A Girl Is a Half-Formed Thing (13 page)

That morning. Blowing breath across my face. Cousin hair in my eyes. Younger. White to the touch and much too close. See her eyelids going I feel the sun thinking it will get here somehow through. So get up. Cold all round me. Going up my feet. Somewhere in this house is. I walk there look out. Brave day for all the clouds. It could might be sunny later. In here. Downstairs. I’ll get washed and dressed. Go on out and up the beach a bit. Across the stones. See if there’s a view. Be out. Be out a lot. And so much people clatting clatting downstairs. They’re all get ready. Make the way for visitors condolers and drinkers of tea. I don’t want. Roped up with that.

My face tight. Washed out. Fine I’m wan. Whey. Even mascara can’t do plenty. I go down. Wearing my best frock not the black. Soon’s soon enough for that. Too soon. I’d almost say but banging heart stops that. I am. I should be. There’s an awful lot that’s going on today.

I see you hunkered by the fireplace. Giving it a good rake out. Morning. Sleeping? Did you have? Some wriggling little farting one who wasn’t sleeping half the night. We played gameboy after that. Well just as well you brought it then. True you say. I go on in now. Don’t be nervous. Don’t delay.

Go in. On in. To the kitchen. Blazing it was heat and lights. People stoking up the range and crossing over teapot stretch to pour a pan of sausage out. Plate of fried egg black pudding. Cigarettes a thousand to one. Legs crossed. Knees out. Reading the news. Radio going and chat chat chat they’re racing over and fro. In the corner. In the corner there. Turn my eyes on that. Turn away. He is standing with some uncle. Smoke a cigarette. Talk. Smoke a cigarette.

Look now there she is says Mammy. In her element of family here. She’ll do the talking. I will let. Not too bad. We’ve been waiting on you for you to get up. Where did you disappear to last night at all? And would you ever look at the time. Your aunt’s been asking after you. He. Stop that. Looking. Now then. At me. Catch that. Strange. Surprised. Smile. Messy hair. Creases running all around his eyes. I would not have known her, he says.

Well my girl says his wife come in. Well you’ve grown. You’re all grown-up. She gives me a kiss with her thin lips. Has a little stroke of my hair. Well look at this. That’s changed a shade. Out of a bottle no doubt. I can always tell. Say hello to your uncle over there. And I do. I go and kiss him on the cheek. The skin. That bone. Which he lets me. Says do you remember me at all? Nod to that say yes. Cunning game but. You haven’t changed I say. No you haven’t changed at all. See she’s still the Madam that she was he says. And laughs. And hardly looks at me. They laugh. Approve of saying. And I can’t tell what’s the. Join up. What does. Makes me uneasy. Guilty somehow. Is that right? I. Laugh. Ignore. The banter. Fade off and let them get along.

I make my breakfast. Eat that. Don’t look. Don’t be letting my face get warm. I’ve done worse much more times again but. Drink up. Say I am going out. But love. But love. So much to do. Sandwiches and cakes. All hands on deck. Too many Mammy in here. Anyways you know well I can’t cook. I’m going for a walk. I’ll be back soon enough and do the few bits when I get in. Well now. Be sure you do. There’ll be loads of people your grandfather’s neighbours he was a well-respected man. The strange this. Coldness. She upset. But what for I don’t know. For him it must. Feeling bad for the evil house and all that stuff. Go on time on. I’ve on my mind. The other things. I’m out the door.

That air. That air God save me. That wind going so hard on my back. In my frozen mouth. What is it the uncle bother me like that? What would he say? Remember other kitchens we have known? Remember that chair or the scratch in my? What’s that man to me? Fucked me long, long ago. Hurt me and not well. It’s not in me anymore. A thing that happened on my route to here. But him? Sure maybe guilt’s the thing. I should say rejoice uncle. Remember what we did those years ago? Could be my aunt knows. And that would be something worse again but no she doesn’t. I would tell. I’d see it on her. Who cares forget. In two days I’ll be gone. Resolve to. What did you expect? The surf coming. Jumping up on the sand won’t catch me anyway. I’ll go back in. Just laugh at it for Christ Christ sake.

Flurry. Jesus they are bump him down the stairs. Two uncles. In his coffin. Granda. Toes first. Without doing well. Oh you’re back now. In the nick of time she says. Throw over those sheets. In the sitting room. We’re putting him. Lengthways by the fireplace. They’ll put the prop- ups on the mat. Is the radiator off in there? Well it’s just as well it’s cold. Mind out now til I pull it round. Don’t want them trip on it split open his head god forgive me I’m awful. She’s chattering away. So I drape all the furniture with white sheets. And turn those pictures round to face the wall. Some aunt there stop the clock. You can pull the curtains to too. Not fully. Just in a bit. He is now. Set him gently. God he’s heavy. Did he put on a bit of weight in that last while the uncles say. Now don’t be talking about the dead like that. But still they’re laughing all them taking the coffin lid back off. When did that come, I say. While you were out. Out gallivanting on today of all days someone’s saying snappish just behind my back. I wonder that is. Oh who? Well fine whatever then. Now young lady, you will not. Lay out those Mass cards. We already have some from just the neighbours. There’ll be more. Christ it’s freezing. Put out the silver candlesticks have we white candles? No. I’ll go out and get I say. You’ll have to go right into the town for them well. Well. I’ll give her a lift I hear uncle say.

Walk to his car we’re awkward. They are watching our backs shouting bring back Jamesons while you’re at it. No. Bushmills. Something like that. Awful quiet. See him say that’s the one there. With a hot smell in it opens of leather and air freshener. Rented so and no point looking for clues. Sit in. He says. Put your belt on. How are you? How are you? Long time no see. No. You’re looking well turn the key. He take off down the road. I am awkward as I never was looking at my knees. Worser even than thirteen. Yes not bad and you? The same old the same. It’s nice to see you. I sometimes wonder how you’ve been. Well fine. Go back to silence stay there let’s stay there please. He drives then like he heard me. Only says Right! when he stop the car.

I come back with candles whiskey in my hands and wave for him to start up. He does. Would you say he’d like that? Your grandfather. What? Drinking at his wake. How would I know? You. I don’t know didn’t know him at all. That’s sad. Not really. I always found him quite severe. I’m sure he says. When I first met your aunt... The trail of that. And we don’t follow. Can’t begin to guess, for it goes where? I say And my cousins? How are they? I haven’t been talking to them here yet. I heard one got married was it last June? Yes to some fellow. Do you like him? I suppose. Suppose? I don’t really know my children he says. He says. You’ve grown so much. You’ve grown up. You’re a woman now. I have. I am. I suppose I am. And beautiful. Thanks for saying so. He drive. Arrive. Pull in. The door. They come out aunt and mother too he says take this stuff. I’m just going to take her a run out the road. We were talking about where you and I met. I want show. Says the aunt curl. Fine. Now I wonder but. Away. We. Go.

We go up the hill. Like that. Look down he says. Great sweep on the bay. Lovely. Feel the car catch in the wind from the sea. Beat upon us. Keep those windows. What’s this I am at? I don’t know. I don’t know. I cannot close my eyes with it. New or afraid. No not that. Not those things at all.

He stops. Pulling up. It’s lovely isn’t it here. A very fine. A beautiful spot. I walked down there this morning point. Yes. I know. I saw you go out. Right so. Stop up that chat. Silence now. We silent sit til. I have often thought he says. His voice bring me duffel coats school buses back. Drag me. Like it was. No I’m a long way off from that. He says About you and. What we did. What I did. I did then. Twist my stomach. Look at the rain. I know I’m going in under with him. Where that is? Somewhere. But do this. I think do this. Whatever it is.

So are you feeling guilty? What? About what? About that time when you fucked me? Yes. About that. I feel guilty and I am. Because I was thirteen? Look you’re no baby now. No. So stop with that. You know me. I do. Know you he says. Well. Go on say it while no one’s here. Then. Look, do you think he says. You don’t think do you that. What? I abused you? That you abused me? Well that’s the question to end them all is here. Is here. I stop and going all around I know already but must see it first. Say then at last. No. I don’t. Do you? Think that? At thirteen after all I was still a child. Quiet quiet in the car. All I hear is breath. I always wish I hadn’t he says. All the time? Didn’t you enjoy it? I ask. I shouldn’t have done it and I know that. But you did. I did. Fuck me. Fuck you. And did you enjoy it? Yes. Why am I asking this? And this? Why did you if you knew it was so wrong? Squirm him. I couldn’t somehow not. You were like. You were like. It doesn’t matter he sighs there is no good thing to say. Well then. That’s that. And that concludes this little chat. Your conscience is clear and I won’t be calling the guards. I’m A-okay as the Yankees say. Yes I see. And I suppose there’s been others? Yes. Plenty since? A lot. You haven’t damaged me if you’re afraid of. Haven’t soiled my goods. You’re angry. I’m not. I am not. I. You’ve got beautiful. Well you know growing up does that. What’s wrong? Now. That’s enough for him. I’ve had enough. Because it’s all going merry round and round. In my head. And. But. Still. I won’t say any more. I can’t. But. Will you kiss me coming out of my mouth before I know what I’ve said at all. Will you kiss me? What’s coming next? There’s a bit pause. He look down at his hands sitting flat on his knees. He won’t do I think. He won’t. That’s good. What do I want with. Shame. Jesus. Then he does. As he wants to. Now I see. He wants to. Now. Mess up. Botch this. Conversation. Mouth on. Feeling bluster winds rattle the car. And the cold sea burning over in my guts. And he kisses me til my mouth is sore is red with it. Hurts I remember. This taste of his tongue I’ve not known. Remembered like this from anyone else. Bite me. All his mouth. Not alone. Kiss til. I. He touch me. Go on pull me. He could run right through me now. Riot. This is not like. Coming home. I feel that. There. His lips. I’m. It’s too. Much. Jesus. Give my eyes back. Let me. See. My. Choke. Stop. Don’t stop he says. Stop. No. Stop. I have to make. Myself. Sit back. Jesus he. What. His breath go. Like the clappers. Are we going to do? Go back now I say. What? Go back now. We should. Your mouth. Hurts me. Too swoll he says. You’re sensitive to that I remember from before. God. Be quiet. Just for a moment. Sit. Alright. Sit. Alright. Are you alright? He take my hand. I. Am. Shake. There. Calm down. We’re going to be. I know. We are going to be fine. We should. What? We are not we. Go back. Now. Alright. Alright. Start the car now.

They didn’t look upon us strangely. They did not see us at all. For all about the people descended. Slip in. I run up to the loo there I puke. I should have lunch. My face in the glass. Who’s that I don’t know. I do know. That’s shite. But what happens now? Nothing. Don’t obsess.

Come on. Bang the door. Hurry up you know there’s a queue. I flush and wash my hands. Open. His daughter there standing there. She is older than me and my mouth reek of sick. Hi hello there I’m sorry. Didn’t feel that well. I know the feeling. Yeah. It’s all the sandwiches not enough sleep. True. I laugh think Jesus Christ. She goes on in.

By the coffin. You’re sitting. Falling almost asleep I see. I am guilty. Sit by you. Say have a lie down I’ll take your turn with the body. And you do. That gives me time. Catching my breath in the cold. Hello Granda. Now what have you seen?

The biddies are having their sup. He was a grand man. A lovely man. A terrible shame. Loss to the community. Still. It comes to us all in the end. True enough. But he had a good death and what more could you want?

I sat there most hours. Listen to the razzle of it. Watch him duck in and out now then. Give me a nod not a smile not anything else. See his wife. See his wife and she sits by my. There’s a cuppa are you tired you look a bit pale. Nice for one moment but I don’t feel guilty. I think your husband’s tongue was just in my. His daughters, and they’re sorry their grandfather’s dead. I see him hug them and pat them now love, don’t cry pet. Oh Daddy. Daddy they say. I don’t cry. Not even a morsel. Dead and gone why should I? The pound in my throat not for Granda. Our mother snot quietly into her hankie grasp my hand. For I let her. She’s dreading the moment they take him away. I’m not. See uncle moving. In the other room. Think Oh God. Something. Something’s in me going on.

They carried him out in the rain that night. Made room on the sitting room floor for a gaggle. Bang the lid on. We processed to the church. All them carry him on their backs. Sliding coffin though they’d catch it. If it. It didn’t. But he was well rattled still I’d say. I wore my black. Mother mantilla and you your best suit looking solemn. As we cared. We did not. Neither you but still. I looked for him. He took his turn. One place strange for your father-in-law to be. Heavy. I saw sweat roll down his face. They all did. Fat bastard. Too many toffee chews or that. Dinners. For the likes of him. Now Granda. For all your sins.

In the church we were good. Said prayers and settled him down for the night. Corpse. Night Grandfather and we all went back to his house. Eat and drink. I sat with whiskey thought his jam’s in the press. Clapped into the corner and watched him uncle telling jokes for the laugh of them. They like. He comes quite popular up the ranks. His wife does not some reason. Her smoother brown hair. I think she’s. A bitch. But still he married her. That. I don’t know. That’s something. But me and that’s something too. I drink whiskey keeps me going and he gives me my fill. Have a little one. Do not Madam. Ach he says leave her there. And ever acquiesce she to him.