Love UnExpected (Love's Improbable Possibility) (7 page)

The more he stripped me physically and demanded my body to submit to his needs the more I was made aware of my inner blemishes. These things developed a debilitating panic inside of me, causing me to fear that he’d one day soon be awakened to my darkest secrets and most threatening deficiencies. I didn’t want to expose the imperfections in me, didn’t want to acquaint him with my scars. And at every turn of his discovery
, I fought with desperation of self-preservation.

As I waited for valet to bring my car around my phone rang snapping me out of my trance, it was Michelle.

“What are you doing, girl?”

“Just getting out of
Serenity
. What’s up with you?”

“Oh, nothing at all. I just e-mailed you our itinerary for next week. Our flight leaves out of LAX at
eleven twenty, babe. Okay?” she informed.

“No problem, Shelly. I’ll be there with bells. Are you guys sure I can’t at least pay for my flight?” I sighed. I mean, it was generous enough that we were going to The Bahamas and staying at the Atlantis resort.

“No, Rayna. Don’t worry about anything but having a good time. We are all excited about going to the Caribbean, girl!” Michelle was filled to the brim with glee. Secretly I was happy about vacationing as well, even if it was with her friends.

“What plans does Azmir have for you?” she asked.

“He’s been so apologetic about being out of town the entire week of my birthday. We’re going to dinner next week. I guess that will be our time of celebration.”

“Oh? Where?”

“Not sure.”

“You know, Rayna, I can’t believe you didn’t tell your boyfriend about your birthday. That’s off this planet!”

Michelle was annoyed. As much as she tried to conceal her disappointment, she couldn’t resist feeling the need to bring it up again.

“He’s not my boyfriend, first off. And for the hundredth time it’s just never come up, Shelly! I’m not use
d to having anyone in my life special enough to share small details like that with,” I defended.

“That detail isn’t small when
you
spend his birthday with him, dance for him and his friends and hit him with the coochie to top it off! I keep telling you to let loose with this one. It’s okay to be vulnerable and…” she stumbled.

“And what?” I asked with
snappy attitude.

“…and in love. There. I said it!”

“Damn, now you hit me with the L word. It’s only been—” she interrupted me.

“…
five months since your first date,” Michelle interjected.

Five months wasn’t long in my book. But Michelle was right, I needed to rethink this relationship. The time had flown by so quickly that what was five months felt like
five weeks. Azmir and I spent endless nights together when he wasn’t traveling. We were in a great place, we talked freely with a comfortable flow of exchange and our sex was mind-blowing. I wanted him to enjoy me, whatever good I presented. And I sure as hell didn’t want to disrupt that with talks of falling in love. I didn’t want to scare him off.

“Yeah…whatever. My point is love takes time and more time for me to get in it. We’re taking things slow
,” I continued with my pushback.

“Okay, but remember life can be a lonely journey without someone to love. And I won’t be around much longer to be the only person to take the journey with you!”

“Shelly, why in the hell do you always have to talk that bereavement shit? Please!” I screamed exasperated. She always got me with that. I hated to even think about life without Michelle, let alone her dying. With that, I ended the conversation as I drove off. I had crazy errands to run to get ready for my date with Azmir.

At dinner that following week and the night before I was due to leave for the Bahamas, Azmir and I enjoyed a wonderful meal at Crustaceans. I love
d their crab puffs and garlic noodles. The wine was superb, the conversation flowed well and the ambiance was ever so present. The restaurant is known for its French-Colonial décor, floor-level pond and aquarium that leads from the cocktail area into the main dining area.

Azmir let hair grow on his face just the way I liked
—
no,
actually loved! Tonight his goatee is ferine, I loved seeing his dark facial hair against his smooth chocolate skin.
Damn!
This man knew what he was doing. He donned a simple black
YSL
T-shirt with black denim jeans and his black classic Jordan’s.
Delectable
. But our conversation took a left turn for deep this particular evening.

“
You’re so intense. It intimidates me,” I blurted out.

His eyes flew up to meet mine, widened in wonder. I could even see his spine
level and his head straightened. I can’t say from where the nerve derived, but it spilled out. My heartbeat tripled after the words flowed from my mouth. But it was my truth, something I’d been suppressing for months now.  He was always reserved and perched with an eagle eye. I wanted to know what he was thinking at times, though I could never muster the balls to ask.

“I never endeavor to intimidate you.
” There was a slight pause. “I mean, I know I have the tendency, but it isn’t a tactic I employ with you,” Azmir muttered.

My mouth dried and my eyes danced around the room to avoid his searing gaze. I wanted to say so much but was afraid to fully express myself.

“So you are aware that you do it to others?”

“Yes. I’ve been made aware in senior staff development trainings. It’s where my subordinates can be totally honest about my governing in hopes of strengthening our team. In all honesty
, I was aware of my aggressiveness prior to the trainings, it’s a mechanism that was needed in my management days way before I entered the corporate arena. But here with you, it’s not something I want. It would be counterintuitive.”

To what?
There was an uncomfortable pause. One that he knew he had to fill. And he did.

“Look
, Brimm. I may not be the easiest to gauge but I’m certainly not aiming to be an anomaly with you. If you feel uneasy or question something where we’re concerned I need you to address it.” His eyebrows knitted as he gathered his thoughts. “Relationships aren’t my thing. I’m no good at them. People may be surprised considering my last one, but that one functioned with so many complexities that when it ended it came with no regrets on my part.”

His head went down to his plate playing with his food. I could tell he was mentally constrained, something that I was all too familiar with. It surprised the hell out of me that I felt the sudden urge to throw him a bone. Who in the hell was I to give him a hand with expressing his feelings when I sure as hell didn’t have a grip on mine
? But I wanted to assist.

“Azmir, you’ve confided in me how you’ve been unable to open up to women completely because the one woman you truly loved and trusted abandoned you. Now, I know you’ve said that, logically, you get how your mom is different from women you date but we both know that she’s representative of all women for you. The way that you perceive her will fashion how you receive women. Many people are faced with that same problem…men and women alike
,” I said confidently.

“Does that apply to your view on men?” Azmir asked with such sincerity in his eyes.

You have to appreciate that he was a “cool” guy who wasn’t led by emotion but instead business and logic. We’d yet to cross the bridge of emotionally-themed conversations, but this inevitable and dreadful exchange was going to get even deeper. I had been caught extremely off guard, my therapist cap had been knocked clear off my head and I guess it showed because as he took a sip of his brandy he chuckled.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean…in all the time I’ve known you—you have never uttered a word about your father other than he left your family when you were coming up. I can’t help but to wonder what affects his actions has had on you because even if there’s no more to the story, him leaving is enough. I can tell you are extremely guarded and self-sufficient as hell. All is derivative, which means that determination and hard-assness comes from somewhere…some place,” he analyzed.

I
stilled with an empty expression for a minute before saying, “Wow. I don’t know what to say. I know that I can be stubborn as hell but I thought I had gotten better…
with you
.” I noticed my voice trembling down at “
with you
”. That could only mean he was right.

“I’m just saying…” he spoke as he shifted positions in his seat, “…it should be obvious that our relationship has
budded into something meaningful. But I’ve been a little hesitant—
hell
—shook to even touch on the subject. I don’t want you to feel that I’m trying to box you into something you haven't signed up for so I’ve been letting shit breathe,” he said before a pause. “I guess what I’m saying is help a brother out, Brimm,” he continued.

“What do you mean? I haven’t given you any reason to believe that I’m not in this thing with you
, have I?”

“No. Not that you aren’t here but...that you’re holding back.
”

“Azmir, this is coming from a man who dates other
women…” I attempted.

His eyebrows rose and his body
went rigid. He looked me square in the eyes, “Hold up. I am unequivocally not dating anyone else—”

I interrupted, “Please don’t sit here and tell me you don’t have other affairs, Azmir.
Please
don’t insult me,” I said soft, yet sternly as my voice trembled and I rounded my neck to try to stretch out the sudden knots that had formed. It was one thing for him to qualify the various relationships he has with other women, but it’s something completely different to deny them all together.

“Allow me to finish, Rayna.” His hands were raised defensively. “I said, I’m not dating any woman but you. I may have residual relationships
, but they are all meaningless and pale in comparison to what…” he hesitated.

“…to what, Azmir? I mean…I would like to know where you’re going with this
,” I demanded in the softest tone appropriate for our surroundings. My emotions were curling up, self-preservation mode was threatening.
Please no!

Suddenly his
head cocked to the side and his tongue pushed against his molars. “You’re not sleeping with anybody else, are you?” His tone was laced with pure speculation.

I was shocked. This man had to be sleeping with at least one other chick but was trying to lock me down? The truth of the matter was I wouldn’t dare have slept with anyone else. Not only was the sex superb
, but I was mentally locked on this man. I wasn’t so confident he felt the same way. Hell—he practically just admitted to sleeping with other women.

“No, Azmir, absolutely not. Why would you go there?”

He paused for a brief moment before sighing, “A man just needs to know that he’s not sharing his woman.”

“So, now I’m your woman?”

He never responded, didn’t even lift his head from his plate as he cut into his food.

This conversation was getting way too deep for me. Plus,
I had to relieve my bladder so I excused myself and headed for the restroom. As I stood, Azmir rose from the table to see me off. I loved when he did that, very chivalric. When I headed off, I made sure I sashayed my ass in my new mini Betsey Johnson dress and sexy pumps, inside snickering at his insecurities about me being with other men.

While freshening up in the ladies’ room
, I made sure my make-up was still tight. I was really feeling myself and couldn’t wait to get Azmir’s fine ass in my bed—or where ever he’d have me.

As I walked back to my table and spotted Azmir, I noticed a huge ribbon at my place at the table. The closer I got the better a view I got. It was
a small brown gift box on top of a pink envelope both tied together with pink and brown ribbons. It was cute. The minute Azmir noticed I was back at the table his eyes were glued to me. He had been giving me that intense gaze all evening. Either he was horny as hell or Azmir was catching feelings for me.

I took my seat.

“May I…?” I asked, referring to the gifts awaiting my return.

“Please…”

He was in his usually imperturbable posture with his typical piercing gaze.

First, I opened the envelope, which was a greeting card. Among its contents it read, “
In a complicated world where nothing seems to come together, one thing is simple and those are my feelings for you. I’m happy you’re in my crazy world
.”

I looked up at him and I saw deep into his eyes. There was fire behind his
dark orbs. They said so much. My heart warmed and all those dry feelings that had developed earlier withered instantly. Nothing could escape my mouth. Even if he wasn’t exactly saying he was in love with me, he was definitely saying he was damn near there. I could tell he was a little uncomfortable with my gaping.

“You’re not done.” He pointed to the gift box.