The Tao of Pam (24 page)

Dan debated what to say. He tried to forget he was an attorney. And he didn’t want to lie, either. But how much was her business? Lisa was a grown woman.

“Obviously, we need to deal with Ed’s illness.” Dan left it at that. “I’m sorry about everything, Pam. Sorry about betraying your confidence and hurting you.” When she didn’t answer, he was afraid she was crying. “Pam?”

There was dead air at the end of the line; he realized she’d hung up on him.

Lisa was dealing with Megan. She changed her diaper and sat in the rocker in the living room to nurse her. The chair gave a comforting creak with each movement, and the baby was content, holding on to Lisa’s hand. She wondered what shape Ed would be when he got home from school. As far as she knew, he hadn’t eaten anything for two days besides a bite of chicken. She would continue to go through the motions for him, washing his clothes and cooking dinner, trying to encourage him. The scene with her mother was so troublesome; she wasn’t a person who had ever caused much trouble for her parents. Besides getting pregnant out of wedlock, she had never done anything wrong. To get involved with her mother’s ex-boyfriend was a great way to start a trend.

“I should have gradually worked up to it,” Lisa said aloud. She didn’t want to dwell on Dan. But she needed to think through what was going to happen. They’d decided to take it one day at a time. She needed help with Ed, which was clear. Dan would keep him occupied that summer, and try to discover if there was any psychological services available for him. Outside of his offer of help, Dan was not someone she would have thought she’d be attracted to. He was swarthy and intimidating, sarcastic and pushy. “A typical lawyer,” Brent had said. Brent! She thought of him, of what he would say about all of this drama.

The house phone started to ring; Dan wouldn’t call her on the house phone. Next, her cell buzzed, but it was in her purse. She wasn’t going to disturb Megan to get the phone. If it was an emergency, they would try again. The moment she thought of it, the house phone started to ring again. She got up with Megan sleeping at her breast and went for the phone. It was Gladys Ford.

“Oh, Lisa, I’m so sorry, school just called, and Ed was taken to the hospital. They said he had a seizure. Dad is yelling at me to get going; we’re headed there now,” she said.

Lisa thanked them for calling and hung up, her mind racing. She dug her cell phone out of her purse and saw that her mother had called and left a message.

“School just called, and Ed is sick,” she said. “I’m on way over to watch baby Megan so you can get to the hospital.” Lisa ended the call. She took Megan up to her room and gently laid her in the crib. She’d quickly freshen up from the bacon frying and wait for her mother to arrive. Her mind vacillated from being a blank to running a mile a minute. Why did Ed have a seizure? Did it have anything to do with his mental state?

Pam’s voice called up the stairs. “I’m here,” she said softly.

Lisa ran down and embraced her. “Mom, I’m sorry. Thank you for coming.”

“I wonder if this is why he’s gotten worse over the last week,” Pam said.

Lisa shook her head. “I don’t know,” she said in disbelief. “I hope he’s okay.” She really did hope that, because there was no way they could go on as they had been. “I’ll call you when I find out anything. The baby ate; she should sleep for about two hours.”

Pam nodded her head. “I love you, dear,” she said, kissing her forehead.

Lisa wasn’t sure if she should even be driving. If Pam hadn’t offered to come over, she would have called Dan. She reached for her purse and keys.

“I called Dan to come over and drive you. The hospital is in the Bronx, and I didn’t think you’d want to drive there alone.” Pam was looking at her intently, with a frown.

Lisa could tell she wasn’t thinking of herself. She wanted her daughter to be safe.

“Thank you, Mom,” she said. “That was very generous of you.” Lisa could hear the engine of the Porsche as it came around the corner and up her driveway.

“Go,” Pam said.

She left the house, and Dan was already out of the car, opening the door for her. They didn’t speak until they were out of sight of the house.

“Thank you so much for coming. I don’t know my way around the Bronx.”

“Did the school call you?” Dan asked.

“Ed never changed his contact numbers. His mom called the house; that’s how I found out.”

Dan took Lisa’s hand and held on to it the rest of the drive.

When they arrived at the hospital waiting area, Mr. and Mrs. Ford came running when they saw Lisa.

“He’s in surgery,” Gladys cried.

“Why?” Lisa replied, shocked.

“He’s got a big brain tumor that’s pressing on his brain stem,” Big Ed replied.

“Oh my God, how awful,” Dan said.

They were resisting holding each other in front of Ed’s parents. Lisa transferred the need to Gladys and embraced her lovingly while she was crying.

“Let’s go back in the waiting room in case the doctor comes in,” Big Ed said. “Someone has been coming out with updates.”

“What time did they bring him in?” Lisa said, confused. “We weren’t even notified until an hour ago.”

“I don’t think the school realized how dire it was until the squad came,” Big Ed replied. “By the time they found his emergency numbers, none of us were home to take the call.”

“I called your mom when you didn’t answer, and she wasn’t home, either. It was not a great day for any of us.”

Lisa embraced Gladys again.
If she only knew.

“I better call my mother,” Lisa said. She walked to the corner of the waiting room, away from everyone. Megan was up from her nap, in a happy mood. Lisa gave Pam the latest update, and Pam sent her regards to Ed and Gladys.

Gratefully, no one mentioned Ed’s behavior or arrest charges. It was all in the past. Lisa was a nervous wreck; the hospital business office summoned her so they could get information about Ed’s health insurance. She was so happy he had kept going to work. Just as she returned, the doctor came out and said that Ed was still in the operating room and that they expected the surgery to last into the night.

He took Lisa aside. “No one expects you to stay here all night. We know you have a baby at home. We’ll call you if there is any change in his condition. His parents are here. That’s enough.” He was kind and convincing.

She walked over to Dan and Gladys and Ed. “I need to go home,” she said. “Megan needs to be nursed, or I need to pump.” A reflex, everyone’s eyes went to her breasts.

Gladys snorted out a laugh, and Lisa could see Ed’s parents relax, the tension in their shoulders leaving. Without warning, Big Ed started to cry. He grabbed Lisa and Gladys in a bear hug. Lisa tried to imagine what condition she’d be in if things had been better for her and Ed for the past year. Guilt flooded through her.

“Let’s go,” Dan said. “We’ll come back if you need us.”

Chapter 20

They walked out of the hospital side by side, not touching. But when they got to the dark parking lot, they fell into each other’s arms.

“I hope we didn’t bring this on,” Lisa cried.

“I think it was coming,” Dan said. “It might be why he was getting worse.”

“He’s had a headache on and off, too. I never thought of something like a brain tumor.”

“Let’s get home. I’ll drop you off, and when Pam leaves, I can come back,” Dan said.

Lisa looked at him, concerned. “I want to be with you, but it’s immoral,” Lisa said. She didn’t say,
My husband is in a life-and-death situation; I think I can hold off sleeping with you for another day.
But she knew that wasn’t what he meant.

“Okay, well, I’ll drop you off, and if you feel like I should be there, I’ll come. If the hospital calls, I should be there to bring you back if necessary.”

“I didn’t think of him getting worse,” Lisa said, worried. “Maybe my mother should stay too, just in case. Wow, one big happy family.”

Dan snickered. “Okay, I get your point.” They pulled up to the house, all the lights on. “I think I’ll come in,” Dan said.

Lisa wasn’t sure it was wise, but was too exhausted to get into a philosophical conversation about it.

Lisa could see Pam looking out the window at them coming up the walk side by side. “Don’t touch me,” Lisa warned.

“I won’t,” Dan replied.

They used the hallowed front door to enter. Pam had gone to the back of the house.

“Do you want to make us some coffee?” Lisa asked. “I’ll find my mother.” She walked to the den, and Pam was standing, waiting.

“Why are you back here?” Lisa asked.

“I don’t want to see Dan,” she answered.

“Well, come back out because we need to discuss what’s going to happen tonight. Ed’s still in surgery, and I might get called back. I’d like you to stay here for Megan if I need to go out.” Lisa hoped it was her imagination, but Pam’s face literally fell at the mention of the baby’s name. “Unless you feel that is asking too much of you.”

She waited, daring her mother psychically to deny her this one request. Pam finally answered her, the hesitancy in her voice obvious. “Of course I’ll stay. Do you think there is a chance they’ll call before morning?”

“Yes, I hope they do. I need to know if my husband made it through surgery or not.” Lisa thought,
Are you fucking kidding me?
She was getting insight into her mother’s personality that she’d never seen before. She wondered if her father met with the same resistance when he’d asked Pam to come into the city.

“Well, I guess I don’t have a choice,” Pam said.

“You most certainly do,” Lisa said, exasperated.
Don’t I have enough dimwits in my life?
“I’ll tell you what,
Mother,
head back to the beach, and if I need you to help out, I’ll call you.”

Pam couldn’t move fast enough. She practically vaulted through the hallway to the kitchen to get her purse and, without saying goodbye, disappeared through the front door, running to her car.

“What the hell was that all about?” Dan asked, stirring sugar and cream into Lisa’s coffee.

“You tell me. She couldn’t wait to get out of here.” Lisa didn’t want to bash her mother in front of Dan; it was just too cruel. But she was faced with a dilemma now.

“If they call, I have to take Megan with me, because I am sure as hell not calling her back.”

“Your in-laws will be there,” he said. “I’m sure they’ll help out with Megan. Pack up what you’ll need for a day away from home, just in case.”

Lisa did as he suggested and packed a bag of clothes and diapers for the next day and would take bottles of formula and a small breast pump.

“I’m not prepared for this,” she said. “It just occurred to me that Ed could die. Or that he could be brain damaged. I need to pray for him tonight, pray for his safety and his well-being. But how can I ask for anything when I’m being unfaithful?”

“No one is ever prepared for tragedy. I’ll call my sisters,” Dan said. “They’ll put word out that Ed needs good vibes coming his way. Your loving God won’t turn his back on Ed because we’re in love with each other. I don’t believe that for a minute.”

Lisa wasn’t so sure. Being without religion had its benefits because she could reach for help from above when it suited her. But she wasn’t a fool. She understood the concept of karma, that she’d determine her own destiny by the actions she put into play now. A chill went through her body, thinking about what the future might bring.

“Right now I wish I could call my grandmother and talk to her. But chances are, she wouldn’t know who I was.”

“My mother used to say she missed her own mother everyday. I guess it must be part of growing up.”

“Ugh,” Lisa said. “I don’t want to grow up, then.”

Dan reached for her, and they held each other.

“We probably shouldn’t sleep together until this is all over,” Dan said sadly.

Lisa pulled away from him, looking him in the eyes. “I was going to say the same thing. But I don’t know if I’m strong enough. My husband is in the hospital, possibly dying, and I’m worried about succumbing to temptation.”

“You’re human,” Dan said, trying to comfort her. “It’s human nature to try to get your needs met, to seek companionship and love. I watched you when you were at the beach. I saw Ed disengage himself from you and the baby. You lasted a lot longer than most women would have under the circumstances.”

“I didn’t have time for anything else. I had a new baby, and my mom filled a big void,” Lisa said sadly. “I was trying to fix whatever it was that was wrong with us, not look for a lover. My mother set a good example for me, to stay busy and fill your life with activity. That’s what makes me so sad now. I can’t be there for her because of you, and she won’t be here for me.” Lisa looked at him intently.

“You seem to be a big part of the problem.” She didn’t know if she was being sarcastic or truthful with him.

“I never have this kind of problem, I assure you. It’s what triangles are made of,” Dan said. “Come here.” He pulled her over again and bent down to kiss her, a passionate kiss, not just a peck.

“I’ll make it up to both of you somehow. I’ll be there for you if you need me. It has to be enough for your mother, too. I’ll do what she seems unable to do right now, and that is give of herself to you.” Dan didn’t know what Lisa’s childhood was like, but he had a feeling Pam had played the role of the doting mother to hide some inadequacy she had. It wasn’t something he’d share with her daughter, either.

“My mom was a super mom,” Lisa said, reminiscing, confirming what he was thinking. “She must just be tired of it now. That’s the only thing I can think of. It’s so unlike her to walk away from me. This afternoon is a perfect example. Her calling you to come over and help me out with a ride to the hospital, for instance.” She didn’t add that possibly the fact she was screwing Pam’s boyfriend may have had something to do with Pam walking away.

Dan took his hands from around Lisa. “She didn’t call me,” he said, confused. “Not about Ed, anyway. I called her because she’d hung up on me when she’d called to tell me off. While I was trying to apologize to her, the school called, and she told me. I said I’d come over to drive you into the Bronx.” The minute he spoke the words, he realized he should have shut his mouth. Pam was trying to be the benevolent mother, and he’d ruined it for her.