A Calculating Heart (29 page)

‘So, did you discuss moving out?’

‘God, no! He asked who it was, so I told him. I thought he might not remember you, but he did. Then we sat in this long, miserable silence for what seemed like forever. I couldn’t think of anything to say. And after a bit he said he was going to have to think about it all for a while, that it was one hell of a shock. He must have been angry, but with Charles that’s always … Well, it comes out in a sort of awful despair. Moodiness. He got up and went into the
house. I didn’t know what to do. I’d said it all. It’s strange, the way situations never play out the way you think they will. An hour later he went off and picked up Oliver from the party, and the rest of the day was like conducting a kind of ritual. Quite miserable, but normal, if you know what I mean. We half avoided one another, but the usual domestic pattern continued. He went to do some work, I went to bed. I was asleep when he came to bed.’ She sighed. ‘Then this morning was a frantic rush, as Mondays always are, trying to get myself ready and Oliver fed …’ She shrugged. ‘That’s pretty much where things stand.’

Anthony was silent for a few seconds, then said, ‘Don’t you think you should have told him you couldn’t stay with him anymore? That would seem the sensible thing. To settle things.’

So far Rachel had recounted the events of the weekend while staring down at the grass, her long hair hiding her face. Now she turned to look at Anthony. ‘It’s not that simple. I wish it were. I have to wait for him to – to say whatever he has to say about the situation.’

‘Why? You know what you want. Why wait? Why not just say you can’t go on living with him?’

‘Because … oh, because I feel so guilty! When I think what I owe Charles … He has done so, so much for me and Oliver. When things reached breaking point with Leo, he was a true friend. I was at rock bottom, Leo had just destroyed my world, and Charles was so …
decent
. He was funny and kind and he offered to look after me.’

‘He was in love with you. He had his motives.’

‘Possibly. But the point is, I took advantage of him. Of his good nature. All the time I’ve been living with him, Anthony, I’ve known I wasn’t in love with him. I thought there would never be anyone after Leo. I stayed with Charles because he made me feel safe and wanted, and because I thought … well, maybe this is as good as it gets. How selfish was that?’

‘Okay, I see all that. You’re grateful for what he did, and now you feel guilty as hell. But what exactly is it that you think you owe him?’

Rachel was silent for a while. ‘Time. I think I have to give him the chance to do this his way. He must know, from everything I said, that we can’t stay together. But let him be the one to say it, that we should split up. Everyone has their pride. I’m prepared to wait for Charles to make this his decision.’

‘And if he doesn’t?’

‘Then – fine, I’ll have to take the initiative. But … you know, I don’t think you have any real idea how hard this is going to be for me and Oliver. Oliver especially. His little life is just rolling along, he has his nanny, his toys, his friends, his world … He’s just started at nursery school …’

‘It has to happen. You know I’ve always said you can move in with me.’

‘I know. But is that really what I should do? Just move from one man’s house to another’s?’

‘It would be temporary. We’ll find somewhere together.’

‘Oh, Anthony, it’s just been the worst two days. I wish I had a more positive idea about what happens next, believe me.’

‘You do know. It might take a few days, a few weeks, but you have to leave him.’

Rachel leant against Anthony and sighed. ‘Yes. But let Charles do it his way. It’s the least I owe him.’

Camilla was having lunch at a harbourside restaurant with Bob Morris, one of the partners in the Bermudan law firm where she had been working for three weeks.

‘You’ve done a very efficient job,’ said Bob. ‘I didn’t think we’d have it wrapped up this quickly.’

‘Thanks,’ said Camilla. ‘I’ve really enjoyed being here. But it’ll be nice to get back. I thought I’d be here till the weekend, at least.’

‘I’ll have Marsha check on flights when we get back to the office.’ Bob sipped his coffee and smiled. ‘Young Gordon’s going to be inconsolable for the next few weeks. You made something of an impression there, I think.’

‘He’s very sweet. And he’s been so helpful.’ She thought longingly of Leo. Just twenty-four hours and she’d be with him again. Should she ring and tell him she was coming home early, or should she surprise him?

Bob signalled to the waiter for the bill. ‘Come on. Let’s head back to the office and see about your flight.’

Sometime later Bob came to Camilla’s office, where she was putting her files together.

‘Right, here are the options. There’s a flight tomorrow morning at half eight, with a stop-over in New York, which gets you into Heathrow at nine in the evening. Or you can take a direct flight tomorrow evening at half seven, gets in
at eight-thirty the next morning your time.’

Camilla reflected. The evening flight would be quicker, and she could have a sleep on the plane. The disadvantage was that she wouldn’t get to Belgravia until after half past nine the next morning, by which time Leo would have gone to work. If she got the flight tomorrow morning, she’d be home by late evening. Even if Leo was going out for the evening, she’d be there when he got back, and she could surprise him that way.

‘I’ll take the one with the New York stopover,’ she said.

‘Sure?’ asked Bob. ‘Okay, we’ll get that booked for you.’

Felicity came home that evening to find the flat empty. She felt a curious mixture of alarm and relief. On the one hand, it was good that Sandy felt he could go out without being pursued by nameless enemies with weapons, but on the other, she would rather know where he was and what he was doing. She hadn’t left him in a stable frame of mind. She went into his room and tidied the bed, opened the window, and started to gather up the sheets of paper which littered the floor. She paused to read them, and the contents weren’t encouraging. Stream of consciousness stuff about world forces, sinister designs, the enemy closing in, a good deal of underlining and the occasional word – DESTINY! ESCAPE! – written in heavy, bold letters. She sighed. She had intended to go out this evening with Peter, but she’d have to call it off. She had to be here if and when Sandy came back, and try to sort out the best thing to do with him.

She rang Peter on his mobile and told him she couldn’t
see him. ‘Sandy’s gone out somewhere. I have to be here when he gets back, to make sure he’s all right.’

‘Oh, for God’s sake, Fliss. You’re not his nanny. Is this the way things are going to be? He goes out for the evening and you drop everything to wait in for him? What the hell am I meant to do?’

‘There’s no point in getting upset, Peter. I’m staying in, that’s all. He was really paranoid this morning. I’m worried about him.’

‘He’s a waste of time. He’s got a drug problem, and you’re making it your problem instead of kicking him out. Which is what I’d do.’

‘Yeah, well – he’s not your brother, is he? Thanks for being so supportive. You don’t care about anyone except yourself.’

‘Why should I care about your brother? He’s messing up your life, but I don’t see why he should mess up mine.’

‘It’s only one evening, for heaven’s sake! Anyway, if you were that bothered, you’d have offered to come round and spend the evening here with me.’

‘Oh, right, and have to share the delightful domestic scene when your brother eventually comes home pissed, or stoned, or whatever. No thanks.’

Felicity sighed. ‘Fine. Whatever. I’m staying here. I’ll see you tomorrow.’

She hung up.

Around midnight, she gave up and went to bed. Three hours later, she was woken by the sound of Sandy coming in. Bleary-eyed, she got up and went through to his room.

‘Where the hell have you been? D’you realise I’ve spent the evening waiting in, because I was so worried about you?’

Sandy sat down on the edge of his bed and tugged off his denim jacket. ‘Why?’

‘Why? Because you were raving like a lunatic this morning, and because I don’t know what’s going on! One minute you say you can’t go out because the streets are full of people out to get you, and the next you’re not here! I mean, what am I meant to think?’

‘I don’t care,’ said Sandy sullenly, taking off his socks and trainers. ‘You’re not really bothered about me, Fliss. If you were, you’d know the kind of danger I’m in. The kind of danger we’re all in.’

‘Oh, for God’s sake, I’ve had enough! You’ve already ruined my evening. And you haven’t even said sorry.’

Sandy pulled off his jeans, dumped them on the floor on top of his trainers and socks, and got into bed in his T-shirt and underpants, pulling the duvet round his shoulders. He lay motionless, saying nothing. Felicity, seeing there was no more to be said or done, left the room and went to bed. She had no idea what the next day would bring …

Before going to court the following morning, Leo went through to the annexe and knocked on Ann Halliday’s door.

‘I thought I might catch you before you went to court. Can I have a word?’

‘Of course.’

Leo closed the door. He drew a piece of paper from his pocket and laid it on the desk in front of her. ‘A couple of things you may wish to consider in relation to our case.’ Ann looked at the piece of paper and saw an address written there, together with a couple of dates. ‘Now, without wishing to seem too mysterious, I think that you may find it useful to make certain enquiries at that address regarding two drawings “Woman Bathing” and “The Circus Troupe”, both by Degas. I’ve written the names down, but I think you’re already familiar with them.’

‘They’re the pictures from the
Persephone
. The ones destroyed in the fire.’

‘Indeed.’ There was a long pause. ‘Right,’ said Leo with a smile, ‘I’ll see you in court shortly. By the way—’ he paused in the doorway ‘—are you busy, on Saturday?’ It had occurred to him that since Camilla wasn’t due back till Sunday, he might as well ask Ann if she’d like to go with him to the Treeves’ party. She would probably enjoy it for all the reasons that Camilla wouldn’t.

‘No. Why?’

Leo told her about the Treeves’ invitation. ‘I thought it might be the kind of thing you’d like.’

Ann smiled, filling up with pleasure at the prospect. ‘Yes, I’d love to come. Thank you.’

‘Good. We can discuss the details later.’

He went out. Ann stood reflecting for a moment, still smiling. Then she turned her attention again to the piece of paper. After a few moments she lifted the phone.

Sarah went straight to Roger’s room that morning. She had spent the previous evening debating whether to ring him, but had decided it was best to see him face to face. When she knocked, there was no response. She went to the clerks’ room and Felicity told her that Roger had gone to court.

‘Can you let me know when he comes in?’ asked Sarah.

‘Yeah, if I see him,’ said Felicity moodily. She was feeling utterly fed up with everyone and everything. All that crap with Sandy last night had left her unable to sleep, and then, she’d come into work this morning to find Peter – who clearly took the view that Felicity had got her priorities wrong the night before – snippy and offhand. This was
especially galling, since Felicity felt that if anyone had the right to be stroppy, she did.

Henry, sensing the evident coolness between Felicity and Peter, felt encouraged. He hated himself for it, but he couldn’t help it.

‘How are you getting on with your brother?’ he asked, as he passed Felicity’s desk.

‘I’m not. I thought things were getting better, but I was wrong.’ Felicity leant back in her chair and sighed. ‘You know he had a temporary job at that shop down the road? Well, he’s more or less blown that. And he’s been really funny lately, all paranoid. It’s a bit frightening. I don’t have a clue what to do.’

‘Would you like to talk about it over lunch?’

Felicity looked up at Henry and smiled. She could do with having a heart-to-heart with someone about the situation. It really was getting on top of her. Maureen was sympathetic, but she couldn’t offer any practical advice, and Peter – well, apart from last night, every time she’d raised the subject of Sandy he’d made it clear that he couldn’t care less, dismissing Sandy as a loser. He didn’t seem to realise how much it was affecting her. Or maybe he didn’t care. She didn’t want to think that. ‘Yeah, Henry. That would be nice. I could really do with that.’

‘Okay. We can go to the Italian. Haven’t been there for a while.’

Felicity glanced across at Peter. He was gazing in apparent absorption at his computer screen, but she could
tell he’d taken it all in. Good. She hoped maybe he’d realise that other people were prepared to show a bit of sympathy, even if he wasn’t.

Three hours later, just as Sarah was about to go out to lunch, the phone rang. It was Felicity.

‘Thought you’d like to know that Roger’s just come in.’

‘Okay. Thanks.’

Sarah put the phone down and went to Roger’s room in the annexe. She found her heart was beating hard; she hadn’t realised how wound up she’d been about all this, how anxious she was to put things right. She knocked on his door, and Roger called, ‘Come in.’

He was sitting at his desk going through his mail, still in his court attire. The room was its usual clutter of briefs and books, every surface, including the windowsill, piled with documents. Roger glanced up. ‘Hi,’ he said, then looked back at the letter he was reading.

Sarah sat down in a chair, watching him as he read. Her heart tightened at the realisation of how much she had missed the sight of his kind, easy features, his thoughtful eyes. Eventually he put the letter down and looked at her. He didn’t smile, but his expression was in no way cold. It was mildly indifferent.

‘I thought I’d come and have a word,’ said Sarah. ‘I haven’t seen you for a bit.’

‘No, I’ve been quite busy.’

‘I wondered if you felt like coming for a drink this evening.’ Sarah wished he wouldn’t make this so difficult.
She tried to speak with her usual friendly nonchalance, but her insides felt twisted with anxiety.

‘Why?’

She hesitated, then irritation got the better of her. ‘Oh, come on. I’m trying to say sorry for what happened a couple of weekends ago. You know I am.’

Roger sat forward, leaning his elbows on his desk, and contemplated her for a long moment, then said, ‘Don’t bother. It doesn’t matter.’

The words should have been reassuring, but his tone was all wrong. Sarah felt confused. ‘No,’ she assured him. ‘It does. All the things you said – you were right. I wanted to say sorry ages ago.’

‘I told you, it doesn’t matter to me.’

‘So …’ she gazed at him uncertainly ‘… can we forget about it? I mean, can we just pick up where we left off?’

‘That’s not what I meant. As far as I’m concerned, everything that’s happened between us is completely irrelevant. All of it.’

‘How … how d’you mean? It wasn’t that big a deal. It wasn’t even much of an argument. I know I shouldn’t have gone off like that, but, hey – I’ve said I’m sorry.’ She felt panic rising in small waves. That this man mattered more than anything else in the world was only just dawning upon her. She hadn’t expected him to behave like this. A little detached, experienced part of her mind told her to stay cool, that she could handle this situation. She smiled as best she could. ‘Come on, don’t be horrible. You must have missed me as much as I’ve missed you.’

‘Missed me? Is that why you slept with Marcus?’

Sarah stared at him. Marcus. The bastard. The absolute and complete bastard. She shook her head slowly. ‘No, look … That was absolutely nothing. It was entirely meaningless, the biggest mistake I’ve ever made in my life. I was drunk. I was unhappy. It was nothing. Please, please don’t think it mattered. I was—’

‘Of course it was meaningless. That’s the point. That’s the point about you. You do whatever comes into your head, because, as you say, none of it matters. None of it has any significance. Me, Marcus, whoever.’

Sarah’s voice rose in panic. ‘Roger, it was a mistake! Don’t compare it with anything that happened between us. That I was so, so different! Come on, you said you loved me …’

‘I did. I thought something so special was going on. I really thought you felt it, too. But you couldn’t bear to hear one true word about yourself without walking out on me. Then you went off and slept with one of my friends. And you think it doesn’t matter.’

Sarah’s gaze moved to the window, the sky beyond. She sensed that something was slipping here, passing out of her control. No, that didn’t happen to her. She wouldn’t let it. But inside she felt helpless, wordless with panic. She looked back at Roger, lifting her clasped hands slightly from her lap in a conciliatory gesture, resisting the urge to weep and plead. She worked to keep her voice steady. ‘Look … the thing with Marcus was stupid, unforgivable. I told you – I’d had too much to drink. I didn’t particularly want to
go to bed with him. In fact, I can’t stand him. Marcus is a complete pig.’

‘Well, let’s give him some credit here. He had no idea I’d been seeing you. He still doesn’t. Otherwise it wouldn’t have happened. He has some scruples. Which is more than can be said for you.’

‘Oh, come on, Roger, don’t judge me this way! It was only afterwards that I realised how much I cared about you – only you. I am so, so sorry. But it has nothing to do with us. You can’t let someone like Marcus wreck everything between us. Please, Roger.’ Her eyes were fastened on his. She took a shaky breath. ‘Please.’

‘It isn’t Marcus who’s wrecked things. Mind you, he hasn’t helped. Good old Marcus, he doesn’t spare the detail when it comes to recounting his sexual exploits. Distasteful, of course, but somehow you just can’t shut him up.’

‘Roger—’

‘Don’t. Don’t bother. It’s a waste of time. I don’t want to spin this out any longer. Whatever there was between us doesn’t exist, Sarah. Not anymore.’

Such finality. Such blankness in his eyes. She wanted to reach out, as if by touch or gesture she might take back what she’d lost. But her hands lay inert in her lap, and her mind was numb. She could think of nothing but that she had destroyed what had been a complex, mysterious and perfect relationship. The sweet and unfathomable human being who had been her friend and lover would never be either of those things again. He was sitting there, a couple of feet away, utterly remote.

Despite the chaos of Sarah’s feelings, pride was never far from the surface. She wasn’t going to let him see how much this mattered. She stood up and shrugged. With immense self-control, she managed to keep her voice steady, her look calm. ‘Okay. If you’re going to be stupid about it, fine.’ She turned and left the room.

Roger sat at his desk without moving for some moments. Those trivial words summed it all up. The way she regarded everything, including him. The last few minutes had cost him a great deal. He could have believed her. He could have let himself be persuaded – and how badly he wanted to be – that they could start again. But that would have been a waste of time in the long run. She would simply have done it all over again, and he didn’t think he could bear to be hurt so badly ever again.

Ann and Leo spoke briefly at the end of the lunchtime break, just as the afternoon’s proceedings were about to commence, but she said nothing about the information he had given her earlier. Which, as far as Leo was concerned, was fine. He wanted to maintain his distance, to have no apparent connection to the events which he suspected were about to unfold. Instead, she brought up the matter of electing a new head of chambers.

‘Maurice is getting up quite a head of steam,’ she said with a faint smile. ‘He very much wants to be the new head. What about you? I’d have thought you might have shown a little competitive interest. Don’t you mind an
arriviste
like Maurice muscling in on your territory?’

‘I hadn’t given it much thought,’ replied Leo. In fact, he reflected ruefully, until the moment of that revelatory conversation with Captain Kollias last week, it had seemed that 5 Caper Court and its doings might shortly fade into the past and memory. Not anymore. He sighed. ‘If Maurice wants the job so much, maybe he’s the right man for it.’

‘I disagree,’ said Ann. ‘In fact, I think it’s that particular aspect of his character which makes him unsuited. It’s too much about Maurice, not enough about chambers. Anyway, instead of having a meeting about it, Jeremy’s suggested a ballot.’

‘Now, there’s someone with a competitive instinct. I certainly wouldn’t like to see Jeremy as head of chambers. Maybe I should start paying greater attention. I’ve had my mind on other things lately.’

‘And here she is now,’ murmured Ann.

Leo glanced round and saw Adriana approaching. Ann gave Leo an arch smile and moved away. How, Leo wondered in those few seconds, did Ann know? Christ, did
everyone
know?

Adriana’s voice was soft in his ear. ‘I came back from New York two hours ago. Mr Defereras said we are nearly finished, so I thought I should come.’ She glanced around and asked softly, ‘Are you free this evening?’

At that moment Mr Justice Sagewell made his mournful way in through the side door to the bench. Leo, attempting to look as though he was discussing entirely professional matters with his client, said, ‘Possibly. I’ll talk to you at the end of the afternoon.’

The afternoon’s proceedings consisted of the
cross-examination 
by Kate Carpenter of the last of the expert witnesses. Leo glanced at Ann a couple of times, wondering what she had made of the information he had given her this morning. She was too smart a girl to give anything away. She sat calmly taking notes, giving no indication that anything was about to happen to alter the mundane course of the case. Leo noticed that one of her instructing solicitors was absent, though, which could be significant. With any luck he was sleuthing around Southampton at this very minute. Ann would have to get a move on, if she was going to do anything. Otherwise, in order to prevent Adriana’s nasty little fraud from succeeding, he would have to take matters in hand himself. And that was something he dearly wished to avoid. She wanted to see him this evening. Was it wise? On the whole, and all things considered, probably not. On the other hand, it would be unfair not to indulge her. There was every possibility that this might be the last occasion on which he could enjoy that delectable body of hers, and reflect wistfully on what might have been. Leo liked to think he had his sentimental side.

‘They’re having a meeting tomorrow,’ Henry said to Robert.

Felicity picked up on this as she passed by. ‘Who’s having a meeting?’

‘A chambers’ meeting,’ said Henry. ‘Mr Hayter’s asked me to be there. They’ll be deciding who’s to be the new head of chambers in the autumn.’

‘God, I hope it’s not Jeremy Vane,’ muttered Felicity. ‘He makes me heave.’

‘Doesn’t really make much difference to you, does it?’ said Robert. ‘My guess is it’ll be Mr Faber. He’s the one who gets things done around here.’