In Hiding: A Survivors Journal of the Great Outbreak (18 page)

I
could see that it had been shot in the leg and luckily for me that was keeping
it on the ground and crawling. I turned and ran for the back wall of the
garage, searching for anything that I could use to defend myself. I looked up
and down the wall and on the counters. Finally, I saw an old tire iron sitting
on one of the shelves so I grabbed it ran back to the zombie that was still
crawling for me. I smashed the back of its head in with four or five good
blows.

I
remember looking up from that and seeing that the others were still fighting
just outside the door. Most of them were out of bullets and were using their
guns like clubs to fight them off. I charged forward to grab a hold of another
body when I saw Derrick reach up and grab what looked like a short rope hanging
from the ceiling. That was when it sunk in. He had found a way to manually
close the door and he started to pull.

Trevor
moved in front of him to try and protect him as he pulled the door closed.
Cody, Jacob and Paul pushed and pushed the horde back, giving it everything
they had. They were swinging bats and guns widely into the crowd kicking and
pushing as Anne used what bullets she had left to pick off the most dangerous
of the Zeds. Tanya ran beside Derrick and opened fire at a couple of zombies
that were trying to slip through the crowd and into the garage. I ran up to the
where the door was starting to come down and started swinging my tire iron at
anything that moved.

What
happened next, well I can’t give all the details because I really didn’t see
how the situation took shape. My attention was clearly on getting that door
closed and the monsters that were in front of me. That was until I heard Anne
shout that she needed help. I turned around to see that a tall, thin,
decomposed man in pajamas had a hold of Tanya. She was trying to keep her
balance and hold her forearm in his neck at the same time. She was keeping his
mouth at a safe distance but he had his arms wrapped firmly around her body.

Anne
was the closest and she got there relatively fast. She tried hitting the Zed in
the head with the stock of her rifle but she wasn’t hitting him hard enough. He
wouldn’t let go. She dropped the rifle and started pulling him by the arm,
trying to get Tanya free, but it wasn’t going well. Adam and I were the next
closest but there were bodies everywhere on the floor and the ground was
slippery from all the bloods and guts. It slowed us both down as we tried to
get over there and help.

As
Adam stepped over one of the bodies I saw it reach up for his leg and grab him
by his ankle. It tripped him up. I was close enough to help so I stepped over a
body and started to hit the Zed that had a hold of Adam in the back of the head
with the tire iron until it let go. I helped Adam off the ground and looked up
to see Tanya and Anne still fighting, still trying to get free.

I
looked around to see that the others were getting closer to shutting that door,
but they were still fighting hard to keep the zombies out. I tried to get to
Tanya, but as I moved my way through the obstacle course of bodies on the floor
I tripped and fell. I looked back to make sure that nothing had grabbed me or
that nothing was moving around me. I pushed myself back up onto my knees just
in time to see Anne loose her grip and fall back against the wall. Once she let
go, the Zed and Tanya were propelled forward and they both fell over one of the
bodies on the ground. They landed right next to the oil pit and were wrestling when
I saw the hands and arms that were reaching out grab a hold of both of them and
pull them in.

I
tried to run over and grab her but I was too late. I screamed for someone to
help, but I had already lost sight of her. With so many of them in such a confined
space they were on her fast, so fast in fact that I don’t remember even hearing
her scream. Trevor arrived and swung his axe at the head of any zombie that he
could reach. He smashed one of their heads between his axe and the sidewall of
the pit. He swung again and again until he realized that there was little he
could do to help. I just stayed there on my knees looking around for answers. I
saw Derrick had closed the door and was sitting on the ground leaning against
it trying to catch his breath.

The
others just stood around the pit looking down knowing that there was nothing
more that we could do to help. Truth is she was gone the second she fell into
that oil pit. There were at least a dozen of them still moving around in there
not counting the bodies that were on the bottom. We couldn’t see what happened
to her or where her body was but I just hoped that she didn’t suffer. I hope
that she hit her head or died quickly and wasn’t subjected to the agony and
pain of being eaten alive at the bottom of that pit. Tanya was an incredibly
sweet person. She was a person who didn’t deserve something like that to happen
to her.

What
happened right after that is kind of a blur. The others entered the garage and
Anne informed them of what had happened. Cody wanted to go and get more ammo to
finish off those Zeds that were still inside the pits but Paul stopped him. We
needed to conserve ammo then more then ever. Unfortunately that meant that we
needed to take care of them by hand. We would draw their attention and once
they reached up, Trevor would drive the axe into their head. One by one we
eliminated those that were still alive down there except for those that were
still down laying on the bottom. We would just burry those Zeds underneath the
rest of the dead that littered the floor of the garage.

It
felt like it took us hours to drag all of the corpses off of the floor and into
the pits. We stacked the bodies high that afternoon and it was disgusting work.
Funny thing is that don’t remember feeling sick like some of the others did. I
guess what I was doing wasn’t registering with me. I was in a haze the entire
time and I don’t think that I was the only one. Once the last body was in there
I remember hearing Paul say something that caught me off guard and then he
struck Derrick in the back of the head with the stock of his gun.

Paul
was furious. What Derrick had done had cost Tanya her life and put all of us at
risk. I think if he had any bullets left he would have shot him right then and
there. Thankfully he didn’t but I could at least understand why he wanted too.
The blow had left Derrick dazed and confused, so much so that Jacob and I had
to help him out of the garage. Once we got him out there the arguments started.
Emotions were running high and people were angry. Paul and Trevor would have
killed him if they had gotten their way. But some of the others were able to
talk some sense into them. Instead we settled on tying him up to a computer
chair with some rope from the camping department.

The
aftermath of that disastrous afternoon was a short funeral service for Tanya
and a whole lot of questions. Paul wanted to know why Ray was missing in action
as everything happened, Trevor wanted to know why we hadn’t killed Derrick yet,
and some of the others just wanted to know what to do next. Ray explained that
he and Sandy had been busy holding back Shannon, Amy and Kerri from running
into the garage and that was probably a good decision on his part. I still have
a hard time understanding how I made it out of there alive and looking back we
were lucky to have only lost one of us.

But
all of that was in hindsight, and everyone had questions about what had
happened and what to do about it. I think we all knew what Derrick had done was
wrong and even though it had resulted in Tanya’s death we couldn’t kill him. As
he regained consciousness and everything started to sink in he cried and tried
to apologize. But it was too late for that. Despite his regret and remorse we
still had to restrain him. He didn’t fight it. He understood why we were doing
it and actually agreed to it. We promised that it would only be for a while or
at least until we believed that it was safe to let him go.

Trevor
was still pushing for us to get rid of him. He wanted him gone. But Jacob and
Amy fought hard for him, he had saved them several times while they were out
there and I guess that was their turn to repay the favor. I was pissed off
about what had happened, but I knew Derrick had lost it and wasn’t a terrible
human being and as it turns out the majority of the others felt the same way I
had.

We
tied him up in the entertainment department because there was usually always
someone there who could watch him. In the rare occasion that Ray wasn’t there,
people always gathered around the televisions to watch the news so it was the
perfect place to keep him. Ray sat down next to him and I could see that he had
clearly been shaken by either what had happened or the accusations that had
been cast in his direction. But he volunteered to watch Derrick for a while and
with that I left for the roof.

I
grabbed the hunting rifle once I got up there and through the scope I found Hal
once again. He was still trying to work his way through the wooden boards with
everything he had. That was around the time Kerri came up there and surprised
me. She was just looking for someone to talk too I guess. We both sat back and
looked up at the stars and discussed what we thought was going to happen next.
Kerri had her heart set on leaving, she wanted to be somewhere else and I
couldn’t fault her for that. All I wanted was to go to sleep and wake up
somewhere else away from this outbreak and everything it brought with it.

But
I knew that what had happened in that garage was only a small sample of what we
would see out there. I told her about how dangerous it would be to try for the
coast and that we were at least safe where we were. But it didn’t matter what
either one of us wanted because the one thing that we could agree on was that
the worst was yet to come. Little did I know that we would be right?

Growing
up I had always dreamed of being a hero. It started out when I was just a child
and fantasized about being a superhero and saving the world from costumed
villains and giant monsters. As I got older the dream changed from flying and
fighting evil to scoring game winning goals and touchdowns, hitting home runs
and winning championships for my favorite teams. I wanted to be a sports hero,
a superstar. But later in life those dreams fell by the wayside and I grew
older only to realize that I lacked either the ability or that my efforts
needed to go towards more obtainable goals like college and a career. That’s
what happens in life you grow old enough to realize that dreams are just that.

None
of that mattered anymore. Some would say that the outbreak offered ample
opportunity for new heroes to emerge. There were plenty of chances for people
to step outside their comfort zone and do something spectacular. But I am not a
hero. I was old enough to realize that. Tanya was a hero. Bruce was a hero.
They put themselves in harms way trying to save others and although I always
liked to believe that I could do something like that I knew that like so many
dreams of my youth, that one would go unrealized as well. Surviving was the
only dream I had anymore and as the days went on it became apparent that to
fulfill that dream I might have to do a few things that would never be
considered heroic.

It
was on the tenth day that we finally lost power. Sometime in the middle of the
afternoon the lights went out and for a few seconds everything went dark. Lucky
for us the emergency back ups turned on almost immediately and they would
provide us with enough light to get bye. But we knew that they wouldn’t stay on
forever and that eventually those lights would go out as well. But at least we
had already come up with a plan for just such an occasion.

We
had already gathered all of the flashlights and the lanterns days before. We
met downstairs in the back room where he had put them all along with every
battery we could find. From there we split up and went and placed the lanterns
in pre-determined areas of the store where they would be the most effective. At
that point we didn’t turn them on. For that we would wait until the back up
generator died on us.

Funny
story. I remember Derrick offering to help. He would have had better luck
asking Paul for a gun at that time. People were still upset and I think that he
knew that. I think he just wanted to do something to try and redeem himself in
our eyes. We only untied Derrick a few times and that was when we needed to
take him to the bathroom. He never tried to escape or resisted when we tied him
back up. He was trying to earn our trust again and he was willing to wait.

The
emergency lighting kept the store well lit for the most part but without power
we had lost the televisions. More importantly we had lost the news. We wouldn’t
be able to follow any instructions from the government or keep tabs on the
rescue mission that was taking place along the coast. We were in the dark until
Sandy reminded us that once upon a time people used to get their news from a
the radio. We had plenty of clock radios that worked on batteries and so with
that he had found a solution to at least one of our problems.

Once
the lanterns were in place I spent the rest of the afternoon on the roof
enjoying some natural light and fresh air. Well as fresh as the air could be. I
found Hal again and it was easy because he never went too far. The boards that
had blocked the door were almost completely smashed and huge pieces of what
used to be a barricade were on the ground. I could see through the rifle’s
scope that most of his fingers were either broken or dislocated and his
forearms were covered in large gashes and wounds. But that wasn’t surprising
considering he had been pounding on solid wood for the better part of a week.
But the one thing that I did find surprising was that Hal wasn’t alone anymore.

Another
Zed had joined him. Only one, and the two of them were pounding on what was
left of the wooden slabs that were still in place. That zombie looked like he
had been younger then Hal and was wearing an incredibly dirty hockey jersey.
From the moment I saw him I didn’t like him. Okay now that sounds really
strange I know because I hated all of the Zeds. Well all but one. Thing is I
actually started to wonder if Hal was happy to have the help or if he even
wanted that thing there with him. He had made a lot of progress by himself. He
had put a lot of work into doing whatever it was that he was doing and why
should that latecomer share in the spoils. That was if there were any spoils to
be had I told myself.

I
continued to watch them for some time, my warped imagination debating whether
or not Hal wanted the help or not. Eventually, with the Zed in the hockey
jersey lined up in the rifle’s scope I pulled the trigger. My first shot struck
him in the shoulder and the impact propelled him forward into the storefront
where he stayed for a second or two before trying to regain his footing. I
lined him up again and that second shot was bang on. Hal didn’t even flinch as
the zombie in the hockey jersey fell to the ground beside him. Somehow in my
twisted mind, I knew that was what Hal would have wanted.

I
find it amazing that I can remember all that. But apparently it’s very hard to
forget. Those were difficult times and as strange as it might seem now, it was
incredibly important to me then. But even though I would like to forget some of
it, I remember it all too clearly.

Even
though Hal hadn’t paid much attention to the two gunshots that I had fired, it
had caught the attention of everyone else in the building. I couldn’t blame
them after what had just happened the day before. So it wasn’t a total shock to
see them come charging up through the hatch of the roof with weapons in hand. I
fully expected a lecture as well as plenty of questions and boy did they come.
Anne shouted about wasting bullets and acting like a fool. She couldn’t
understand how I could do something so reckless after what Derrick had done and
she went on and on. I let her finish. I never fought back knowing that it would
only make things worse.

Instead
once she was finished saying what she needed to say I lied. I told everyone
that they had no reason to worry and that I was just still having a hard time
dealing with what happened to Tanya and was just blowing off a little steam. I
knew that it wouldn’t get me completely off the hook, but I knew it would get a
better response then if I told them the real reason I had fired that gun. If I
had told them that I probably would have been tied up in a chair next to
Derrick.

So
after that I had to go into damage control. That meant that I needed to go back
downstairs and spend some quality time with the group and try and prove to them
that they didn’t need to worry about me. So I joined the others around the
clock radio and I listened for a while. The radio broadcast was very similar to
the woman I had seen on TV that one night. It was more instructional then it
was news and it basically had nothing new to offer us.

What
I had done had worried the others and for me that meant that I was going to
have to play it safe for at least a little while. It also meant that it would
be a lot harder to go and check on Hal whenever I felt like it. It also meant
that I was basically forced into spending most of that day with the others as I
tried to win them over again.

I
won’t waste time writing about the meaningless conversations that we shared or
how we disposed of the meat in the freezers that was sure to rot without power.
The entire afternoon was uneventful and the worst part of all of it was when
people would come up and ask me how I was doing. Now how in the hell was I
suppose to answer that question after everything we had been through.

Telling people that I was fine
didn’t seem like a suitable answer given what was going on around us. Maybe I
should have told them I thought we were doomed and that I found it really
depressing. Maybe I should have told them how I was struggling with the fact
that my entire family was most likely dead and that chances were that I would
never see anyone I cared about again. I should have told them that I thought
they were idiots for wanted to leave the store and race out into incredible
danger for a slim chance at safety, safety that we already had. But instead I
told them that I was fine.

That afternoon I realized why I
kept trying to escape to the roof and avoid long periods of time with the
others. I was irritable and tired from not sleeping, drinking too much and well
the whole zombie apocalypse thing. When some of the others started talking
about their families I would start to feel my blood boiling and I remember just
wanting to shout in their face that they were gone. You have to understand that
I was trying to come to terms with the loss of the world I had known and
hearing others talk about it like it would all just go back to the way it was didn’t
help matters.

Thing was that I was usually a
pretty relaxed individual and I realized that if I was feeling the way I was
that at least a few of the others must have been getting close to their
breaking point as well. Derrick had reached his and I had seen what happened
there. I knew that I needed to keep my eye on some of the others for signs that
they were about to snap. Funniest part about that was as I was busy coming to
that conclusion it just happened to be when most of the others were busy watching
me.

At some point in the late
afternoon the argument about whether we should leave or stay broke out again
and instead of taking part I chose to go back up to the roof again. To avoid
suspicions I asked if Kerri and Cody wanted to join me and of course they
decided to come. I could always rely on them and they seemed to have their
heads on straight so I always kind of felt like I could trust them no matter
what happened.

But I needed to get away from that
debate and I think they felt the same way. I understood that people wanted to
get away from all of this. But I was terrified of leaving and the outside world
held horrifying possibilities. It seemed like we wouldn’t stand a chance out
there and that death was almost a certainty if walked out those doors. We were
safe at the store and I never understood why people couldn’t see that. But the
debate was all but pointless anyway. They weren’t getting any closer to a
decision and nobody ever really had a real plan that the majority could agree
on.

So while they fought downstairs
the three of us hung out on the roof. We shared a few drinks and tried to avoid
talking about anything too serious. I pointed out the abandoned military
vehicles I had seen out there but I don’t think they found it as interesting as
I had. Cody showed Kerri and I a few of the buildings that he believed to be
occupied and that he had been watching for several days. He had been writing
down little things that he had seen and was convinced they were signs that
people were still alive in those buildings. He compared his notes with things
he had seen in previous days and looked for any changes.

It made me feel better about
myself knowing I wasn’t the only one who was using their time on watch for
something that was a little strange. Then again, watching buildings for a few
days and beginning to think that they were occupied is far less concerning then
watching a zombie and beginning to believe that he was somehow smarter then all
the rest. However, the small details that Cody had recorded didn’t exactly
build his case that other survivors were hiding out in there. Instead it looked
like he was creating something out of nothing and being hopeful instead of
realistic.

Seeing a bed sheet hanging on a
balcony for two days then when it disappears on the third day doesn’t mean
someone brought it back inside. The obvious answer was that it simply flew
away. But I never told him that. I just agreed with him and tried to act
impressed. I never brought up Hal, not once and when Kerri laughed at Cody and
his theories I knew keeping the whole Hal thing hidden was the right thing to
do.

Cody laughed it all off and we
continued to keep our conversations light that evening. I think that deep down
that the three of us knew what was coming. We could see that our group was
coming to a crossroads. The longer we stayed in the building the greater the
chance of something terrible happening and if we left in a desperate attempt to
get to the coast chances were that something terrible was going to happen. The question
was which coarse of action was the least dangerous.

So for the rest of that night the
three of us didn’t talk about what we should do or how we should do it. We
didn’t talk about what we had lost and how it had happened. We drank and we
laughed until Shannon came up to take her turn on watch. That was when I
noticed that it was pretty late and decided to go to bed. Kerri went downstairs
first and Cody decided to stay up on the roof with Shannon so she didn’t have
to be alone. I stumbled to the break room to try and sleep and face the
nightmares for another night.