34 Seconds (35 page)

“Rebecca,” I said, trying not to cry. “Slow down. First. I’m trying to take this all in. Will gave me his guitar. I don’t need anything else. The rest is yours.” I felt Dad’s hand on my back. I also felt uneasy, so I wasn’t sure if he was trying to steady me or trying to tell me silently to shut up and let Rebecca talk.

“Hon, it’s yours. You do what you want with it. I think it’s stuff from when you and Will,” she paused, looked down, wrung her hands together, “when you and Will were together. One of the boxes says MA on it. At first I thought it was something from his mother, but now I think it means Massachusetts. I don’t know. You can do what you want, toss it all if you’d like, but it’s yours. Yours and Will’s. And he’s not here anymore.” A sole tear streamed down her cheek.

I took her hand in mine, “Of course, honey. I know everyone is planning on coming over after they leave here. Maybe I can stay later, help you clean up after everyone is gone, and then you can give me the box.”

“Boxes,” Rebecca said as she walked away toward her car.

“Boxes,” I said as I looked at my Dad. “How about if I take you back to your house, and then I’ll head over there. Unless you want fried chicken and potato salad and whatever else people bring to these things, I can only imagine you don’t want to be there.”

He nodded at me, leaned down to kiss the top of my head and said, “You’re right. But a plate of fried chicken doesn’t sound too bad. Maybe you can bring a plate home if there’s enough. I know you’re all shrimped out from dinner yesterday, so make sure you get something to eat for yourself.”

Chapter Twenty-Two

I dropped Dad off at his house, ran inside to freshen up my makeup after another afternoon of crying, and then headed back down the road with too many speed bumps. About halfway down the road, I realized I didn’t have any food to bring. I stopped for several minutes at one speed bump, wondering if I should turn around in someone’s driveway and head to the store or to Molly’s to get a tray of food. After staring out at the water for a few minutes, I decided to keep driving. In this case, Rebecca wasn’t a family the community was trying to feed after everyone left. Rebecca would probably be the only one in the house after the reception. It was part of her deal. She married Will, was his caregiver before he died, and for all she did for him, she got his house. I just drove ahead. I was a part of this experience, too. And I was going back into that house for the last time. Going in the house again wasn’t going to be easy. I feared walking out with boxes of Will’s belongings just might break me. My new Takamine guitar was still here along with Will’s memories and whatever else he wanted me to have.

I parked at the pool, stood along the slick fence covered in green algae or mold and stared beyond the pool toward the Chesapeake Bay. I couldn’t control the tears flowing freely from my eyes. I knew I had to walk down to Will’s house, but what I really wanted was some time alone to reflect. Find a door I could close on the experience, the life out there, and on Will all together. Instead I heard a door close behind me and someone quietly walk up to me.

“Hey, sweetie, I saw you and your Dad at the service today, but I didn’t want to bother you. How ya doing, hon?” Liza said with her arms out, ready to embrace me as soon as she got to me.

I didn’t say anything in response, just let her take me into her arms as I sank to the ground. So much for fresh makeup. I let loose. I’d had Rebecca. I’d had Brian. I’d had my Dad and Chris over the phone, but for the first time in days I felt comfort in someone I knew so well and let everything I’d held in out to breathe for the first time since pulling into town.

“Oh, Liza,” I said as I looked up. “I know you came by with food for us. I didn’t even get to say hello then. I cannot believe everything I’ve been through. No. I can’t believe everything that’s happened these past few days.” As I sobbed, my whole body shook. Liza sat on the moist ground with me practically in her lap and held me. “He’s gone, Liza, he’s gone. And I haven’t spoken to him in months.” I paused. “No. He spoke to me when I first got here. And he pushed my face and told the nurse to ‘get this away from me.’ Meaning me of course. I can’t believe all that’s happened. I can’t believe he’s gone. And I can’t believe I’m heading back to a life I created, one I love, and I will never hear his voice again. Liza, he’s gone.”

I let my sobs do the speaking for me. And Liza, being a woman who had known me for years, knew to just be there for me. We sat for about ten minutes, and then I laughed. “My butt is wet.”

I looked up at Liza, who was wiping a silent tear from her cheek. “Mine has been wet since we decided this was a good place to set it, my butt that is. Nothing’s ever really dry out here, you know that.”

We looked at each other, mascara running, cheeks red, lips swollen, and laughed. Liza laid back into the grass and laughed harder. “This is what you need to get out, Nikki. Let it out. Laugh. Be free. Will is free. Free from cancer. Free from pain. Be free, Nikki. Free to laugh.” Liza sat up with two handfuls of grass and threw the grass in the air above our heads.

I laughed, but then got up, shook out my hair, wiped off the back of my dress, and held out my hand to Liza. She took it, still giggling, and got up. “I guess we should head on down to the house then, huh?” Liza said. With that, we started walking. I didn’t look back to the pool. I knew I’d never look at the same pool again. But I also knew my memories didn’t lie in a chlorine pool with mossy stumps around it and a moldy fence. My memories were with a salt water pool, young adults, and laughter. That pool only made me sad. The pool in my mind made me smile. The salt water pool where Will still smiled a young vibrant smile.

I held the door for Liza when we got to Will’s house, feeling happy I’d run into her. Other than Brian, I wasn’t sure who else I’d know there. I assumed Rebecca and Will had their own circle of friends. I hadn’t lived here for many years, and of course I was still hoping Rebecca’s family was among the crowd I saw gathered in the sunroom.

“Hey, Rebecca,” I said as I walked up behind her. She turned, and I hugged her.

“Hey, sweetie. I want you to meet my mom. I know she’d like to meet you. Oh, I’m so glad you are here.” Rebecca took my hand and led me across the room. I smiled to myself. Her mother was there. I hoped she could see what I saw in Rebecca, a woman I barely knew, and feel some pride for what she did for another person. My love for Will was never ending, but I hadn’t been in a position to marry him for years. In the end, he was with his wife, a woman who cared for him, took him to treatments, hospitals, doctors’ appointments, and probably did various things at home none of us would know about. I may have seen the end of Will’s journey, but it probably wasn’t the worst of it. Rebecca was the one there for those difficult moments. The private times we’d never know existed. Except I knew, because I saw so much more than I ever thought I’d see.

“Mom,” Rebecca called quietly in a group of people talking together. “Mom, come here,” she beckoned.

“Hi, sweetie,” Rebecca’s mom said as she walked over to us and put her arm around Rebecca’s waist. She smiled at me and nodded in a quiet hello.

“Mom, I want you to meet Nikki. She was a very good friend of Will’s and has been with me the past several days. I don’t know how I would have gotten through all of this without her.”

“Hi,” I said, with a weak smile. I wasn’t comfortable with everything Rebecca had just said about me, and I didn’t even know the woman’s name, so all I could come up with was a simple greeting.

“Well, hello to you, my dear. I do think Rebecca has mentioned your name to me. Nikki, you say? I’m Gina. It’s such a pleasure to meet you. And thank you for being here for my Becca. I’m sure she needed a good friend during this time. Do you live around here, dear?”

“No, ma’am. I live in Colorado. I grew up here, and met Will when we were teenagers. We’ve been…we were friends for a long time,” I said quietly again. I hadn’t said ma’am to anyone since I was probably eight years old. Clearly I was nervous, but I had no idea why. I also didn’t know what Gina knew about me. Or about Will for that matter. It took me some time to develop respect, care, and almost love for Rebecca, but I sensed I would never find respect for her mother.

“Well, Colorado sure is a long ways away. Surely you didn’t just come out here for this, didcha?” Gina looked down at me through the top of her glasses. She reminded me of a school teacher scolding her student in a condescending way.

“Mom. Will wanted her here.” Rebecca saved me from punching her mother and having to explain anything to her. Yes, I left my husband and two small daughters 1800 miles away to come and watch my ex-lover die.

“I’ll be leaving tomorrow. I’m very sad about Will. But I do need to get back home.” I hoped it would be enough for her to move on from the conversation. I didn’t want to give her the benefit of seeing me cry over Will and know I had a family back home. I could just hear the berating she’d give me for having feelings and Rebecca for allowing someone else into her web of a deceitful marriage.

“Oh, I see,” Gina said. “Now, dahhling,” Gina’s attentions were now directed to her daughter. “People are bringing food over. You know, that’s what they do for families after funerals. Do you have someone in the kitchen setting up?”

“No, Mom, I don’t. I haven’t been able to see beyond my face lately. I’ve been greeting pe-”

Gina cut her off. “Well, people need to eat, my love. I’ll go put things out for people to eat. Once they eat at these things, they usually head on home. And I’m not staying down here tonight. So I’ll need to be heading back to Alexandria within a couple a hours, you know.” Gina walked away for what appeared to be playing hostess after funeral visitation.

“Sorry, about her, doll,” Rebecca said to me. I could tell by one meeting that Rebecca’s mother had spent a lifetime cutting her daughter down. “She’s in her own little world most days. And her world consists of art gallery openings, charity events, and country club dinners. She has no idea what the people of this town do, how they survive without a stoplight, and I think she even wonders why we all bother getting out of bed in the morning if we don’t have the poor to serve like she does with all of her extravagant charity events. Of course she wouldn’t know what the poor looked like if they kicked her in the chin and asked her for a can of soup.” Rebecca laughed. I suddenly liked her more. In different circumstances, we could have been friends.

I laughed and hugged her again. “I hope we can stay in touch, girl. I’m liking you!” We both laughed, then hugged again acknowledging it was not only good to laugh but also okay.

We walked around the sunroom saying “hello” and “thank you” to people we saw. As much as I hadn’t wanted to play the supportive role for Rebecca earlier at the funeral home, after meeting her mother, I found I fit right into the role and was pretty good at it too. After about fifteen minutes, Gina brought us both plates filled with macaroni and cheese and fried chicken with a buttery southern biscuit on the side. I didn’t see a single vegetable, and it so felt good. This was what we needed, down home southern comfort food. We took our plates into the formal living room and each sat on a white couch. I laughed, causing Rebecca to turn toward me with her plate in her lap and a questioning look on her face. No one else was in the room, so my laughter felt completely inappropriate and loud.

“What?” Rebecca asked with her head cocked to the side like a puppy.

“Oh nothing,” I started but then changed my mind. “Well, these couches. They were forbidden back in the day. When Will’s grandfather was here, this was a parlor like room where no one was allowed to be. I always wondered if something had happened in the room, because I couldn’t imagine not using an entire room in the house.”

Rebecca laughed again. “Oh my! I had no idea! I read in here all the time. Will never said anything. But,” she took a bite of macaroni and cheese, then laughed again. I was afraid the white couch was going to have a yellow stain on it. “Come to think of it, I never saw Will in here either.” We both laughed again. We were cleansing. And it felt good. “I think it’s my new party room.” More laughter. “No, I probably won’t party, I’m not a party kind of girl, but it is close to the kitchen, so maybe it will be my new living room. I can put the TV up there,” she was looking around the room through a square she’d made with her fingers. “I don’t know,” she said, putting her hands back on the plate balanced on her lap. “I just know it won’t be a room off limits.” She looked down at her food. I could tell her mind was wandering.

“You okay?” I asked.

“Yeah. You know. I hadn’t really even thought about it. I don’t know what I’m going to do with this house. I love this town. I love the house. So I’ll live here. For a while at least. It’s only worth about $200,000. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining, it’s nice. But for waterfront, it needs a lot of updating, so it’s not worth the price of waterfronts in the area. If I decided to sell one day, it would be enough to get me going, but I think I’ll stay.” She took a bite of her chicken, then looked up at me as she wiped a tear from the corner of her eye. “You know I was a waitress when we met. I haven’t worked in almost two years. I’m set up okay, financially, you know. But I don’t know what I’ll do for work when I have to go back to it.”

“Oh, honey,” I leaned forward and put my hand on her knee almost dumping my plate onto the white couch. “Oh, shit!” We laughed again. Once I was composed, with two hands on my plate, I continued. “I haven’t worked in years either. I guess giving up my career was easy because I traded it to become a mom, but if something happened, I’d have to go back, too.” I stopped and looked at her. “I’m sorry. I…I’m just…well, I mean, I still have Chris, of course. I’m sorry. That was a callous thing to say.”

“No, doll. It wasn’t. You can relate. I understand. I don’t know what I’d do if I had kids. But I don’t, so in a way, my situation is easier than if you were to lose Chris. It’s just me here. The house is owned outright. I just need to keep up with it, pay utilities and taxes, and I can live here as long as I want, I guess.” We both got quiet. Hearing about Rebecca’s financials wasn’t top on my list, and I think she finally felt the discomfort in the air. Maybe one day we could be good friends, especially after all we shared during the time we shared Will. But at the moment, I didn’t want to know personal things about her and Will. She broke our silence with, “He really loved you, you know. He talked about you a lot.”