A Ghost of a Chance (17 page)

But Jack wasn’t here to stop her. He wasn’t here to explain to her why it was wrong and why in some small but significant way it was a betrayal of him. All of that was made up of small whispers in her mind, wisps of truth that could so easily be pushed aside.

Why was she going? She had the power of free will, to say no to him.

Partly, perhaps was curiosity. She was curious as to what had become of him in the four years they’d been apart and more than that curiosity of what she’d become – what she would be now as she faced him.

Chances were this was foolhardy and it would all come to nothing. But she would go and face him, the man who had been so instrumental in altering the course of her life forever.

There would be no Jack to protect her; no Jack to stop her from going; and in some strange silly way she was angry with him for that. It was something he had no power over, but on a level she was truly miffed.

Hallie wore a black linen jumpsuit. It wasn’t sexy, wasn’t conservative; it was simply unique. She wore a set of mother of pearl earrings that her mother had bought her and the heart necklace from her Great Aunt Marie. She had nothing from Jack – no pin, no scarf, no ornament of his devotion. It would have been nice to wear something that he’d given to her, to show as an outward symbol that she was devoted; she was, for whatever that was worth.

It was a quiet, dimly lit restaurant. When she arrived she could see Edward across the room already sitting at a table. From where she stood she could even see that he had already ordered a bottle of wine and an appetizer. As she paused in the entranceway, a cold creeping chill of anxiety traversed her spine.

There he was at his table, sipping his wine, eating his food, and with a sudden rush of clarity she wondered what in the hell she was doing.

Jack was heartened by the hesitation on her face. Standing closely beside her, he whispered, “That’s it Hallie. Leave the cold-hearted son of a bitch out there on his own. He doesn’t deserve you, not even five minutes of you.” But before she could begin to sort it out, the waiter was beside her inquiring about a table, and she was allowing herself to be led to Edward.

As she approached, he stood up to greet her. He was dressed in a dark blue suit, even though it was the summer time. It was one of his favorite colors – suit colors at any rate.

Hallie didn’t recognize this one, although it didn’t differ from his old ones all that much. She’d always thought he probably would be content to have a closet full of dark blue suits. “I was beginning to wonder if you’d make it,” he commented with little warmth.

“
Me too.”

He smiled thinly with his thin, pale lips. “Well, I suppose I deserve that.” He would make the effort to be charming tonight. She knew as surely as she stood there that he had now categorized her as something that had to be won over.

He’d pulled out a chair for her. There were the manners, slick, good manners, and she’d sat down tentatively. She did notice that he’d looked at her outfit but hadn’t commented. Compliments from Edward had always been hard to come by.

As he’d settled in across from her, she mentally took inventory of him. He looked essentially the same, perhaps a few extra lines turning downward around his mouth. His skin was still that extra pale, sallow color. His eyes, well they looked about the same, except perhaps a little less reflective of light, but then they could have always been like that. She wasn’t sure. The memory of those years now seemed so insubstantial and blurred.

Jack had settled down in a chair between the two at the small table. He could feel Hallie’s nervousness, and it bothered him. In fact, he could practically feel it seeping into him. It was extraordinarily tense and uncomfortable. He couldn’t really fathom why she was here, or perhaps he didn’t want to.

“
Well, you’ve had a productive four years since the divorce.”

She cleared her throat, “Yes, I’ve been busy.”

“
More than that I should say.” He poured some wine into a glass and put it in front of her. She smiled, so predictable. He didn’t ask if she wanted it, just did it. But deliberately, she didn’t touch it.

“
Do you want some of this calamari? It’s delicious.”

She shook her head, “No, I hate that stuff.”

“
Really? That’s funny I don’t remember that.”

“
I guess you weren’t paying attention.” She smiled without feeling.

Edward calmly sipped his red wine, very dry. She knew that without tasting it. He took small, controlled, measured sips.

It seemed an apt metaphor for his personality. He was measured, controlled, always in control of himself, of his surroundings.

There had been a time, a long time ago, when she had thought such attributes to be denote confidence, but now, from her vantage point, they spoke of something else altogether.

Hallie, think before you speak. Think about what impression you make, how it looks
.

Where had they been? An office party?
Everything you do reflects on me.
You are a reflection of me.

Had he said it? She couldn’t remember. It felt as though he did. He acted as though he had.

The waiter arrived with the menus and pulled her back to the present. “Can I bring you anything else while you. . .”

“
Yes,” Hallie cut him off abruptly, “I’d like a glass of white zinfandel.”

He smiled, looking a little sheepishly at the glass of red wine already in front of her. “Of course Ma’am.” And then he was gone.

She found Edward eyeing her with some calculation, some interest. Evidently, she had surprised him. “So Hallie, my secretary read one or two of your books. I don’t remember the titles. Are you going to continue, writing the same sort of thing?”

Here it comes. That was Edward’s code for he didn’t approve of her subject matter. She smiled again. Why she was finding this awfully amusing was beyond her. Perhaps she was just perverse. “Do you mean the vampire horror books?”

He whitened a bit around his mouth, “I suppose.”

“
Well, since you asked Edward I was thinking about heading in another direction.”

He nodded as he, perhaps a tad too gingerly, stuffed a piece of calamari in his mouth. “That might be a wise move on your part “

She nodded, “Do you think?”

“
Well, for your own best interest. You don’t want to be labeled as particular sort of writer.”

“
No, you know. I think you’re right. I’ve decided that my next book is going to have a lot of more graphic sex in it. Sex and blood because it will be vampire sex.”

She noted that Edward was now frowning when the waiter arrived. He placed Hallie’s wine in front of her beside the untouched glass of red. She smiled prettily at him then took a big noisy slurp out of it. The young dark-haired man just stared at her with somewhat astonished eyes, and then hesitantly asked, “Are you ready to order?”

Edward began with steely control in his voice, “I think we need. . .”

“
You know I’d like some spaghetti and meatballs with great big meatballs.” She turned to the waiter, “Are they pretty large?” And then she giggled, “You know the meatballs.”

“
Um, well Ma’am I can ask the chef to make them extra large, the meatballs. If you want.”

She grinned, “That would be super.”

“
And for you sir?”

The frown was still in place. “I’ll have the eggplant parmesan.”

He nodded, “Very good.” And made a hasty retreat.

Hallie smiled with extra sparkle at Edward, “What do you want to talk about now?”

Jack was glad that they couldn’t hear him because he was sure he would bring down the walls of this place with the roars of his laughter.

Edward fiddled nervously with his wine glass as Hallie swirled her spaghetti artistically around her fork. The sauce on her spaghetti was thin and runny. A proper metaphor for the whole evening, she thought with perverse amusement. He’d scarcely spoken to her since their initial conversation. She remembered in the past when he’d use his silences as chastisements of her. But that was back when she gave a shit.

She was careful not to look directly at him too often. Certainly she didn’t want him to think that she was too interested in him. Although she was, though not in the way he thought. He appeared the same, acted the same, but seemed somehow a weaker man, a bit less composed, less sure of himself. Or perhaps, she was the one who had changed, and she just saw him through different eyes.

Even though her life felt mostly like a bit of a shamble just now, she was undeniably a stronger woman. Life had strengthened her metal. Loss and difficulty had placed steel in her spine. Whether that was better or not, it was a reality. To allow herself to be molded again by anyone would be impossible. Her core was too brittle, her personality set and fired by struggle.

As she sat across from Edward calmly reflecting, there was no denying that it would be gratifying for her at this juncture to find more chinks in his armor; to find that all his selfishness and insensitivity had eroded him through the years just as she had predicted.

Then unexpectedly, an image of him from long ago that she’d forgotten suddenly surfaced in her mind. It had been nearly a week after their baby had been stillborn. She was walking by the baby’s nursery that she had so meticulously prepared for it.

As she came to the doorway, she stopped. Edward was inside the room, sitting in the rocking chair that she’d picked out not one month before. His face was in his hands, and he was hunched over.

She knew that he was crying, something quite honestly in all their years together she couldn’t remember Edward ever having done before. She knew that he could use her comfort. But there was nothing left inside her to comfort him with. She was empty, having only bitterness left to fill her. Her feelings for him had died long ago. The baby was only the last reason to stay.

The anger that she still carried toward him softened a bit at the memory. It had been easier to think of him as the great monster that pain had created in her mind instead of like this – just a person, weak, flawed, but not really a monster. All the failures with Edward she had turned inward on herself. All of the pain, the humiliation of those years began to ease just a bit.

She felt lighter, lighter of heart than she had for such a long time. Her fork slipped unceremoniously from her fingers and clanked onto the plate. Taking her napkin off her lap, she tossed it onto the table. “Well Edward, much as this has been an eye opening evening, I have a life, and it’s time for me to go.”

His eyebrow rose crookedly in surprise. “You’re leaving?”

“
Yes, I’ve had enough, and I want to go home.”

“
Hallie,” he began cautiously, “There is something I’ve wanted to speak to you about all evening, but I’ve been hesitant.”

“
Well that doesn’t seem like you. As I remember, you never had much problem conveying your feelings.”

He smiled grimly, “You dislike me a great deal now, don’t you?”

She shrugged, not wanting to deny what had become obvious even to him in his obtuseness.

He cleared his throat, “Yes well, I suppose you’ve always been more generous than I.”

“
I suppose I have,” and then she added, “in the past.”

“
So you’ll indulge me for a few more minutes.”

“
Not necessarily,” she quipped, more than eager to leave without hearing any confessions from him. It wasn’t necessary. Anything she’d wanted to find out she had. He’d outlived his usefulness.

“
This is difficult for me. You know me. I’m not a fanciful person. My life is grounded in the real world.”

Her mind briefly flickered across the tall dark-haired secretary that Edward had gotten in the sack while Hallie was pregnant.

It was only one that she knew of, although she suspected others. She wondered if that had been one of his more grounded moments. “Your point?”

“
Lately, well honestly, lately I’ve been having feelings concerning you.”

“
Feelings?”

He adjusted his tie. He really was nervous, how odd and delightful. “Yes thoughts, feelings, even some dreams.”

“
No kidding.”

“
I know you to be a more open sort of person than I am, open to strange things.”