Love, Always (6 page)

Just a few months on tour and is the band already experiencing some love lost? I make a mental note to ask and hope I don’t forget.

Adam sits down next to me, and his mom and I subconsciously put my hand on his lap. Covering his hand with mine, he gives me a quick squeeze. “Big boobed sex kittens don’t mean a damn to me,” he says and I laugh. Big boobed sex kittens should mean a lot more than a damn to a single man who, from what I know of, hasn’t had sex in a damn while.

Knowing Adam will throw away all the unhealthy, fattening deliciousness after the party, I fill my stomach with the additive and preservative ridden food until the skin around my stomach tightens and I feel sick. Mission accomplished, I sigh as I rub my belly. I manage to fill my stomach even further with chocolate cake and savor the mousse inside as I lick my fork clean. I settle back on the couch after hugging his mom goodbye. Everyone else follows suit and starts to leave, and I don’t even mind when they bypass me, only saying goodbye to Adam. Sadly, my parents don’t take the hint and sit next to me on my couch. I try to smile at them, but there’s really no point. They’ll wind up making me angry in

5

4

“You look dreadful,” my mom tells me.

“Thanks, mom. I’m told I look just like you.”

3

“Don’t you sass me,” she accuses me, and I roll my eyes at her.

“Yeah, whatever.”

“Treat your mother with some respect. It was her idea to buy you this condo.”

“Yeah, thanks for this,” I tell them. “I hope it didn’t interrupt your vacations.”

“It was nothing,” my mom tells me, clearly pleased with herself.

2

“I’m glad you could finally come down here.” My body tenses because I know I’m egging her on, but can’t stop myself. I don’t hate my parents, but I don’t like them either. They hurt me and because I don’t know how to let anything go, I want to hurt them back. “I’m glad it only took five months after my baby’s father died for you to pay me a visit.”

My mom’s eyes widen momentarily before she narrows them at me.

And
1
. Blast off…

“Don’t you think this pity party has gone on long enough?”

“Nah,” I shake my head. “I was thinking about milking it for a few more years.”

“You think you’re honoring Josh’s memory with your hysterics?” She tsks at me. “I’m sure he’s pleased to know you still manage to cry for him when you’re not sleeping with his best friend.”

I stand up shaking. “You,” I shout, “know nothing!”

Adam pushes people out the door while my mom runs her fingers over my cushions. “Did Josh enjoy your silly tantrums? I can’t imagine any man would, but he was still just a child as you’re proving to be. Maybe a nanny would be better for my grandbaby.” She looks up at my father who is glaring at me, and I don’t understand why my parents hate me.

“Don’t you dare,” my voice is barely a whisper. “You don’t get to talk about Josh. And you sure as hell don’t get to make decisions about my baby.”

“You live under my roof, dear. I pay for all your expenses. I do get to speak, and you will mind your manners.” My mom is on her feet, grabbing my arms so roughly I want to cry out in pain.

“No!” I yell at her, shaking my arms free. “You never liked Josh! He wasn’t up to your asinine standards, so you don’t get to speak about him. This apartment,” I wave my arms, “I’ll burn it to the ground before I ever speak to you again.”

I turn away from her, but am thrown backwards when the palm of my dad’s hand meets my cheek. I put my hand to my cheek, ignoring the tears streaming down my face as I prepare to fight a fight I have no energy for. Before I have time to say another word, Adam crashes into my father’s body and they fall to the ground. I step back in horror as they roll on the ground, both of them landing punches in the other’s face. This can’t be happening!

I look for help, but his idiot bandmate, Ricky is laughing at them as they tear each other apart. I hear my mom call the police, and I’m too tired to do anything else, so I lie down on the floor, and with my knees pressed to my chest, I cry.

I try not to remember the countless times my parents left me to fend for myself while they traveled the world in the pursuit of their perceived happiness. All the while chastising me for being less than perfect. For receiving B’s instead of A’s until I no longer cared and dropped out of school. For screaming at them when what I really needed to do was cry. For hurting myself to relieve some of the pain their neglect caused me.

I try not to think about the horrible things they called Josh and their constant disapproval of both of us. How they accused him of selling drugs because no one with his lack of education could amount to anything any other way. How they told me he was only with me for their money, because seriously, why would anyone want me?

I try not to think about Josh and everything he’s left behind.

I try not to think at all.

“Ma’am, are you hurt?” a voice says from behind me.

I open my eyes to the chaos around me and once again wish I had died with Josh. I don’t know how long I’ve been lying on my side, but the condo is swarming with EMTs and the police.

“Miss?” I look up at the young man’s face. He’s about my age, but his eyes eager to help, tell me that my experiences in life make me far older than him. I pity his ignorance; he has no idea how cruel life can be.

“I’m fine,” I tell him.

“We should take you to the hospital just to make sure.” His smile is genuine and I’m touched by his concern.

I want to reassure him I’m fine, but from the corner of my eye I see Adam in handcuffs and I rush to his side.

“What’s going on?” I demand.

“Not now.” Adam shakes his head at me. His right eyebrow and lip are bleeding, and I hate myself for my weaknesses and inability to protect those I care about.

“Please,” I ask the police officer holding Adam upright. “Please, why is he handcuffed?”

The man looks at me as if I’m stupid. Maybe I am.

“Stop,” I cry when he ushers Adam around me. “He didn’t do anything.”

“He didn’t do anything?” my father spits at me, and I turn around to see him in much worse condition than Adam. “Look at this place.”

“You did this!” I shout at him. “He did this.” I grab the officer by his arm. “My father hit me,” I tell him, touching the cheek he had slapped. “My boyfriend,” the word sticks in my throat so I clear it. “My boyfriend reacted to his pregnant girlfriend being attacked by her father. Please don’t take him to jail.” My eyes swim with tears, and I wonder if they’ll ever dry up. A drought would be a nice change of pace.

The officers speak amongst themselves as I look at Adam, my sweet, sturdy Adam, who doesn’t deserve any of this.

“Do you want to press charges?” one of them asks me.

“No,” I reply. “I just want to get out of here.”

The police eventually leave, escorting my parents as they go. Once the condo is empty of everyone but Adam and me, I crawl into bed and take Adam with me.  He puts his arms around me and I burrow my face into his chest.

“I don’t know where to go,” I tell him between sobs.

“Go?” he asks as he smooths my hair back. “Why would you leave?”

“I don’t want to live here anymore. It’s my parent’s place,” I confess. “And I don’t wanna owe them anything.”

“It’s yours, sweetie.” I shake my head at him; he doesn’t understand. “It’s yours. Shhh, listen. I bought it from your parents months ago.”

I look up at him, not understanding. “You - what?”

He kisses the top of my head and pulls me closer to him. “It’s yours, sweetie. You don’t have to worry.”

For the first time in months, sleep finds me, and I drift off while Adam sings softly by my side and brushes my hair back with his fingers.

I wake up the next morning with Adam still by my side and am appalled by what I see. As usual, Adam’s needs went unattended and the cuts and bruises on his face are even more pronounced by the blood that was never wiped clean. I move away from him and try to slip out of bed without waking him, but because I’m an enormous whale that fails at subtleties, my attempts are quickly noticed.

“You okay, Dee?” he asks.

“Yeah,” I nod. “Stay here.”

I ignore my bladder as I waddle my way to the kitchen so that I can fill a bowl with warm water and find a dish rag. Maternal instincts are foreign to me, and I’m uncomfortable at the idea of cleaning Adam’s cuts, but I ignore that as well. I want to give because I take so much.

“What’s this?” he asks when I set the bowl on the nightstand beside him.

“Shut it,” I respond, and he smartly closes his mouth and hides his smile behind a fake cough. “Scoot.”

I playfully shove him until I have enough room to sit on the side of the bed. I feel clumsy as I clean his face with the dish towel. I try to be careful and not apply too much pressure to the cuts. He never winces or complains, but keeps his eyes focused on my face. Well, eye, because his left eye is swollen shut. I sigh as I trace my finger around his eye.

“I don’t think ice will do much for you now.”

“Don’t need it.” He smiles. “I’m all better now.”

I shake my head and laugh at him. “A dork is what you are.”

“Yeah, well, this dork needs a shower.”

“A shower? If I had known that, I wouldn’t have cleaned your face,” I tease.

“Which is why I stayed quiet,” he laughs.

He hops in my shower so I go to his, and from the walls I can hear him singing. I love Adam’s voice. It’s soothing yet has always sent my heart in a whirlwind of pitter-patters. Having him back home means the condo will be full of music, and for a short time the darkness in my heart will be fought off by the light Adam holds in him.

After drying off, I put my hair in a bun on the top of my head and slip into a beach dress I hardly fit into anymore. I grab a bowl of grapes from the refrigerator and go to the couch to find Adam lying across it.

“You gonna feed me grapes too?”

I snort. “Not in this lifetime.”

Adam lifts his head so I can sit on the couch with him and then places his head on my lap. I run my fingers through his hair and listen to him hum a song he must be working on. The baby kicks in response and Adam laughs when he feels it.

“She knows your voice,” I tell him, and he looks at me with his eyebrows raised. “She always kicks when you sing.”

“I didn’t know that.” He flashes me a smile before he kisses my belly and starts to sing with his mouth hovering directly over my stomach. My breath catches while my heart pounds in my chest at his unconditional love for a child he has decided to take on as his own.

My baby will never know the voice or love of her real daddy, but she has Adam.

“She knows she’s yours,” I whisper to him as I stroke his hair.

I will never hear Josh’s voice or feel his love again, but I’m his.