A Dangerous Leap (15 page)

Kelly couldn’t speak for the conflicting emotions squeezing her chest, suffocating her. She wanted to be there for Ian’s sake, but something akin to panic urged her to run, to avoid the crushing pain of being the strong one. The one that laughed when she wanted to cry—the one that held on when her body screamed at her to let go.

“Kelly, I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t need you. Aunt Cara was special. My youngest sister is named after her.”

God, he wasn’t being fair. No way she could deny him now. “No, I understand. I-I’ll be ready at sixteen-hundred.”

“Thanks, honey. You don’t know how much this means to me. I love you.”

The need to respond in kind pushed past her fear of leaving herself vulnerable to new heartbreak. “I-I love you too,” she said.

Too late, she realized he’d already disconnected.

* * *

Ian glanced at Kelly’s slight figure curled up against the door of his truck. She’d looked so exhausted when he picked her up, he’d felt guilty for dragging her out for a two-hour road trip. He’d heard about the oh-four-hundred search and rescue call that ended three hours later with a body bag.

Now he had the impression she was avoiding him. She had too much tension in her body to be sleeping.

His guilt increased. Yeah, he wanted Kelly by his side for emotional support, but the real reason, the selfish reason he’d asked her to come along was he wanted his family to meet the woman he was going to marry. He smiled. His mom would take her in like a lost kitten. He’d never met anyone who needed a family more than she did, though she’d probably slug him if she knew he thought that.

Ian turned down the deeply shaded residential street where live oaks, draped in Spanish moss, brought back some of his best childhood memories. Visiting Aunt Cara’s had been the highlight of his summers since he was eight years old. An outcast in her staunch Catholic family for her outspoken independence, Aunt Cara secured total alienation by becoming an artist, marrying a Protestant, and refusing to have children.

Despite the family brouhaha, Ian’s mother had never severed ties with her sister, and would happily send any or all of her children to visit, based on Aunt Cara’s wishes. Ian had always been one of his aunt’s favorites.

He slowed the truck, aware that the cars lining both sides of the wide street belonged to relatives as well as friends of his aunt and uncle. Doubt wormed though his gut. Maybe he should have warned Kelly what he was getting her into.

She stirred to life. “Are we there?” she asked, sitting up and stretching her folded arms over her head. “Good Lord, don’t tell me all those cars belong to your family.”

Her eyes rounded as she looked back and forth across the street while Ian drove cautiously through the maze of mostly compact rental cars. Damn, for a black sheep, Aunt Cara had certainly drawn the family in for her farewell. Then again, it had been Ian’s grandparents who had taken the hard line about her lifestyle. By and large, her brothers and sisters had been more accepting, like his mom.

“Not all, Aunt Cara had quite a following in the art and literary world,” he said. He spotted Brendan’s minivan parked in the driveway and pulled in behind it. Good, Penny and the boys would help Kelly feel less like an outsider. He hoped anyway.

Exiting his truck, Ian grabbed Kelly’s hand and started up the brick walkway toward the imposing Victorian home. Her fingers trembled and he tucked them in the crook of his arm. Amazing that she’d jump into twenty-foot seas from a helicopter, go toe-to-toe with a guy who towered over her, and quake at meeting his family.

The front door banged open and Collin flew out, Aunt Cara’s ancient poodle clutched in his arms. “Kelly, Kelly! Meet Misha, he’s old so we gots to be careful.”

Collin held the dog out to Kelly like a precious gift. She knelt down to his level and accepted his offering, cuddling the woebegone creature as if it were a cute puppy. Her delighted expression squeezed Ian’s heart. It didn’t take a lot of imagination to see her with children of her own. Adopted or biological, she’d make a damn good mother.

That had been another subject he’d been afraid to bring up. When had he become such a wuss?

“Ian, you made good time,” his father said from the open door. Still an imposing figure, sixty-three-year-old Val Razzamenti stood tall and lean, his hair more salt than pepper. He stepped onto the porch, his glance softening when he took in Kelly’s interaction with Collin and the dog. He had Riley perched on one hip, where the boy struggled to keep his eyes open, his thumb stuck in his mouth.

Ian jogged up the steps and hugged his father and ruffled Riley’s hair. “Dad, I want you to meet Kelly Bishop. We work together at the air station. Kelly, this is my father, Valerio Razzamenti.”

More nervous than he’d been bringing his first date home, Ian slipped his hands in his back pockets to keep from fidgeting.

Kelly offered her hand, but his dad pulled her into a one-armed hug. “Call me Val, honey, I don’t take kindly to formalities. Goodness, but you are a slip of a girl. Ian, your mother will be pleased.”

He winked at Ian and slid his arm around Kelly’s shoulders. “Come on in, I want you to meet Moreen, the light of my life. Collin tells me you’re quite brave, jumping in the ocean with sharks and playing with foxes and such. You must tell me all about it.”

Ian grinned as his father ushered Kelly into the house.

“Ian, where are your bags? Kelly, I hope you don’t mind bunking with Ian’s little sister Cara. With you in the military and her still in school, we thought you two wouldn’t mind that sort of thing.”

He ignored her comment about staying at a motel and kept on talking, much as he had all of Ian’s life. Maybe it came naturally to a man used to being outnumbered by children in his own home.

Like the Pied Piper, Kelly drew the boys into her sphere. Riley woke at the sound of her voice and reached out for her. Val, looking amused, handed his grandson over. She settled the young boy into her hip with surprising ease, then returned her hand to Collin’s shoulder. Her inclusion of Collin, in touch and smile, didn’t go unnoticed. Val gave Ian a nod of approval.

Ian shook his head. His father had never liked Julie, claiming she had no natural love of children. To a father of eight, that was a high-ranking sin indeed.

“
Lei è una brava ragazza e anche molto carina! Non te la far scappare!
,” Val said with another wink.

Kelly replied in perfect Italian that she didn’t care to be labeled a “keeper”—no matter how nice looking he thought she might be.

Val’s eyes widened, then he threw back his head and bellowed out a laugh. “Lord, child, you’ll keep Ian on his toes. Moreen! Where is that woman?”

“Hush, you’ll wake the babies,” Ian’s mother said.

Her words were directed to her husband, but her green eyes were locked onto Kelly like a guided missile. Ian groaned. Obviously, Brendan had been spilling his guts.

Moreen’s smile started polite, but grew genuine as Ian watched. With her acceptance, he relaxed. If mom was sold, Kelly had an in with the whole family.

* * *

By nightfall, Kelly was exhausted. Moreen and Val had made it clear to everyone they considered Kelly family. She found that concept as frightening as it was comforting. Of course that didn’t prevent family members from scrutinizing her clothes, her looks and how close she stood to Ian.

She’d been interrogated on her views about child rearing, working outside the home, women in the military and aliens. The kind that arrived in boats as well as the ones beamed down from spaceships. She’d discovered Ian’s family had no compunction about asking the most personal and intimate questions.

The rosary service had been disturbing, bringing back a bone-deep sadness she couldn’t shake, and dark thoughts she couldn’t escape. Death, it seemed, had been stalking her, striking anyone she dared to love. How could she even think of risking another family, another child?

Uncomfortable with the light-hearted party atmosphere when they returned home, she sought refuge in the upstairs bedroom she was sharing with Ian’s sister. Too many emotions swirled in her head and heart, confusing her more than ever.

Sometime later a flash of light woke her and she quickly sat up, disoriented by her strange surroundings. Her heart thudded in her chest, stalling her breath as if unsure what direction to take.

“Oh, God, you scared me,” Cara said patting her chest with her palm. The young woman snapped off the overhead light “I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were in here. I thought you’d be in Ian’s room,” she added softly.

Kelly hadn’t planned on falling asleep. Confused and a little embarrassed, she squinted at the clock on the nightstand between the twin beds. She converted the digital readout to the more familiar military time of twenty-three hundred.

She blinked slowly, trying to process Cara’s words. Ian had brought her bag up here when Val had refused to hear of them staying anywhere else. “Aren’t you and I supposed to be sharing this room?”

Cara giggled. “That’s the official view. Unofficially, we thought you’d want to spend the night with Ian.”

Kelly could just make out Cara’s figure as she began undressing in the dark. “We? Certainly you don’t mean your parents.”

“Of course they don’t actually condone premarital sex, but they’re not naïve. Besides, Mom and Dad really like you. We all do, you’re much better for Ian than Julie was. Besides, they know you guys are getting married.”

Chapter Ten

Ian searched the crowded first floor rooms and couldn’t find Kelly. She’d been too quiet on the drive back from church and he worried about the emotional toll the ceremony had taken on her. He took the stairs two at a time. Maybe she’d retreated to her room to get away from his too nosey family. Hell, he really should have warned her about them. A little bit of their Irish-Italian exuberance could go a long way.

In the soft glow of the hall’s nightlight, Ian was practically on top of Kelly before he saw her. She stood outside his bedroom door with arms crossed. Her accusing glare wilted his half-formed smile.

“What’s wrong?”

“You’re what’s wrong. How dare you tell your family we’re getting married! Dammit, I never agreed to that,” she said in a barely contained whisper.

Shit, Brendan must have opened his big mouth. Or maybe Penny had said something. He took her arm and gestured toward the bedroom door. “I know that, come in here where we can talk about—”

She jerked away from him. “There’s nothing to talk about. I’ll make an announcement in the morning. Before breakfast.” Her hand shook when she raked her fingers through her disheveled hair. “That way, there’ll be no more misunderstandings. God, now I understand why I was getting the third degree all evening.”

Her hollow laugh gutted Ian.

“Can’t you see I’m happy with the life I have? I don’t need a husband and I certainly don’t need children to feel complete. I’m part of a team dedicated to saving lives. I have all the family I need in the Coast Guard.”

Her voice had risen sharply and her eyes were bright with unshed tears. He was losing her as surely as a patient who had gone V-fib.

“Are you happy with the way things are between us?” she demanded. Her arms were wrapped tightly around her chest, her hands gripping her upper arms.

“Yes,” he said, unsure if it was a trick question.

“If you knew I would never marry you, never give you children, would you still be happy, still want to continue seeing me?”

Hell, that definitely was a trick question. “Kelly, look, I—”

Her rapid blinks cleared her eyes and she straightened her back. When he reached for her, she stepped away, shaking her head. “No, Ian, it’s written all over your face. You want exactly what your parents have. As much as I could love your mother, I won’t ever be like her.”

She took a deep breath and he felt the rift growing wider, deeper.

“I’m sorry, my timing really sucks. If you like, I’ll arrange my own way back to the air station in the morning.”

He swiped at his hair, fighting the urge to grab her and shake some sense into her. “No, Kel, this is stupid. You’re obviously upset, hell we both are, given the circumstances. We shouldn’t be discussing something this important right now. I’m sure the services tonight brought back a lot of bad memories about your parents, your baby—”

Her head snapped back as if he’d slapped her.

“W-what do you know about m-my baby?”

Jesus, Mary and Joseph, he’d blown it now. “Kel, honey, don’t—”

She took a step back. “I never told you about her. Did Caitlyn say something?”

Even in the dim light he could see she’d gone white. Her flat voice scared him the most. As much as he hated tears, especially coming from Kelly, he’d prefer seeing them instead of this control thing she had going.

“No, hell no. Matt told me your husband left you after the baby died. That’s all I know. Kelly, don’t walk away from me,” he said, following her as she crossed the hall to the other bedroom. Short of getting physical, he didn’t know how to stop her.

She didn’t say another word, but simply left him standing in the hall. The quiet click of the door latching closed snapped something inside him.

He swore and continued swearing as he tore down the stairs and out the back door. He stood on the dark porch, unseeing for several minutes. Pain, anger and frustration bubbled through his veins like nitrogen in a diver with the bends. How in the hell could someone that small create so damn much havoc in his life? He grabbed the porch railing and leaned forward, welcoming the cooling mist that covered his face.

“I don’t think jumping off a three-foot porch will constitute a suicide attempt,” his mother said from behind him.

Ian whirled. “Holy shit, you scared the crap out of me.”

“I see your mouth needs a good scrubbing,” she said and handed him a steaming mug. “Here, drink this, then maybe you can explain why there are two women in tears because of you.”

He took the mug and gulped the too hot liquid and immediately choked on it. “This…could…constitute a murder…attempt,” he said between coughs. “What the hell—heck—did you put in here?”

His mother chuckled and patted his arm. “Nothing but a goodly dose of Irish Whiskey. Now what’s this nonsense about Cara ruining your wedding?”

Ian shook his head. Had he wandered into another dimension or fallen down a rabbit hole where nothing made sense any longer? He held out his hand to stall his mother and took a fortifying sip. Lord, she made strong Irish coffee.

“How did Cara get involved?” He couldn’t imagine Kelly confiding in his sister, no matter how upset she had been when she’d shut him out.

“Apparently she mentioned something about you and Kelly marrying and how perfect you were for each other. Nothing more than typical Cara exuberance, I’m sure. Now she’s worried because she heard you two arguing, and Kelly is quietly crying and pretending not to be.”

Ian groaned and scrubbed his face with one hand. How in the hell could he work anything out with Kelly if she refused to talk about it with him?

“Drink your coffee. If you want to tell me what’s going on, I’ll listen. If I find out you’ve hurt that girl upstairs, you’ll be eating Thanksgiving dinner at someone else’s house this year.”

In the middle of another swallow, Ian choked again. His mother hadn’t threatened to exclude him from a holiday meal since he’d been ten or twelve years old. He set his mug on the porch railing and opened his arms to her. Love swamped him as they hugged. And it occurred to him that Kelly had more in common with his mother than she imagined.

“Mom, I don’t have a clue if I hurt her or not. She’s so damn private, and in control, she won’t talk about the important things. Now she wants to call it quits because she says she’ll never marry me.”

God, he sounded like an adolescent breaking up with his first steady girlfriend.

“Honey, she’s hurting. Even your father noticed that at the service tonight.”

Ian leaned his butt against the railing. Val noticing anything, especially a woman’s emotions, said a lot for Kelly’s transparency.

“Did she lose a child?”

Startled by her observation, he could only gape.

She patted his hand. “Yes, Cara heard part of your argument, but I also saw the way Kelly held Teodora’s baby. She had a look of heart-breaking longing.”

He leaned back, letting the drizzle soak his shirt. He’d seen the same expression on Kelly when she’d watched Collin and Riley. What good was knowing she wanted children, if she refused to even consider marriage? “If she wants a child so badly, why does she deny herself even the possibility of one? I don’t get it.”

“It makes perfect sense, given what Brendan said about her childhood. Maybe for her, to love is to lose. I doubt she had any intention of falling in love when she agreed to go out with you.”

Ian snorted. “No problem there, she’s as immune to me as she is to love.”

Moreen chuckled again and shook her head. “Then you’re blind. That girl’s so in love with you it almost hurts to watch. Now I’m going to do something I’ve managed to avoid with all my children. But for you, I’ll make an exception.”

That was a scary prospect. His mother’s exceptions tended to be drastic. He eyed her warily. “What exactly do you have in mind?”

“For the sake of my future grandchildren, I’m going to stick my nose into your love life.”

Ian stepped forward, grabbing her by the shoulders. “No you don’t, the last thing Kelly needs is for a stranger to go poking into her life.”

The dim light didn’t hide the wide smile she gave him. “Sweetie, I’m exactly what Kelly needs.”

He arched his brows. “Why does she need you?”

Moreen gave a heartfelt sigh. “Because I’m a mother,” she said softly. “And I think Kelly needs a mother more than anything.”

* * *

Kelly flopped onto her back. How dare he mention her baby? He didn’t know a damn thing about Miranda or her marriage, for that matter. He had no business bringing it up, or thinking he knew anything about how she felt about it.

Really? Hadn’t she claimed to love him just yesterday? Of course, she’d waited until after he’d disconnected the call to say it. She sat up and punched her pillow, thankful Cara had left her alone. The last thing she needed was a witness to her mental breakdown. Jeez, she couldn’t keep up with her own arguments, how could she possibly—

A soft knock on the door halted her internal rant. Ignore or answer? The door opened, effectively taking the decision away from her.

She froze in place. Moreen stood in the doorway, her slight figure illuminated by the nightlight in the hall. Kelly’s heart bounced wildly about in her chest. Would she demand Kelly leave now?

“Good, you’re awake,” Moreen said and stepped into the room. “You don’t mind if I come in do you?”

“No, of course not.” Kelly drew her legs up and wrapped her arms around her knees. She doubted Moreen would have been dissuaded had she said she minded the intrusion.

Moreen made herself at home, sitting on the bed near Kelly’s feet. Her nearness didn’t feel particularly unsettling, as Kelly would have expected. If anything, her presence comforted.

“I know I shouldn’t butt in, but when one of my children is upset—”

“I’m sorry, I know I hurt Ian,” Kelly interjected, feeling lower than dirt. Heck, Val would be escorting her out the front door any minute now. She had no doubt the Razzamenti family would stick together.

Moreen shocked her by chuckling. “Ian? Goodness, I’m not concerned about him,” she said, waving her hand. “No, Cara’s worried about
you
. She thought you were crying and that she’d caused it all. As the baby of the family, she tends to believe the world revolves around her. Naturally, that means she influences all those circling bodies as well.”

She chuckled again and patted Kelly’s sheet-covered feet. “You act more like an only.”

Warmth spread through Kelly at Moreen’s simple touch. Ian’s family was big on physical contact like that. She hadn’t experienced so much touching and personal-space encroachment since she’d lived in the Middle East. She relaxed and settled her chin on her knees. “What’s an ‘only’?”

“An only child—a rarity in my family tree, or Val’s for that matter. You’re used to being self-sufficient and strong. Strong, the Razzamentis and Sullivans know all about, but self-sufficiency, now that’s a concept more likely to cause problems.”

Moreen cocked her head to one side. “Ian’s a rather typical middle child—a peace keeper if you will. He wants everyone to play nice and get along. He’s also very big on being needed. My guess is, your not needing him is driving him a little crazy.” Her smile waned.

Unease tickled Kelly’s consciousness. There was more to Moreen’s simple visit than a discussion on birth order.

“Kelly, I didn’t come up here to talk about your relationship with my son. Cara overheard something private, and being a mother, I’m compelled by nature to interfere.”

Her self-deprecating humor didn’t fool Kelly one bit, the woman was on a mission. Kelly tightened her arms around her legs and mentally manned her battle stations.

“What was your baby’s name?” Moreen asked softly.

An involuntary whimper stunned Kelly. Heat flashed over her body, bathing her in prickly sweat and embarrassment.

Moreen’s reaction was just as instantaneous. She moved to Kelly’s side and wrapped her arms around her. “Oh, Kelly, you mustn’t keep all that pain buried inside.”

Maybe it was her tone of voice, or the experienced way she held her that crumbled Kelly’s normal defenses. “Miranda…her name…was Miranda,” she heard herself say between sobs.

She couldn’t remember if her own mother had ever held her like that, rocking and whispering soft words of comfort to her, but it felt so natural, so necessary, she slipped her arms around Moreen and held on. Quite possibly for the first time in her life, Kelly cried without shame. It felt…cathartic.

“That kind of pain needs to be shared. I don’t know what I would have done without Val’s strength, or the children’s sweet comfort,” Moreen said.

Confused, Kelly pulled back, trying to read Moreen’s expression in the darkness. “I…do you mean…you…?”

Moreen smoothed Kelly’s hair from her forehead. “Yes, Val and I lost two of our babies. Ian was just four when Devin was born. He was premature and only lived a few weeks. If not for Val and all my other children comforting, as well as needing me, I’m not sure I could have survived it.

“Our very last child came two years after little Cara was born. Adriana died of an inoperable brain tumor just before her first birthday.”

Tears flowed down Kelly’s cheeks unabated. She covered her mouth with a shaking hand to stop another sob from escaping.

“Oh, Kelly, I’m not telling you about my babies to make you cry. The reason I can talk about Devin and Adriana is because I celebrated their lives as much as I mourned their deaths. The worst thing you can do to yourself and Miranda’s memory is to deny her.”

What Moreen went through had been so much worse than what Kelly had experienced. “I… Miranda wasn’t mine. God, I wasn’t her real mother. I only adopted her. Her mother, her real mother, died giving birth to her and, and I feel like an imposter.”

Kelly hadn’t gone through nine months of fear, anticipation and love like a birth mother would have. How could she possibly know what that kind of pain felt like?

Moreen tsked and patted Kelly’s hand. “You think because she was adopted you loved her less, that somehow her loss was less because you didn’t give birth to her? She was the child of your heart, wasn’t she?”

Kelly nodded.