The Regal Rules for Girls (34 page)

THREE THINGS TO REMEMBER ABOUT THE SEASON:

1. When attending any of the following events, it’s important
   not
   to go through a heavily logo-ed form of corporate entertaining. If a corporate invite is your only option, then don’t turn it down, but please keep in mind that you won’t be experiencing the real deal.
   
2. Although all of these events occur between the months of May and August (which is technically referred to as “summer”), please note that you are in the United Kingdom and sunshine is a privilege not an assumption. Despite the strict summery dress codes required by many of these venues, be prepared for cold and/or wet weather
   at all times
   . This means smiling through the shivering drizzle and being a good sport about wearing wellies with your best sundress. Learning to enjoy yourself in freezing weather is terribly English, so you might as well get used to it.
   
3. Several of these events require setting up a formal picnic in a grassy parking lot (remnants of an era when everyone had servants to unpack the hamper and lay the best china out for a quick luncheon). Hence, you must perfect the art of wearing a crisp linen suit (with matching hat), sitting in a lawn chair in the middle of a crowded parking lot (quite often in the rain), and eating soggy salmon sandwiches off your lap while sipping champagne, making witty repartee, and looking like you’re having the time your life. Master this with grace and aplomb, and you have mastered the British Season.
   

Audrey Hepburn at Royal Ascot in My Fair Lady.

Royal Ascot
Berkshire,
www.ascot.co.uk

When:
Four days every year in June.

What to expect:
Thoroughbred racehorses, gentlemen in top hats, It Girls in Philip Treacy, an air of glamour and exclusivity.

Who goes:
Each day at Royal Ascot, the Queen and her party drive in open-topped carriages across Windsor Park, entering the racecourse through the Golden Gates.

Where to
go:

What to wear:
³
Only a formal day dress or suit (knee-length or longer) paired with a proper hat is acceptable. (A headpiece that has a base of four inches or more in diameter is also satisfactory.) Keep in mind that it’s easy to go overboard with look-at-me outfits and crazy headgear, but try to strike a balance between conservative and fashionable. Gentlemen are required to wear either black
or gray morning dress, which must include a waistcoat, tie (not a cravat), black or gray top hat, and black shoes. (Rod Stewart was once infamously turned away for wearing trendy sneakers with his morning suit.) A gentleman may only remove his top hat within a restaurant, private box, or private club, or within that facility’s terrace, balcony, or garden.

What NOT to wear:
Miniskirts, strapless dresses, halter neck dresses, spaghetti strap dresses, dresses with a strap less than one inch wide, anything that exposes the midriff, anything that is sheer or has sheer straps. (Jackets and pashminas are allowed, but the dresses and tops underneath must still comply with the Royal Enclosure dress code.)

What to bring:
Binoculars.

Top tips:
Don’t bother with the odds, the bookies, or the stats in the
Racing Post
. Just have a look at the “starters” in the paddock, then bet a few pounds on the handsomest horse with the cutest name. Make sure you have a good spot at the finish line to watch your horse thunder past and to cheer him into the winners enclosure (although please don’t emulate Eliza Doolittle as you do this).

Inside info:
The jockey wearing the black silk cap and purple silk jacket with red sleeves and gold braiding is riding for the Queen.

Best flirting spot:
Amid the young, hip, and fashionable at the Birdcage pop-up party tent (within the Royal Enclosure Gardens)—a gilded shelter for the golden youth.
www.royalascotbirdcage.com

Also try:
The Epsom Derby.

In 2008, racecourse owners at Ascot were forced to issue dress code guidance, which suggested women “wear knickers, but not on show.” Surely that’s sound advice for
any
social event—royal or otherwise—but maybe that’s just me. In 2012 (and not a moment
too soon), the dress code at Ascot was completely revised to restore decorum to the age-old event, and organizers promise that it will be rigorously enforced. Let’s hope so. After all, Ascot is, in the words of one race official, a formal occasion—“not one where you dress as you would at a nightclub.”

Indeed. Which brings me to…

What to avoid at Ascot:
Anything outside the safe confines of the Royal Enclosure. Despite the nearby presence of the Queen of England herself, nothing stops dozens of pink stretch limos from various London lap dancing clubs from pulling into the grandstand next door. On this side of the fence you will see hundreds of drunk, tattooed race-goers blatantly ignoring the dress code (there is more flesh on display in the Silver Ring of Ascot than during spring break at Daytona Beach), throwing up on each other and starting fistfights. I wish I were exaggerating about this, but I’m not. I see blood spilled every single year. Extremely upsetting; not to mention disrespectful to such a historic royal tradition.

Luckily, from 2012 onward, women in the less formal Grandstand will be required to wear a hat or fascinator and to cover both their shoulders and their midriffs. Shorts are also no longer permitted. (Hallelujah.) However, the
even less formal
Silver Ring still has no formal dress code whatsoever. But thanks to the new rules, at least bare chests are no longer permissible, and fancy dress, novelty, and promotional clothing are not allowed on-site. I’m all for this. But personally, I’ll believe it when I see it.

The Henley Royal Regatta
Henley-on-Thames, Oxfordshire,
www.hrr.co.uk

When:
This world-renowned rowing event is held over five days (Wednesday to Sunday) in late June or early July. This event is very male, very private school, and very, very English. (Not surprisingly, it’s one of my favorites.)

Where to go:
The general public can enjoy races from various points along the Thames towpath, but the Stewards’ Enclosure, at the end of the course, is where you need to be. This is where the final awards ceremony takes place, but access is limited to Stewards (former rowers who organize the regatta), members of the Enclosure, and their guests.

What to expect:
Rolling green lawns, covered grandstands, riverside restaurants and bars.

Who goes:
Strapping Englishmen who once rowed for Oxford or Cambridge wearing silly wool blazers in the blazing sun. Prince Albert became the royal patron of Henley in 1851, and since this date the reigning monarch has stood as official patron to the event.

What to wear:
Summery dresses below the knee. (The dress code in the Stewards’ Enclosure is notoriously strict. One of my friends was forced to pull her skirt below her bottom and cover her exposed derriere with a long cardigan in order to pass through the gates.) Bare shoulders are fine. Hats are not required. High heels will sink into the grassy banks, so best if you opt for cute wedges.

What to drink:
Pimm’s and lemonade.

Best flirting spot:
By day? The Leander Club. By night? The Mahiki Tent (the latter requires tickets, so book in advance,
www.mahiki.com
).

Faux pas:
Pantsuits, cell phones.

HELPFUL ROWING JARGON: