Rachel's Folly (8 page)

And then, for the first time since that fateful night in May, Jack looked directly at Rachel and searched for her eyes. When their eyes met, he held her gaze and clenched his jaw, then smiled at her warmly. Time stood still. What he meant to say with that smile, Rachel had no clue.

* * *

They had great seats at the opera thanks to Dr. Wilkinson’s season tickets. He was on the board of the Opera House and had been a longtime donor. But in actuality, the new opera house really had no bad seats. Even if you happened to be up in the nosebleed section, the view was still very good. The entire seating area was unobstructed, and there was a large screen overhead that projected the stage and included English subtitles for the foreign language operas. The acoustics were pitch-perfect and could be heard clearly from any seat in the house.

Act One. The curtains rose. The stage was bursting with color and elaborate costumes. The
brindisi
began, with its beautiful, lively lyrics that encouraged the drinking of wine.

Rachel sat between Edward and Elena. As lovely as the opera was, Rachel’s mind was elsewhere. She wondered if there would ever be a time when they could all be together the way they used to, when what had happened would drift so far away it would barely be there at all, when the guilt would no longer dominate her thoughts.

They were having a baby
. On the one hand, she was truly happy for Elena, who she knew would be an amazing mother. The pregnancy symbolized a turning of the page, a new chapter in their lives, and anything that helped turn a page was a good thing. On the other hand, it added another layer of fraud. Like building a house of glass, another floor added more weight to the fragile foundation that could easily come crashing down. What if Elena were to ask Rachel and Edward to be the baby’s godparents?
More weight
. She felt ill.

Act One ended and the lights came on. Elena turned to Rachel and asked if she would accompany her to the ladies room. As they waited in line, Rachel skimmed her program and tried her best to push her thoughts about Jack out of her mind. The lobby was occupied by a diverse group of people waiting for a restroom, admiring the artwork on the walls or standing in line at the bar. Some were in formal attire; some dressed down in jeans. Most were somewhere in between. They stood in line for a few minutes without saying anything.

“Thanks for bringing us to the opera. It’s so beautiful,” Rachel said, attempting to make small talk.

“Rachel.” Elena frowned and reached to hold Rachel’s hand. She looked into her eyes with concern. “Are you okay?”

Rachel accepted her hand, but avoided looking directly at her. “Yes,” she sighed. “I’m sorry. I know I’ve been kind of spacey. I really am happy for you and Jack,” she said, making her best effort to sound sincere.

“You know, I feel like you haven’t really been yourself for a while now. You seem so distant. Ever since the wedding, I’ve noticed you’ve been detached. You look so thin. You hardly touched your dinner tonight. I hope everything is alright … You would tell me if something was wrong, right?” Elena asked, then she lowered her voice to a whisper. “I mean, if I didn’t know any better, I’d suspect you were depressed.”

Oh, I just slept with your husband. It’s no big deal, really
, is what ran through Rachel’s head, but she only sighed and said
,
“I know. I guess it’s just … it’s just …” She was at a loss for words. She noticed the woman in line ahead of them glance back.

“Is it Dish?” Elena asked.

“Dish?” Rachel repeated.

“I asked Ed if you were okay after the wedding. He told me you were probably just worried about a new client you were seeing named Dish.”

Rachel never used her clients’ real names when speaking about them to her friends or family. Edward knew Sara Dishner only as Dish.

Rachel hesitated. It was the perfect excuse. “Well, you know I don’t like to talk about my clients, but I do worry about her. She’s young and impressionable. Her parents went through a pretty ugly divorce and she hasn’t been coping very well,” she said.
You’re such a coward. You’re lying.

“Well, I can’t blame you for that. I’m always worried about the people I work with at the clinic. It’s hard not to. I guess it’s just the way it is for people with jobs like ours. But remember, she’s lucky to have you. So many kids go through these things and much worse with no one to turn to.” Elena paused. It was almost their turn to step into the restroom. “I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you. With all the new stuff, I guess I’ve been too wrapped up in myself.”

“Thanks, Elena. It’s okay, I’ll be fine. I just have to let it go.”

“Do you want me to call in a prescription of Lexapro for you?” Elena asked. “It’s for mild depression. It should help.”

“No, no, it’s okay. I still have some benzos Ben gave me to help me sleep. Forget it. Really, I’ll be fine.” She tried to change the subject. “Hey, so how far along are you, anyway?”

“Almost eight weeks. The baby’s due in February.”

“That was fast,” Rachel said, forcing herself to smile.

“To be honest, it’s a miracle I didn’t get pregnant before then. We had been so careless for months before we got married. I was so into him. I didn’t care if it happened. I almost
wanted
it to. I was so crazy in love, and now it’s still just as intense. It’s … it’s just so wonderful,” Elena gushed.

Rachel was relieved when they finally made it into the restroom. “That’s great. We better finish up here and get back to our seats before they turn down the lights.”

As Rachel closed the stall door, she saw Elena touching up her makeup in the mirror. She locked the door, closed her eyes and pressed her lips together. She couldn’t remember the last time she had seen her friend so incredibly happy.

* * *

Later that night, while Rachel was taking off her new earrings and getting ready to wash her face, she noticed Edward in the mirror behind her. He rubbed his eyes as he walked into the bathroom, headed towards the closet. She thought about how he hardly made any sexual advances anymore, probably because he was tired of being rejected, and she didn’t blame him. Even on the one occasion that she had agreed to it, it wasn’t very good. As much as she tried to hide it, it was obvious that she wasn’t into it. Edward told her afterwards that it had felt mechanical and obligatory. That had been over a month ago and he hadn’t tried to approach her again since.

Before she slept with Jack, Edward and Rachel had enjoyed a fairly decent sex life. Even though he worked long hours, they managed to sneak in time together at least once, sometimes two times a week. Now, they hardly touched each other and she could sense the void growing between them. She sighed, turned the water on and waited for it to warm. She felt bad for Edward and was angry at herself. Jack certainly wasn’t letting what happened bother him in the slightest. He and Elena were reveling in pre-baby bliss. Why couldn’t she just let things go? Why should she distance herself from her husband who had done nothing wrong? He deserved so much more than she was giving him. She turned the water off with purpose.

She went over to where Edward was standing inside the large walk-in closet. His back was to her; he was busy taking off his shirt. She moved forward and wrapped her arms around him from behind. He immediately tensed up. Then she turned him around to face her. He looked down at her with a quizzical expression. She closed her eyes and kissed him. He kissed her back and held her closer. She tugged his shirt off of his arm and threw it to the side. Then she pulled him down to lie on the carpeted floor beneath them.

“Shouldn’t we go to the bed?” he asked.

“Shhhhh,” she said and guided him to lie on his back. He lay down but held his shoulders off the floor by propping himself up on his elbows. She straddled his body and began to kiss his chest, taking her time as she made her way down to his midsection. She unfastened his belt and carefully unzipped his pants. Then she wedged herself in between his legs and pulled them down. She gently caressed him, watching him close his eyes and drop his head back. Then she leaned in and put her mouth over him. She could hear his breathing getting harder.

Just then, Jack popped into the forefront of her mind. She thought about how he had looked at her when they locked eyes at the restaurant earlier that night. She had pretended not to notice when he reached to hold Elena’s hand at the opera, hold her with the same hands that had glided over Rachel’s thighs before he picked her up and carried her to the couch. She thought about his chest, his full lips and the electricity that ran through her body when they first kissed.

Stop it.
She made herself turn her attention back to Edward and focus on being there with him. After a few minutes, she heard him moan and could tell he was about to climax. Once she felt his body clench and then slowly relax, she released him and then gently moved up and laid her head on his chest.

They lay in silence on the closet floor for a few moments before he asked, “Where did that come from?”

“It just came over me,” she said, staring blankly at her shoes tucked away in the shoe rack directly in front of her. She could hear his heart beating rapidly, the taste of him still in her mouth. It had been years since she had done that, and not since they were dating had she done it with such intensity. It had never been her favorite sexual act and Edward was well aware of that. She wanted to prove that she could still please him. Or, that she even
wanted
to please him, when her mind kept returning to Jack. Why couldn’t she just stop thinking about him? It was so irrational. She wondered if she was going mad.

“Hey,” Edward said. “Did you hear me?”

Rachel raised her head and looked at him. “I’m sorry, what?”

“I said, I love you.” He looked at her intently and put his arms around her.

She put her head back on his chest. “I love you, too,” she whispered.

THE LONG
SUMMER
CAME TO AN END
. It was almost Thanksgiving. The days were getting shorter and colder. The temperature danced around fifty degrees in the afternoon and dipped into the lower forties at night. Rachel felt like she was turning a corner, starting to feel like her old self again. She had resigned herself to the fact that she would probably never get over what she had done, but she also decided to take Ben’s advice and use it as a learning experience. She vowed to never again put herself in such a precarious situation. She would have more compassion for her clients who confided their sins to her. Instead of feeling like a fraud, she was now an expert. She could counsel her clients from experience. She vowed to be a more dedicated wife, a better mother and better friend. She was still running, but she was cutting back on her miles. The constant burning need was slowly subsiding.

She was looking forward to the holidays. Edward would be off for the long weekend and they had decided to take Jacob to the beach on Friday. A getaway to the sand and sea was all Rachel could think about. She tried to bring her mind back to her work as she let Lisa Garza into her office for their regularly scheduled Monday mid-morning session.

Lisa sat on Rachel’s couch, chewing her gum and staring out the window. She shook her head. “I don’t know what he’s waiting for. I don’t think he’s ever going to leave his wife. Every time I try to talk about our future, he just gets irritated.”

“Irritated how?” Rachel asked.

“He thinks I’m being pushy, keeps reminding me his wife just recovered from cancer. Even though she’s been in remission for almost a year, he says he still needs more time. He says he can’t break her heart right now. I know it sounds bad, but what about me?” She looked directly at Rachel. “Am I just a plaything? What about
my
feelings? What about my family? They’re going to be hurt, too. There never really is a good time to bring up these kinds of things, right?”

Rachel took the tip of her pen out of her mouth and looked at Lisa directly. “Lisa, have you
really
stopped to think about what your life would be like with Keith?” She placed her hand on top of her notepad that was sitting in her lap. “It’s obvious you two are attracted to each other. But just because you have chemistry with someone doesn’t mean they’re the right person for you. You know it takes more than good sex to sustain a healthy relationship, right?”

Lisa’s face and shoulders fell. She turned her attention back out the window.

“I don’t know … I told him we either need to move forward, or stop kidding ourselves and just call it off.” She paused and squinted her eyes, looking pensive. “And I might as well just tell Henry what’s going on. I’m sure he suspects something anyway.”

Surprised, Rachel raised her eyebrow and asked, “Why do you want to tell Henry?”

“Are you kidding me? This whole thing is eating me up. I just can’t live like this anymore. I
have
to tell him. Only someone with no conscience at all could go on lying this way.”

Only someone with no conscience at all—
those last words echoed in Rachel’s mind. She cast her eyes down to the floor.
It’s a completely different situation. She doesn’t love her husband anymore … Does that make me better or worse? Stop it. Don’t do this again. Let. It. Go.

“Do you know what I mean?” Lisa asked, holding up an open hand, gesturing to Rachel for a response.

“I suppose so. I was just wondering if it was worth hurting Henry over this. I mean, if you need to leave him because you don’t love him anymore, that’s one thing. But why tell him about the affair if this guy isn’t serious about ending his marriage? Would you still want to end your marriage if you weren’t involved with Keith?”

Rachel suddenly stopped and thought about what she had just said. Was her own behavior clouding her judgment?

Lisa shook her head. “I don’t know.” She crossed her arms in front of her chest. “But the one thing I
do
know is I can’t hide this from him anymore. We’ve been together fifteen years. He deserves the truth.”

“Well—” Rachel began, but stopped short when she heard her phone vibrate on her desk. “I’m sorry, I usually have my cell turned off, but let me just make sure it’s not my son’s school calling.” She reached to grab her phone. The screen read “unlisted.”

“You were saying,” she said, setting the phone back on top of her desk.

“Do you think he’ll leave his wife?” Lisa asked. Her eyes looked intense, hopeful. “I mean, have you seen situations like this where the man does leave his wife?”

“In situations like this … no,” Rachel said truthfully. “I tend to think he should resolve his feelings for his wife first, before the two of you continue with your relationship. It’s probably a good idea for you, too. Have you thought about transferring to another division?”

“Our company isn’t that big. I couldn’t avoid him even if I tried,” Lisa said, sounding frustrated.

“How about a vacation? Maybe spend some time away for a while, with your husband or even alone, to help sort out your feelings. I think it would be wise to put some space between the two of you right now.”

“I don’t know,” Lisa said as she slouched back into her chair.

Rachel’s phone vibrated again. She could see from where she was sitting it was the unlisted number again.
That’s weird
, she thought. She ignored it and went on with Lisa’s session.

As the session ended, Lisa agreed to take some time off, alone. When Lisa had gone, Rachel checked her phone for a message. There was none, but before she could set the phone down, it vibrated again. This time, she answered. A familiar voice was on the other line.

“Rachel, it’s Sara, Sara Dishner. Something really bad happened. I have to talk to you. I have to see you right away.”

Rachel could hear the desperation in Sara’s voice. She looked at her appointment book. “Sara, I have someone coming in at eleven-thirty, but I have a break at twelve-thirty. Can you meet me for lunch?”

“Well, uh, I, I don’t know.” She sounded confused and like she was about to cry.

Rachel consulted her book again and realized that her eleven-thirty appointment was with Frank Moran. She had been seeing Frank on and off for the last three years. He was a middle-aged recluse who suffered from mild depression and paranoia. He was notoriously unreliable and would often show up to his appointments late or sometimes not at all. Rachel thought about how odd it was for Sara to be calling her like this. Their sessions had ended in August and had been fairly uneventful the last few times they met. Sara had been planning to return to school in the fall. She had been content living with her grandmother, and her relationship with her parents was slowly improving. Although Sara had Rachel’s personal phone number, she had never used it before today. Rachel thought for a moment, and then said, “I’ll tell you what, go ahead and come over now. I’ll call my next appointment and cancel.”

“I’m on my way,” Sara said and then abruptly hung up the phone.

* * *

Sara arrived at the office fifteen minutes later. When Rachel answered the door, she was struck by how different Sara looked. She wasn’t wearing any makeup and her face appeared washed out. Her long, thick hair was pulled back in a messy ponytail. She was wearing an oversized, gray hoodie and worn-out jeans. Her sneakers were untied. Her eyes were puffy and red; she had been crying. But the most striking difference in Sara’s appearance was how much older she looked. It was as if she had aged ten years since Rachel saw her, just a few short months ago.

“Oh my goodness, Sara, what happened?”

Sara sat down on Rachel’s small couch by the window. She had her smart phone in one hand and kept looking at it as if she were expecting a call.

“Can I get you some water?” Rachel asked.

“No. Thank you.” Sara wiped her nose with the back of her sleeve.

Rachel grabbed a tissue from her desk and handed it to her. “What’s going on?”

Sara sniffed. “James won’t call me back. He doesn’t go home. I can’t find him. It’s like he’s just disappeared into thin air.” She sniffled again and then blew her nose into the tissue.

“Isn’t this just like what happened that day we went to the grocery store? You were so worried and then he texted you, and all of a sudden you were right back on cloud nine?” Rachel leaned back, relieved that Sara’s situation wasn’t more dire.

“This is different.”

“Sara, you can’t let this guy get you so worked up. Don’t you think you deserve some balance?”

“This is different,” Sara repeated sternly.

“How?”

Sara face twisted up as if she had just experienced some internal pain.

“How is this different?” Rachel asked.

“I … I … He made me … I had …” She looked at Rachel with watery eyes. “I had an abortion.” Tears barreled down her face.

“Oh my God.” Rachel got up and went to sit next to her. She wrapped her arm around her. She remembered Sara was still a minor. “But how? Do your parents know?”

“Yeah right.” Sara managed to bark out a short laugh. She tossed her head back. “They would kill me.”

“Then how? You would have had to have their consent before you could …”

“They don’t know.” Sara’s face went cold as she continued. “James had a friend. He told me it wouldn’t hurt. He told me I wouldn’t even remember it.”

“Oh no, Sara. No. Have you been to a doctor?” But Rachel already knew the answer. Of course she hadn’t seen a doctor.

“I don’t need to see a doctor.”

“This is
criminal
. Your boyfriend and his friend could go to jail for this.”

“He said everything would be okay. He said things would go right back to the way they were before I got pregnant. But now he doesn’t call me back. He must have disconnected his phone. You can’t even leave a message. I wait for him outside of his house, but he never comes.” She began to cry again. “Shit.” She pressed a button on her phone and stared at the screen.

“This is not okay.” Rachel said.

“You’re not going to turn him in, are you?” Sara turned to look at Rachel with fear in her eyes. “I wouldn’t have come to you if I knew you would turn him in.”

“I can’t keep—” Rachel began, but suddenly froze when she glanced at the screensaver on Sara’s phone. Rachel’s heart started beating faster. The picture was blurry, but she could make out two people. One was Sara. Rachel could tell from her hair and the familiar purple shirt she was wearing. The other person was a man. His hand was caught in time, a blur reaching towards his head as if he were trying to hide behind it, but the camera had captured him before he could cover his face. The image was grainy, but Rachel knew who it was. Those eyes. Those lips. That face. The same face that had haunted her for months, the face that still crept into her subconscious and plagued her dreams.

“Is this him?” Rachel asked, pointing to the picture. She put her hand down when she saw it was shaking.

“What?” Sara looked at her phone. “Yeah, why?”

“What did you say his name was?”

“James. Why?” Sara wiped her face with a wrinkled, wadded-up tissue as she turned to look at Rachel.

“James what?”

“James McNew. Do you know him?”

Rachel sunk back in the couch. Her mind raced to place the name. She knew she had heard that name before, but where? Then it came to her. James McNew. She had met him with Edward at a small club in Aspen a few years ago. She met him after a concert. James McNew was the bass player from the band Yo La Tengo
.

“Do you know him?” Sara asked again.

Rachel was looking at Sara, but she wasn’t really focused on her. Her thoughts were going a million miles per minute.
He’s been toying with Sara for months, at least since February, maybe longer. The entire time he’s been with Elena, for sure. When they got married, even when we were together. Sara’s only sixteen. That’s statutory rape. Good Lord, he got her pregnant and then had someone give her an abortion who knows where. She could have died. Who the hell is this guy?

“Rachel?” Sara said trying to get her attention.

Rachel looked into Sara’s eyes, grabbed her by her shoulders and said, “Listen to me. You need to see a doctor. I know one. You can trust her. She’ll see you, but I need to talk to her first.”

“I already told you, I don’t need to see a doctor,” Sara protested.

“I can’t argue with you right now. I have to go do something very important, but I’ll call you later.” She paused, then added, “And
please
stop protecting this guy. Believe me, he’s not worth it. He’s only out for himself.”

“How do you know that? Do you know him?” Sara asked a third time.

Rachel thought a moment before she answered. “No. I don’t. I don’t know him at all.”