A Billion Reasons Why (20 page)

“Tell me what you love about him.” Her mother sat on the bed and crossed her legs underneath her.

It brought her comfort to watch Mam do that. It was the pose she used to take every night before she read a bedtime story and prayed over her.

“Mam, he’s very bright. He went to MIT, and he’s—”

“He can be as bright as the North Star, but if he can’t put two words of greeting together, he’s no match for you. You’re a social creature, Katie.”

“Not nearly as social as I used to be.” Her shoulders fell. “I can’t defend him. I can’t defend myself. Mam, I kissed Luc today.” Without pausing she went back to describing Dex. “He’ll be a good dad. He’s very intellectual. He’s punctual. He’s had the same job since he got out of his PhD program, and that’s not easy to do in the consumer electronics field. Technology changes daily. He picks up on the new stuff and leads the way. He writes iPhone Apps for a hobby, and he’s made quite a lot doing that.”

“What does he do with the extra money?”

“I don’t know. It’s not my business.”

“Why isn’t it your business? Your father didn’t make a dime that I didn’t know where it went. I didn’t ask, but he told me because he said if anything happened, I’d need to know. And I did, so your father was right. Ignorance is not honoring a man, Katie. Does he try to keep it from you?”

“We just don’t talk about money. It’s not really an issue. We’re not married yet.”

“What’s the last gift he gave you?”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?” Mam slid off the bed and went over to a wooden box on the antique dresser. She opened it, and “Some Enchanted Evening” began to play. Her mother dug both hands into the box and lifted out strings of glittering baubles.

Katie studied them closer and saw familiar things: strings of pearls, saltwater and fresh, a garnet pendant, her mother’s birthstone, and lots of gold chains and ear bobs, as Mam called them.

“That’s not fair. Dad’s grandfather was a jeweler.”

“Dexter is not . . . he’s not
kind
, Katie.”

Mam’s words had merit, and it surprised Katie that she couldn’t dispute them. Dexter did all the right things. He said all the right things, opened car doors for her, helped her on with her coat—but Mam was right, his actions weren’t marked by a benevolent spirit.

“He brought me his extra suitcase to borrow,” she said.

“Aha!” Mam said. “You saw the suitcase he had with him. Did he give you the good suitcase? Or take it for himself?”

Katie slid her hand down the long bedpost.

“That’s what I thought. You know, Katie, you can plan so that nothing goes wrong in life. But something will, and it won’t be what you expected to go wrong. So make sure you’re with someone who will help you bail the water out of the boat, not someone who will blame you for the hole.”

“Mam, what’s going on down there?” She watched Olivia come up the walkway with Ryan on her arm. Ryan held a potted bromeliad that looked like a giant red pineapple, and two lawn chairs hung from his elbow. Several band members she recognized from the rehearsal also trotted up the walkway with cookies and various local treats in hand. It was then that she noted all the seating on the front porch and their sheer mass registered. Folding chairs, lawn chairs, deck chairs.

“Oh, they’re here! I have to get down there. Katie, get some clothes on and come outside. Luc has a surprise for you!”

Katie turned off the light, so she couldn’t be seen from outside, and tossed off her dress and pulled on a pair of jeans. She selected a lightweight cotton T with sleeves to fight off the mosquitoes. Then she went to the window and saw a large truck pull up into the street and two workmen get out and put orange cones around the truck’s perimeter. They brought out white folding chairs and set them in rows on the front lawn. On every third chair they placed a can of Off. Next they rolled a giant red popcorn machine off the truck and donned white hats and aprons. Neighbors started coming down the stairs and filling the seats.

“They’re here already,” Mam shouted from the porch. “Katie, hurry up, child!”

Katie landed on the front gallery. “I’m here.”

“Eileen, run in and get some sodas,” her mother said.

“I took care of all the drinks. Sit down and enjoy yourself, Irene,” Luc said. The workmen rolled off a wheeled refrigerator, the kind an ice cream man would push, and then hung electronic bug zappers on a nearby tree. Within a span of five minutes, the entire front lawn had been transformed into an outdoor movie theater. Judging by the wave of neighbors holding various snacks, Katie figured there must have been some kind of invitation.

Luc thrust a flyer into her hand.

Y
OU’RE INVITED TO A

C
LASSIC
M
OVIE
N
IGHT

W
HERE:
M
CKENNA
-S
LATER
G
ARDEN

W
HEN:
A
PPROXIMATELY 9 P.M
.

S
T.
C
HARLES
A
VENUE

B
RING FOOD TO SHARE.

Within minutes the projector was set up, and the truck served as the movie screen. Katie marveled at how quickly Luc’s money could make something happen. “You did all this?”

“I thought it would get us all in the mood for the wedding theme. Get it?
In the mood
?” He laughed.

People streamed in and filled the empty white chairs in the garden one by one. Luc patted the seat beside him.

“Dexter left before he got to see this,” she said.

“I know. Bummer, huh?”

“I want to go down where the popcorn is.” She skipped down the steps.

The film started to spin.

“Don’t you love that old sound of the movie rolling? I’ll go get us some sweet tea.”

“It’s
Casablanca
.” She glanced at Luc. “Is this symbolic? Ilsa must choose between Rick, the dangerous love of her life, or Victor Laszlo, her husband and leader of the Resistance Movement. The past or the future. Desire or sacrifice. Casablanca or freedom. Love or honor.”

“Love. Always love,” Luc answered. “This isn’t the French Resistance, and Dexter Hastings is no Victor Laszlo. Sometimes love and honor are the same thing. Forgiveness, the ultimate sacrifice.”

He brought a chair beside her and sat down. As soon as the speaking parts began, Luc recited Rick’s lines. “Who are you really, and what were you before?” He pulled his fedora down on his forehead.

As the Germans marched into Paris, Katie forced her eyes to the screen. “Maybe I’m not so noble.”

Luc took her hand in his. “Maybe you are, but you’re defining honor incorrectly.”

She ventured a gaze into Luc’s eyes. If it were only that easy. Love was more than a feeling, and wasn’t it more honorable to honor her vow? Or was it more honorable to listen to her mam and abandon herself to the unknown? Luc may not have been the marrying kind, but did that make it honorable to vow herself to another man who didn’t understand what Ilsa gave up? And never would?

Chapter 15

M
OONLIGHT
S
ERENADE

Katie lay still in the dark while Eileen fidgeted in the bed beside her.

Her friend exhaled. “You kissed him! When were you going to tell me?”

“I was praying,” she said.

“For forgiveness, I hope.” Eileen flicked on the light and threw something at Katie. “Here’s your love scrapbook. You left it behind. I brought it so you could doodle little hearts for Dexter. Wait, I mean Luc.”

“Why are you mad at me? Because I made the same mistake twice and made a complete fool of myself today? Or because I’m marrying Dexter anyway?”

“I’m mad because you don’t know what you want! You’d rather live like a Stepford wife than really love and be hurt.” Eileen picked up the book and slammed it down again. “I’m mad because you abandon that plan too, as soon as Luc gives you the time of day. And Luc can’t stay in one place for long, so I’m worried you’ll waste your life away waiting for someone else to make a move.” Eileen was crying, and she leaned over and hugged Katie. “I want the world to exercise. What do you want, Katie?”

Katie thought for a long time. “I want to be unafraid.”

God, please help me. I’m in love with the wrong man. Love is not a feeling. I can have power over my emotions, so, Lord, would you help me do that? Because if you wanted me to marry Luc, he would have said yes all those years ago. He would have come after me. He’s had eight years! Why won’t this go away? Luc only wants me now because Dexter has me. What am I doing wrong? I’ve prayed every day for this feeling to leave me. It’s not right. I know I sinned, Lord. I got emotionally involved. I did things you said not to do outside of marriage. Lord, is this my punishment? To spend the rest of my days longing for something that I can’t have, that I never should have tasted in the first place? I was young and stupid, but I’m not young anymore, so why do I still feel so stupid? I want to do the right thing. My memories of that night will never go away, but they haven’t changed either. Does that mean that I haven’t really repented?

Everything seemed brighter the next day. More sunlight that morning, and with it came more clarity. She had to tell Dexter what happened the day before. Dexter, who seemed unchallenged by emotions such as passion, would never understand her impetuous behavior. There
wasn’t
any acceptable explanation. But did she want to spend her life with someone whose love had to be earned? No boyfriend would put up with Katie’s behavior, but Dex took it to a different level.

Katie was her father’s daughter. She couldn’t marry without love, and the realization settled as a knot in her stomach. Love, she reasoned, should feel like
love
, not a contract easily broken when the other failed you. She hadn’t thought about the consequences of the contract being broken when love didn’t exist. After all, how would she explain it to her daughter—and she knew that it would be a daughter.

—Momma, when did you fall in love with Daddy?

—Ought to be pretty soon now, honey
.

She still believed in a practical partnership above a fiery yet waning passion, but she couldn’t marry Dexter, because her mam was right. He wasn’t kind. Every other annoyance about him was just a variation on that theme. He wanted her to behave a certain way, and when she didn’t, tiny rejections were the result.

“Dexter’s downstairs,” Eileen moaned from the bed. “I can hear his monotone.”

Katie didn’t jump to attention at the sound of Dex’s voice. She took the time to consider all that had changed. The fact that she might indeed be alone if she gave him up. Mam said it herself: Luc wasn’t the marrying kind. Making this choice was making the decision she could maneuver life’s uncharted waters alone, with only God as her guide.

“You know,” Eileen went on, “if I had to wake up to that schedule . . . two poached eggs on Wednesday and Friday, fiber cereal the other days . . . oh, and oatmeal is in there somewhere.”

“I don’t know why Dexter’s breakfast schedule bothers you so much. You’re just as bad. Did it ever occur to you that he’s the male version of my best friend?”

Eileen bolted upright. “You take that back! As a health instructor, fiber could not be more important to me. But I do think . . . I do think the homicide rate would be even higher if I had to dwell with Dexter Hastings. You’re a better woman than I.”

“Actually, I’m not,” Katie said. “He came all the way to New Orleans to get the ring and ask me to marry him properly . . . and I’m going to send him home alone.”

“Katie! What are you saying? Do you mean my prayer worked? That you’re going to hold out for a guy with a whole name?”

“All I’m saying is I decided it’s better to be alone than be married badly, and I think Dex and I aren’t that great together.”

“This is huge! Katie, I like Dexter, I do. I just don’t like you with him. It’s like you’re this shell of yourself, and all the fun has been drained out.”

“I feel bad for him. He came all the way here for me.”

“He’ll get over it. It’s just like
The Bachelorette
! Remember the one where they stopped the train and dropped that guy in the middle of nowhere? That was cold. But in the end, isn’t it better than marrying Dex when you don’t love him the way you should? If you did, do you think Luc could have tempted you yesterday?”