e Squared (57 page)

 

From:
Neil Godley

To: All Staff

Sent: 22 December 2009, 10.59

Subject: Christ is born!

I forgot to mention there will be TRADITIONAL mince pies (baked by me!) on sale. All proceeds to Crisis at Christmas.

 

From:
Nigel Godley

To: All Staff

Sent: 22 December 2009, 11.02

Subject: Come praise Him!

No pastries, cakes or other cheap bribes. But there will be EXCITING and totally AUTHENTIC demonstrations of speaking in tongues!

 

From:
Janice Crutton

To: Beverly Crutton, Sarah Franks, Geraldine Crutton and 17 others ...

Sent: 22 December 2009, 11.03

Subject: The Crutton Chronicles, Volume 9 [continued]

 

Now to news of my two (almost) grown-up children. Noah was thrilled with his A-level results, as were we, though they weren't quite enough to get him into his first choice of Hull. With typical good sense he is taking stock with a gap year. In case you feel you've missed his e-mail bulletins from various Thai internet cafés, that's because he hasn't yet departed! He is still poring over the maps, determined to make his the best-planned tour of South East Asia conceivable. David and I can only admire his diligence.

 

From:
Janice Crutton

To: Noah Crutton

Sent: 22 December 2009, 11.08

Subject: We leave at dawn TOMORROW

 

You'll still be asleep when I go out, but I expect you to have packed some clothes by the time I return (roughly 5.45). Clean or dirty, I'm past caring, but you will need clothes. You can't go the whole Christmas holiday with one Slayer T-shirt and the jeans you've been wearing for the past three months.

 

It's only a small task, and I shouldn't have to nag, but I know how long these things can take you. And yes, I appreciate how exhausted you are—sixteen hours of sleep a day can take it out of a man—but you are running out of time. WE LEAVE AT DAWN.

PS: I've left a bowl of Oatso Simple in the microwave. You just have to press Start. Remember it isn't ready until you hear a “ping.” Remember also to remove Clingfilm before eating.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 22 December 2009, 11.09

Subject: Gift list

 

I've signed off your gift suggestions for Janice. It's ready for you to collect and process.

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: All Staff

Sent: 22 December 2009, 11.11

Subject: Interns

 

Any interns free to do last-minute Christmas shopping for David? Totally adorable shops like Liberty, Mulberry and Smythson of Bond Street, so don't all rush at once!

 

From:
Neil Godley

To: All Staff

Sent: 22 December 2009, 11.12

Subject: Christ is born!

No foreign MUMBO JUMBO! All carols sung in GOD'S ENGLISH!

 

From:
Nigel Godley

To: All Staff

Sent: 22 December 2009, 11.14

Subject: Come praise Him!

All TRUE believers welcome. Promise of genuine MIRACLES. The blind WILL see and the lame WILL walk!!

 

From:
Neil Godley

To: All Staff

Sent: 22 December 2009, 11.17

Subject: Christ is born!

Any BLASPHEMERS, HERETICS and SATANISTS who bear witness at the lunchtime service of so-called worship will NOT be welcome at the evening carol program. You WILL spend ETERNITY in FIERY DAMNATION.

 

From:
Nigel Godley

To: All Staff

Sent: 22 December 2009, 11.19

Subject: Christ is born!

(Sodomite Vicars + Lesbian Priestesses) - Moral Bearings = Church of England

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Sally Wilton

Sent: 22 December 2009, 11.22

Subject: That's it, I've had enough

 

I want the basement chapel shut immediately. Tell the Creative Department they can have their ball pit back. Or you can use it for stationery. Or as an animal-rescue shelter. Or as a dorm to accommodate the dozen interns we seem to have on our books at any one time. I really don't care, so long as the Moral Minority no longer has access. I'll probably go to hell for this, but I suspect I was heading in that direction anyway.

PS: Now I think about it, why do we have a dozen interns on our books at any one time? Are they really necessary? There must be a limit to the amount of menial bollocks a company the size of ours can find for them. Or are they part of some ongoing people-trafficking scam, and should I therefore keep my trap shut?

 

From:
Neil Godley

To: David Crutton

Sent: 22 December 2009, 11.23

Subject: N Godley

Dear Mr. Crutton

 

I find that I can no longer work with Nigel Godley, my so-called colleague. His persistent insults aimed at my sincerely held religious convictions have become unacceptably offensive. Unless you are prepared to “let him go,” I will be obliged to tender my resignation.

 

From:
Nigel Godley

To: David Crutton

Sent: 22 December 2009, 11.23

Subject: N Godley

 

Dear Mr. Crutton

 

The situation with my so-called colleague, Neil Godley, has become untenable. His deliberate and repeated slurs on my deeply held religious beliefs are causing me unbearable stress. Unless you are prepared to “let him go,” I will have no other choice than to offer my resignation.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Sally Wilton

Sent: 22 December 2009, 11.24

Subject: Rethink

 

Scrub my last e-mail. The Godley situation appears to have resolved itself.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Neil Godley

Sent: 22 December 2009, 11.25

Subject: Re: N Godley

 

Dear Mr. Godley,

 

Due to restrictions imposed by various labour statutes, I am unable to dismiss your brother. With great regret, I therefore accept your resignation.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Nigel Godley

Sent: 22 December 2009, 11.26

Subject: Re: N Godley

 

Dear Mr. Godley,

 

Due to restrictions imposed by various labour statutes, I am unable to dismiss your brother. With great regret, I therefore accept your resignation.

 

From:
Janice Crutton

To: Beverly Crutton, Sarah Franks, Geraldine Crutton and 17 others ...

Sent: 22 December 2009, 11.27

Subject: The Crutton Chronicles, Volume 9 [continued]

 

David and I are so proud of Tamara. Unlike so many of her peers, she has reconnected with the true meaning of Christmas. She has given up much of her holiday to work (unpaid!) at a center in Walton-on-Thames for victims of this devastating recession-mostly former employees of Woolworth and Lehman Brothers. As I write, she is retraining one-time pick ‘n' mix assistants and investment bankers as call-center workers. Honestly, if Petra Rosebud grows up to become half the fine young woman her sister is, I will consider my life to have been a complete success!

 

From:
Milton Keane

To: All Staff

Sent: 22 December 2009, 11.33

Subject: I feel like Romford tonite!!!

Att:
dreemzz.pdf

 

Hello old friends and former workmates!! You'll be thrilled to learn that I'm making an exclusive personal appearance tonight at DREEMZZ, “Romford's second most popular nite spot” (see attached flyer for details). I'll be performing “Razzle Dazzle” (as seen on
BB10
) and signing my new book,
Straight from the Heart—My Fabulous Un-gay Life!
Would love all my old friends to be there. But do come early. It's going to be absolutely rammed!!

 

Important note: despite the theme of the evening, I am appearing purely in my capacity as a popular CELEBRITY (245th on
Heat's
Most Wanted) and not because I am in ANY WAY gay.