A Ghost of a Chance (14 page)

When she opened her eyes again, they were driving through a busy traffic-filled city that she didn’t recognize. It was still dark, still the middle of the night she assumed.

“
Where are we?” she said.

He put his arm around her, pulling her nearer to his warm body. “We’re in my town.”

They parked on the side of an impressively tall shiny building and headed toward its impressively large brass-accented entrance. Jack had his arm around her as he ushered her forward. “It’s all right,” he whispered in her ear.

A man in a bellman’s uniform greeted them almost at once as they entered. “Good evening Mr. Brennan. We’ve missed you here sir.”

“
Thank you Wallace. I’ve missed being here.” Hallie looked at Jack’s face. There was something there, a sadness that lighted across his features.

“
Are you all right?” she asked him as they headed to a nearby elevator.

He kissed her softly on the cheek never letting her stray very far from him. “Yes, I just haven’t been home in awhile.”

He didn’t know quite what to expect when he opened the door of his 14th floor New York City apartment. He’d done well as a cooperate lawyer; made plenty of money; lived in a nice place; drove a nice car; but had lived a life that now seemed in most respects to have been absolutely futile and aimless.

He kept holding Hallie close to him. Because he was all too aware that at any moment the dream could end. He was a bit incredulous that it had not already. “It,” whatever the hell “it” was, had pulled out everything and the kitchen sink to ruin him in Hallie’s eyes. But she had seen through it all – a “flesh peddler” of all things? Well “it” was definitely not a master at the art of subtlety.

Somehow he had gained control of things in the dream. It was an oddly empowering feeling, and it had been his choice to bring her here – a place from his old life. It was familiar ground, and perhaps, he hoped, she might just breathe some life into something that seemed so barren for him now.

He unlocked the door with the key that he found in his pocket. It swung open and the dusty impressions of the past flooded toward him.

She looked in quiet and wide-eyed. “This is your place?”

“
It was,” he murmured.

He flicked on the light switch that cascaded across the ceiling of the den in a series of strobe lighting. The decorating was stark – modern, brass, white and black furniture with a large tropical fish tank built into the wall. She walked in by herself leaving him behind, turning around slowly as though quietly soaking in all the details. He didn’t disturb her, just watched as she stopped in front of a turbulent painting of the ocean on a far wall. Ironically, it had been one of his favorites. “You like the water,” she spoke aloud but almost to herself.

“
Yes,” he moved beside her. “I’ve always wanted to live near the water.”

She smiled a little sadly, “Me too.” And then she turned toward him and laughed with more bewilderment than genuine humor. “Why does this seem more real than my own life right now?”

He rubbed his eyes and noticed for the first time that his face was rough. He was unshaven. How long had it been since he’d thought about something as simple as that? And how long would it be before he would again? “I don’t have too many answers for you Hallie.”

She looked at him intently. What a joy he felt in knowing that she was seeing him, the real him, no matter what the context.

“
But you do have some answers, don’t you Jack?”

He couldn’t deal with this yet. He walked to the sliding glass door across the apartment. “You haven’t seen my balcony view of New York City.”

“
That sounds like an evasion.”

“
I’m a lawyer, evasions are my specialty.”

She smiled softly, “Now there’s a dribble of information.”

“
Come on. I wouldn’t be the proper host if I didn’t show you something breathtaking tonight.”

She laughed, “That you’ve done, a few times.”

He opened the sliding glass doors and led her out into the cool night. It was all as he’d left it. Even the plants needed watering. She rested her hands on the pale brick of the balcony’s ledge again deep in some impression that this place was creating for her.

There was a breeze that fluttered her dark hair softly around her shoulders. She had never seemed so beautiful to him as she did in this moment. He tried hard to engrave the image in his mind. He knew that such gifts for him would be sparse. “It’s beautiful Jack. You were right, absolutely breathtaking, but lonely somehow. I was wondering what a boy who loves being near the water is doing stuck way up here in the middle of a city.”

He answered dismally. “Playing the game I suppose. Thinking that this made me some kind of a success.”

She eyed him thoughtfully. “I see. My knight in shining armor is some kind of a wheeler dealer.”

“
Maybe that’s who I used to be.”

Her eyes, dark in the shadows, were focused so intensely on him filled with her innocent wisdom. “Who are you now Jack?”

He reached out and touched her face with his hand just for a moment, just to be near her warmth again. “There are things I want to say to you Hallie, because I know otherwise I’ll never get to.”

“
I don’t understand this. You keep acting as though you know me so well, but we don’t really know each other, do we?”

He pulled her closer touching softly the sides of her face with both his hands. “What else Hallie?”

“
This can’t be,” she seemed so troubled. He could feel it through just touching her skin. “It’s impossible, but I feel like you’ve been near me.”

He was torn. His mind, his sharp, analytical mind, was telling him that he had to stop. That telling her too much wasn’t right or fair. But his heart was dragging him into a different arena, a terribly hazardous one. Could she live with knowing that the new man in her life wasn’t even alive anymore? Was ostensibly just a ghost? She grabbed his hands with hers. “You’ve got to help me Jack. All of this is driving me crazy, and the book I’m trying to write. Good grief it’s crazy, but I feel you all over it and. . .,” she stopped, her voice choked up with tears.

He stroked her hair gently with his hands desperately trying to soothe her in some way. All of this was flying way out of his control. “It’s all right Hallie.”

“
And my God, your eyes Jack. I’ve seen them in my mind in a character that I put in the book.” He pulled her face to his and kissed her passionately, trying to silence the growing panic in her voice.

She pulled away, tears running down her cheeks. “Why can’t you just tell me what’s going on?” she pleaded.

“
I can’t Hallie. It would be too hard.”

“
Why? Why would it be too hard? I don’t understand. Is it something awful?”

She had no idea how she was torturing him. “You don’t understand Hallie. I want to protect you. I want more than anything for you to be safe and happy. I’ve never cared about anyone else as much as I care about you. I’ve never put someone else before myself before.” She was breathing hard, still crying. He kissed her tears. “Please Hallie, I don’t want to make you sad.”

She was shaking her head. “It’s not fair. Nobody has ever cared about me that much. Nobody has ever made me feel like this, so much. Why can’t it be simple? Why can’t we just be together? You’re not someone I just made up. I know that. I would feel that if it were true. Jack please, there must be some way.”

He held her tightly and kissed her face over and over. “I want that more than anything, more than anything,” he whispered.

And then again, now with an amazing strength, she pushed him away. She looked almost angry with him. “Then what is it? Tell me who you really are. I’m not a person who can just trust blindly anymore. Why do you keep talking about the man you used to be Jack? What do you mean?”

He was surprised and a little shocked by the fiery woman now standing in front of him. There were so many facets to her, and how he ached to uncover each and every one.

He turned away and looked for a moment on the grand skyline of the city before him. This he really hadn’t missed much. He’d never truly felt like a part of it and that hadn’t changed.

“
Damn it, I’m strong enough to hear it Jack.”

He saw her face illuminated in the artificial light cascading off the building. It was true. She was strong, stronger than anyone he’d ever known. “I know that Hallie. I just don’t know if I’m strong enough to tell it.”

There was an infinite silence between them, and then she said quietly, “Try.”

He couldn’t suppress a smile. She stood there waiting, solid, prepared for the worst. And God help him he was about to deliver it. “Hallie, the thing is. . .”

He had no idea how to get into this, how to soften this. There was another endless gulf of silence. “What is the thing Jack?”

“
You see, not so very long ago I lived here.”

“
I got that.”

“
Well good,” another pause, “and then something happened to me.”

“
What happened?”

She wasn’t missing a beat. It was nerve-wracking. “I was out there in the rat race, like always, trying to hustle to get to a meeting and then. . . well, I got sick.” The memory felt so vague and insubstantial now.

Her voice was soft and measured. “What do you mean sick?”

“
I mean,” his own voice sounded very flat to him. “I had a heart attack.”

Her face melted over with concern. She reached out to touch his arm with sympathy. “Are you all right now?”

He cleared his throat, “Not exactly.”

More concern, “What? Were there some kind of complications Jack?”

He considered this, “Yes, I guess you could say that. There were definitely complications.”

She waited patiently, but in the moment he wasn’t elaborating. “Like what?”

“
Well, Hallie.”

Her face was very serious but intensely caring. He could see it in her eyes. Already somehow she’d woven him into her life. She had claimed him as her own. He belonged to her now.

“
I can handle it Jack.” He knew it was true, but that did not lessen the despair of delivering his news.

“
I didn’t recover Hallie, from the heart attack. That was my last day as the old Jack Brennan.”

She smiled with hesitation, “The old? What do you mean? Who are you now?”

He knew nothing would be the same, but there was nowhere to go but forward. “I’m dead Hallie. I’m a spirit, a ghost, whatever you want to call it, but I did die that day.”

Her face seemed frozen with that partial smile, and then she spoke, “I don’t understand.”

“
It’s true,” he stated flatly.

“
You mean, you’re really dead,” she said with a nervous little giggle.

“
As much as I hate to admit it.”

She just stared at him blankly for a minute then looked away. “Well Monica certainly would get a kick out of this,” she whispered. The comment seemed directed to no one in particular.

It wasn’t quite the reaction he’d expected, but under the circumstances who the hell knew what to expect. “And as a ghost you’ve been.”

“
Well actually, I’ve been living with you in your house.”

“
My house?”

“
Yes, in Virginia. You of course can’t see me, but I’ve been there ever since you moved in. The little dog, he sees me.” He tagged that on. Why? He really couldn’t say.

“
Oh Jack. Well, lucky him. And I have to go to sleep to see you. “ She nodded absently as if with a loss for words then, after an awkward second, turned and walked back into the apartment.

He followed her, more than concerned about the calm way she was taking all of this. She sat down on his couch and just sort of stared forward as though lost deeply in thought.

“
Hallie, I’ve been trying to reach you for sometime. I’ve had some success with your writing.”

Softly, “My writing?”

“
Yes, I’ve been giving you ideas.”

“
Jacob Mcfarin.”

“
Yes, he was my idea.”

“
Well that explains his eyes, I suppose.” Her voice was vague. Maybe it was the shock of it all.