Controlled Surrender (3 page)

I slid a crooked finger beneath her chin and
lifted her head. She immediately looked away. “Look at me.”

She closed her eyes, taking a breath before
opening them and focusing on me. She was trying to be so strong. I
could see the waterfall of emotions in her eyes, yet she did her
best to veil them.

“I chose to keep the best of my pack. I kept
the ones willing to comply with my new rule of unity. There will be
no more segregation. Everyone is to be respected equally,
especially you.” I traced the outer edges of her full cheeks.

Heat colored her creamy skin. “You didn’t
have to do that.” Her voice was barely above a whisper, so full of
pain, so full of worry.

Damn it! She shouldn’t have to worry. She
should just be. I was the alpha. I was supposed to shoulder her
concerns, tend to her needs, and protect her battered spirit.

“Don’t argue with my choices,” I clipped.

She moved away right as her dam broke. Tears
openly streamed down her face. She hugged herself. “They’re going
to hate me, Jayson. They know I’m the reason for this. I’m the only
one they’ve ever treated differently, and rightly so. I am
different. You can’t punish all of them for my issues.”

My wolf clawed at my chest, pouncing with his
back legs as he attacked me; he fought to reach the surface and
claim our mate, to reassure her of our allegiance with a single
bite.

My muscles flexed as I shuddered, fighting
for control. She was trying me. Her distress both maddened me and
decimated me. She shouldn’t feel this way. Had I been the alpha I
ought to have been, she wouldn’t have questioned my moves. She
would have enough self-confidence to demand better treatment.

Her silent strength was undeniable to survive
the ridicule she had her entire life, but her soul was clearly
damaged from their lashes.

“You’re not different; you’re better,” I
stated.

She swiped at the salty water tumbling down
her cheeks profusely. My heart broke as I watched her struggle to
suppress her emotions. I knew this was years worth of tears; I knew
this was years worth of suffering bursting to the surface.

I felt like a worthless piece of shit. Damn
it. I might as well have been the one single-handedly taking swings
at her self-worth. I should have changed this. I should have
protected her. I should have stepped up and leveraged my authority
sooner. I was the reason she was broken. All the while, she blamed
herself for the sins of others.

This was a fucked up situation. I should have
claimed her long ago.

My wolf snapped at me, agreeing with my
latest musing.

I studied Laina. She’d closed her eyes and
fisted her hands; she pinched her eyelids as she bit her inner lip,
obviously trying to regulate her reaction and stunt her tears.

Slowly my own self-deprecation washed away
and was replaced by a fierce determination. What got me into this
mess was me allowing her to prance around freely. What prolonged
her silent suffering was me not claiming her sooner, forcing the
pack, at the least, to give her respect as the alpha’s mate. I’d
come to that realization last night, and nothing had changed this
morning. It was time.

Chapter 7

LAINA

Abruptly, Jayson threw me over his shoulder
and scurried for the stairs.

I pounded on his back, kicking my feet to no
avail. “Put me down! Stop!”

I jumped when he smacked my ass. The sting of
his hand connecting with my sensitive flesh sent tingles of
awareness through me; of warmth and longing rather than fear. My
body’s physical reaction ceased all my fight.

My wolf pranced about, anticipation silencing
four years of crying.

I scowled. She was a traitor. She was so
quick to throw herself at Jayson, tossing her ass into the air.

My pulse fluttered rapidly as he opened the
bedroom door. The alpha was the strongest in many aspects,
including physically; it was why he was the leader. It was why
there was no escaping this.

I dug deep, searching, seeking fear, trying
to find an ounce of concern that indicated I didn’t want this, but
I didn’t find any. The truth was, I wanted Jayson. I craved him. I
wanted to lick every groove, every bulge of his muscles. I wanted
to give in. I wanted to be his, but I couldn’t do that to him.

I heard several locks being slid into place
and finally a metal key being placed atop something. He had me
facing his oversized master bedroom. The furniture matched the
grand size of the space. Dark woods gave it a masculine feel,
especially against the grey walls. A cabernet colored comforter was
the only dot of true color.

He spun around walking towards the bed,
giving me a glimpse of the door. I gasped, my lungs refusing to
expand as I caught sight of the three dead bolts and two keyed
locks on the door; all of which appeared locked and secure. I
really wasn’t getting out of this.

My wolf pranced with delight. I wanted to
smack her senseless.

I jolted as he laid me down on the bed, face
down. He immediately covered me, yanking my hands up over my head.
I jerked on his grip, trying to get away, but failed. I felt the
cold metal slip around my wrists. Knowledge shot through me,
sending a reflex of panic bursting through my chest, making it hard
to breath.

He leaned down next to my ear. “I’m not going
to hurt you. Just relax.” He gently kissed my temple. The gesture
was so sensual; it sent my mind into disarray. He was soft and
hard, rough and careful.

The second he slid off of me, I pushed up on
my knees, trying to gain leverage to budge the restraints. They
didn’t even creaked though.

I studied the handcuffs. Sure enough they
were platinum, one of the few metals wolves lacked the strength to
bend.

I jumped, chafing my skin against the metal
when Jayson pulled my shoes and socks off in quick succession,
before my mind could process what he was doing.

“What are you doing?” I couldn’t withhold my
indignation. He was my alpha, for now, not my handler and certainly
not my husband.

I turned my head trying to see what he was
doing, but he moved quickly. It was as if he’d planned this. He
knew the angles I would be checking and made sure he stayed in the
shadows, just out of my peripheral vision’s span.

Without warning, he yanked my legs straight,
causing me to plop down onto the mattress. I tumbled, struggling to
break his grasp. I froze the second the smooth metal circled my
ankles. My shoulders slumped as I sighed. I was completely
helpless. I had no leverage, no escape. I was at his mercy.

I listened as he linked the cuffs to the bed,
the same as he did with the ones above. He’d taken my height into
account and all. There was a generous chain between the restraints
and the bed.

The reality of the situation was fresh in my
mind. Knowing what I should feel, I waited for the fear to come,
but it didn’t. I waited for rage to engulf my heart, but alas, it
didn’t. The single thing that won out was defeat.

I shrieked when he dragged down my pants,
stopping just below my ass, exposing the widest part of me. My
lungs refused to expand as cool air kissed my skin. I wanted to
yell, I wanted to know what was going on, but my mind blanked. I
could only focus on the fact that I was tied up and being stripped.
Sadly, I was all too aware of the fact that fear was still absent,
and worse, my body warmed.

His hands caressed the back of my hips. I
held my breath as he pressed his lips against each ass cheek,
kissing my flesh. “I love this part of you.”

Shock registered as chills chased down my
spine. I hadn’t heard him right. There was no way he could like my
double-wide sized rear. I opened and closed my mouth several times,
opting to remain silent rather than make a fool of myself.

He moved away and I immediately felt cold,
empty. I never should have let him touch me. That one tiny intimacy
opened the black hole in my chest, exposing my loneliness.

“This is how this is going to work. I’m going
to ask you some questions. I demand nothing but the truth. If you
lie to me, I’m going to spank that pretty ass of yours.”

Why, oh why, did my pussy have to flutter in
response to his harsh tone? This wasn’t how it was supposed to be.
I should have kept my distance.

I struggled to keep the last of my barriers,
the final walls of protection around me. If I gave in, we’d both
lose.

“Why don’t you stick up for yourself?”

I turned my head, but he moved to the foot of
the bed. I sighed. “Does it matter?”

I startled when he smacked
my ass. His hand landed a sharp blow to my sensitive skin, creating
a dull throbbing sensation in my lower half. “I said
I’ll
ask the questions.
Now answer me.”

My pulse rocketed. I turned my face into the
mattress. How could I answer that when didn’t even know? I just
didn’t. It didn’t seem worth it. It would always be them against
me, regardless of what I said. “It’s not worth it,” I mumbled into
the sheets.

He slapped my ass again, the same blunt pain
spreading through my center. “Do you think you’re not worth
it?”

I bit my lip, closing my eyes. I shrugged my
shoulders.

Another harsh blow landed on me.

My wolf stilled at the newest hit. Awareness
prickled her. A wilted growl emerged from within her.

“Answer me, Laina.” His voice was low and
menacing, causing goose bumps to break out on me.

I remained still and silent. I would rather
have been naked in front of a crowd than to truly expose my inner
insecurities, my true self, the weak little girl who just wanted to
be accepted the way she was.

Another severe smack pricked my rear. “I’m
not letting you go until you answer me, Laina.”

I clamped my lips together, bracing myself
for his next move. I’d rather him be left wondering about me than
to truly know me.

I swallowed hard, tears moistening my eyes,
tugging on my heart. The realization stunned me. That was the
answer. I’d rather be covered in a layer of fat than to allow
anyone to get close enough to me. It was my protection. If I didn’t
love myself, how could I expect anyone else to love me? I couldn’t.
Rather than suffer that rejection over and over, I padded myself
with physical walls of fluff that acted as a barrier. I barred
myself from getting close to anyone. It was a security blanket I
wasn’t about to let go of, especially not in the presence of male
flawlessness.

Jayson was gorgeous, everything a woman could
want in a man. He stood just over six feet with spiked light brown
hair that was always styled to messy perfection. His brown eyes
were deep, rich pools of lusciousness. The striations of honey,
chocolate and bark were everything a female were loved. The cuts
and angles of his body were sharp; deep grooves defined every
muscle. His tan complexion reminded me of sun-filled days by the
river; it was sun kissed beauty, just like him.

He struck my ass again. My flesh was already
beginning to numb where he’d made his presence known on me.

When I remained silent for another thirty
seconds, his hand whacked my flesh, which I was certain was red by
now.

I fought back the tears threatening to slip
over the rims of my eyes. I closed my eyes, trying to channel my
place of serenity. I needed Mother Nature’s whispering strength; I
needed her fortitude.

Another slap resounded through the space as
the ache immediately mellowed.

In the back of my mind, I knew if I would
just let go, that I could probably enjoy being tied up by the man
I’d yearned for for four years straight. But I couldn’t let go. I
wasn’t ready to let go. I suppose the greatest awareness I had was
that, if I did let go, he would know the worst of me. He would know
all my dirty thoughts and secrets; he would know exactly how I felt
about myself and him. Who would want me after those truths were
exposed? If I was too scared to admit them even to myself, how
could I expect him not to run when I faced them beneath him?

I lost track of time; I lost count of how
many times he spanked me. I’d always been good at removing myself
from situations mentally. I did it every time I ate, mindlessly
stuffing myself to numb the emotions I could never let go of. I’d
snuck food, more food than my high were metabolism could keep up
with.

When life got hard, when someone made a nasty
comment, when my parents went on about my size, I slipped away to
comfort myself with food. I drowned my sorrow in a new sorrow.

My family didn’t talk about our problems. We
buried them. My parents’ fights were swept beneath the rug; my
father and brother’s anger issues were swept beneath the rug.
Nothing existed unless we spoke it into existence. The one
exception was my weight. They couldn’t hide my problem; they
couldn’t protect their reputations with me around. I was their
largest issue, their biggest problem in every sense of the
statement.

Every pound on me was a pound of fear, a
pound of sorrow, a pound of pain. I couldn’t deal with them, the
same way they couldn’t deal with me. While my parents and brother
snidely made their feelings known, I choked mine with food. Worse,
rather than empower my wolf, I buried her deep inside me, beneath
my emotions, dwindling her the way I had my self worth. And, rather
than run to Mother Nature for help, I swallowed another chip,
another cookie, another morsel of something I shouldn’t have.

It was all my fault.
That was a hard bite to swallow, a hard reality to
face. Had I handled things differently, I could have prevented
this.

As time dragged on, my body began to grow
weary. Confronting what I’d done to myself, to those around me, for
the past twenty-six years was exhausting. My mind could wander, but
the emotional reality of my personal abuse was enough to drain
me.