A Baby for Easter (14 page)

Then he turned his head to meet her eyes. “Thank you for
saying that,” he murmured.

Alice smiled. “I’m just saying the truth. Nothing to thank
me for.”

“Yeah, there is.” He leaned down and brushed his lips very
lightly against hers.

A wave of feeling and excitement swept over her, and she
smiled even more against his mouth.

She wasn’t sure what she would have said—or if she’d have
managed to say anything—because their name was called just then.

As they were walking back, a young woman in a nurse’s outfit
down the hall gave a start when she saw Micah, as if his presence surprised
her. Then she smiled in a very significant way and winked at him as they past.

Alice looked back at the young woman, who was quite
attractive in a very made-up way, and then up at Micah. “Did you know her?” she
asked, since it seemed clear that the woman had known him.

Micah looked rather stiff, and he didn’t turn his eyes from
where they were focused directly in front of him. “No. I didn’t.”

Glancing back at the woman, who was still smiling in Micah’s
direction, Alice had serious doubts about whether that was true.

But it was none of her business, and Micah clearly didn’t
want to talk about it, so she let it go.

 
Cara did indeed have
an ear infection, and the doctor didn’t think it was at all strange that they
took her to see him that evening instead of waiting until the next day. So, fifteen
minutes later, Micah was paying the bill when Alice discovered that Cara needed
her diaper changed, so she took the baby into the women’s restroom to take care
of it.

She came out a few minutes later and saw that the woman
who’d winked at Micah before was now talking to him.

From his expression, he’d rather not be talking to her. He
looked frustrated and rather impatient. Then, as Alice watched, the woman put
her hand on Micah’s chest and stroked down.

A surge of possessive resentment surged through Alice—the
likes of which she’d never before experienced—and she had the sudden urge to go
rip that hand off Micah’s body.

But Micah moved the woman’s hand himself, straightening up
and walking away from her. He gave a little start when he saw Alice with Cara
in her arms, waiting.

“Ready?” Alice asked, a little too brightly.

“Yeah.”

Micah’s expression was a frozen mask as they left the
building and headed for the SUV. Unable to hold back the words, Alice said softly,
“So you did know her.”

“Not really. I hardly knew her at all.”

Alice was absolutely certain about who the woman was. Micah
must have had a one-night stand with her at some point in the past.

She didn’t like the idea. She didn’t like the idea of him being
with anyone but her. But it was a reality of who he was, and there was no going
back now.

He wasn’t the boy she’d known at summer camp. Not anymore.

Micah was peering at her face. “Are you…are you upset?”

She
was
upset, but
about so much more than that woman. Because just then it hit her with a
deafening blow that she loved Micah—the man he was now—more than she’d ever
loved the boy.

The knowledge rocked her. Took her breath away.

“Alice?” he asked, his voice cracking slightly. “Are you
okay?”

“Yeah,” she managed to say, although she wasn’t sure it was
true. She let out a breath and made herself move. “Let’s just get Cara home.”

When they got home, Cara was still fussy. They gave her a
bath and put on her pajamas and fed her a bottle. They gave her the baby
Tylenol the doctor told them to use and put a warm washcloth over her ear.

Eventually, she quieted down, and Micah carried her into the
room to put her to bed.

He was in there for a while, and Alice heard her fussing
some more, so she must not have been quite ready to sleep yet.

Exhausted from a long day and a long week and a revelation
that seemed to change everything, Alice curled up in the recliner as she waited
for him to come back. She listened as Cara’s fussing slowly waned.

She kept listening until she dozed off.

The next thing she was aware of was opening her eyes as her
body was adjusted. “Huh?” she mumbled, trying to figure out what was going on
and where she even was.

“Sorry,” Micah murmured. “Don’t wake up.”

Her eyes were so heavy that she took his words at face
value. She relaxed again, this time against him instead of against the leather.
She was warmer now, since his body was hot and his arm was around her. So she
just went back to sleep.

***

She was completely disoriented when
she woke up the next time.

She shifted, trying to stretch her cramped legs, and she
realized she was sprawled all over someone else—not a normal situation on
awakening.

She opened her eyes and lifted her head, and she realized she
was sleeping on Micah in the recliner.

Then she realized he was asleep too.

Instinctively, she tried to pull away to sit up, since she
felt overly vulnerable. But his arms tightened around her, and he mumbled out
some sort of an objection.

At least, it sounded like an objection, although she
couldn’t understand any words.

She managed to look at the time and saw that it was just
after midnight. “Micah,” she murmured. “I should get back.”

“No,” he said, just slightly more coherently now. “Don’t
leave. I want…you…my Dormouse.”

It was exactly what she wanted to hear. He might not be
awake. He might not know what he was saying. And it might be a ridiculous
nickname. But it made her heart swell with feeling all the same.

He released a long sigh. “Alice.”

So there was no way she could make herself pull away after
that. She relaxed against him again.

After all, she could sleep just as well here as at her place.

***

A couple of hours later, she was
awakened again, this time by Micah pulling away from her.

She was too groggy to do anything more than mumble out an
objection, and soon Micah’s hot, hard body wasn’t against hers anymore.

She felt cold and lonely, so she curled up into a ball, not
yet awake enough to focus. After a few minutes, he came back and got into the
recliner beside her.

She cuddled up against him, resting her head on his chest.
He felt more relaxed, somehow, and she liked it.

“Are you awake?” he murmured.

“Not really.”

He chuckled softly, and she felt him kiss her hair.

“Did you check on Cara?”

“She’s sleeping,” he said.

“Good.”

They didn’t speak for a few minutes, just held each other.
And, because Alice was so sleepy, her defenses weren’t strong enough to keep
her from asking a random question, prompted by seeing that woman at the clinic
earlier in the evening and realizing that she loved him.

“Why haven’t you dated anyone for the last year?”

“How do you know I haven’t?” He sounded more curious than
defensive.

“News gets around in this town, you know.”

“Oh, I know.”

“So why haven’t you?”

She felt him tense up just a little. She thought for a
moment he might pull away, but he didn’t. “I just…I had too much to get together
in my life, and I couldn’t try to date someone while I was doing it.”

She nodded against his chest to show she was listening.

“There wasn’t anyone I really wanted to date anyway. Until…”

She held her breath as he concluded “…recently.”

She was still processing that as he went on. “Even if there
was before, it wouldn’t have been right to inflict all that on someone else.”

“All of what?” She lifted her head to look at his face.

“All of my crap. My broken life.” He was staring at a spot
in the air now, rather than her. “It wouldn’t have been right.”

She didn’t like the note she heard in his voice, but she
couldn’t exactly argue with his sentiment. So she said hesitantly, “I guess it
makes sense for you to have waited until you were in a better place first.”
When he didn’t reply, she added, “You’re in a better place now, aren’t you?”

“I thought so. But I don’t know. Now I don’t know.” His
voice was so low it was barely audible. “Just because I want something doesn’t
make it right.”

There was no way to deny this was true. Almost everything
Alice had wanted in her life had turned out to be painfully wrong.

She’d pulled away from him slightly, trying to understand
exactly what he was saying and what it really meant. Trying not to be upset by
the implications until she knew for sure.

But he tightened his arm around her and pulled her back down
beside him. She relaxed, recognizing the feeling in his touch and unable to not
respond to it. She nestled against him, and he began to stroke her long
hair—gently, slowly, almost delicately.

She really wanted to know exactly what his feelings were and
whether he thought they had a possible future. It sounded like he was torn
about things, like he hadn’t figured it out. But too much was too uncertain for
her here, and she needed a little certainty if she was going to invest any more
into this relationship.

But asking him would mean she’d have to break her rules, and
she had very little now protecting her except for them.

She wasn’t going to break her rules and destroy the one wall
she had left around her heart.

She could wait a little longer.

The next day was Good Friday.

Alice didn’t feel very well that morning, since she hadn’t
been able to get back to sleep when she’d finally returned to her apartment the
night before.

Her head was hurting a little, and Micah still hadn’t said a
thing—not a single, definite thing—about the nature of their relationship.

She knew he must feel something for her, but she didn’t know
if he was going to pursue the feelings, which is what she needed if she was
going to continue hanging out with him without getting her heart stomped on.

Her heart was all in. It had been almost from the beginning.
So she needed to pull it back now—all the way—if there was no future here.

Alice wasn’t going into the church to work until mid-morning,
so she went over to the house before eight, since Micah wanted to head out
early to get some work done.

As she walked over to the house, she tried to decide if it
was okay to lead into a conversation about their relationship. She didn’t need
any sort of commitment, but she did need to know he was thinking seriously
about her.

Surely that was a reasonable thing to expect and not a
symptom of her stupidity with men. Surely, gently leading into a conversation
at this point wouldn’t be breaking any of her rules.

She heard Cara crying even before she tapped on the side
door and Micah said, “Come on in.”

“Hey,” Alice said, walking into the kitchen. “How is she?”

Micah stood in the kitchen, shirtless and with just a pair
of jeans on, holding Cara with one arm and a cup of coffee in the other. “She
slept okay, but she woke up early and she won’t let me put her down. Every time
I do, she screams.”

Alice gulped and tried not to look at his chest, but it was
hard to resist. He was toned and broad and impossible to ignore with impressive
muscle development, coarse dark hair, and lovely flat abs. “I can take her. You
can go finish getting dressed, if you want.”

He glanced down at himself, as if surprised that he wasn’t
fully dressed. “Thanks,” he said, handing Cara over. “I’ve actually not even
taken a shower yet.”

“Oh. Well, go ahead, if you want. Did you give her the
medicine yet?”

“Yeah, I just did, so hopefully it will start helping soon.”

He looked distracted and exhausted, and Alice figured this
wasn’t a great time for bringing up his feelings about their relationship. So
she got a cup of coffee for herself and carried it and Cara into the living
room.

Cara was obviously happy to see her, and her screaming
lessened considerably. Alice fed her a bottle and tried to plan a good way to
lead into the conversation with Micah that she wanted to have.

A few things she was sure of. She wasn’t going to corner him.
She wasn’t going to pressure him into something he didn’t want. And she wasn’t
going to fool herself into believing there was a future unless he clearly
wanted one too.

After she fed and burped Cara, she tried her in the bouncy
seat, but the baby immediately started crying, so Alice picked her up again.

She was straightening up when Micah came in, fully dressed
in jeans and a black shirt. “Are you going to be okay with her today?” he
asked.

“Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“No reason. She’ll just be hard to deal with, I think, since
she feels bad.”

“We’ll be fine. I think she’ll settle down when the Tylenol
starts to work.”

“Okay.” He took the last gulp of his coffee and went to the
kitchen to set his mug on the counter. Alice followed him in. “I’ll be back
mid-afternoon.”

“Okay. If Cara is up to it, I’m going to the church to work
for a couple of hours today, so if I happen not to be here, then that’s where
I’ll be. But I won’t go if she’s feeling too bad.”

“Sounds good.” He leaned down to kiss Cara distractedly, and
then he kissed Alice in turn—lightly, just to the side of her mouth.

It seemed natural, as if he hadn’t even thought about doing
it, but it sent a surge of fear spiraling up inside her.

She couldn’t keep feeling like they were a couple if they
weren’t, in fact, a couple. “When you get back from work,” she said to his
back, since he was already starting for the door, “can we maybe talk a little?”

He turned toward her again. “About what?”

She sucked in a few jerky breaths, suddenly terrified and
paralyzed and wondering what she’d just done. She hadn’t been planning to do it
like that. In fact, she’d been sure she wasn’t going to just dump it on him
like that. “Nothing.”

“About what?” he insisted.

“About…about us.”

She saw something shift on his face. “Oh. Okay.”

“I’m just kind of confused. And…and…I don’t know…It would
help if we could talk.” Cara started to cry, and Alice jostled her gently.
“Nothing high maintenance or anything.”

“You want to talk this afternoon?”

“Yeah. I mean, some time soon. I’m just confused…”

“You already said that.” His voice wasn’t sharp, but it
silenced her anyway.

Then she was suddenly annoyed that he’d managed to silence
her. “I don’t think it’s unreasonable for me to want to talk.”

“I never said it was unreasonable.”

“Well, you’re acting like…like…”

“Like what?” His voice was much curter now.

“Like you don’t want to talk.”

“I never said anything of the kind. In fact, I said okay.”

“But you don’t really mean it.”

“You aren’t in a position to tell me what I mean or not.”

“Well—”

“Listen, Alice, I can’t have this conversation right now.
We’ll talk later.”

And then the infuriating man just walked out the door.

Alice wanted to scream with annoyance—and also with
frustration and disappointment and fear.

But there was nothing to do about it now. She tried to
comfort Cara and told herself that, whatever Micah ended up telling her, it was
better than not knowing.

She didn’t entirely convince herself of this fact.

Instead, she kept wishing she’d obeyed her rules and not
said anything at all.

***

Cara did start to feel a little
better, but Alice was so exhausted and depressed at ten-thirty that morning that
she took Cara over to Micah’s parents, so she could get some work done at the
church without too much distraction.

She was so set on focusing that she got her work on the
bulletin done in record time and decided to be even more productive and get some
of the collected filing completed.

The file cabinets were in a big storage closet in Daniel’s
office. Since he was out visiting, she figured it was a perfect time to get in
there and get the filing done.

Daniel, being rather old-fashioned, liked to keep paper records,
and it took almost a half-hour to get all the paperwork filed away. Alice
didn’t mind, though. She liked the mindless work.

And it helped her to not think about Micah.

She was just about done when she heard voices outside the
closet.

“That’s just stupid,” a resonant voice sounded from the
office. Daniel’s voice. No way not to recognize it.

Alice started to get up and let him know she was in his
closet, but she froze when she heard another voice.

“You’re the one who demanded for me to tell you all kinds of
personal shit, and all you can say is that I’m stupid?”

Micah. And he sounded angry.

“Well, I’m sorry. But you
are
being stupid. You’ve got to see it for yourself.

“I see a lot of things that you can’t seem to understand.”

“You’re right. I don’t understand. So tell me why this is so
hard for you, when it’s so blindingly obvious to every single person who knows
you.”

“Because it’s
different
.
She’s different from every other woman I’ve known before. And I don’t think I
can trust—” Micah broke off and didn’t finish the sentence.

“Trust what?” Daniel asked. His voice had shifted, and it
sounded like he might have sat down. “Trust God? Trust yourself?”

“Trust my instincts. Just because I want something doesn’t
mean it’s right.”

“Well, why shouldn’t
this
be right? She’s amazing. She’s an incredible woman. You couldn’t do better than
Alice.”

Alice was paralyzed, on her knees in the closet. She
shouldn’t be here. She shouldn’t be hearing this. But she’d already heard too
much to bring attention to herself now. She had no idea what to do, so she
ended up doing nothing.

Except listening.

“I know I couldn’t do better. That’s the point.” Micah
sounded more exhausted than ever, and he must have sat down too.

There was silence in the office for a moment.

Then Daniel asked softly, “What do you mean? This is what
you’ve wanted for a really long time, and I thought you were finally doing
something about it. So tell me what’s holding you back, now that you’re so
close.”

It took more than a minute, but finally Micah admitted, “I
never actually thought this could happen, but now that it is, I can’t help but
realize I…I don’t have enough to offer her.”

“What are you talking about? Surely you don’t have some sort
of ridiculous, lofty vision of earning millions of dollars and buying her—”

“No, of course not. You know me better than that.”

“Then what can’t you offer her.”

“A man who’s not so…”

“So what?”

“So broken.”

This time, Daniel didn’t answer right away. “Oh. I see.”

“Do you get it now? I thought you were supposed to be good
at this.”

“Who ever told you that? I can preach, but Jessica will tell
you that my counseling skills are pretty dubious.”

They obviously used the brief moment of dry humor to break
the tension. Daniel’s tone was more relaxed when he added, “Now I
know
you’re being stupid.”

“I’m serious here.”

“I know you’re serious. You think, because of your past,
you’re not good enough for her. But you’re the one who’s missing the point.”

“What point?”

“The whole point of a life of faith. It’s not about being
good. None of us are good. None of us are good enough.”

“I know that. That’s not what I’m talking about.”

“But I think you
are
.”
Daniel’s voice got urgent again. “Remember who you’re talking to here. I was
nothing but angry for years. It was a problem I had with God, but it bled out
into everything I did. I almost lost Jessica because of it. You knew what I was
doing then, and you called me on it. I’m not going to let you make the same
mistake I almost made. If I can be forgiven, if I could make things right with
Jessica, then why shouldn’t you be able to work things out with Alice too?”

“Because it’s not the same thing.” Micah’s voice was raw
now, and it made Alice’s heart ache. She was shaking on the floor of the
closet, completely overwhelmed by what she was hearing.

What she
shouldn’t
be hearing.

“It’s not the same thing. We’re not in the same position.
You haven’t done what I’ve done.”

There was a strange pause before Daniel asked, “What have
you done?” He sounded wary, as if he really didn’t know what might be
confessed.

“You know what I’ve done,” Micah replied impatiently. “You
know. Everyone knows. The whole dirty litany of my life for ten years. It’s all
out in the open. It doesn’t just go away because I want it to.”

“Think about what you’re saying. What if she’d had sex with
a bunch of men in the past? Would she somehow then have fallen to your level?
Is that what you’re really saying? Is sex some kind of measuring stick between
pure and impure? Do you hear how wrong that is?”

“I’m not saying that. That’s not what this is about.”

“Good. Because we really don’t want to go there. No one is
pure enough to be on the right side of the measuring stick. Not Alice. Not
anyone.”

“I know that. It’s not really about sex at all. It’s about the
way I…the way I broke my life.” Micah sounded absolutely desperate to be
understood.

“So your life is full of shit. So is mine. So is everyone’s.
What do you think forgiveness is about? He takes our shit and loves us anyway.
He makes us beautiful—because
he
is.”

Alice was practically in tears, and she was having to
suppress them to remain silent. She heard nothing but breathing from the office
for a minute.

Then Micah finally said, “I know he’s forgiven me.”

“But you don’t think she will?”

“It’s not about forgiveness. It’s about not being willing to
offer her the broken dregs of a life, when she deserves more.”

Daniel made a frustrated, growling sound. “Can’t she decide
that for herself? Maybe she
wants
the
dregs, as stupid and stubborn as you are.” Then he cleared his throat. “I’m
sorry. I know you’re really torn up about this. You’ve been trying to live out
what you believe for a year now, so why can’t you live it out in this too?”

“I don’t know if I’m even capable of it.” Micah paused. “The
other night, I almost…I wanted her so much I almost...”

“But you stopped, didn’t you?”

“Yeah.”

“So I get that this is new to you, but that’s really pretty
normal a struggle for a guy to have. You have no idea how much I wanted
Jessica, long before we ever got married. You know what Paul says. Better to—”

“Don’t you dare quote that verse at me.”

Daniel actually laughed. “Sorry. But, seriously, whatever
happened isn’t a sign that you shouldn’t pursue this. You’ve just never had to
stop yourself from taking what you want before, and it isn’t any fun.”

“You really suck at this.”

“So you and Jessica can share notes and critique my
performance. But I’m not joking about this. You better pursue her, because she’s
not going to hang around forever and wait for you to figure it out. Don’t miss
your chance with her again.”

Now that the conversation seemed to be reaching an end,
Alice was suddenly hit by a wave of intense panic.