A Cousin's Prayer (18 page)

Katie’s chair squeaked as she took a seat at the kitchen table. She had no appetite for food. How could she think about eating supper when she was worried about Loraine? They hadn’t heard anything for several hours—not since Loraine had been taken to the hospital.

“Let’s pray,” Dad said after he’d taken his seat at the head of the table.

Katie bowed her head and closed her eyes. Searching for the right words, she silently prayed,
Please, God, don’t let Loraine lose her boppli. She and Wayne have been through a lot, and they deserve to be happy. Take away my fears, and help me with my panic attacks. And please bring all the gossiping about me to an end.

Dad rustled his napkin, and Katie’s eyes snapped open. Mom took a spoonful of potato salad and handed the bowl to Katie. Katie stared at it a few seconds then handed it to Dad.

Mom nudged Katie’s arm. “Aren’t you having any potato salad? I made it with plenty of mustard, just the way you like.”

Katie passed the plate of ham to Dad as she shook her head. “I’m too worried about Loraine to think about food.”

“You don’t have to
think
about food; just eat it.” The lines running across Dad’s forehead deepened. “You eat like a bird, and you’re way too skinny.”

“Your daed’s right,” Mom agreed. “You’ll end up sick if you don’t start eating more.”

Katie’s skin prickled. She was tired of Mom and Dad badgering her all the time.

“Have some of this.” Mom plopped a huge spoonful of coleslaw in the middle of Katie’s plate.

“I’m not hungry!” Katie leaped out of her chair and was almost to the stairs leading to the second floor when a knock sounded on the back door. She opened the door. The bishop stood on the porch, and he wasn’t smiling.

“Mom and Dad are in the kitchen,” Katie said.

He shook his head. “Didn’t come to see them. Came to see you.”

“Oh? What about?”

“There’s a rumor going around that you’re expecting a boppli. Is it true?”

“Is what true?” Dad questioned as he came to the door. “What’s this all about?”

“Can I come in?” asked the bishop.

Dad nodded and led the way to the kitchen. Katie followed, her legs trembling like a newborn colt. Eunice had obviously taken her story to the bishop, probably hoping to make Katie look bad for trying to hide her pregnancy from everyone.

“Now what’s this all about?” Dad asked again.

The bishop pulled out a chair at the table and sat down. “I’m not here to be judgmental, but there’s a rumor going around that your daughter’s in a family way. I came to find out whether it’s true or not.”

“Of course it’s not true,” Mom said with a quick shake of her head. “I don’t know why anyone would think Katie’s pregnant.”

Dad touched Mom’s shoulder. “Now don’t get yourself all worked up, JoAnn. As the bishop said, it’s only a rumor.” He turned to face Katie. “Tell the bishop what he needs to hear.”

“It’s not true,” Katie said, slowly shaking her head. “Eunice made it up, but Freeman said she wasn’t going to keep the rumor going. I guess he was wrong about that.”

Mom rubbed the bridge of her nose as she stared at Katie. “How long have you known about this rumor?”

Katie shrugged. “Awhile.”

“And you never said a word to us? Why, Katie?” Dad asked.

“I didn’t want you to be upset or think that I might be—”

“We know you’re not pregnant, Katie.” Mom looked at the bishop. “As you know, Katie’s dealing with some emotional issues.”

He gave a nod.

“One of her anxiety symptoms is nausea, and another one’s feeling lightheaded and shaky. Maybe Eunice assumed Katie was pregnant because of her symptoms.”

“That could be.” The bishop pushed his chair back and stood. “Well, I won’t take up any more of your time.” He smiled at Katie. “If I hear any more rumors about you, I’ll put an end to them real quick.”

“We appreciate that,” Mom said before Katie could respond.

After the bishop left, Katie decided that she needed to be alone by herself for a while, and some fresh air might help clear her head. “I’m going outside,” she said.

“Please come finish your supper first,” Mom said, motioning to Katie’s plate.

Katie shook her head. “I told you before, I’m not hungry.” She turned and rushed out the door.

JoAnn looked over at Jeremy and frowned. “I don’t know what we’re going to do about Katie.”

“Surely you don’t think she’s lying about not being pregnant.” She shook her head. “I wasn’t talking about that. I was talking about the symptoms she’s been having. Some might be related to her panic attacks all right, but being nauseous and shaky could be because she doesn’t eat enough.”

Jeremy lifted his broad shoulders. “Not much we can do about that. It’s not like it was when she was a maedel and we could take away her desert if she didn’t eat supper.”

“I’m hoping Katie’s counseling sessions will bring her back to us.” JoAnn sighed deeply. “I won’t be there to hear what Dr. Coleman has to say when Katie goes next week.”

“How come?”

“He asked me to wait outside, and even though I wasn’t thrilled about the idea, I agreed.” She frowned. “But then Katie said she wants me to stay home next week, and if I agree to that, she’ll be all alone.”

Jeremy drank some of his water. “Might be for the best. Katie needs to learn to go places by herself and do things on her own. She’ll never be able to function as a woman if she doesn’t.”

“Jah, well, Katie might be able to do that once she’s feeling better emotionally. Right now, though, I feel she needs someone to go with her to offer moral support and to ask Dr. Coleman questions she might not think of.”

He set his glass down and frowned at her. “You’re overprotective where Katie’s concerned, and you have been ever since she was a boppli. I don’t know if it’s because she’s our only maedel or because she’s the youngest of our kinner, but it’s gotten worse since she came back from Florida. You hover over her all the time and offer way too many suggestions.”

Irritation welled in JoAnn’s soul. “I’m not overprotective, and I don’t hover! I care about our daughter and want what’s best for her.”

“Then let her stand on her own two feet, and offer support through your love and prayers instead of pushing so hard. If Katie needs something, I’m sure she’ll ask. If Katie’s hungry, I’m sure she’ll eat.” Jeremy slid his chair away from the table. “I’m goin’ outside on the porch to read the newspaper!”

“But you haven’t finished your supper.”

“I ate as much as I want, and I’m not a little buwe, so stop tellin’ me what to do!” Jeremy strode across the room and jerked open the back door.

JoAnn cringed when the door slammed shut. Was she the only one who cared about Katie?

As soon as Freeman pulled his bike into the Millers’ yard, he spotted Katie’s dad sitting on the porch.

“Is that an English or Amish newspaper you’re reading?” Freeman asked as he stepped onto the porch.

“English. This one’s out of Goshen.” Jeremy motioned to the chair beside him. “Take a seat if you like.”

“Anything interesting in there?” Freeman asked as he sat down.

“Lots of bad news, including more about our depressed economy and how it’s affecting us here.” Jeremy frowned. “Seems to be gettin’ worse all the time.”

Freeman nodded slowly. “I know. With so many of the RV factories either shut down or having cut way back, a lot of men in our area have lost their jobs or have had their hours cut back.”

Jeremy crossed his legs. “A man can’t support a family when he has no work. Some may have to move if things don’t improve. I don’t know an Amish man who won’t do whatever it takes to provide for his family.”

“Guess some might need to look at other options for making money,” Freeman said.

“Like what?”

“Maybe making birdhouses, wooden plaques, baked goods, or anything handcrafted that could be sold at the Shipshewana flea market or in some of our local shops. The Amish probably won’t buy ’em, but maybe the tourists would.”

Jeremy nodded. “It doesn’t help the economy any when our property taxes keep going up, either.” He pointed to the newspaper. “Yet it looks like they’re planning to raise ’em again.”

“It amazes me that some people think we Amish don’t pay any kind of taxes, when we pay most of the same taxes as the Englishers.”

“That’s true, and besides paying taxes, we fund our own schools.” Jeremy heaved a sigh. “All that said, if we Amish stick together, I’m sure we’ll survive any crisis that comes our way. Always have; always will.”

“Guess you’re right about that.” Freeman glanced over his shoulder. “Is Katie in the house? I’d like to know if she got the note I left her at the stamp shop.”

Jeremy gestured toward the barn. “She was wandering around out in the yard when I came out here awhile ago, but then she went in there. Think she was lookin’ for a place to be alone.”

“Maybe I shouldn’t bother her then.”

Jeremy shook his head. “I’m pretty sure it was her mamm she was trying to get away from. Don’t think she’d object to seein’ you, though.”

Freeman wasn’t sure if he should comment on that, so he stared at the barn, trying to decide whether he should bother Katie.

“JoAnn took Katie to see one of the counselors at the mental health facility today.” Jeremy sighed loudly. “It didn’t go so well with JoAnn bein’ in there while the counselor was trying to talk to Katie. She said he asked her to wait outside the next time they come.”

“Guess it makes sense that he’d want to speak with Katie alone.”

“She’ll be alone all right. Told her mamm she didn’t want her going to the next session with her at all.” Jeremy gestured to the barn again. “Feel free to visit with Katie if you like. I’m sure she’ll be glad to see you.”

Freeman wasn’t so sure about that, but he said good-bye to Jeremy and headed for the barn. He found Katie inside, sitting on a bale of hay with a fluffy gray cat curled in her lap.

“How are you doing?” Freeman asked, taking a seat beside her.

“Okay,” she mumbled without looking up.

Freeman cringed. Was she still mad at him?

“I ... uh ... was wondering if you got the note I left for you.”

She nodded and stroked the cat’s head. It began to purr and nestled deeper into her lap.

“Are you still angry with me, Katie?”

“I guess not.”

“Then what’s wrong? I can see that you’re unhappy about something.”

“I’m upset about several things.”

“Like what?”

“For one thing, our bishop was here awhile ago, asking if I was in a family way.”

“Are you kidding?”

“No, I’m not. He said he’d heard a rumor that I was pregnant, and he wanted to find out whether it was true or not.” Katie frowned. “It was Eunice who started the rumor, of course.”

“I’m really sorry, Katie. Were you able to convince him that the rumor’s not true?”

She nodded. “He said if he hears any more gossip about me, he’ll put a stop to it.”

“That’s good.”

“Then to make my day even worse, Loraine’s at the hospital, and she may lose her boppli.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. I know how excited she and Wayne were about becoming parents, so I hope and pray it’ll go okay for her.”

“Me, too.”

Freeman reached over and stroked the cat’s head. “Before I came in here, I was talking to your daed, and he said you went to see the counselor today.”

“Uh-huh. I saw Dr. Coleman.”

“How’d it go?”

“Okay, I guess, but he didn’t really say much to help me.”

“It’s gonna take time, Katie. It took awhile for your panic attacks to start, and it’ll take awhile for you to learn how to deal with ’em.”

“I hope you’re right. I have another appointment with Dr. Coleman next week, and I asked my mamm not to go with me again.”

“How come?”

“She kept answering all the questions Dr. Coleman asked me, and when she wasn’t answering questions, she was asking them. I could hardly get in a word.” Katie shuddered and sighed. “I’m already feeling naerfich about going there alone, but I don’t want Mom to go with me again.”

“Would you like me to go with you? I’d stay in the waiting room while you’re in with the counselor, of course.”

“You ... you’d be willing to do that?”

“If it’d make you feel more comfortable, I’d be glad to ride along.”

“What about your work? I wouldn’t want you to get behind on things at the bike shop because of me.”

“I’m pretty well caught up right now, so it shouldn’t be a problem if I’m gone for a few hours once a week.”

Katie smiled. “Danki, Freeman. I would like you to ride along with me.”

Just then Katie’s dad stepped into the barn, shaking his head and wearing a frown. “I just checked the answering machine, and we got some bad news. Loraine lost the boppli.”

Katie pushed the cat aside, jumped off the bale of hay, and stormed out of the barn. “That’s it!” she shouted. “I’m done praying for things!”

“Are you sure you’re feeling up to doing that?”

Loraine turned from the stove where she’d been heating some soup, as well as some water for tea. “I’m fine,” she said, smiling at her mother.

“But it’s only been a few days since you miscarried, and I don’t want you overdoing it.”

“I’m not. Besides, cooking a meal gives me something to do. It’s better than sitting around feeling sorry for myself.”

The teakettle whistled, and Loraine removed it from the stove and dropped in a couple of tea bags.

Mom opened the cupboard door and started setting the table. “I know how disappointed you must feel, because I felt the same way when I miscarried.”

Loraine’s eyes widened. “When was that? I never knew you had a miscarriage.”

“It was before you were born, and I never saw a need to mention it until now.” Mom stared out the window.

“Was it your first pregnancy?”

“Jah.” Mom sighed. “Have you ever had the feeling that something in your life was too good to be true?”

Loraine nodded.

“Well, that’s the way I felt when I first learned I was pregnant—I was bursting with happiness. But then when I lost the boppli, your daed and I felt so disappointed I wondered if either of us would ever feel happy again.” Mom smiled. “But God was good, and within a year, I got pregnant again. I finally came to realize that the boppli I’d lost might have been born with serious problems and that losing it might have been God’s will for me.”

Loraine turned down the gas on the stove and took a seat at the table. “I’ve been telling myself that, too. As Wayne said last night, ‘God knows our needs, and for whatever the reason, He chose to take our boppli to heaven.’”

Mom placed the rest of the dishes on the table and sat across from Loraine. “No one ever said life would be easy, but if we keep God in the center of our lives, with His help, we can make it through.”

Loraine nodded. “That’s the only way for me.”

A knock sounded on the back door, and moments later Ella stepped into the kitchen.

“Sorry I didn’t get over here sooner, but Mama came down with a bad cold, so Charlene and I have had to take over all the household chores.” Ella handed Loraine a paper sack. “I baked you a loaf of friendship bread, and there’s a scripture verse attached to the plastic wrap.”

“Danki, I appreciate that.” Loraine opened the sack and removed the bread. Then she read the verse out loud. “‘And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.’ Romans 8:28.”

Tears welled in her eyes. “Mom and I were just talking about how God knows our needs. This scripture verse goes along with that.”

Mom gestured to a chair. “We won’t be eating for another half hour or so. If you have the time, why don’t you sit and visit with us awhile?”

“Sure, I’ve got a few minutes to spare.” Ella offered Loraine a sympathetic smile. “How are you feeling physically?”

“I’m doing okay. Since I came home from the hospital, Mom’s been coming over every day to fix our meals. She’s also done the laundry and some cleaning, so I’ve been able to rest a lot.”

“That’s good. Rest is what you need right now.” Ella gave Loraine a hug. “I’m real sorry you lost the boppli. It must be very disappointing.”

Loraine swallowed around the lump in her throat. “It is, but Wayne and I are trusting that God will allow us to have other bopplin in the future.”

“Are you feeling naerfich?” Freeman asked as he helped Katie out of the van.

She shook her head. “Not so much. I appreciate your riding with me, though. I was trying to be brave when I asked Mom to stay home, but I don’t think I could have gone to my counseling session alone today.”

“I’m glad to do it.” Freeman stuck his head into the van. “Can you pick us up in an hour and a half?” he asked Mary Hertz, their driver. “I think we should be ready to go by then.”

Mary nodded. “I’ll be waiting right here when you come out.”

As Katie walked to the building, she noticed that she felt a bit more confident than she had last week. Something about being with Freeman made her feel a sense of calm.

She was surprised when Freeman held the door and let her walk in first. No one had done that for her since Timothy died.

They took seats in the waiting room, and Freeman found a magazine to read. A few minutes later, Katie was called into the counselor’s office. She glanced at Freeman, and he gave her a reassuring smile. Drawing in a quick breath, she stepped into Dr. Coleman’s office.

He motioned to the chair on the other side of his desk, and she took a seat.

“How did your week go, Katie? Did you have any anxiety attacks?”

She shook her head. “I don’t understand why I have them at certain times and not others. Or for that matter, why I started having them in the first place.”

“There’s no set time for an anxiety attack to occur, but they do seem to happen more often when a person’s under a lot of stress. Panic onset can be caused by many things, such as the death of a loved one or trying too hard to please someone.”

Katie nodded. “I felt depressed after my boyfriend died, but the panic attacks didn’t start until I left Florida and came home.”

“Is there someone you’re trying too hard to please?”

“I ... I don’t think so. Well, maybe my folks, but it’s always been that way.”

“You’ll need to work on that, Katie. We can’t always please other people, and you can stress out if you try too hard.”

Katie sat staring at her folded hands as she mulled things over. “Where do your panic attacks seem to happen the most often?” he asked.

“When I’m riding in a car or our buggy. They’ve also happened when I’m in a stuffy room with a lot of people.” Katie smoothed the wrinkles in her dress, a nervous gesture she’d had since she was a young girl. “Do you think I’ll have panic attacks for the rest of my life?”

He rested his elbows on his desk and smiled at her. “Take heart, Katie. You
can
recover from panic attacks; it’s just going to take some time and a lot of patience on your part. There are several things you can try, and it may take awhile before you find one that works best for you.”

Katie gripped the edge of her chair. “Another thing I don’t understand is how come the panicky feelings make me feel like everything’s unreal.”

“You mentioned that in our last session. Is it sort of like you’re dreaming?”

“Kind of. It’s hard to describe. I get this warm prickly sensation, and then it’s as though nothing seems real anymore.” She shivered, remembering the fear she’d felt the last time she’d had an attack. It had left her feeling confused and shaky for nearly an hour.

“Have you made any changes in your daily routine in order to avoid having another panic attack?” Dr. Coleman asked.

She nodded. “I look for excuses not to go places, and the thought of driving the buggy by myself makes me feel like I’m going to throw up or even faint. After passing out in church not long ago, I’m afraid to go there, too.”

“Do you force yourself to go places?”

“Sometimes. Church is one of the places where I make myself go, but it’s getting harder all the time. I have trouble concentrating on the service because I’m so afraid that I’m going to feel panicky again.”

“Fear of a potential attack can almost paralyze a person,” Dr. Coleman said. “Struggling against the fear is like trying to put out a fire with a can of gas.”

Katie reached into the canvas tote bag she’d brought along. “One of my friends gave me this.” She placed the book Freeman had given her about panic attacks on the counselor’s desk. “It’s the book my mother was telling you about last week. And my cousin gave me this.” She handed him the article on tapping that Loraine had given her.

Dr. Coleman read the article and scanned through the book. “I’m familiar with the things mentioned in this book. It has many good points that we’ll be talking about here, and you can put them into practice right away. I’m not that familiar with the tapping method, but you’re welcome to try it. Before you leave today, I’ll give you a few other things you can try, as well.” He folded his hands. “Of course, you also need to trust God and ask Him to calm your heart and give you a sense of peace as you practice the things I’m going to suggest.”

Katie frowned. “It’s my feeling of fear that keeps me from trusting God.”

“It’s your choice to trust in God that will change your feelings of fear,” he said, motioning to the Bible on his desk. “Remember this: The beginning of anxiety is the end of faith, and the end of anxiety if the beginning of faith.”

Katie nibbled on her lower lip as she fought against the urge to chew her nails.

“Is there something else bothering you?”

“I think one of the reasons I feel so anxious is because I can’t forgive myself for causing the accident that killed my boyfriend.”

“What makes you think you’re to blame?”

“A bee got in the van, and I freaked out. Our driver turned around to see what the commotion was about, and he lost control of the van.” Katie blinked against the tears stinging her eyes. It was hard to talk about that day.

“You’re not to blame for the accident, and you shouldn’t let yesterday’s regrets or tomorrow’s anxieties get the best of you. You need to give them over to God.”

Katie wasn’t sure she could give anything to God, because ever since the accident, she’d been mad at Him for letting Timothy die.

Dr. Coleman picked up the Bible. “Before I give you some breathing exercises to do this week, I’d like to read you a verse of scripture found in 2 Timothy 1:7.” He opened the Bible and read the verse out loud. “‘For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.’” Then he wrote the verse on a slip of paper and handed it to Katie. “If you memorize this, you’ll be reminded that God doesn’t want you to be fearful. He wants you to get well, Katie.”

Katie swallowed around the lump in her throat. “I ... I want that, too.”

Freeman glanced at the clock above the receptionist’s desk. Katie had been in with the counselor almost an hour, so he figured she should be out soon. He hoped the counselor would be able to help Katie get her panic attacks under control soon. On the other hand, if she recovered quickly, then she wouldn’t need him anymore. He didn’t know why that thought bothered him so much. Was it because, like Fern often said, he liked to fix broken things? Or was he drawn to Katie for some other reason? He had been interested in Katie when they were children, but that was a long time ago, and she’d been a different girl back then.

Guess it really doesn’t matter,
he thought as he turned to look out the window.
Katie’s still pining for Timothy and has no interest in me. Besides, I’m supposed to be courting Eunice. Despite my irritation with her at times, I must admit that I’m physically attracted to her.

As Eunice pedaled her bike up to Freeman’s shop, excitement welled in her soul. She knew she probably shouldn’t come over here so often, but she couldn’t seem to help herself. From the way Freeman often looked at her, she was sure he was interested in her. She definitely liked him.

Eunice found the Closed sign on the shop door. Disappointed, she glanced at her watch. It was nearly three o’clock, so Freeman wasn’t out for lunch. Maybe he’d had an errand to run or had gone to pick up some parts.

Guess I may as well stop at the house and see if Fern’s at home.
Eunice climbed back on her bike and pedaled up the driveway. She found Fern sitting under a maple tree in the front yard with a basket of mending in her lap.

“Are you too busy to visit?” Eunice asked as she rolled her bike across the lawn.

“I’m never too busy for you.” Fern smiled and motioned to the house. “Grab a chair from the porch and bring it over.”

Eunice parked the bike near the porch, picked up a chair, and hauled it over to the tree. “Whew, it’s another warm day, isn’t it?”

Fern nodded. “That’s why I’m doing my mending out here. It’s too warm in the house, and I’m sure not looking forward to cooking supper this evening.”

“Maybe Freeman will take you out to eat,” Eunice said as she took a seat.

Fern shook her head. “I don’t think so. Thanks to Katie Miller, my bruder will be working late tonight.”

Eunice puckered her lips. “What’s Katie got to do with Freeman working late?”

“She had an appointment with one of the counselors at the mental health facility in Goshen, and Freeman went along as moral support.” The tiny lines in Fern’s forehead deepened when she frowned. “Seems like fixing bikes isn’t good enough for my bruder these days. He’s got it in his head that he can help Katie get over her panic attacks.”

“Do you think he can?” Eunice asked.

Fern shrugged. “I don’t know, but I think he’ll keep trying as long as he thinks Katie needs his help.”

Eunice bit her bottom lip until she tasted blood. Every time she turned around, Freeman was with Katie. It had to be more than him just trying to fix her problems. Katie was probably trying to win Freeman’s heart.

If I don’t do something about this soon, it might be too late,
she thought.
I need to come up with some way to make Freeman spend more time with me and less time with Katie.