Authors: Matt Beaumont

e Squared (53 page)

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From:
Janice Crutton

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 27 January 2009, 17.33

Subject: David

I've tried phoning, emailing and texting him, but he's not responding. Have you heard anything?

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: Janice Crutton

Sent: 27 January 2009, 17.35

Subject: Re: David

I haven't heard a thing. According to Flight Tracker, his plane has landed. Maybe he's stuck in immigration. Remember when he flew to Beijing and he had that “disagreement” with customs and they kept him in a cell overnight?? I'm going home now, but I'll keep trying him from there. I'll let you know if I make contact.

bbc.co.uk/news
Chicken, beef or second-
degree burns?

Six passengers were injured when their in-flight meals spontaneously combusted.

Passengers on a BizzyJet flight to Helsinki received the shock of their lives today when they peeled the foil off their in-flight cannelloni and their meals burst into flames. Six passengers are being treated in a Helsinki hospital for burns to their hands and faces.

One passenger described the scene as “an indoor firework display.” He said: “The guy next to me was a decent middle-aged sort, someone in advertising, but he went up like Guy Fawkes and I thought he was a suicide bomber. I was very glad I went for the beef and dumplings.”

BizzyJet spokesman Darren Bates said: “There's been an ongoing issue with our new-recipe lasagne that the decision to switch to cannelloni was aimed at dealing with. Obviously, we have further work to do. We apologize to passengers inconvenienced by our search for the optimum in-flight gastronomic experience. I want to reassure everyone flying with us that the beef-stew-and-dumpling option offers a safe and 100% British menu choice.”

From:
RÃ³isÃn O'Hooligan

To: All Staff

Sent: 27 January 2009, 17.57

Subject: Surprise, surprise!

Anyone not yet in the Romper Room weeping for the loss of poor Harvey might be interested to know that he's hereâjust arrived and looking vaguely travel-weary. Shall I send him downstairs or is it poor form to turn up at your own wake?

RÃ³isÃn

Reception

Wednesday

Mood: sick with love, gratitude and squirming remorse

From:
Sally Wilton

To: All Staff

Sent: 28 January 2009, 09.32

Subject: Interns?

I need all available interns in the Romper Room to de-vomit the ball pit. Rubber gloves and protective masks provided.

From:
Sally Wilton

To: All Staff

Sent: 28 January 2009, 09.43

Subject: Arrivals

Please welcome back Neil Godley, who rejoins us today after selflessly helping to clear up the matter of the office thefts. Neil is joined by his twin brother, Nigel, who will assist him in the efficient running of the company's finances.

To ensure there is no confusion as to their identities, Neil and Nigel have agreed to wear game-show-style name stickers for the period of one month.

From:
Pertti Van Helden

To: Janice Crutton

Sent: 28 January 2009, 09.44

Subject:

Hello again, Janice Crutton! It is wonderful to make the acquaint on the phone yesterday night. I am still in the flabbergast that I am nurse maiden for both of the mans in your life.

You are pleased I tell you your strapping young homosexual Noah is make the exquisite recover from his injury with the head. His memories are full return. In this moment he is with my heterosexual son Veiko making the hard rock jamming in the rehearse room.

David is less good. The pasta dishes explode like the napalm and I am feared he will have permanent disfigurations. But it is the inner persons what is the important, and in his hearts David is the special great guy.

I am try make him suckle weak herring broth through the straw, but he is pined away and lose his appetites. I know he is crying for his loved ones because the bandage on his eyes is wet with moistfulness.

What he is really need in this moment is the lovingness of his good woman! I hope you are able travel to Helsinki. You must to stay and enjoy my welcomeness.

I am now make myself usefuls. I go in his BilBerry and read his e-mails to him. If they are urgent in their essences I will type reply like his secretary.

“Take the letters down, Ms. Van Helden!”

Pertti Van Helden
TheHeroicHerring.com

From:
Ted Berry

To: All Staff

Sent: 28 January 2009, 09.50

Subject:

David is in Finland and Caroline is still expanding her horizons, which means, in short, that I'm in charge. This being the case, unless the matter is exceptionally important, keep the fuck out of my face. I am very fucking busy.