THE HUSBAND HUNTERS (35 page)

‘I feel all emotional,’ I admitted to Rach as we walked across the hospital car park. ‘We’ve got Soph getting married, and now Tash is engaged too. The club is starting to come good.’

When I got back into work, Nick was anxiously waiting for me.

‘How is she?’ he asked, as I walked through the door.

‘She’s a lot better and thankfully the doctor doesn’t think there will be any lasting damage,’ I said. ‘She’s got a massive bandage around her head and she looks like she’s done ten rounds with Frank Bruno – but the most exciting thing is that Rob has asked her to marry him and she’s said yes.’

‘That's great news, but isn’t he still married to his wife?’ asked Nick.

‘Yes, but they are going to get divorced, and when that comes through, he’s going to marry Tash,’ I said triumphantly. ‘I always knew this club could pull it off.’

‘Well, it’s certainly getting there,’ said Nick. ‘Two ‘Has-beens, Hags and Crones’ gone – just three left.’

I felt a pang. I had been so happy about Tash that I hadn’t stopped to think about the club. What if Tash and Soph didn’t want to be in the club anymore, once they were both happily married? If there was only me left, it would be like steering a lonely ship.

‘Of course, we will still be in the club,’ scoffed Tash, when I phoned her later. ‘Even though Soph and I have almost got our lives sorted out, we’re not going to dump the rest of you and leave you in the lurch. We won’t rest until we have got you three down the aisle as well –don’t you worry about that.’

I instantly felt better. ‘Have you heard anything about Hazel?’ I asked her.

‘She wrote me a letter,’ said Tash. ‘She said she is terribly sorry, and that nothing like that would ever happen again and she even wished me and Rob the best. I think she’s worried that I’m going to press charges. I’m not going to, but I’m definitely going to get the injunction. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and I’m not risking my life again.’

***

Kaz gasped out loud when we all arrived at the restaurant for the meeting, two days later. She hadn’t seen Tash, because she’d had to take 30 kids on a hellish school trip for a week.

The bandage was now gone, but Tash’s head was partly shaved with a dozen black stitches. It was still swollen. Tash was wearing her favourite black beanie hat as she didn’t want people staring at her, but she took it off to show us. I had to admit, it looked horrific.

‘How long have you got to have the stitches in for?’ asked Soph.

‘Another week at least,’ said Tash, cheerfully. ‘They don’t want to risk it opening up and my brain exploding everywhere.’ Soph turned a bit green.

‘Her brain won’t explode,’ I reassured Soph, ‘but it may open and start bleeding. Tash, put your hat back on,’ I instructed her.

‘I feel like my head is about to explode too,’ groaned Kaz, massaging her temples. ‘Remind me never to go on a school trip ever again.’

‘Was it horrendous?’ I asked, sympathetically. Kaz nodded, still massaging her temples.

‘We went to some activity centre in the middle of Wales and I had to spent the entire week making sure the kids didn’t drown in the lake, fall on their heads rock climbing, or tumble down any crevice, whilst we were orienteering. Mind you, towards the end of the week, I was actually looking for big holes to push them into. It would have been worth getting the sack for. I had to have eyes in the back, side and top of my head 24/7. It was pretty stressful.’

‘Oh, good – at least I know who to call on for future babysitting duties, then,’ said Rach, with a smile. ‘You’re the only one who will have had plenty of practice.’ Kaz shot her an icy look.

‘Anyway,’ interrupted Tash, looking at me. ‘How's the plan coming on to wreak revenge on Nick?’

I grinned. It was coming on nicely. I fished in my bag and pulled out the official-looking letter that I’d made on the computer, inviting Nick down, as one of the finalists, to the photography competition.

‘Don’t you feel a bit guilty about it, now?’ asked Rach.

‘No way,’ I said, firmly. ‘We might be back on speaking terms now, and he was great that night at the hospital, but all’s fair in love and war after all. He played a trick on me, and now I’m playing one back. What could be fairer than that?’

‘Are you going to send the invitation in the post?’ asked Soph, grinning. ‘Otherwise, he won’t believe it.’

‘Don’t worry – I’ve got it planned to perfection,’ I told her. ‘My mum is going to London to see a friend tomorrow, so she’s going to post it from there, so it has a genuine postmark.’

’Let’s have a look,’ said Tash, grabbing the invitation from me. ‘It says here that the award ceremony is going to be held in London Zoo. How are you going to wangle that one?’

‘Easy,’ I said. ‘It would be the perfect setting for the wildlife award. I’ve already sent for some entrance tickets, so I’ll put one in the envelope, so Nick won’t even have to ask on the door about the competition. He will walk straight in and go to the front of the ape house, where the winner is going to be announced.’

‘I hope he doesn’t ring up the competition organizers for any reason before the event, or else this could all be blown out of the water,’ said Soph.

‘Oh, he won’t do that,’ I said, confidently. ‘He will swagger into the zoo, and there won’t be any such photography competition – and we will be there to meet him outside the ape house – instead of David Attenborough.’

‘It is a great idea,’ said Tash, enviously, ‘better than any idea that I’ve cooked up in the past.’

‘It just takes a bit of careful thought,’ I said, tapping the side of my head with a pencil, ‘and a few brains. Owww!’ I shouted, as Tash lobbed a bread roll at me across the table.

I was still congratulating myself on the sheer genius of my plan the next morning, when I was reading through the minutes.

PROGRESS REPORTS.

* Soph’s hen night. There was much deliberation about this, but it has now been decided that we will go to Blackpool. Soph had agreed with Rach that Blackpool sounded like a fun night – although thankfully she did draw the line at the nipple tassels. We had all gaped at her. Soph, whom we’d never imagined setting foot outside Cheshire, wanted to go and sample the tacky sights of Blackpool. ‘I want to do something different and wild,’ she had said. ‘I’ve never been to Blackpool and I think it’ll be a fun night.’ (I’d said dryly that they sold things like hats with huge penises on the top in Blackpool, and if Soph wanted to spend her hen night wearing a blow-up penis on her head in some tacky club, then to go ahead. I secretly quite fancied Blackpool. Not for the huge penis hats, but for the seaside fortune-tellers that I’d always wanted to visit. I’m sure a Madame Zelda on Blackpool pier might see something a bit more exciting in my future than being maimed by a swarm of bees, or swinging from the trees with my family of chimps.)

* Kaz reported that her hairdresser’s daughter was definitely up for coming on the hen night with us. Soph asked if the hairdresser’s daughter knew about the ‘Unattractive Friend’ theory, as she might be suspicious about suddenly being invited on a night out with us all, when she didn’t even know our names. Kaz said she hadn’t told her, as she didn’t want her to back out.

* Tash reported that she had applied to the courts for an injunction against Mrs Beale. ‘I saw someone that looked like her in the coffee shop, when I was about to go in and pick up a cappuccino yesterday, and I nearly ran a mile,’ she said. Rach suggested that Tash wear her latex mask whenever she went out, then Mrs Beale wouldn’t be able to recognize her. Tash replied that she didn’t want to spend her life hiding behind latex. ‘My face is too good to be covered up,’ she had said snootily.

* Soph showed us a picture of her wedding dress on her mobile phone. We all gasped when we saw it, it was beautiful. I hoped this wedding would go ahead – I didn’t want my poor mum to have to buy yet another of Soph’s unused wedding dresses from the charity shop.

* Rach announced that she is setting up a website to work from home during her maternity leave, called
www.voodoo-doll.org.uk
. She was so pleased with her handiwork, making the voodoo doll of poor, wonky-eyed Caroline that she was sure she could sell them to other women who were desperate to get rid of their female rivals. (I had my doubts about that, and asked Rach if she could be done as an accessory to murder, if one actually worked. Pregnancy and sleep deprivation has definitely left Rach a little strange in the head.)

**************************************

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

Kaz looked glum, when I met her for a coffee after work. It was a miserable, rainy evening, and her long face did nothing to cheer me up.

‘What’s up with you?’ I asked, as I sipped gratefully at my scalding coffee. ‘You look like a wet weekend.’

‘I’ve decided that I’ve got to end it with Adam tonight. I’ve known from the beginning that it isn’t going to work. Yet I keep hanging on, hoping that he’s going to win the lottery,’ said Kaz, miserably.

‘But money isn’t everything,’ I told her. ‘You and Adam are perfect for each other. You make a great couple.’

‘He ticks all the right boxes – all except one,’ said Kaz gloomily. ‘Unfortunately, it’s the biggest one. I’ve kept putting it off, because I don’t want to hurt him. We get on like a house on fire, and yes, we have great sex – but he drove me past his mum’s house yesterday, and I couldn’t live like that again.

‘But Kaz, think about it, please,’ I begged. I didn’t want her to throw away a perfectly good relationship because she had the most massive hang-up in the entire world when it came to money. The rest of us could see that Adam was perfect for her, why couldn’t she?

‘I’ve made up my mind,’ she said firmly. ‘He is picking me up to go to the cinema tonight and I’ll tell him it’s over after that. It’s final, Bee, don’t look at me like that.’

I didn’t know what else to say. Kaz was as stubborn as a mule when she wanted to be.

The next morning, I was so wrapped up in Kaz’s predicament that I had completely forgotten about the trick I’d played on Nick. Each morning, I’d waited anxiously for the post to arrive at work to see if the competition invitation was there.

Two days ago he’d been opening a cream-coloured envelope, like the one I’d sent him. He caught me staring, so I had to pretend that I’d seen a fly on his collar and leapt up to swat it. Now I was gazing at my blank phone screen, willing it to ring. Kaz had said she would let me know how it had gone with Adam, but the phone was staying stubbornly silent. I wondered whether she had gone through with it. What had she said to him? Surely she couldn’t have told him her real reason, that he didn’t have enough money.

I jumped out of my skin, as a whoop came from behind me.

‘
I can’t believe it!’ Nick was waving a piece of paper in my face.

‘What?’ I said. I couldn’t have acted it better if I’d tried.

‘I’ve been short-listed for the Wildlife Photographer of the Year competition,’ said Nick, shaking his head in wonder.

It dawned on me. My invitation had finally arrived. Nick was looking at the letter as though he had been handed the Crown Jewels. I felt a tiny pang of guilt, but I quickly squashed it. Nick hadn’t felt guilty when he was typing all those emails to me, pretending to be Jen.

‘That’s brilliant Nick,’ I said. ‘How clever of you – when are the winners announced?’

‘
In four weeks’ time – there’s a ceremony at London Zoo, and it says here to wear black tie, so it’s going to be really posh. I knew those great wildlife pictures I’d taken in Africa last time, were winners.’

‘How many people are short-listed?’ I asked.

‘Three,’ Nick said, reading the letter. ‘So I’ll get third place, at the worst. Someone might offer me a fantastic job after this. I might even hand my notice in to Maria before I go,’ he added cockily.

‘Don’t do that,’ I said, hurriedly. Sending Nick on a fake trip to London was one thing – seeing him out of a job was another – even I couldn’t subject him to that.

My phone rang. It was Kaz – I pounced on it.

‘
What’s happened?’ I asked quickly.

‘It’s over,’ said Kaz in a flat voice. ‘I told him last night when we got back, that I couldn’t carry on seeing him, any more.’

‘What did he say?’ I asked.

‘He was shocked. He kept saying to me, ‘Are you sure?’ over and over again.’

‘What reason did you give him?’ I asked her. Kaz fell silent. ‘You didn’t tell him about your money hang-up?’

‘Yes, I did,’ she said defensively. ‘I didn’t want to lie to him. I wanted to be completely honest about how I felt.’

‘I bet the poor bugger feels great about himself now,’ I told her. ‘Adam, I think you’re sexy and great, but your wallet isn’t quite big enough for me. Kaz, you could have let him down a bit more gently than that.’

‘I know how it sounds, Bee, but I needed him to know how I felt.’