Just Breathe Again (7 page)

 “Are you feeling better, Mrs. Franklin?” he asked, pulling up the stool next to her.

 “Better, no I’m not. What are you saying Doctor? She has a …brain tumor?” asked Jeannie, trying to whisper so Lydia wouldn’t hear them.

  “From what I saw on her CT scans and talking with Dr. Waterhouse the neurosurgeon on staff, we are seeing what looks like something on her brain. We want to send her to Children’s for an MRI and take a biopsy to make sure. We don’t know if it’s cancerous yet.” 

  “Can this mass be taken out if it’s a tumor?” she asked.

  “I’m not sure. Her condition will be determined more with an MRI and biopsy. We are going to call down to Children’s and get a room ready for her and you can stay with her tonight, once we get this worked out,” he said, trying to look hopeful.

  “She’s sixteen. How could this have happened? She was at the doctor last year for headaches and it wasn’t brought up anymore. They said she had migraines, brought on by stress of her father dying,” Jeannie fought back tears, trying to explain this to the doctor.

  “That may have been the case last year. I don’t know how long Lydia had this or the extent of the problem. Everything is up in the air until they do further testing. I want her admitted to Children’s and they can get a better understanding when they have a specialist in tomorrow. I know it’s a lot of news in one night. Don’t start worrying. We have the best doctors around to treat your daughter and because she’s so young, most of the time it’s benign. I’m going to have Lydia transported by an ambulance. You can follow over in your car. Do you know how to get to the hospital?” asked Dr. Thompson. Jeannie nodded, yes.

 Most of the time benign. She didn’t like what he said. Most of the time was not all the time. Jeannie looked down at her hands still shaking and she couldn’t make them stop. She reached in her bag and found an Ativan. Jeannie hadn’t had one since after Vince died. She kept them in her purse just in case. This was, “just in case” time.

  Everything moved in a dreamlike state for Jeannie. She called Marsha and told her. She hated to impose, but she needed help, and Marsha would help with no questions asked. She told Steven to go home because Marsha was coming to get Michael. Steven asked to come to the hospital. Jeannie told him to wait till the next day, when they knew more. Jeannie drove herself to Children’s, though she didn’t remember the drive. Her head was going in different directions. She needed Vince. There would be more tests and more news to follow and she didn’t know how she could get through the hell without him. 

   Jeannie slept on a chair next to Lydia’s bed that night at Children’s Hospital. Her restless sleep was spent on a vinyl blue chair that reclined into a sleeping contraption. Lydia woke up a couple of times and asked where she was. Jeannie rubbed her back and told her everything would be okay and to go back to sleep. She woke up again around eleven, this time more alert and in pain.

  “Hey sweetie. We had you moved to the Children’s hospital so they can run tests on you in the morning. You rode in an ambulance, and slept the whole time. Michael is going to be jealous. They wanted you to have a doctor specializing in children’s issues. They are going to do tests tomorrow. Are you hungry, or thirsty?”

  “A little thirsty. Can I have a Coke?” asked Lydia, in a whisper.

  Jeannie stood up and pushed the call button. “Let’s ring the nurse and ask if you can have one, okay?”

  A tall, blonde nurse walked in with a smile. With her hair pulled straight back in a ponytail, pink lipstick, and a tan, she didn’t look like the typical nurse, her name said Carol and she was the friendliest person they had met. 

  “Can I do something for you?” She asked, still smiling. 

  “Lydia, would like a Coke. Can I get her one?” asked Jeannie, starring down at her innocent looking child.

  Carol looked at her watch. 

  “We can manage. Let me get the Coke for her. She has to get it down before midnight. After midnight, no drinks or food are allowed. Lydia are you hungry, honey? I could get you Jell-O, applesauce, or maybe a Popsicle.”

  “No, I’m good. Coke and well, maybe some graham crackers, if you have them,” said Lydia.

  “I’ll be right back. Jeannie, do you want an extra blanket? Lydia, if you are cold I can get you a warm blanket to put on you.”

  “I’m fine, Carol. Just get one for Lydia,” said Jeannie, sipping her cold coffee.

  “How about fresh coffee for Mom?” asked Carol.

  “You read my mind,” said Jeannie. She wondered how such a beautiful girl stayed so upbeat when there was so much sadness around her.

  “You okay, sweetie?” Jeannie asked her daughter.

  “I don’t know. My head stopped hurting, but I’m dizzy and in a fog. I hate being in here, Mom. This is why I didn’t want to come. All of this is going to be so expensive,” said Lydia, looking at her mom.

   “Don’t worry. We will be out of here and home again. We have to get you better and find out what’s happening. Tomorrow we will know more. I want you to stop worrying about how much this costs. I don’t care if it’s a million dollars.”

  “Where’s Michael, and what about work for you?” she asked.  

  “Steven stayed with Michael till eight, and Marsha and John took him home with them. He loves hanging out with John. I called my two jobs, and I’m not worried. Steven asked to come here tonight. I told him to wait till tomorrow. He sounded exhausted from watching Michael,” she said.

  “I love Steven,” said Lydia.

  “I know, and he loves you. He is a wonderful friend. Too bad he didn’t like girls, he would make a great husband,” said Jeannie.

  “Mom, you’re gross,” she said.

  The nurse came back in with the Coke, coffee, and graham crackers. Lydia was too weak to put her straw in, or open the can so Jeannie opened it for her. 

 “Thank you, Carol. You might as well hook an IV’s up to me filled with coffee. I’m obsessed,” said Jeannie. 

  “You and I both. It’s my one obsession,” she smiled and winked. 

  “I have a couple. Coffee is my worst.”

  Lydia managed a few sips of Coke and a couple bites of crackers. They turned on the television and tried to watch something.  Jeannie just stared at the screen uninterested in anything. Lydia finally fell asleep again after another dose of pain medicine. Jeannie sat in the plastic blue chair next to her bed. Even though the chair reclined, she couldn’t sleep. She watched something on television that didn’t make sense, and she nodded off throughout the night. Her sleep was muddled with dreams of Vince. He was sitting with her on a park bench, they danced at a bar, ate ice cream on a beach. She would sleep for a while and jump awake.

Chapter 5

T
he next morning rushed in hard on Jeannie and even worse for Lydia. The nurses did a shift change, and Jeannie had to say goodbye to Carol. She would be back if they were still there in the evening. Her sweetness made their nightmare a little easier and Jeannie hated to see her go. Marsha strolled in around seven. Jeannie breathed a sigh of relief to see her when she walked in. She also had a bag with a clean pair of jeans, and a shirt for Jeannie. No questions asked. She was just there once again for her friend.

  “Marsha, I’m so sorry for ignoring you so much. My life has been hell. Thank you for coming.”

  “Stop it. I don’t want to hear you say you’re sorry again. I’m here now, and I won’t leave you.” Jeannie couldn’t believe what she heard. The tension in her body eased ever so slightly.

 Marsha caught Jeannie in a hard hug. “How are you holding up, sister?” She wore a pair of flared jeans, a flowing peasant top, and a floppy hat, with her usual round glasses. She had a ring on every finger and her arms full of bracelets, clanging when she moved.

 “I’m fine. It’s Lydia that’s not. It was Vince that was not fine. I’m always fine. Why can’t this be me, Marsha? I don’t understand.” Jeannie started crying.

 “Hey, listen to me. There are reasons for everything. It’s going to be okay. You have to be strong for Lydia and Michael. You were all they had when Vince died and you need to be there again more than ever. Do you want me to call Victoria?”

  Jeannie wiped her eyes, already swollen from the tears she cried staring at her sick daughter all night. It had been an emotional evening, watching her baby lying helpless, waiting to hear if she would ever get married, or be a mom, or live to see college.

  Remembering the last time she called her when they were losing the house, Jeannie decided against it.    

  “No, I’ll call her later.” What’s the use? She nearly begged her mom to help her so she didn’t have to take Lydia and Michael out of their home. Victoria’s answer was “I don’t have money. My money is tied up in stocks and bonds.”

  “Let’s step out for a minute and get coffee. You could use a bite to eat. Come on, she’s sleeping,” said Marsha, grabbing Jeannie’s hand.

  “I’m not hungry, Marsha. I could use coffee. I have to call and check on Michael first.”

 “Michael is fine. He’s with John, and they are fishing in the old pond. You stop worrying and call him later. Come on, I will tell the nurse you are stepping out to the cafeteria.”

  Jeannie bent down and kissed Lydia on her head. She was cool and sound to sleep. She looked so thin under the blanket and her arms were bruised from the blood they took the night before and the IV they inserted. 

  Longing to get in the bed with her daughter and take her place, Jeannie cried and held onto the bed rails. “My poor baby.” She let the tears drip down her face, grabbing on to her daughters bed. How was she going to get through this? She and Michael were her life since Vince died. How could there be a God when this was happening?

  Marsha grabbed her by the shoulders and led her out the room. She already let the nurses know they were going to be in the cafeteria, in case they took Lydia anywhere. The nurses told her it would be awhile yet before they started any tests, and gave her a beeper in case the doctor came in early.

  The cafeteria buzzed with the doctors and staff eating breakfast before starting their rounds. Jeannie heard what was going on around her, but the sound was like walking in a dream.    

  Marsha rushed into line, not waiting for Jeannie to argue with her. “Go sit down and I’ll go get us something to eat. You’ll eat what I get you, too.”

  Marsha came back with a chicken salad sandwich, which she remembered was Jeannie’s favorite, a cherry Danish, and four cups of coffee.

  “We have to hurry so I don’t miss the doctor,” said Jeannie. She became too nervous to sit anywhere not in eye distance to her daughter. 

  “Settle down, Sally. You have time. Plus, they gave me this call light. When the doctor gets there, they’ll call us on this thing. Now, eat and relax,” said Marsha.

  For the next hour they didn’t talk much, just sat there and watched people. Today, Jeannie was in a daze and not noticing anyone. Her thoughts were filled with Lydia. The one thing Jeannie did notice, was there were sick children everywhere with their parents. She saw little girls with no hair being wheeled around in wheelchairs, and children so sickly they had death on their faces. She couldn’t bear to picture her Lydia without her beautiful brown, long hair. Jeannie loved her long, dark hair and enjoyed brushing the silky strands for her. She shook her head ridding herself of the images of her daughter being that ill.  

   “Why is this taking so long, Marsha?” Jeannie asked. They had been gone for almost two hours when Jeannie noticed again.

  “I don’t know. You know that’s all you do in these places is wait. It’s okay. Plus, you said they were doing a needle biopsy. That takes a while, Jeannie. ” Marsha reassured her and reached across the table to grab her hand.

  Jeannie choked down half of her sandwich, drank her one coffee, and drank her second cup of coffee. That morning they explained to her how they would do the biopsy. It was a minor procedure they said but still, they had to put a needle in her daughters head. Worrying about that had her anxious to anxious to sit still. They finished up and went for a walk around the hospital. Later they sat outside and Jeannie paced the sidewalk. They headed back to the cafeteria for another cup of coffee when the buzzer rattled in Marsha’s pocket. After almost five hours of the waiting, the doctor was there to talk to her.

  The long walk back to Lydia’s room was as if Jeannie was walking to her death. The anxiety of what she may face hit her hard. The heat of panic crept up on Jeannie as she started walking down the long hallway. The doctor was waiting outside Lydia’s room and asked them to come to his office. The excruciating walk to the doctor’s office was terrifying to Jeannie. She felt her heart beating in her ears and the panic of wanting to run to avoid any bad news entered her mind.

  He pointed to a chair in front of his desk. “Sit down, Jeannie.”     

  “Do you want me to wait outside, honey?” Marsha asked reluctant to stay with Jeannie.

  “No, please stay with me,” said Jeannie, as her voice quivered with fear. There was not another chair in the office so Marsha stood behind her, and put her hand on her shoulder. Jeannie reached up and patted her, to say she was going to be okay, though they both knew otherwise. Behind the doctor was a computer lit up with an image of a brain. Jeannie saw the name and the picture on his screen was Lydia’s brain.

  “Mrs. Franklin, this isn’t easy to tell you. Believe me, the last thing I wanted to do was face you with this news. We did the MRI and a
stereotactic needle biopsy
we discussed earlier. Lydia has a glioblastoma multiforme. This is an aggressive form of cancer.” Jeannie swallowed and squeezed Marsha’s hand tighter.

  Jeannie didn’t understand the severity of her daughter’s condition. “How soon can we get the tumor out?” The doctor hesitated and looked down at Lydia’s chart.

  “Unfortunately, we can’t take it out. I don’t know what I can say for this to be easier for you. If you remember, it’s the same tumor Edward Kennedy had. We cannot operate on her. What we can do is start chemotherapy and radiation. It will buy her a little more time.” As he talked, Jeannie was becoming incoherent. Buy her a little more time. Jeannie began crying and shaking. It was like one of those dreams that you wanted to wake up from, but couldn’t.