The Guarded Heart (14 page)

Chapter 36

Ryder was gone. He never returned to Clint’s place and he didn’t answer the door when Clint went to his apartment. He called a hundred times and every text message went unanswered until the number was no longer in service. The world became very large and Clint felt isolated and helpless when he returned to Ryder’s apartment and learned he moved out. He cried when the secretary said Ryder took another job at another school but wouldn’t say any more.

“He doesn’t want to talk to you,” Shannon said coldly and Clint screamed internally as his last hope faded.

“Please,” he begged gently. “I need to talk to him. I fucked everything up and I will do anything if he’ll come back,” Clint promised and she snorted.

“I think you had plenty of chances. Let him find someone that deserves him and wants to make him happy,” Shannon said and pain exploded in Clint’s chest at the thought.

“I’ll make him happy!” Clint swore. “Tell me where he is so I can apologize and tell him how I feel,” he urged.

“Don’t you think you should have done that before you broke his heart?” She asked. “You had months to tell him how you feel. He isn’t stupid and telling him a bunch of bullshit isn’t going to fix this,” Shannon said and Clint’s hand shook as it held the phone.

“It’s not bullshit. I was scared before,” he admitted and she laughed.

“Were you scared of being alone?” She asked. “Because that’s what you are now. Leave him alone and let him move on with his life,” Shannon said then hung up.

Clint swore loudly as he hurled his phone. It smashed and the pieces bounced off the wall as Clint dropped onto the couch. He didn’t care about his phone. If he couldn’t hear Ryder’s voice or see his messages, it was worthless. Clint didn’t want to talk to anyone else or deal with anything. Barkley hopped onto the seat next to him and offered a weary sigh as he settled next to Clint.

“I think I’ve lost everything,” Clint whispered as he gathered Barkley against his chest and fell back onto a pillow. “At least I still have you,” he murmured as he reached for one of the blankets. He shook it out and pulled it over their heads and tears filled his eyes as everything became dark. “This isn’t a very good cocoon, is it?” Clint asked as he held on tight to Barkley. The blanket cocoon failed to protect Clint from the outside world and only made everything hurt more.

Chapter 37

“Ryder, breakfast is ready,” his mother called from the bottom of the stairs. He grunted into the pillow then pushed off the bed.

“I’ll be down in a minute,” he yelled as he sat up. He ran his hands through his hair then stood and stretched. His body ached and he knew it wasn’t because of his old twin-sized bed. He’d felt beat up and wrung out for days. Ryder sighed as he pulled on a pair of pajama pants then jogged down the stairs. “That looks incredible,” he said as he kissed his mother on the cheek then dropped into his chair. His stomach growled and he was grateful to be hungry after days of feeling queasy and uninterested in food.

“How are you feeling?” She asked as she set a bowl of fruit next to a savory chickpea pancake and avocado slices.

“I’m fine,” he insisted as he spread the large dollop of hummus and arranged the avocados. She sat across from him and gave him a sad, sympathetic look.

“You’re not. Don’t you think you should call him?” She asked and Ryder kept his expression neutral as he salted his avocados.

“Why do you think it’s a him?” He asked as he used his fork to cut off a bite and she looked even sadder.

“You’ve never let work or silly things like money get to you,” she said then her hand waved in a circle in front of Ryder’s chest. “And you’re very dim there,” his mother said and he reflexively pressed his hand to his chest. “Your aura is so heavy, bear,” she said gently and he nodded as he chewed. “I know my baby. We may not speak every day but I can feel when you’re hurting. You were very happy for a while then you started to lose your glow.” She got up and went to the fridge. Ryder used the moment to let his emotions settle. “Are you sure you two can’t work it out?” She asked as she set a glass of juice next to Ryder’s plate and he shook his head.

“It’s never going to work and he’s looking for something different,” he said as he pushed a grape around the bowl. “I don’t think I can really trust him,” Ryder admitted and his mother’s head tilted.

“You must have. Why don’t you think you can work through your problems?” She asked and he snorted.

“It was never supposed to be serious between us. I think I forgot along the way and started to imagine we had more in common,” he said and she raised a brow. “His cars cost almost as much as your house. He has two cars and talks to them as he washes them. He runs with a fast crowd and worries too much about what people think of him,” he added and she raised a shoulder.

“Does it matter if he made you happy?” She asked and he laughed softly.

“I got less happy and things stopped being fun the longer we were together. I wanted a real, healthy relationship and he didn’t want things to change,” he explained. “So, it’s over and I’m moving on with my life,” Ryder declared and his mother gave him a pointed look.

“You’re moving on by moving back in with your mother and sleeping in your childhood bedroom,” she said and he waved dismissively.

“I’m sure I’ll have a job by the end of the week. There are three positions in the district and they pretty much told me I can have my choice,” Ryder said. “Once I’ve got that locked down, I’ll start looking for a place.” He took a bite of melon and she sighed as she reached for his hand.

“You know I love having you here, baby bear,” she said softly and he felt a little emotional at her use of his old nickname. “I just don’t want you hiding instead of fixing something that’s supposed to be a part of you,” she said and he shook his head.

“No. It’s over and I want to make a fresh start far away from him,” he explained.

“Ok,” she said as she stood. “The light is glorious on the back patio. Want to do some yoga with me?” She asked and he shook his head.

“I can’t. I’ve got an interview in two hours,” he said and she smiled as she bent and kissed his cheek.

“Try to have a calm and joyful day,” she said and he nodded. “Find a moment to stop and enjoy the beauty of the world,” she added and he smiled up at her.

“I will,” he promised and she pushed the hair away from his brow before she left him to finish his breakfast.

Ryder took a deep breath and reflected on all the positive things in his life as he turned his mind away from Clint. He was surrounded by love and encouragement. He was lucky enough to slide into a new job without really having to look. He was going to live close enough to see his mom as often as he wanted and wouldn’t miss her like he used to. The world was beautiful and he had many things to be grateful for.
Why do I feel like someone dug a large hole out of my chest and left a crater in my soul?
He wondered as he got up and carried his dishes to the sink.
Give it time. You’ll have a new job, new friends and eventually someone else will come along.
He ignored the way he recoiled at the idea and went upstairs to take a shower.

Chapter 38

August 2015

Ryder clung to the burning in his chest and the sharp pain in his side as he ran over the bridge. At least it wasn’t Clint. He pushed himself until the physical pain of running drowned out the pain he hadn’t been able to shake since he left Clint in his classroom. Ryder slowed when he reached the parking lot and pushed his hands through his hair as he pulled deep breaths through his nose then bent forward and grabbed his knees as his head became light and his vision filled with flares of color. His heart slowed and his vision cleared but the aching in his chest and the twisting of his stomach hadn’t been purged. He cursed under his breath as he squeezed his temples then scrubbed his hand down his face.
Go and hear him out. Make peace with him or decide he’s an asshole or tell him you never want to see him again. Just do something so you don’t feel like this forever,
he demanded as he walked to his car.

He nodded as he unlocked his car then hunted for his phone in his backpack. His fingers found the numbers without needing to think and he hated the whiff of anticipation and comfort he felt just seeing the number and the open message window.

Ryder

When/where do you want to meet?

He hit Send and his nerves fizzed as his stomach clenched nervously. He reminded himself that the only thing he could promise himself was closure. He didn’t know if he wanted more than that.

Clint

Parker’s at 11:00?

Ryder laughed and shook his head.

Ryder

I should have guessed.

Clint

I wanted to pick someplace we’d both be comfortable. I don’t want you to feel pressured.

Ryder released a slow, cleansing breath. Parker’s had always been Clint’s place but he would feel comfortable and there wouldn’t be any pressure to hurry or go anywhere else. Drinks in a bar or meeting in a coffee shop always felt like a prelude. People could do brunch and go their separate ways without being awkward. Ryder frowned as he looked at the message. It had never been awkward with Clint. Well, aside from that first night. But everything after was so easy.

“Are you really going to do this to yourself?” He murmured as he stared at his phone. “It’s too late now and you’re not going to stop thinking about him,” he said then nodded firmly.

Ryder

Fine. 11:00 at Parker’s.

Clint

Thank you. I’ll see you then.

“Just closure,” Ryder insisted as he started the car.

Chapter 39

“Would you calm down?” Jonathan asked as he put away his notes and zipped his bag. “You look sexy as hell. If Ryder doesn’t jump you, I will,” he said and Clint pulled a face and Jonathan winked. “That shirt makes your eyes pop. If he doesn’t get lost in them, I don’t know what he’s made of,” he said as he reached for Clint’s hand. “Just relax. He’s coming, isn’t he? That means you’re half way there,” Jonathan said and Clint nodded as he tried to buckle everything down on the inside. He’d been a nervous wreck since Ryder sent that first text three hours earlier.

“You’re sure this is ok? I think I should have dressed up a little more,” he said as he looked down at the pastel purple polo and jeans.

“No. You know he isn’t going to be dressed up and you don’t want him to think it’s that big of a deal,” Jonathan said and Clint sighed as he reached for his drink.

“But I want him to know this is a big deal, to me,” he said then took a long sip of his water and Jonathan waved dismissively.

“Obviously it’s a big deal but you don’t want him to think you’re expecting anything,” he said before his finger flicked up and down. “All of this works, trust me,” Jonathan insisted then checked his phone and his eyes flared. “I better get going! I’ll keep my phone handy if you need me. Promise you’ll let me know how it goes!” He said before he blew Clint a quick kiss then turned and dodged tables on his way to the door and nearly ran into Ryder.

Clint swore under his breath as his nerves bubbled and his hands started to sweat. He jumped to his feet as soon as Ryder spotted him and forced his feet to stay put as the urge to rush toward Ryder surged and his body began to shake. He held out until Ryder was within arm’s reach then grabbed him and pulled him close. There was a soft moan and Clint wasn’t sure who did it as his hands pressed against Ryder’s back. He shut his eyes and savored the solid warmth and Ryder’s intoxicating scent before he leaned back. His hand lingered on Ryder’s shoulder as Clint’s eyes searched Ryder’s. They shimmered as they dropped to Clint’s lips and he was powerless. His hand curved around Ryder’s neck as his head tilted forward and there was a soft gasp as their lips brushed. Clint waited to see if the gasp was in protest. He watched Ryder’s lashes fall before he pressed his lips against Ryder’s more firmly and let them slide and cling. Warmth and joy washed over Clint and his heart swelled and pushed against his ribs as he tasted Ryder’s breath on his tongue.

“I’ve missed you so much,” Clint whispered and Ryder licked his lips and frowned before he opened his eyes.

“Clint, I don’t know…” He stopped when Clint’s thumb slid across his lips.

“I just wanted you to know, that’s all,” he said. “I’m not expecting anything and I’m just grateful that we get to talk,” Clint insisted as he stepped back and waved for Ryder to take a seat.

“Would you like something to drink?” He asked as his eyes absorbed Ryder. He looked perfect in a soft green gingham check shirt and jeans. His eyes were such a gentle, soothing brown and the natural blonde highlights in his hair and the warm tan tinting his skin made Clint’s body tighten. Ryder nodded jerkily as he looked around.

“Yeah. They still have the prickly pear mimosas?” He asked and Clint grinned as he waved at the waitress and she nodded as she approached.

“A carafe of prickly pear mimosas, please,” he said and she smiled before she hurried off. Clint reached across the table and rubbed his finger across the back of Ryder’s hand. “I’m nervous too,” he confessed and Ryder laughed softly.

“Don’t let me drink too many,” he said as he scanned the room and Clint waited until their eyes met to grin wickedly.

“I can’t promise that. Or that I’ll stop you this time,” he teased and Ryder rolled his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest as he sat back.

“Here you go!” The waitress said as she set their glasses on the table. “What can I get you?” She asked and Ryder’s eyes flicked to the ceiling as he considered.

“Do you still have the roasted farm stand vegetables?” He asked and she nodded. “I’ll have that and the granola,” Ryder said and Clint felt like he was sliding into something safe and comfortable as he watched Ryder across the table. He hadn’t felt like he was in the right place for almost a year and half. Now, he felt like he was home. He was home and the waitress was staring at him. He cleared his throat and forced his eyes up to hers.

“I’ll have the egg white frittata,” he said and smiled sheepishly and she winked at him.

“Sure thing!” She said and took herself off. Clint winced as he looked back at Ryder.

“I can’t promise that I won’t make an ass of myself either,” he said and Ryder snorted as he raised his glass and drank. He sucked down half of the mimosa and Clint raised his brows as he reached for his.

“I passed Jonathan when I came in,” Ryder said as he set his glass down and Clint nodded.

“We usually touch base on Saturday mornings so I can see how things went the night before and let him know what he needs to work on,” he explained and Ryder’s eyes flared.

“So much for pillow talk,” he mumbled and Clint covered his mouth before he sprayed the table and shook his head.

“We’re not dating, he’s my assistant!” He gasped and Ryder’s lips pursed.

“Oh… So, by the night before… You don’t mean…” He said and Clint shook his head again.

“Definitely not,” he said. “He supervises everything in the clubs so I can work from home,” Clint explained and Ryder blinked in surprise as he leaned forward.

“You work from home?” He asked and Clint nodded.

“Aside from the few times a month I DJ, I don’t spend much time in the clubs anymore,” he said and Ryder’s eyes grew wide.

“You don’t?” Ryder asked. “But you love being in the clubs,” he said as he searched Clint’s face and Clint shook his head again as he took Ryder’s hand in both of his and rubbed his thumbs over the knuckles.

“After you left, I realized that being in the clubs cost me the thing I needed most and none of it mattered any more. None of it made me happy and the only place I wanted to be was wherever you were,” Clint said and Ryder squeezed his temples and released a shaky breath but he let Clint hang on to his hand.

“I wasn’t expecting any of this,” he whispered as he grabbed his glass and drained it. Clint nodded as he refilled Ryder’s drink. “This is a lot to deal with,” Ryder said and Clint smiled.

“I swore that if I had a chance, I wouldn’t hold back. I was so scared after I saw you last weekend because I thought I blew the only chance I’d get,” he said gently and Ryder looked lost. “I knew I couldn’t overdo it when I went to the school. All I could do was wait and pray that you’d let me see you again,” Clint said and Ryder swallowed hard.

“I didn’t want to come because I was afraid it would be like ripping open a wound,” he said and Clint shook his head.

“I don’t want to hurt you ever again,” he swore and Ryder’s eyes were so large and hopeful as they met Clint’s. “I don’t want to leave anything unsaid, Ryder. Everything I didn’t say to you before has haunted me,” Clint confessed and he stifled a groan as he sat back so the server could top off their water. He waited until she was gone to reach for Ryder’s hand and pulled it to his lips. Ryder’s eyes flared as he watched Clint kiss his palm. “I hate that I didn’t make you my priority or that you could have worried that there might have been other men. I should have shown you and told you that I love you and that you were the only thing I wanted. I was so scared to admit that, even to myself,” he confessed and Ryder’s eyes glittered. “I thought that if I let you know how much I needed you and how important you were, I would be vulnerable and I’d get hurt,” he said and a bitter laugh burst in his chest. “I was so worried that you might hurt me by leaving that I pushed you away and it hurt worse than anything I could have imagined,” he said and Ryder nodded as a tear slid down his cheek. Clint reached and wiped it away and Ryder shut his eyes and pressed his cheek against Clint’s hand. “I’m so sorry for everything and I’ll do anything,” he promised as he leaned closer. He was about to pull Ryder’s lips to his when he spotted their server carrying their plates. “Shit,” Clint sighed as he sat up straight and Ryder rolled his eyes as he sat back.

They exchanged tense, hopeful glances as everything was set between them. Clint tried to eat a few bites of his frittata but it tasted like pillow stuffing and he pushed his plate aside and hung onto his champagne flute like it was a flotation device as he watched Ryder stab at his vegetables and prod his granola. After the fourth mimosa, Ryder shook his head and admitted defeat.

“I can’t eat this,” he said as he set down his fork and dropped his napkin on his plate. “And I think it’s going to get ugly if I drink anymore,” he stated as he sat back and Clint nodded. He didn’t know what to do. He knew Ryder needed time to process everything but he didn’t want to let him go. All he could do was be patient and hope Ryder believed him and still cared enough to give him another chance.

“Do you want to take any of it?” He nodded at the food as he pulled out his wallet and Ryder shook his head.

“No. Thank you though,” he said as he offered Clint a soft, crooked smile. “I think this was good,” Ryder said and Clint sighed in relief as he dropped more than enough cash on the table and stood.

“I’m glad you came and I hope you’ll let me see you again,” he said as he waved for Ryder to walk ahead of him. Ryder nodded and Clint silently prayed it was a yes as they exited the restaurant. Clint put on a brave face as he slid an arm around Ryder’s waist and pulled him into his arms. “Thank you for coming,” he said softly as he inhaled and tried to pull as much of Ryder’s magical warmth into him before he had to let go. He felt Ryder’s hand fist in the back of his shirt as the other tugged at his collar and Clint raised his head and heat exploded in his chest as Ryder’s lips crushed his. Their tongues tangled and searched and Ryder’s hands wrapped around Clint’s face as he leaned against him.

“I shouldn’t have had that last drink,” Ryder whispered as his lips curved and Clint shrugged.

“I’m glad you did,” he said as he let his fingers drag through Ryder’s beard. “Are you going to be alright?” Clint asked and Ryder nodded as he stepped back.

“I think so,” he said before he looked over his shoulder for a cab then froze. His eyes were wide when they swung back to Clint’s.

“What’s wrong?” Clint asked as Ryder looked at him like he was just seeing him for the first time.

“You kissed me,” he mumbled as his hands gripped Clint’s shoulders.

“I did,” Clint agreed as he raised a brow and Ryder shook his head.

“No, you kissed me in Parker’s. When I got there and you kissed my hand at the table,” he added and Clint nodded.

“I know, I was there,” he said and Ryder’s mouth fell open.

“You kissed me in there and out here where anyone could see us,” he explained and Clint’s eyes went to the sky as he nodded.

“Yes.” Clint waited as Ryder let it all sink in.

“You never would before,” he said hoarsely and Clint swallowed the desperate need and hope that swelled within him and let Ryder see it in his eyes.

“I was a jackass before,” he said and Ryder clapped his hand over his mouth as a laugh spilled out and Clint cradled his jaw. “I told you, whatever you want, Ryder. I’ll do anything and give you anything,” he whispered and Ryder groaned.

“I’m not ready to go,” he breathed as he hung on to Clint.

“What do you want to do?” He asked and Ryder licked his lips as he stared at Clint’s.

“Can we go to your place?” He asked and Clint’s heart exploded and all he could do was nod as he raised his arm to hail a cab.