Rachel's Folly (5 page)

He finally spoke.

“I don’t know what to say. What were you thinking, Rachel? Who initiated it? Was that the only time? Wait—” He pushed his palm out into the air. “No, no, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know.” He brought his hands together and up to his face, like he was praying. He fell silent as he looked down at his shoes. He brought his hand to his eyes and began to rub them.

“Of course it was the only time. And does it really matter who came on to whom?” Rachel reasoned. “It just happened.” She stepped away from the window, inching slightly closer to Ben.

He looked directly at her. “How could you? To Edward? To Elena?”

“I don’t know,” she said, her face falling. She searched his eyes for an ounce of empathy, for a solution. “What do I do?” She wanted him to hold her. She needed him to hold her. To reach out his arms, and tell her that she wasn’t alone.

Ben stood from the bed and walked towards her. She thought he was going to hug her but he stopped about two feet in front of her. His eyes darted directly into hers. “I’ll tell you what you’re going to do.” He glared at her and wagged his index finger in her face. “You’re going to keep this to yourself. You’re going to bury this so deep down inside of you, you’ll make yourself wonder if it ever really happened at all.”

Rachel lowered her head, letting out a brief sob. “I don’t think I can do that.”

“Do you want to lose Edward?” he asked. “And Jacob. Think about your son, Rachel. This isn’t about you anymore.” He turned away from her and started to pace around the small bedroom. “Jesus, how could you be so stupid? You’re not fifteen years old anymore. There are serious consequences here. You, of all people, should know that!”

A tear rolled down Rachel’s face as she watched her brother unravel, just like she did every time she remembered that night. She never should have dragged Ben into her grief. She wanted to run. She wanted to sprint out of Elena’s old house. She wanted to run to another neighborhood, to another country, to another continent. It was too much.

Ben’s pacing froze. He looked at Rachel, determined. “This was
your
mistake, and now it’s
your
cross to bear. Tell no one and move on. It never happened.” He turned towards the door. “Your family is waiting for you downstairs.”

He shut the door forcefully behind him, shaking the picture frame on the wall nearby. The sound startled her. For the first time in her life, Ben actually reminded her of their mother; his iron tone, the way he stared her down like a dog who just soiled the carpet. It was all too reminiscent. Rachel hadn’t known how Ben was going to react, but she certainly never thought it would be like that. Still, he was right. This
was
her cross to bear, to bury. She sighed deeply. She walked over to the vanity mirror, looked at herself and wiped her face with a tissue from Jeanette’s makeup case. She retouched her lip gloss and headed downstairs.

* * *

It was a beautiful ceremony. There were about thirty guests. Rachel and Jack waited with the minister at the altar. Elena came down the aisle escorted by her father. They were both grinning from ear to ear. Dr. Wilkinson had tears in his eyes as he pulled the veil over his daughter’s head, kissing her cheek. Everyone was smiling. Even the servants gazed at Elena and Dr. Wilkinson with affection. Rachel held her head down for most of the minister’s sermon, as if in prayer. And she was secretly praying. After the exchange of the rings, she turned back and looked at Edward sitting in the first row with Jacob in his lap and Ben sitting next to him. Edward smiled and shot her a quick, flirtatious wink. She smiled back at him warmly. She heard the minister say, “If anyone knows any reason why these two should not enter into holy matrimony, speak now.”

She turned her attention back to the altar, closed her eyes, and with a deep breath thought to herself,
I will forever hold my peace
.

* * *

Early the next morning as Rachel lay in bed, she felt Edward nuzzle against her. With his body pressed against hers, he kissed her shoulder and moved his hand over her breast. Rachel tensed. She quickly clutched his hand and moved it to her mouth, where she kissed it. She paused. “I’m sorry, sweetie. You know I’ve got to take Ben to the airport.” She heard him sigh deeply. He let go of her, pressing his back heavily into the mattress.

“Maybe tonight, okay?”

“Sure,” he said.

Rachel didn’t have to look at Edward to know he was hurt. She touched his arm, but he shot up and left the bedroom.

Damn it.
She hated telling Edward no, especially now, when it mattered even more.

An hour later, she was in the car with Ben and Jacob. Though Ben had only been in Austin four days, the initial trip to pick him up from the airport seemed as far away as a childhood memory. The weather then had been sunny and bright; it was now cool and overcast, the air both inside and outside so thick. Neither of them spoke to one another the entire twenty-minute drive. Luckily Jacob was there to interrupt their silence.

“I don’t want you to go, Uncle Ben,” he called out from his car seat in the back.

“I know, but I’ll call you when I get there, okay?” Ben said, as he looked at the passing cars on the highway.

“But I don’t want you to!” Jacob yelled.

“I promise I’ll be back soon.”

Rachel parked the car in front of Ben’s terminal. He got out of the SUV and opened the back door to unfasten Jacob and let Homer out. He pulled his suitcases and animal crate onto the loading area. Rachel turned on her hazard lights and got out of the car to join them. The airport was busy. Jacob watched the airplanes flying overhead with untamed joy, ignoring everything else, even Ben hustling to gather his things.

Right before Ben put Homer in his crate, he took out a small prescription medicine bottle from his coat pocket and removed a single white pill. He bit off all but a tiny bit and gave the small piece to Homer, then hard-swallowed the rest himself. Rachel watched him intently. “What?” he said. “It calms our nerves when we fly.”

“Can I have one?” Rachel asked.

Ben shot her an inquisitive look.

“I can’t sleep,” she said.

He was quiet for a moment. “Here,” he said, handing her the bottle. “Keep it, but don’t do anything stupid…
again
.” He laughed, obviously joking, but in a tight, controlled way.

“Thanks.” She took the bottle and put it in her pocket.

“Look, Rachel, I’m still upset, but I’ll get over it. Now
you
have to get over it. Put on your big-girl pants, and pull yourself out of this funk, for Jacob’s sake, for your sake, for ours.”

Rachel grabbed her brother and hugged him tightly. She pushed the side of her face into his chest, resisting the urge to cry. Ben held her and glanced down at Jacob, who was busy petting Homer. He whispered in Rachel’s ear. “We’ll make it, Rach. We always have.”

Rachel’s eyes welled with tears and she tried with all her might not to lose it in front of Jacob.

“Are you sad because Uncle Ben is leaving, Mommy?” Jacob asked, looking at her with worried eyes. She smiled at him reassuringly and let go of Ben.

“Yes. But he’ll be back soon, right, Uncle Ben? Maybe for Thanksgiving?” She wiped the tears from her face with the back of her sleeve. “I’m sure Agnes will make her signature stuffed turkey.”

“I don’t know about that. I might be going on a Caribbean cruise around the holiday break, but if I can’t come back for Thanksgiving, I’ll definitely be here for Christmas.”

Ben opened the animal crate and Homer instantly jumped in. When Ben closed the gate, Jacob bent down and stuck his fingers through the wires so Homer could lick him.

“Okay, buddy, come give me a hug.” Ben picked Jacob up and gave him a long embrace. “Be a good boy. I love you.” He kissed his forehead.

“I love you, too. Bye, Homer,” Jacob said, looking at the crate.

Ben handed Jacob over to Rachel, and hugged both of them. “Everything is going to be fine.” He pulled his carry-on over his shoulder, picked up the crate and turned to leave. Rachel stood there holding Jacob as she watched Ben walk away into the airport. Once inside, he turned back to look at them. He smiled warmly and waved goodbye; then he was gone.

RACHEL HAD
NOT SCHEDULED
any appointments on Monday, but she decided to drop off Jacob at pre-school anyway. She drove to Austin High School and parked at her usual place under the Highway 1 Bridge, adjacent to the Lady Bird Lake Hike and Bike Trail. She needed to run. She was an avid runner and had been since college. It was her therapy, the only time she could clear her mind or think through a problem. Even if it was raining or bitter cold or in the dead heat of summer, she never regretted hitting the trail. She always felt better afterward. She ran nearly five miles a day, but on this particular outing, she barreled through nine. She ran past the Stevie Ray Vaughn statue in front of Auditorium Shores and over the South First Street Bridge. Instead of heading back as she normally did, she turned east on the trail. She ran under the Congress Bridge, which housed the world’s largest bat colony, toward the Four Seasons Hotel and the I-35 Highway, and kept going until she reached the colorful graffiti-painted walls on Robert Martinez Jr. Street on the east side of town. She ran faster and harder than usual, taking hills at top speed. She paid little attention to the lake, the picturesque scenery, or the other runners she passed by. She ran until it was impossible to go farther. By the time she returned to her car, her legs were fatigued and starting to cramp. Her hair, which she had up in a ponytail, was damp and clung to the back of her neck. She was exhausted, but still—she did feel better. She was glad Elena and Jack had left for their honeymoon to Europe. She was thankful they were gone. It gave her some time to keep her mind occupied by other things and not dwell on what she had done.

When she got back to her house she was still wet with sweat. She walked into the kitchen, slipped off her shoes and began peeling off her clothes. As she took off her shirt, she realized she had been wearing it inside out. The inner seams and tags had been sticking out the whole time.
Get it together, Rachel
.

She stood at the sink in only her sports bra and underwear and gulped down a glass of water. It was while she was drinking the water that she glanced down at the counter and saw Elena’s key chain lying by the breadbox. Elena had given Rachel extra keys to her condominium and mailbox, and asked if Rachel could water her house plants and check the mail while she and Jack were away. “Not today,” Rachel said out loud and then went to take a shower.

* * *

After lunch, she decided to stop by her office to check her messages and schedule for the coming week. Rachel’s family therapy practice was located in a rented office just west of downtown Austin. It was on a small street with mature trees and charming homes, many of which had been converted into businesses. Her tiny office was in an old home painted pale blue with white trim. It had been renovated into four separate offices with a common reception area, which used to be the living room of the house. As she drove into the parking lot, she was surprised to see Sara Dishner’s washed-out-maroon Honda Civic recklessly parked in one of the front spaces.

Sara was a teenager whose parents had recently gone through a nasty divorce. Rachel started seeing her because she had dropped out of school and was staying out late. Her father suspected that she was drinking and experimenting with drugs. Rachel’s initial assessment was that Sara suffered from abandonment brought on by her mother leaving for long stretches of time when Sara was very young. Her mother was an alcoholic and suffered from severe depression. According to Sara’s father, she would leave without warning. During her mother’s absence, her father would have to take care of Sara and neither of them knew when or if her mother would return. Her father was the only one Sara could count on and although he was there physically, he wasn’t the most loving parent. Rachel figured Sara’s behavior was a result of her father’s decision to leave her mother for another woman.

When Rachel walked into the reception area, she saw Sara sitting on the small couch playing with her smart phone. She had long, sun-streaked brown hair. Her eyes looked especially sad, covered in their usual thick, black mascara. She wore worn jeans with a hole over her right knee, a gray shirt with a vest jacket, and sneakers. She was a pretty girl who, like most teenagers, was trying to grow up way too fast.

“Hey, did we have an appointment today?” Rachel asked, closing the door behind her. “I thought it was on Thursday.”

“No, I was just hoping I’d catch you. Are you busy? Should I come back some other time?” She put her phone into the pocket of her white puffer vest.

“No, no, it’s fine.” Rachel said, pausing. “But I don’t have a lot of time. I was just going to check my messages and then head to the grocery store. How long have you been waiting?”

Sara shrugged. “An hour or so, I guess.”

Rachel thought for a moment, looking around the overly organized office. “Would you like to go to the store with me? You can follow me in your car and leave when you need to. We can talk while I shop, like two friends. I won’t charge you a dime.”

Sara smiled and nodded her head.

Rachel rarely made offers to meet clients off-site, much less at no charge, but Sara was an exception. Most of Rachel’s clients were depressed adults. Sara was the only adolescent she was currently seeing and Rachel genuinely enjoyed their time together. She had felt an immediate connection with Sara when they first met a few weeks ago. Rachel knew it was a critical time for Sara and worried that if she didn’t get back on track soon, she could make mistakes that would be hard to undo.

* * *

Once they arrived at the grocery store, Rachel grabbed a shopping cart and threw her reusable shopping bags and purse in the child’s seat. She noticed Sara drive hastily into the parking lot with her car windows halfway down and her rock music blaring. Once inside, Sara joined Rachel in the produce aisle. Rachel stopped in front of the organic apples. “So, what’s on your mind?”

“Well, I guess I didn’t know where else to go. I haven’t seen James in over a week. He won’t return my calls. I feel like shit.” Sara paused. “Uh, I mean, I’m really confused. My dad doesn’t have time for me anymore and I can’t talk to my mom.”

“Did y’all get in a fight?”

“No, that’s the thing. Everything was great. That’s why I’m not sure how to feel. He goes out of town a lot for work, but he usually calls me back.” Sara twirled a long lock of her hair as she walked alongside Rachel’s shopping cart, not bothering to acknowledge the flirtatious grin from the young guy restocking the canned tomatoes.

Rachel stopped pushing the cart and looked at her. “Sara, I know you really like this boy. Right now, I’m sure he probably means the world to you, and with your father leaving, I can understand why you’re so attached to him. But trust me when I say this, ten years from now, you’ll hardly remember his name. But not finishing high school, not going on to college, these are decisions that will make a
huge
difference in your future. Think about what you want to do with your life. Where do you want to be in ten years?”

“It’s not like that. I have real feelings for him,” Sara said defensively.

“I have no doubt that you do, but answer my question. Where do you want to be ten years from now? What do you like to do?”

“I don’t know.” Sara shrugged. “I like animals. I work with animals now.” She grabbed a handful of cheese cubes from a free sample tray next to a cheese display. They walked down another aisle as Rachel searched for Edward’s favorite gluten-free cereal.

“As a part-time veterinarian’s office assistant? You really enjoy cleaning animal cages and taking inventory of medical supplies?”

“I like taking care of the animals,” she said, popping the cheese cubes in her mouth one by one. Sara ignored the disapproving look from a woman in a black tailored pant suit who walked past them, carrying a designer purse in one hand and a shopping basket in the other.

“Yes, Sara, that’s great, but why not strive to be a veterinarian? You are completely capable. You just need to get back into school and focus.”

Sara grimaced in disgust. “I’d rather stick needles in my eyes.”

“You only have two years left. It will go by before you know it. Or maybe we can see if you can transfer to a new school. You could get a fresh start. Would you like that?”

“I’d like to be with James. I only wish he would call me back. I need to know if everything’s alright.” Sara pulled her phone from her pocket and inspected it.

Rachel was willing to bet good money Sara would probably fall in and out of love with at least two other boys before the year was over. She resisted the urge to roll her eyes.

“When are you going to tell your parents about your new boyfriend?” Rachel grabbed the box of cereal she was looking for and placed it in the cart. Sara twisted her face in disgust when she saw it.

“Flax seeds? That can’t taste good.”

“It’s good for you,” Rachel said. “So, when are you going to tell them?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know why I need to. I already know they’ll hate him, and I don’t really care what they think, so what’s the point?” She stuck her phone back in her pocket and continued to walk beside Rachel.

“Why do you think they would hate him?”

“He’s older than me, already out of high school. He’s way smarter than they are. He loves me, that’s all I care about, ya know?” She started twirling her hair again.

Rachel stopped pushing the shopping cart and looked directly at her. “You honestly think your parents don’t love you? Why do you think they want you to see me?”

Sara smirked. “Dude, my dad just feels guilty, and I embarrass him. If he gets me a shrink, his friends won’t think he doesn’t care about his poor, messed-up little girl. It’s all about appearances with him.” She abruptly moved to the side to avoid bumping into a man inspecting a peanut butter jar. “It’s nothing but smoke and—what’s that phrase?”

“Mirrors.”

“Right. Nothing but smoke and mirrors. James says that a lot.”

“Well,” Rachel said, softening. “I know for a fact they worry about you. You had everything going for you. You were making good grades, on the honor roll. You’re such a bright girl, Sara. But, then you suddenly drop out of school, run away, don’t tell them where you’re going or what you’re doing. Can you imagine how that feels? Don’t you think it’s the exact same torment that you feel when James doesn’t respond to your calls?”

“I didn’t drop out of school,” Sara interrupted. “I was
kicked
out for pouring jalapeño juice, Icy Hot and peppermint oil down a guy’s dumb Abercrombie pants.”

Rachel looked up from the jar of mustard she was holding. “Why would you do that?”

Sara’s face hardened. “Why do you think? The prick was harassing me, pulling me by my hair and forcing my head down to his crotch to make it look like I was giving him a blowjob. It was a show he liked to put on for his stupid friends.”

“Is that why you got mixed up with the police?” Rachel asked.

“No, that was after. I was pissed that I got in trouble and Will—the prick—walked away without a single damn worry. They couldn’t have cared less about what he did to me. They only cared about their precious little all-star football player.” She put her index finger into her mouth, gagging for emphasis.

“What did you do?”

Sara smiled. “I took a hammer to the shiny truck his daddy bought him.”

“I don’t understand why you didn’t just go tell a teacher. You could have avoided all of that,” Rachel said.

“Uh, really? That probably would have only made things worse. Besides, have you ever felt humiliated? I mean
really
humiliated? Have you ever felt … like, pure rage?”

“Yes, of course I have, but I also have self-control. That’s the difference between humans and animals.” She realized the irony of her comment, and quickly put back the over-priced Kombucha tea, clinking it clumsily against the other glass bottles.

“Whoa, easy there, Tiger,” Sara laughed.

Rachel brushed it off. “I’m sure he would have been reprimanded.”

“I didn’t
want
him to be reprimanded. I wanted him to suffer.”

“I don’t know. You’re the one that got kicked out of school. He’s probably going to graduate and go on to college next year. Sounds to me, you’re the one who got the short end of the stick.”

“Whatever,” Sara murmured as she nibbled on one of her chipped, navy blue fingernails.

“I’m serious. I think you’re so mad at your father for leaving, you’re acting out. Your little stunt in school that got you suspended and your infatuation for this older boy who you know your parents would never approve of, these are obvious attempts to get your father’s attention.”

“Well, if that’s true, it’s not working. I guess I should just go ahead and get my tongue pierced and see if that does the trick.”

Rachel gave Sara a hard look to see if she was being serious. Sara looked back through the long strands of hair over her eyes and gave Rachel a sly smile.

“Jo-king,” she sang. “James talked me out of that one.”

“Well, it’s good to know he has a little common sense,” Rachel said.

“By the way, I might be going to live with my grandma for a while and I’m not sure how long I can keep coming to see you.” She pulled her phone back out of her pocket.

Rachel was instantly concerned. “Your father told me you’d be seeing me for at least a year. It’s only been a few weeks. What happened?”

“Mom can’t take me anymore. She says I just come home to eat and sleep. She thinks I spend the whole day at a crack house or something. She wants me to stay with my grandma to see if a change in environment will help. I think she just doesn’t want to deal with me anymore.”

“Will you still work?”

“Uh,
yeah
. That’s the only way I can afford to keep my car. Anyway, she said my dad will only pay for our sessions until the end of the summer.”

“Well, I guess I have until August to get you back on track then.”

Just then, Sara looked down at her phone. “Oh my God! Oh my God!” Then her thumbs quickly got to work texting a message. Her body bounced lightly as she read the screen.