30 Days (4 page)

Instead of gushing love and romance he’d tell me
we’re a good match
. Never I love you. No compliments. I missed the romance secretly, but figured as he grew emotionally over the years he’d become more affectionate and better at expressing feelings. I was twenty five when we married, he was twenty six, and we were young with plenty of time to grow together.

Expressing feelings did start to become easier for him after we married but they were feelings of animosity and rage. Lashing out at me verbally. Hateful words used to cut me down to size. Snide remarks about me and how disappointing and pathetic I was. I let it all slide for so long that eventually when I realized -shit- he kind of is abusive, it was too late to stick up for myself. At least I thought it was. I was so beaten down I didn't know who I was anymore.
Words can cut things that are unseen.
I started believing the bullshit he spewed at me. I am ugly. I am disappointing. I am lazy. I am bitchy. I am worthless. I offer no value in this life. I don’t do anything right.

After a year or so he started with more violent stuff. Not hitting
me,
but when dinner wasn’t up to his expectations swiping his arm across the table scattering the place settings and food onto me and the floor. He’d humiliate me, removing all the towels from the bathroom forcing me to walk naked to the bedroom to get dressed or kicking the door open while I’m on the toilet. Twice he’s thrown a glass at me but missed thank God. I’m scared of him a lot. My fingertips are holding onto the cracks in our foundation,
and I know that I should let go, but I can't.

When I was laid off from my job this year it was the last straw for him. Two weeks into my unemployment he laid into me.
You are so fuckin’ worthless Elle. What are we going to do, live in poverty?
Ha! Poverty. Hardly. He makes a decent salary and for any couple that should be enough to sustain us for a while until I find another job but apparently we were white trash now. I, of course, still contribute to the household, I have my hefty inheritance to fall back on. My inheritance is what we fight most about.

I do everything I can think of to try and please him but nothing makes him happy. I try being extra good, loving and sweet. I try doing all the little things he likes. The only adjective he uses to describe anything is ‘tolerable’. Nothing is ever wonderful or amazing...just tolerable. He is a  miserable, angry, negative person. We fight frequently and although our arguments never resolved he goes on acting as if things are fine. It’s frustrating. I’m sensitive. I’m a feeler. I’m emotional. His way of life goes against every grain of my being. I want to talk things out. I want to feel things. It’s been years of this now.

I live with a mean stranger who expects me to put out. It disgusts me but I give it to him without argument. If I’m lucky he’s quick and I can go to sleep. People wonder how it happens. How you can be an independent, bright young woman and wind up in an abusive relationship. My home life must have been poor or I’m mental and think I deserve his treatment. We slid and slipped into this relationship. I didn't see it coming until it was too late. I had wonderful parents who were loving and encouraging to both my sister and I. My parents are probably rolling over in their graves right now.

PRESENT

DAY 4

I can hear knocking at the door but I’m in the shower. No one knocks at my door. I speed my shower along, hop out and wrap a towel around myself while shuffling towards the door. I open it and no one is there. Grumbling with irritation that I cut my morning shower short only to have missed whoever was at the door I notice a small rectangular box near my feet. I bring it inside and put it on the counter. I’m not sure I want to open it. But only Colin knows I’m here so who else could it be from. I pull the lid off the box. Two movie tickets and a note.

Meet me tonight?

The thoughtfulness of what he’s just done takes my breath away. He’s made it clear that he’s vulnerable, something I’m not sure I can do. I pick up one of the movie tickets.
Searching for Sonny
. I have no idea what it’s about but something tells me that he picked something he thought I would enjoy. I grab my prepaid cell which so far only has Joe Jowett’s number programmed in it and dial Colin’s number.

“Hello?” He answers breathing heavily, out of breath.

“Is this a bad time Colin?”

“Elle?!”

“Yes.” I answer.

“No, I was just working out.”

“Why’d you answer your phone in the middle of a workout?”

“In case it was you calling.” I can hear his smile through the phone.

“That sounds like a bad pickup line you know that right?” I tease.

“Did it work?”

“Well, I was calling to say that I’d like to see the movie, so I’ll be there. I guess, yeah, it worked.” I chuckle.

“Excellent! So, what’s on your list today Elle?” Surprised that he remembers or wants to know I glance over at the list and scan down. “Start a conversation with a stranger.” I answer.

“Hmm, so does ordering popcorn at the movies count?”

“No.” I laugh. “More like, walk up to a random person and ask how their day is going or what they do for work. Something that would spark an actual conversation.” I explain.

“What’s up with this list anyways?” He prods.

“Maybe I’ll explain it later, you should finish your workout.”

“Ok. I’ll see you tonight at seven then?”

“I’ll be there.”  We both say goodbye at the same time making things awkward for a moment. Neither one of us wanting to hang up first. I end up hitting the off button on my phone just to stop the insanity.

With that out of the way, I decide to head up to one of the little cafes that has outdoor seating and enjoy a coffee while picking out who to start a conversation with. It’s a gorgeous cloudless day out. I decide on a cute little coffee shop with some patio sets on the sidewalk called The Freaky Bean. I have my coffee in hand as a scan people passing by. A woman plops down at the table next to me book and coffee in hand. When our eyes meet she gives me a small smile which I return. I watch as she sips her coffee and enjoys her book completely oblivious to her surroundings. Her chin length blonde hair shines in the sun making it look like she has a halo. She periodically tucks a stray chunk of hair behind her ear as she reads.

“Excuse me?” I offer softly. Her head pops up. “What are you reading?”

“The Life List.” She holds the book up so I can see the cover.

“Is it good?” I ask.

“It’s very good.”

“Why?” My question seems to confuse or startle her, I can't tell which.

“It’s real. It’s true. It doesn't gloss over any of the harsh realities of life. I guess because it’s brutally honest.”

“Will you tell me what it’s about?” I push.

“It’s about a woman who thinks she has the life she’s always wanted until she meets a stranger at a bar who... sparks her life light again. But she’s married and has to make some seriously tough decisions to make. She has to find herself again. And, to do that she has to hurt people she loves and herself a bit in the process. It’s very moving.” She pauses. “But she does it. Scary or not she pushes through and takes control of her life- her happiness.”

“It sounds fantastic. I might have to read it.” I smile.

“I should finish it in the next few days....if you like, you could borrow it when I’m done. I come here every Friday morning.” Her offer astounds me. Pure kindness. I’m a stranger and she’s offering something to me for nothing. Simply because I took the time to indulge her.

“I’d like that very much. Thank you. I’m Elle.”

“Jenna. Nice to meet you.” She sets her book down to shake my hand.

“Well Jenna, I’m off, but I’ll see you here next Friday?”

“It’s a date.” Her smile is warm and genuine and I feel a strange sense of accomplishment for taking the time to talk to her. Such a small act that resulted in unexpected happiness and kindness.

As I meander back to the cottage I wonder what my life would have been like if I hadn’t met Ryan. Would I appreciate this list and the things on it still? The small things in life that free, happy people probably experience all the time. Maybe I wouldn’t think to reach out and try these things because they would be common place, taken for granted. All I know is that this is my second chance at life and I’m living it to the fullest. I am not Ryan’s prisoner anymore. I have no one to worry about but myself and my own happiness.

I walk up to the theater at six forty five and Colin is already waiting for me. He’s leaning against the brick exterior watching my approach. His gaze burns like a physical touch
and my belly tightens in anticipation. Just the sight of him starts a fire blazing in the pit of my stomach. I smile lifting my hand to wave and his grin widens exposing that sexy dimple.

“Elle.” He greets. His voice has
hoarseness to it. I can feel it’s rumble vibrate through me. His arm snakes around my waist and pulls me into a hug. I can feel every rock hard inch of him pressing into me.

“Hi Colin.” I push out of his embrace slightly and look up to his handsome face.

“You ready?” He asks.

“Yes. Let’s go.” A hand slips to my lower back as he guides me into the theater. I reach into my pocket pulling out the tickets and hand them to him.

When we finally file into the theater he
lets me pick where we sit and as we both settle into our seats he takes my hand and laces his fingers through mine. The contact seems so intimate. Gentle and kind and sweet. Emotions blow through me like a tornado. I’m not sure what I’m doing. I can't make a life with him. I’m married. I’m hiding until I can truly be free. I feel guilt for leading him on but I can't seem to tear my hand from his. I don't know why but I feel like I need him.

The movie’s about three friends who find themselves suspects in a murder mystery at their ten-year high school reunion. Ironically, the events surrounding the disappearance of their friend Sonny, is reminiscent of a high school play they once performed, coincidentally written by Sonny himself. It’s light and funny and just right for a first date. Not too romantic and not too action flick. By the time it’s over we’re laughing and discussing which parts were best.

Colin is fantastic company. We walk back to his apartment which is close to the theater. It’s neat and tidy which surprises me. His furniture is well worn and he
swears
it’s the next thing on his list of things to purchase. He has matching plates, glasses, and silverware which outside of the fact that he’s actually decorated his apartment a bit makes it even less of the bachelor pad I was expecting. We spend the next four hours sitting on his couch talking about any and everything. He loves animals, hates politics, is thirty one, co-owns the gym he trains at, loves to read, listens to good music and wants kids someday. He surprises me with his openness.

We share our dreams with each other. Our conversation happens naturally. His dreams are so similar to mine that I think he’s fibbing just to keep us talking. But when I poke and prod him for details that come from really thinking about certain things you want out of life he has answers for them all. We talk about how lucky he is to work for himself and how that’s what I strive to do someday. How much I love flowers and want to run a florist shop. He thinks it’s a great idea. What it would be like to have kids. What kind of parents we hope to be. I tell him about wanting to own a small house on the beach someday because I love the sound of the water. He tells me that he’s been
saving for that for the last few years.

My gut occasionally clenches telling me not to trust these feelings I’m inundated with. That Ryan too was easy going in the beginning, but the further we venture in our conversation the more my distrust slips away. We’re snuggled on the couch together, the conversation quieting as we both grow tired. I’m wedged between his legs, his front to my back.

“So do you have any brothers? Sisters?” He asks softly. The question shouldn't surprise me but I wasn't prepared for it and I gasp.

“What?” He worries.

“Nothing. No. I don't have any family.” I murmur quickly.

“Were you immaculately concepted?” He jokes.

“How funny.” I say flatly. “and I was hoping for a battle of wits but you appear to be unarmed.” His laugh fills the silence and brings a smile to my face.

“How about you?” I ask.

“Only child.” He shrugs and yawns. “My parents live in Arizona.”

“I should go. You’re tired.” His arms draw around my middle squeezing gently as his head rests on my shoulder. “Stay.” He breaths in my ear. A shiver starts at my neck and runs down through my legs. “We’ll just sleep.” He murmurs as if sensing my hesitation.