.

              
“You need to eat something. 
Come on
, 
let’s go inside
. Watching this isn’t good for you.”

              
I shook my head. I had to stay until it was finished. I couldn’t walk away just yet. “You can’t go inside this late. We should just stay right here.”

              
Jay reached over and took my hand in his. There was no instant rush of pleasure or excitement. He didn’t make my body react in any way. He was just my friend.

CHAPTER 21 

Dank

“I’m sick of the 
mopey shit. It
 
is getting
 old. You can’t mope for the rest of eternity. Especially when you didn’t even fight for her. You drop the bomb on her that you end human life and then you expect her to accep
t you with open arms. This 
ain’t
 a damn soap opera.”

I paced back and forth outside Pagan’s dorm. It was three in the morning and I’d just finished my rounds. Seeing her tonight had made it impossible not to come back here when I was done.

“You know I’m right. She balked and hurt your feelings and you did the dark broody thing and left. Men are all the same.”

“Shut up
,
 
Gee
. I don’t know what you expect me to do. She didn’t want to ever see me again. I was giving her what she wanted.”

Gee made a gagging sound. “No you were being a big baby. Poor Dank can’t get Pagan to remember him so he tucks his tail and runs. Her soul mate thanks you. He really does. Now he doesn’t have anything standing in his way.”

“That’s enough, Gee.”

“
Whatev
, you need to grow a pair. She asked where you were tonight. I know
 you 
heard her. Hell
,
 I heard her
,
 and I wasn’t the one pawing all over her. She wanted to see you then.”
I stopped pacing and looked up at the window where I knew she was sleeping. I’d said my goodbye. I’d given her a normal life just like she wanted. Had it been the wrong thing to do? If I had pushed her to remember, if I had tried harder to make her love me would it have worked?

“This is the unfair bitch of
 it all. She loves you. She just can’t remember. Not because her mind is sick
,
 or her brain is damaged
, but b
ecause the Deity took that memory from her.  Even though her head can’t remember her heart 
does
.”

I leaned against the brick wall and stared up at the dark sky. Would her heart win out? Could her heart trigger her memory? What if she remembered one day and I was gone? What then? Did I just lose her forever and have her think I didn’t want her? That I didn’t love her?

“What do I do, 
Gee
?”

“You fucking fight 
is
 what you do. You fucking fight.”

“I don’t want to destroy her. I don’t want to hurt her. 
I just want her happy.”

“She’ll never be happy if she never remembers.”

Pagan

The door across the hall from mine was wide open when I stepped into the hall. A girl with tight black curls and an olive complexion was sitting on the bed 
talking to Janet
,
 wh
o
shared that room with a girl name Tabby. The girl with curls waved at me and jumped up and ran to the door.

“Hey, we’ve not met yet. I’m Babes and yes
,
 like for real that is 
my name
,
 please do not ask. My mother smoked a lot of pot. Janet said you shared this room with 
your friend
Miranda who is never here.”

She sure knew a lot about me. Janet stuck her head around the corner and her hair was up in a towel. “Morning, Pagan. Sorry about Babes and her morning chattiness. It can cause headaches.”

Babes rolled her brown eyes and beamed up at me. Not many people were shorter than me but Babes was barely five foot. Her mom’s pot 
smoking
 must have stunted her growth.

“Are you going to the 
Omega
 party tonight?”

Shaking my head I admitted, “I have no idea what that is.” I wasn’t a social bug. Just recently I’d been getting to know the other girls in my dorm.

“
Ooooh
, you have to go. The 
Omegas
 throw the best parties. They only let in attractive females. You’d get in
,
 no problem.”

No thanks. I’d turned Jay down to all the ones he’d asked me to go to. I just couldn’t 
bring
 myself to participate. It didn’t sound like anything I was interested in.

“She’s 
gonna
 say no. She never goes anywhere except with the 
hottie
 that shows up to get her a few times a week.” Janet said from the chair she was 
sitting
 in brushing her hair.

“Oh come on. It’ll 
be fun. We can laugh at the insaneness together.”

I was going to be late to class. “I’ll think about it,” I said walking down the hall.

“It was nice meeting you,” she called out behind me.

She was a bubbly sort.  “You too,” I replied and hurried toward the door before she could say anything else. I definitely needed coffee before I could handle her again.

I expected Jay to
 
be outside waiting on me with a cup of coffee 
in his hand
. But for the first time in weeks, he wasn’t. I had enough time to stop by the coffee house on my way to class if I hurried.

“Sleeping too late Peggy Ann, tsk 
tsk
 
tsk
.”

I stopped and spun around at the sound of Gee’s voice. She was sitting on the hood of her little 
black
 sports car.

“Gee?”

She rolled her eyes, “Last time I checked.”

I walked toward her, “What are you doing here?”

“I have something that belongs to you. I thought I’d bring it back. If I recall correctly you were real attached to it.”

What was she talking about? I was beside her car when she reached i
nto her pocket and pulled something out and held out her hand. Slowly she opened it and nestled in the palm of her hand was a small gold brooch. It was a heart shaped filigree with pale pink stones. I’d seen this before. My heart pounded in my chest as I reached out and touched it.

“What is this?”  I asked lifting my gaze from the brooch to Gee’s curious expression.

“I think you know. You should know. Why don’t’ you take this brooch and put it in your pocket. Think about it. See if a memory doesn’t find its way inside.”

I picked up the delicate brooch. It looked old but well cared for.  My head started to spin as I held it. She was right. There was a memory here.

“Where did you get it?

“Why
 it’s
 a funny thing you should ask me that. I found it in your room. Right where you left it.”

How had she found this 
in my room
? I didn’t remember ever putting this anywhere in my room. I looked back up at her to ask 
but 
she was gone.

I ran the pad of my thumb over the stones.

“Can you take this and give it to me after my soul leaves my body? I want to keep it.”

A sharp pain sliced through my head. 
I reached out and grabbed the side of the car to keep from falling.

“I gave you this brooch. I told you that I wanted to take it with me. You said that could be arranged and you slipped it into your pocket
”

Another hot blaze rocketed through my head. I sank down to 
the cement
 below. What was happening? There were memories attached to this brooch. Things I’d forgotten. I dropped the brooch into my lap and grabbed my head with both 
hands
 as the pain grew stronger.

“But you never saw me again. 
Because your soul was erased off the charts.
 The only reason I remembered you was because of this brooch.
”

“AAAAAAH!” I cried out in agony. With each memory that surfaced the pain in my head 
grew stronger
.

“
So, I came 
to watch
 you. To see what about this soul was so unique.
”

I knew him. Dank. Oh god. I knew him. Tears blurred my vision as I curled up in a ball on the hard ground. No one could see me tucked away between two cars.  I bite my lip to keep from making any
 
more sounds as the memories laced through my mind one sentence at a time. Each touch. Each moment. I’d forgotten it all. A sob escaped me and I fought back the wail growing in my chest. How had I forgotten him? I loved him. He was everything to me. How could I forget him?  I’d sent him away. The sobs grew louder and I gave up trying to keep quiet. Between the shattering of my heart and the explosion in my head I was unable to do little more than wither on the ground and weep.

CHAPTER 22

Dank

              
The room was dark when I arrived. Gee had called me here. All she’d said was, “It’s Pagan.” I’d come immediately but I hadn’t expected it to be Pagan’s
dorm room
 she was calling me to. I scanned the room and found Pagan curled up on the bed asleep. It wasn’t even lunchtime yet. The curtains were closed and the lights were off. Was she sick?

              
“She remembered,” Gee said from the corner of the room where she sat 
watching
 me.

              
“What exactly did she remember?” I asked taking a step toward the bed where Pagan was sleeping.

              
“Everything
,
 
I think. Hell I don’t know. She hasn’t talked
. I don’t know how affected she is yet. If she’s hurt, mentally, I expect you to extinguish me. I can’t live with the guilt.”

              
Panic gripped me and I rushed to the side of the bed and knelt down 
beside  her
. What had Gee done? 
She wasn’t supposed to remember everything until the Deity decided it was time. I had been hoping for some small memory to come back to her but never had I wanted to harm her.

              
“What
…
 Did 
..
. You
…
Do?” I lifted my gaze from Pagan’s still pale body and glared at Gee.

              
“Get mad. Please. I want you to. If she is messed up because I made a stupid ass decision I’m not going to be able to live with it.”

              
Gee’s solemn expression didn’t help. Gee was never serious. I reached up and brushed the hair from her face gently. The natural pink color of her 
cheeks
was gone. “Tell me what you did, 
Gee
,” I begged. 
I couldn’t help her if I didn’t know what had happened. I needed an 
explanation
.

              
“You weren’t fighting. You were just letting her go. Fuck that. I wasn’t going to let you go down so easy. She isn’t happy with the so
-
called soul mate they created for her. She is lost without you. I…
 I
 gave her the brooch.”

              
The brooch. The one I’d kept for her. The one I’d given back to her only last Valentine’s 
day
. She’d remembered the time I’d come to her as a child.
 It had been her grandmother’s. She’d wanted me to keep it and give it back to her in her next life. But she hadn’t died then. The brooch had made me remember the girl’s name. So when Pagan Moore was once again in the books to die I remembered her. I went to see her. I was curious. Then it had become something more. 
So much more.

              
“What happened?” I asked
,
 afraid to take my eyes off her. I wanted to will her awake. Make sure everything was okay. That her mind hadn’t suffered a trauma too much for her body to 
bear
.

              
“I left her with it. Then I got worried and turned around and came back. She was… she was curled up on 
the cement
 with tears running down her face saying, ‘I forgot him. How could I forget him?’ I carried her up here and she hasn’t moved or said anything since. She just sleeps.”

              
I couldn’t deal with Gee right now. I didn’t want her near me. “Go. Just go,” I said without looking at her.

              
“You’ll tell me if she wakes up. I 
need to know
 she’s okay.”

              
“I said to leave, Gee. You’ve done enough. Leave. Us.”
              
She didn’t argue. She was gone.

              
I reached for 
Pagan’s 
hand and held it in mine. It was cold to the touch. I saw her soul. It wasn’t damaged. Her body wasn’t sick. This was all mental. 
I brought her hand to my lips and kissed it softly. I shouldn’t have 
trusted
 Gee. I’d known she was going to do something stupid when she’d demanded I fight last night. I just hadn’t thought she’d do something this detrimental. 
I had been working on a plan. Another on
e— o
ne that might actually work. I had gone about making her fall in love with me again all wrong. I was going to fix that. I was also going to make sure she knew I had never had sex with some other girl. I wanted that cleared up. I didn’t like that tainting us.

              
Pagan’s hand moved in mine and I stilled
.
 
I
 waited to see if it happened again. Was she waking up? Could she wake up? Her hand barely squeezed mine and I watched it desperate
ly hoping 
for more.  After a few minutes
, 
it hadn’t moved again
.
 I lifted my eyes to stare at her face. Her eyelids appeared blue. She was too pale.

              
I needed to do something. I’d gone weeks without holding her. She hadn’t wanted me to. But now, I needed it. I needed Pagan safely in my arms. I couldn’t sit here while she lay curled up in a ball
,
 cold and pale. All I could do was wait and keep her warm.

              
I slipped off my boots and pulled back the cover before sliding in behind her. She immediately rolled toward me and her hands fisted in my shirt. She let out several small sighs then stilled once again.

Pagan

              
I was warm. Very warm and something smelled wonderful. I buried my face into the warmth. The smell grew stronger. I pressed closer to it and ran my hands up to get handfuls to 
bring
 it closer.

              
“Please tell me this means you’re okay,” a deep voice whispered in the darkness. The warmth was talking. I fought hard to open my eyes. They were so heavy.

              
“That’s my girl, open those eyes and look at me,” the voice said again. I knew that voice. Panic laced through me and I reached out and grabbed him. He was leaving me. I’d forgotten. I told him to go. I didn’t know, I didn’t know. I fought to open my eyes and reached frantically for a way to hold him here. When I opened my eyes would he be gone?

              
“
Shhh
, it’s okay. I have you. Easy, baby,” he soothed
 me and his arms were around me,
 pulling me close to him.

              
My eyes finally opened and I stared at the chest I was pressed up against. I inhaled deeply. This was Dank. My Dank. This was my Dank. He was here. Oh thank god he was here. I pushed back until I could look up at him.

              
“
You’re here,” my voice sounded scratchy.

              
“Yeah, I’m here,” he replied. His blue eyes glowed in the darkness. I knew that glow. I also knew they would glow brighter after he took a soul.

              
“Don’t leave,” I begged
,
 tightening my hold on 
the 
tee shirt
 I held in my hands.

              
“I won’t,” he assured me then he look
ed
 me in the eyes. “Do you remember?”

              
Yes. I remembered everything.  The last 
two months replayed in my head. Those two weeks with Dank.  He’d been himself and I’d not remembered anything. He’d tried so hard to reach me.  Wait… the girl… the library.

              
“Explain the girl outside the library,” I said needing to hear an explanation because I knew there had to be one. My Dank would never do that.

              
“There’s this… guy who you won’t remember but he believes I took you from him. So, he set it up to make
 you hate me. He wanted me to l
ose you too. He knew you weren’t yourself and he took advantage of it.”
              
“Leif?”
              
Dank’s
 eyes widened in surprise. “Yeah, Leif
,
 but Pagan… you aren’t supposed to be able to remember him. He doesn’t have a soul.”

              
Because he was a Voodoo spirit.
 “I know that
,
 but I remember him.”

              
Dank brushed the hair back from my face and smiled. “You never did fit the 
mold
.
 This shouldn’t surprise me.
 I’ve missed you so much.”

              
The relief and love in his eyes made me tear up. I’d treated him so badly. “I’m so sorry. I love you, Dank. I love you so much. I don’t know what happened. I can’t believe I forgot you.”

              
Dank lowered his 
mouth
 and pressed a kiss to my forehead, “Don’t apologize. It’s okay. You had nothing to do with this. It is the Deity that did this. They took your memories.”

              
Why? What had I done wrong?

              
“Did I make them mad?”

              
Dank shook his head and tightened his hold on me. I realized my hands were still fisting handfuls of his shirt and I released them and smoothed his shirt out.

              
“When a soul is created
,
 so is its mate. Jay is your soul’s mate. You weren’t created to be my mate. You have to reconnect with Jay and let your soul decide if you can live without him. They took your memories to make the choice fair. I don’t know how you remembered without their help.  But we can’t let them know. You will have to continue the way we were. They want you to choose and now the choice is no longer fair. I don’t want them to take your memories again.”

              
They could take them again? No. No. I didn’t want that. 
“So I do what? Date Jay? I don’t want to date Jay.”

              
Dank flashed a small smile then lowered his mouth to mine, “I don’t want that either but I can’t lose you again. I need you to remember me.”

              
His mouth covered mine and I decided right now that wasn’t the most important thing. This was. I slipped my hands into his hair and pulled him closer. The first taste of his tongue was heavenly. I rolled onto my back and tugged at his hair pulling him on top of me. I wanted to be covered with him. I needed him close. I’d kept him at a distance because my stupid mind had betrayed me. Dank shifted and moved his body until it fit perfectly over mine. His arms rested on each side of my head as he held some of his weight off me. I didn’t want that. I wanted all of him. Opening my legs caused his hips to fall against me.

              
He stopped himself from fully pressing into me. I pulled back from the kiss, “Please, Dank. Don’t hold yourself off me.”

              
He swallowed hard then slowly lowered his hips until his arousal pressed firmly against me. Whimpering a little from the new sensation I rocked against him. His lips were on mine again instantly and his tongue was stroking the inside of my mouth with a frenzied need. I rocked again and let out a small cry of pleasure as the tingling between my legs shot sparks throughout my body.

              
Dank let out a groan
 as
 our tongues tangled with each other and this time it was
 his hips that rocked against mine
. The pressure was more intense. I threw back my head and let out a sound I’d never made befor
e. 
Dank’s
 lips began trailing 
kisses down my exposed neck and stopped at my 
collar bone
. Then the rough skin from his fingertips touched the sensitive skin just under the bottom of my shirt. I began panting
,
 hoping he didn’t stop. His hand crept up further until 
he
 found the 
snap
between my breasts and undid my bra easily. He pu
shed the unwanted barrier away 
before running his fingers over each nipple.