A Flawed Heart (4 page)

She and her gaggle of girlfriends move right in front of the
stage, obscuring my view of Jason. They start dancing with each other and I
cringe at their attempt to look sexy. I finish my current beer and start
another one. No one else seems to be as annoyed with Skye’s presence as I am. I
stand and prepare to walk over to the bar.

“Refills.”
I mouth at Lydia and she
nods.

I watch the next few songs from the bar while I wait for
Alexa to refill our bucket. Some of the songs I know and some I don’t, but they’re
all beautiful in Jason’s voice. I begin to sweat a little. It’s warm in the
bar, but I think my heat has more to do with the captivating guitar player
ruling the stage right now.

Skye continues to dance, and her friends keep passing her
shots. She looks sloppier by the minute. As Jason finishes the song, she and
her friends make their way to the bathroom. Once she’s out of sight, I head
back to the table with the bucket of beer and sit down. Three of the beers are
instantly removed by Ben, Alana and Lydia.

“Hey, are you having fun? Isn’t this place great?” Lydia
asks.

“Yeah.
I’m having a great time.
Your brother is really good.”

Jason readjusts his sitting position and runs his fingers
through his hair. “This one is for someone very special.”

I look at Lydia and her smile fades a bit. Jason’s voice
gets soft and he plays gently…

The words are beautiful, and I recognize the song, but
something is off. Instead of confident, Jason looks bereaved—tortured. Some
deep wound in his heart is revealed as he sings. The agony in his voice
penetrates the whole room. Lydia’s eyes are tearing. She has a soft look on her
face. I feel a twinge in my heart as I listen. The grief pouring out of him
reminds me of the pain I felt when my dad died. The song ends, and there is
hesitant applause from the crowd. Jason stands and leaves the stage.

Lydia slides a finger under her eye to remove any mascara
that may have smudged. She sighs.
“Ah, my poor, sweet
brother.
I’m going out for some air. Anyone want to come?”

“I’ll go,” Ben says.

Alana stands to join them. Just then, one of Skye’s friends
rushes up to us and speaks to Alana. “Skye’s puking in the bathroom. Can you
give us a hand?”

Alana rolls her eyes and goes to help.

“
You coming
with?” Lydia asks.

I want some air too, but I also feel as if I need a minute
alone. “No, I’m good, thanks. See you in a minute?”

“Okay.”

As they head out the front of the bar, I grab my bag and
look for another way out. There’s an emergency exit near the bathroom. I push
open the door, and find myself standing in an alley on the side of the
building. The cool night air feels good on my face. There’s a streetlight
overhead, and little moths are flying around it. I light a cigarette and take a
long pull, enjoying the way the smoke relaxes me. I look to my left and see
someone leaning against the brick wall. He has no shirt on and his fists are
balled up and pressing against his eyes.

It’s
Jason.
I don’t want to intrude. I’m sure he came out here to be alone so I turn to go
back inside, only to find that the emergency door has no handle. My feet scrape
on the ground.

“Claire?”

“Yeah.
Uh sorry.
I was just having a cigarette. I didn’t mean to bother you.”

“You’re not a bother. Can I
bum
one from you? I left mine inside.”

I walk out of the light and into the shadow where Jason
stands, and hand him a cigarette. It’s disarming to see this man, who was so
sure of himself before, so vulnerable now. He’s not wearing a shirt, and
although I feel bad for him right now, I can’t help but stare at his perfect
chest. I take a drag of my cigarette.

“You were really good. I liked hearing you play.”

“Thanks. Sorry I got emotional up there. It’s a little
embarrassing.”

“Oh, don’t be embarrassed.” I shake my head trying to make
light of it.

“Sometimes, when I play I get overwhelmed. When I think
about my mother, I just…I feel so much regret. She suffered so much…you wouldn’t
understand.”

“You’re wrong. I do understand.”

He darts his eyes to mine, asking me an unspoken question.
His expression becomes soft with understanding. “Did you lose someone?”

“Yeah.
My daddy was killed when I
was twelve. He was a marine. He died in combat.”

I feel the familiar lump rise in my throat.

Jason takes a sharp breath in, flicks his cigarette away and
takes a step toward me. The intensity of his eye contact makes me apprehensive.
I never talk about my daddy with anyone. I look down at my feet and Jason
gently grabs and holds my wrist. The top of my head only reaches the base of
his neck. I stare at his fresh tattoo. It’s black, white, and gray. It’s a
Lilly with script around it. I can barely read it in the dim light but looking
closer I see it says, ‘Never let go’.

“The tattoo.
It’s for your mother?”
I whisper.

Jason nods and leans down toward me. He presses his forehead
against mine. The only sound is our breathing. I feel our pain in my chest. My
heart is ripping open, and I want to comfort him and hold him and kiss him. I
tilt my head back and look into Jason’s eyes. The current running between us is
palpable. I part my lips and press them to his. The kiss is shy and tentative.
His lips are so soft…they taste like beer and peppermint, and they’re warm and
strong against mine. I realize how brazen I’m being and pull away. As I move
back, Jason’s grip on me tightens and he places his hand on the small of my
back so I can’t step away.

I smile and kiss him again. This time he presses my body to
his and work his lips over mine, at first gentle and then rough. He lets go of
my wrist and I’m free to touch his body. I place one hand over his heart and
the other reaches up to touch his hair. He moans, grips my neck, and tilts my
chin up with his thumb. The kiss becomes more desperate, more filled with
desire—and warmth spreads through my body. He backs up against the wall and
begins to kiss my neck. He tangles his hands in my hair.

I take this opportunity to breathe, but he kisses me again
as he slides his hand down to my ass. I wrap one leg around his, craving more
contact, wanting to ease the ache I’m feeling. He gets hard as my body rubs
against his. He moans as I grind up against him and kisses me harder. I move my
mouth to his shoulder and nibble at his flesh. I’ve never felt more aroused or
been this forward. I feel as though could kiss him every day and never tire of
the way our mouths and bodies fit together. His grip tightens, and I know he
must be feeling it too.

“You’re so beautiful. You feel so good.” He knots his
fingers in my hair and kisses me again.

Just then, I hear the worst possible sound. The emergency
door opens and Ben is standing there.

Jason and I break away from our kiss and all the blood rushes
to my cheeks.

“Uh…whoops. Shit.
Uh, Jay?
Skye’s
puking and Alana wants me to drive them back to their apartment. Claire, Lydia
told me to ask you if you want a ride.”

“Yeah, yes.
Thanks.”

“I’ll be out front,” Ben says.

Thankfully, he puts the doorstop down, so Jason and I will
be able to re-enter the building the way we came out. The reality of what I’ve
just done sinks in. I made out with a guy I
just met
, behind a bar, while his
girlfriend
is in the
bathroom puking. I look up at him, expecting to see that pained expression in
his eyes again, this time from regret over what we’ve just done—but it’s not
there.

He’s pressing his fingers to his lips and underneath them is
a sexy grin. I know he was as turned on as I was because I felt it, but this is
wrong. I’m not this kind of girl. I don’t kiss boys I just met and I’m not a
boyfriend stealer.

“I’m sorry I did that,” I stammer, pulling away. “I didn’t
mean to kiss you. I mean, I shouldn’t have done that. You have a girlfriend. I
can’t believe I just did that. I’m so sorry.”

His face falls and his hand drops to his side. “Wait,
Claire. Wait a minute…”

“I’m sorry!” I turn and run back into the bar.

I shuffle through the crowd and out the front door. I climb
into the front of Alana’s jeep, and

when
I look in the backseat I see
her holding Skye’s head in her lap, her blonde hair splayed everywhere. Skye
groans and Alana rolls her eyes at me.

* * * *

After we drop them off, it’s just me and Ben. I feel the
awkward silence and I want to say something, but I don’t know what. Ben speaks
first.

“Listen, I’m not
gonna
say
anything about what I saw. I’m not sure why Jason’s even with Skye. I don’t
think he really likes her. It’s not my business, and I’m not getting involved
in this.”

“Okay, thanks. I feel awful.”

“Do
not
feel bad, Claire. I don’t condone cheating or
anything, but I’ve known Jason for years, and I’ve
never
seen him look
at a girl the way he looked at you tonight.”

I don’t really know what to say. I’m flattered, overwhelmed
and embarrassed all at the same time. I thank Ben for the ride and he drops me
at my apartment. Lydia is still out with Kat, and I change, brush my teeth, and
crawl into bed. As soon as I close my eyes, I see Jason’s beautiful face and my
mind picks up where our bodies left off…

My hands are pressed up against a brick wall. Jason is
behind me, pressing his body into mine. One of his hands is cupping my breast
under my shirt; the other is shoved into the front of my unbuttoned jeans…

I open my eyes. I’m tangled in my sheets and sweating. I
look over and see Lydia peeking through the door.

“You okay, Claire? Did you have a bad dream?”

“No, I’m fine. I’m okay, thanks.”

I roll over and sigh. It definitely was not a
bad
dream. I lie still for a moment trying to recover, then sit up in bed and look
out the window.

It’s morning. Streams of rain run down the glass. As I watch
the rain fall, I think about last night. I don’t know what came over me. Seeing
Jason for the first time
…feeling
that connection…

He said I was beautiful, twice. He bought me a drink, we had
eye sex, and we
made out.
And it wasn’t like a little kiss, it was truly
intense. I would have let him rip my clothes off if we hadn’t been interrupted.
I’ve never wanted a guy like that before. I’ve never
met
anyone like Jason before. I’ve never experienced that level of
desire. My body gets hot remembering how he smelled, how he tasted, what he
said—but it wasn’t just a physical connection. We revealed our pain to each
other. It was so intimate…

I have to try to get this guy out of my head. I
can’t
let myself behave like
that again.

I
decide to go to the YMCA and have a swim in the pool. I throw my things in my
gym bag, and dress in track pants and a hoodie. I slip on my new yellow rain boots
and grab my umbrella.

The streets are busy with people commuting to work. The rain
is light, but steady. I walk to the Southside following the directions Lydia
gave me to the Y.

I walk past the weight room and treadmills to the pool. Inside,
I go to the locker room and change into my racer-back one piece, lock my things
up, and grab a towel. I find two other people at the pool, one blonde girl
drying off, and a very fit guy with a swim cap on. I step down the ladder, wet
my cap and force my hair into it. As soon as swim I feel better. I take about
twenty laps and the muscles in my shoulders and legs work as the water rushes
around me. Everything fades away.

When I get out of the pool, the fit guy is drying off. We
make eye contact, and he smiles. I smile back, then head out of the pool back
toward the locker room and past the treadmills. I think I recognize someone,
but that’s impossible. Only it’s not. The shirtless guy running on the
treadmill who has caught my eye is Jason. I don’t want him to see me, but I can’t
look away. His face is red from the pace of his running and he glimmers with
a sheen
of sweat. He has his ear-buds in, and when I see his
tattoo-covered chest my mind flashes to last night…his body pressing into me,
his mouth on mine…

He sees me. He blinks as if his eyes are playing tricks on
him, and begins to slow the treadmill down. In a panic, I turn and half run out
of the gym. I don’t bother opening my umbrella as I hurry down the sidewalk.

When
I reach my building, I turn around to face him—only he’s not there. He didn’t
follow me. I feel relieved and disappointed, all in the same moment.

Upstairs, Kat is alone listening to some soft music and
sketching in a notebook. “Hey, Claire,” she calls, “You want to come get some
coffee?”

“Yeah, that sounds great. I just need to shower really fast.”

“Okay, take your time.” She turns her attention back to her
work.

I was hoping the swim would calm me down, and it did, until
I saw Jason. I wish I hadn’t run away. I should talk to him about what
happened, but I’m far too nervous. I can’t trust myself around him. After
dressing, I slip on my trusty, ugly, yellow rain boots. Kat has
a purple pair that are
slightly less dorky than my bright
yellow ones, but really no one looks good in these things. I miss my flip
flops.

We head over to the café and chat about Jason’s show last
night, but I don’t share how he and I went at each other like lust driven
fiends outside the bar. Kat has a really chilled out vibe to her, and being
with her is helping calm my internal frenzy. There’s a long line wrapped around
the tables in the center of the café. People my age are working behind the
counter, which reminds me I need to get a job. I vow to make a serious effort
before this weekend.