34 Seconds (37 page)

“Colorado.” I said to no one again. “Rocky Mountains. Rocks, stones, landlocked. I’m going home again. Finally.”

No one replied.

Kentucky brought me one bathroom break and a cup of coffee. While sitting in the parking lot sweetening the bitter coffee, I stared at the CDs spread out across the passenger seat. They looked like a deck of cards, all fanned out on the seat.

“Aces wild,” I said to no one again as I put the car in reverse and backed out of the parking lot. It did dawn on me I might be losing my mind. I had gone from talking to myself to talking to a pile of CDs I thought were a deck of cards.

The satellite radio was changed to a channel playing singer/songwriter music from the ‘70s. I sang along to every song for over an hour until the DJ started talking too long and my mind began to wander back to Stingray Bay Hills, Will’s house, Rebecca, and everything that lay before me on the road ahead. My girls had probably changed so much I wouldn’t recognize them. I thought it would probably take me days to see all the new things they did and said. I stayed in my mind for a while, tuning out the radio, and thinking of my girls and Chris.

The last time I talked to Emily, she told me they had seen a car accident in town and there were fire trucks everywhere, but also some police cars too. She was so excited, but then said, “Mommy, I guess they didn’t have a potty chair in their car like we do!” It took me a few moments to realize what she was talking about and how the conversation had gone from a car accident to a potty chair. But then I realized to my four year old, an accident meant not making it to the potty in time. I laughed, asked her about the fire trucks, and she picked up the conversation again. I couldn’t imagine several fire trucks coming to our house each time she didn’t make it to the potty on time, but in her little mind, an accident was just an accident, and if it happened to bring fire trucks, then well, maybe everyone needed a potty chair inside their car. Kids are amazing. I smiled through Indiana thinking of my girls. I could see their little smiles. The way Bella’s hair curls right at the tips. Emily’s little fingers wrapped around her sister’s smaller hands as if she was the biggest kid in the world and would do anything to protect her baby sister. It was June. Emily would be turning five years old soon. She would be heading to Kindergarten in the fall. Christmas would come, Santa would shower them with gifts, stuffed bunnies, maybe a doll house for Bella, books for Emily to begin reading. Life would go on indeed. Without Will. We’d all move on. We all had purpose. Mine had been my family for the past several years. My husband. My girls. They needed their mother. And after being away so long, greeting death in the face, even if it wasn’t my own, I knew more than ever, I breathed for them. I needed them more than I ever knew.

The rain started just a few miles into Illinois. I was getting tired. I’d been on the road for over twelve hours and had only munched on a few treats from Starbucks and a fast food lunch. I was craving some vegetables and fruit. Anything fresh and not processed or fast. I decided to stop at the next exit and grab a salad for dinner and call Chris.

“Mommy! Daddy said you’re home!” Bella sounded like she had sucked on a helium balloon. Her voice sounded so small, but at the same time, she sounded different. Bigger. Older even.

“Hey, Babydoll! I miss you so much! I am not home yet. But I am coming home. I think I should be home tomorrow. Maybe around dinner time. Maybe you and Emily can help Daddy make all of us a special dinner. Can you do that?” My heart filled. I smiled, I felt alive. I was going home. I was going to see those babies, and I wasn’t going to leave them again for as long as I had.

I got quiet. I was feeling again. Happiness. Sadness for being so far away, for being gone so long. I couldn’t speak. And no one was on the line.

“Bell? Bella Boo…are you there?” I was talking to no one again.

A few minutes went by, but I didn’t want to hang up. I could still hear household noise. I was still connected to my family. Tears streamed down my cheeks, and I hadn’t even realized they were coming from my eyes.

“Hey, hon, are you there?” Chris picked up the phone.

I sniffed. “Yeah, I’m here.” Suddenly I was wiping my cheeks as if he was looking at me.

“Sorry about that. I was in the kitchen, and Bella set the phone in her bedroom. I guess she was done talking. How’s the drive? Where abouts are you?”

“I’m in Illinois. I just got here. I think if I remember correctly Illinois isn’t a long drive. I’m getting tired, but I just ate a salad from a deli I found, and I grabbed some apples and a banana, so I think I’m going to go a few more hours. Maybe go until bedtime so I don’t have any down time in the hotel. Maybe I can roll in and drop into bed. Can you look around online for something about four hours away and book it?”

“Sure. I’ll go do it as soon as I get the girls’ dinner. We’re doing something easy tonight, and tomorrow I’ll cook something good for you. Sorry, hon, but let me go so I can get them food and then get you a hotel. I’ll call you with an exit about four hours away and a hotel confirmation.”

“Okay. Thanks, Chris. I’ll wait to hear from you. Try to get me as close to St. Louis as possible. Well, I don’t even know how far away that is. I guess it’s probably more than four hours. I wish I could get on the west side of St. Louis so I don’t have to go through the city first thing in the morning.”

“I’ll take a look at a map, see how far away you are now and get back to you. I love you, Nikki.”

“Love you too, Chris.”

“Stay safe, I’ll call within the hour.” And with that, Chris hung up. Before the phone clicked off, I could hear him calling Emily. I would have to find a way to thank him, to recognize all he’d done those days I was gone. I had no idea how I would ever convey my appreciation to him.

After some healthier foods and a large bottle of water, I was ready to put in a few more hours of driving. I felt energized. My family was waiting for me to come home. I had a place to go where I was loved. And needed. I was feeling validated. I was feeling something. Finally after feeling numb for so long, I was feeling something. Smiling, I reached down and blindly grabbed a CD off the seat next to me. I pressed Load on the CD player, inserting it while driving away.

Will’s voice filled the car. My heart sank, but I smiled. I thought how much I would like to sit in a quiet room on the floor with my eyes closed and have his voice fill me. But I was driving, so eye closing wasn’t an option. But I knew I could let his voice in.

Chris called me back within the hour, “Good news, hon. Four hours takes you beyond St. Louis. I can get you to Columbia, Missouri. There’s a Hampton Inn there waiting for me to call back and confirm. Without stops and traffic, it’s about four hours. Can you manage, or do you want me to look for something closer to you now?”

“Book it!” I was excited. I’d have a bed. I’d roll into it before midnight, hopefully find sleep and the next day I’d be home.

“Check check, Nik. Gotta go call them back. Call me if you get tired beforehand, otherwise, call me when you get there and get checked in. Love you.”

“Love you too. Thank you, Chris.”

I hung up the phone and turned up the volume on the stereo. Will was singing songs I had never heard. He’d laugh in the middle of the song and say something like, ‘Huh hehe, try that one again,’ then start it over. It sounded like a fun recording done at home. I wondered if the discs were labeled with dates. I had no idea when this was recorded, I just knew they weren’t songs from years ago, and they weren’t the few songs from recent years I’d heard.

Listening to Will’s voice was mesmerizing. I drove in silence as his voice filled my heart through the speakers in the rental car. Before I knew it, I could see the lights of St. Louis ahead. When the CD ended, I picked up another and loaded it into the player. I realized then the car had a multi-disc changer. I don’t know how I missed it earlier, but I wasn’t ready for the CDs I had with me anyway earlier. Maybe in the morning I’d load up six discs and let them carry me to Boulder.

I was mesmerized in another song I didn’t know when it stopped suddenly, and I heard Will speak my name.

“Nikki Jay. This one is for you,” the disc said. I had listened through the city and almost missed my exit to interstate 270. I had almost forgotten the interstate runs north through the city or south through the city or around the city. I couldn’t remember which one to take. It had been years since I’d driven that cross-country drive. Quickly I decided to take I270, and it carried me back to I70. The change from I64 to I70 was a milestone. Interstate 70 would take me almost to Boulder. After leaving St. Louis, I looked at the clock and realized I’d been driving just over two hours. I was half way to my hotel. It was time for a bathroom break, my banana, and a bottle of water.

I found a fast food restaurant at the next exit, ran inside to use the bathroom and then bought an order of fries. Not the healthiest choice, but I hated just using the bathroom, and fries were tasty, even if not healthy. In the parking lot, I ate the fries, then peeled the banana, and drove away again. I didn’t realize until I started seeing signs for Columbia that the CD player didn’t start again when I started the car. I had been listening to satellite radio again and singing along to songs from the ‘70s for almost two hours.

The hotel was easy to find right off the exit. I parked the car, stood in the parking lot staring at the back seat filled with boxes and wondered if they’d be stolen overnight.

“Ugh!” I said to no one again, grabbed a bag with some overnight stuff, pajamas, and one outfit for the next day, slammed the door as if to dare anyone nearby to go near the car and walked inside the hotel. My room was on the third floor on the backside of the building. That told me they weren’t a busy hotel since I’d had reservations for just a few hours and got the quiet side of the building.

Before I could even get my cell phone out of my bag, it rang. I dug through my purse looking for it and managed to answer before Chris hung up.

“Hey!” I said, almost out of breath.

“Hey, you,” Chris said. “Where are you? Getting close to the hotel?”

“I’m actually getting close to the bed. I just got to the hotel, and I’m beat. I don’t think I realized just how tired I was until I got out of the car and in sight of a bed.”

“Oh, good. I’m glad you made it. And it looks like you made good time too. Hey, I won’t keep you. Why don’t you get some sleep and get on home to us, okay?” Chris sounded tired himself.

“I think I will wash my face, brush my teeth, as long as I packed my toothbrush, and head to bed. Are you and the girls doing okay?”

“Yes, babe, everyone is fine. We all miss you. Get some sleep, and we’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Yep, tomorrow!” I perked up a bit, but then decided I was too tired for perky. “Okay, sweetie, I’m going to head to bed. I love you.”

“’Night, babe. I love you too. Call me in the morning when you hit the road. I’ll let you know where to meet me to drop off the rental car.”

“K. Goodnight.” I hung up and laid back onto the bed, rubbing my eyes.

***

“I’m so tired,” Will put his head down against my shoulder and snuggled.

“I am too. That was a long day. But beautiful. The weather was perfect. Thank you for taking me out on the water today. It feels like forever since I’ve been out there.”

“Nikki?” Will looked at me. He was crying. “Nikki. I took you out there today to enjoy space with you. To ride the sea inside your eyes. But everything is still as it is. I can’t be the man you need me to be.”

I was crying too. I knew what was coming. He took me out on his boat because I had shown up at his house and just asked him to take me sailing. So he did. I wasn’t sure if we had anything except a salty breeze in my hair and on my skin, but as soon as we got on the boat together, it felt natural. Real. Normal. We worked side by side getting the sails up, pulling and tying ropes, and then we sat down side by side and enjoyed the quiet of the bay.

“Will, you are everything I’ve ever wanted. Everything. You are beautiful. You are smart. You are funny. You are amazing. I love you so much.” I paused to wipe my nose and catch my breath. My chest hurt so badly. “I love you so much it hurts. It hurts me, Will, to see you hurting. I know you don’t want this. I know you love me. I can feel it. Tell me, Will. Tell me you still love me.” I was feeling desperate. “Tell me, Will. Fucking tell me already.” My voice was raised. I stood up, filled with hurt and anger. “Tell me. I know it’s true.”

Will stood up next to me, and put his arms around me. “I love you, Nikki Jay. You are my princess. You are my world. You fill me with summer and sunshine on the coldest of days.”

He sat back down and pulled me down with him. With his elbows on his knees, he held his face in his hands. His whole body was shaking. “I’m sorry, Nikki. I never should have done this today. I wanted to be with you just as much as you wanted to be with me.” Will looked at me, then turned his head and looked at the floor between his feet. “I won’t be here long enough to give you the life you want, Nik. I just won’t be able to do it.”

***

I sat up, jolted. I was still wearing my clothes, lying on the hotel bed. But there it was, in the front of my mind. Will tried to tell me. I walked away after he said those words, but I never thought about them again. I had known he would just keep telling me he couldn’t be the man I needed or wanted him to be, but he actually told me that day he wouldn’t be around long enough to be the man I needed in my life. I thought he just didn’t want to be married and have children, and I knew we were too young to make those decisions.

“He told me. He told me he wasn’t going to be here long enough to give me what I want. He thought he wouldn’t be living long enough to give me children when I wanted them, or raise them with me. He knew. And he told me. I didn’t hear it. Oh my God, Will. Did you send that dream to me? How in the world did I remember after all this time?” I got up and paced the room, found a clock, and realized it was only just after midnight. I had slept only just over an hour. I was wide awake. Aware. Mindful. For years it had been staring me in the face. And I ignored it.