The Tao of Pam (31 page)

“Yes, but we didn’t realize it at the time. The doctor said he might have had it for a long time and no one noticed, because he exhibited odd behavior all his life that was ignored.”

“Yes, don’t ignore bad behavior,” Pam said. “It never bodes well.”

Nelda looked at her curiously. “What is it with this family that we are suddenly gaining wisdom?”

“It’s too late for me,” Lisa said, blowing her nose.

Pam’s compassion for Lisa surfaced. “Don’t say that. You’ve been a perfect daughter and a loyal friend. Look at what you did for Ryan. He’d still be miserable in the closet if it weren’t for you nudging him to be honest with himself. You might have lost your way for a bit, but I think you should be proud of what you’ve accomplished. And look at Megan. She wouldn’t be here if you weren’t human.”

“Yes, thank God for Megan.”

“Who’s Ryan?” Nelda asked.

The question segued into Lisa telling her grandmothers about how she met Ed, and she didn’t spare any details. Pam made tea, and the women sat around the breakfast room table, leaning forward, their attention on every tantalizing word.

“Oh boy, young love,” Bernice said, sighing.

“The sailboat, what a romantic place to lose your virginity,” Nelda replied.

“Mother, do you mind?” Pam said, laughing.

“Well, what else were they doing aboard, all alone, for a week? I’m jealous.”

“I am, too,” Bernice said.

“Maybe we can get a reduced fee if the four of us join Matchmaker.com or one of those online dating services,” Pam said.

“Count me in,” Annabelle called from the kitchen.

“Give me a couple of months and ask me again,” Lisa said.

Pam looked at her curiously. Did that mean she’d broken it off with Dan?

“I’ll do it if I can sign a waiver—NO SEX,” Bernice said, with emphasis. They started laughing, Nelda nodding her head.

“I probably forgot how to do it,” she replied.

“I think I’m finished with it,” Pam said.

Lisa reached for her hand under the table, and when Pam looked up, she mouthed, “I’m sorry.”

Pam squeezed her hand. “Don’t worry about it,” she said, whispering.

“What are you going to do?” Bernice asked Lisa. “I know it just happened, but do you know what you’ll do about the funeral?”

“I’m letting the Fords decide,” she answered. “It should be at their parish in New Jersey. We’ll all go together in a limo.” She looked at Pam. “Can you help me pay for it, Mom? I’ll have to look at my finances and see what I’ve got coming in.”

“Of course,” Pam replied. “Money is not something you need to be concerned with. Your father made sure you would be taken care of. It’s something that you should probably be aware of simply so no one will ever take advantage of you.”

Lisa looked at her and nodded her head. It never occurred to her that she might be a target for exploitation. She wondered if it had been a problem with Dan.

She’d find the courage to ask when they were alone.

Chapter 28

The farmhand breakfast reverted to Catherine and Agnes when Ed was hospitalized. Neither woman was happy about it. “We’ve never missed a day here, even for the birth of a baby. Those two debutants should’ve shown up when they were scheduled to cook,” Catherine said, throwing things around as she worked.

“Calm down, sister,” Agnes said. “I think they were relieved to have an excuse not to come.”

Dan walked in as they were preparing the food. “Ed died, so cool your jets,” he said sadly. “You don’t expect a woman to show up when her husband is critically ill.”

“Oh, well, I
am
sorry. He was so young.”

“Yep, he was. And left a wife and baby behind.”

“Will they be back to work after the funeral?” Agnes asked.

“I doubt it,” he answered. “I sort of burned my bridges with those two.”

“Ugh,” Agnes replied. “Serves you right for dipping in both places.”

“Agnes, for Christ’s sake,” Catherine said, looking at Dan. “You didn’t, did you?”

“Where’d you get that idea?” he asked, embarrassed that he was so transparent.

“It was obvious,” she replied. “I was here, remember? I saw the two of you together.”

Dan ignored her. “People are starting to line up. Cut the chat, and get some food out here.”

They turned their backs on him as he left the kitchen.

“You never told me about Dan and the daughter,” Catherine said, pouting.

“You have a big mouth, that’s why,” Agnes said. They continued preparing the meal. “And what’s with Dan treating us like the hired help? Time to close this dog and pony show down.”

Catherine stopped beating eggs and bent over laughing. “I hear ya,” she said. “As a matter of fact, let’s make today the last day. Go tell Mr. Know It All he can take over if he wants.”

“Tell me what?” Dan said as he walked back into the kitchen. “I assume I’m Mr. Know It All.”

“We’re finished. This is the last breakfast we’re cooking,” Catherine said. “You made a big stink about us allowing your girlfriend to take over, throwing your weight around, and she lasted two damn days.”

“I’m sorry about it,” Dan said. “But you can’t walk away.”

“Oh, yes, I can,” she replied. “As a matter of fact, I might do it now, so you can finish up breakfast and clean up the mess yourself.”

The bickering went back and forth for another minute. Dan realized that he’d never had an altercation with his family before, and how ironic that the first one would result from his defense of Pam. Having forgotten that he betrayed her in multiple ways, he was angered that she let him down after he stood up to his sisters on her behalf.

***

Sandra left Jack’s old apartment, feeling like a piece of trash. It took a while, a few city blocks of walking, to realize that she was falling into a trap, looking for a replacement for Jack. She shuddered to think that Brent was the one to put the brakes on what was unfolding between them. It was a confusing manipulation of him coming on to her and then pulling away. He’d done it more than once.

She sent Tom a text message that she was heading for home, asking him if he was still in Bayside. He replied that he was planning to stay there for dinner. She wasn’t obligated to come. Miranda was fine. Hailing a cab, she dreaded going back to the empty house, the evening stretching out before her, boring and empty. She yawned and put her head back on the dirty seat, closing her eyes. Drinking another bottle of wine and reading more Marie diaries was a possibility. For a brief second, Sandra forgot where she was when the cab driver stopped at the subway station.

“Here’s your stop, lady,” he said, turning around in his seat when she didn’t move to get out.
Right.
She got the fare from her purse and handed it over. “Watch your step.”
Maybe I had too much champagne.
She got out of the cab, stumbling as she navigated the stairs into the tunnel.

She didn’t have to worry about killing time that night because she went home and fell asleep at six, sleeping through the night. On Sunday, she woke up with a headache that lasted all day. Tom took Miranda to Virginia’s for Sunday dinner, and Sandra stayed in bed.

“Are you coming down with something?” he asked.

“I must be; I can barely lift my head off the pillow. I feel like I’ve been drugged.”

Monday morning, she would wake up exhausted and out of sorts, but would make it to work on time. Feeling badly enough to stay home, she had to go in regardless because Brent was supposed to be there.

***

Ashton took a bus back to Manhattan Sunday morning. Hailing a cab from Port Authority, he promised himself that if he ever went upstate again with the intention of killing someone, he’d hire a car.

After the lush green quiet of the cabin, the city was dirty and gray. Standing on the sidewalk looking up, his apartment building was cold and sterile. He turned around toward the river, but it left him empty.
Maybe when I get inside
, he thought. But the elevator was not functioning, and he had to walk up eight flights of stairs. By the time he was at his door, his expectations were impossibly high. The minute he walked through the door, he knew something was wrong. It was dusty and musty smelling from being unoccupied. The kitchen light he always left on was off.
Ted must have been here.
Turning around, he saw that Ted’s Julia Child cookbooks,
The Art of French Cooking
, were missing from the shelf above the stove. The space left was gaping, and the other cookbooks had fallen over where the two large volumes had been. Ashton quickly walked into their shared bedroom, and Ted’s special pillow was gone. He’d removed the few clothes left, the dresser drawers empty.

In the den, three bookshelves had large empty spaces, and the books left behind were on their side or falling over. Framed photos of Ted and his aunt Dale and mother and father were missing. Ashton plunked down on the couch and put his head in his hands. Not able to cry any longer, resigned that his relationship with Ted was over, Ashton knew there was nothing he wanted to do about it. He thought of Natalie and Deborah and Zach. Would they still want to see him? Deborah had stayed out of sight while he was at the cabin, and he was afraid to seek her out, regretful that he’d hurt her feelings. Zach never really wanted to be around him, preferring Ted’s company.

Reconciliation with Ted was out of the question because Ashton was too tired to try any longer. The effort it took to make a troubled marriage work at their age seemed overwhelming. He thought of the way they met, how it seemed like serendipity. All the fun they’d had for the first year came to a crashing halt when Deborah came on the scene. Ted seemed almost relieved; entertaining his daughter and her mother occupied most of Ashton’s time, leaving Ted alone.
Well, he would be getting his wish.
He would be alone for good.

Natalie and Deborah uttered a sigh of relief when Ashton announced he was heading back to the city. “As much as I would love to stay, I didn’t bring any of my stuff with me. If you’d like, I’ll come back next weekend.”

Neither woman wanted him to come back, but Natalie smiled and said, “Sure, let us know if you’re coming, and we’ll shop.” Ben was kind enough to drop him off at the bus stop.

After the car pulled away, the tension in the room evaporated. “I need some down time,” Natalie said. “I never realized being in a relationship was so exhausting.”

“Is everything going to be okay between you and Ben?” Deborah asked.

“No. We will be friends, maybe. I think he’s lived in the woods for too long.” The women separated, retreating to their bedrooms to recuperate.

“Okay, well, I’ll see you later. I need to hibernate for a while,” Deborah called over her shoulder. As soon as she got to her room, she dialed Ted’s number.

“Ashton’s on his way home,” she said when he answered.

“Did your mother fill you in?”

“No, but she said you had something to tell me.”

“I left the apartment,” he said. “Natalie said I can live with her until I find another place.”

“Dad, I’m so sorry,” Deborah said. “I feel responsible.”

“Well, don’t,” Ted answered. “I’ve found his narcissism becoming harder to deal with. It’s for the best, believe me.”

“It’ll be easier for me to visit you if you’re living together,” she said, giggling.

“I don’t expect her to let me stay here forever, so we better not get used to it,” Ted replied. “Just until I find a place.”

“Dad, this might make it easier for all of us to live together. We just talked about it. Don’t do anything rash.”

Ted chuckled. “I won’t. But
all of us living together
? I don’t know about that.” They chatted a while longer before declaring that they loved each other, hanging up.

Natalie and Ted living together would be fun and interesting, Deborah decided. Nestling down in bed, she reached for a novel Ashton had recommended to her. If she never had to see him again, she’d be happy.

Chapter 29

Pam paced in Lisa’s kitchen with Megan on her hip, trying to decide what her best course of action should be. Lisa shouldn’t have to be alone, but Pam didn’t think staying in the house was in her best interest in case Dan showed up. She had no idea if Lisa had been in contact with him or not.

Lisa was driving her guests to a department store so Annabelle could get pajamas and a toothbrush. The ladies were ecstatic about going along, enjoying every second they were away from Eagle’s Nest in spite of the sadness surrounding their freedom.

“I feel guilty about having such a good time,” Nelda whispered.

Lisa heard her. “Noni, don’t feel guilty. If anyone should feel guilt, it’s me. But the walls are closing in on me, and I think it would be good to get out for a while.”

Pam noticed that she was flushed and bright-eyed, evidence she’d been crying for some time.

While they were out shopping, Gladys Ford called with the internment details. The funeral would fall on the same day as Jack’s, Tuesday morning.

“Gladys, I’m so sorry about Ed,” Pam said. “I can’t imagine what you are going through.”

“It happened so fast,” she cried. “Our firstborn!”

Pam felt dizzy listening to Gladys’ sad story. Still holding Megan, she had to sit down, feeling her way along the counter to the stool while Gladys talked about Ed, sharing details of his life that shed light on the problems he and Lisa had. Pam felt sick as she spoke. Because she had lost Jack, Pam could empathize with her daughter, knowing that as sad as it was to lose a husband, Lisa would be okay.

Listening to Gladys, however, the devastation of losing a child impossible to comprehend, put Ed’s death in a different light. It was too sad. His parents would never get over it. Suddenly, Pam broke down. She held onto little Megan and sobbed while Gladys spoke about
Little Eddie
wanting to be an alter boy, and what it meant to the family to see him serving God every Sunday.

“When he told us he wanted to enter the priesthood, we were shocked. It was such an honor for us to have our firstborn become a priest! We were heartbroken when he left, but then Lisa came along. One of the first things we said the day we met her, she was sitting next to Ed at our kitchen table, and Big Ed said, ‘Now maybe we’ll get some grandchildren.’ Thank God for Lisa. Thank God for Megan. They are such blessings.”