A Girl Is a Half-Formed Thing (16 page)

Get you hot chocolate her cup of tea. Don’t burn your mouth on that. And listen to thee to we cry poor banished children of eve. To thee do we send up our sighs mourning and weeping in this valley of tears. I let what he said go over in me. It will be alright. It all will be. I think by keeping very still I’ll stop time in its tracks. He can draw the poison out. He is talisman in that.

And in the hotel saying I need to go back up. Just a few days. Alright dear my pet. You go on there’s not much for you to do. You’re sure? I’m sure, we’ll see you soon.

3

In the waves. I am in the waves by the city in the sea. I’ve come out. To be in the cold. To see again for a long way off. Out there somewhere is. New York. What if I could go? It would be so. So far I cannot even see. Not from where I am. Towers or taxis. What would I be there? I’d be free or. Looking from very far back to this beach. I baptise. Baptise me. That I take. For I can’t complain it’s wrong. Free me clean me and save me from. My brother from this. I have to. I still have to go home.

I did. Quiet. All that house. Like the dust mites were noisy like the rooks in the trees made more sound than you can bear. Your ears tuning the volume like that she says. Whisper. Walk about balls of our feet. How are you, hey? How do you feel? Good not too bad. Everything’s loud. I think they cleaned wax out my ears Mammy isn’t that right? It is love it is. It’ll settle down. A week or two. I’ll be back to work you say soon. Stacking. They always need me. Always phoning asking where I’ve been, isn’t that right Mammy? Ah. Yes love. And what else you been doing? I went to the hospital I hit my head. Yes I saw you there remember? No. Mammy she wasn’t there was she? No love. Don’t upset yourself have a little lie down. What? I don’t understand this wavelength at first view. He doesn’t really remember she says Sometimes one day from the next so don’t say. I see. I understand. They start the chemo next week and everything’ll be grand. Will it? It will the Lord’s told me so. I see but the doctors. And what would they know? He survived with the good grace of God before. But. Don’t start with me. Have faith that’s all I want. Yes Mammy. I understand. Make your life a prayerful one and he will answer. But I. That’s all. Yes Mammy. Trawl through this while then go back where I came.

No sign of him. Oh God. And then. She says there’s a message for you on the answer machine a bit weird, I don’t know him. Some guy you done? Feed the tape. Listen over again and again. Hissing. Hello? I don’t know if this is you. I’m going to be over this weekend. Hello? Shall I come? Are you there? I hope you are. Do you even live here? This wasn’t the number you gave me. I had to. Never mind. I don’t know if. Anyway call if you want. The hotel is tick tick tick.

Who’s that? Someone special? Never mind. Oh now now aren’t we the quiet type. Sounds a bit old for you. Shut up. This not like that.

I don’t know. Swallow it. And in this time. Is this the thing. In my mind. Shall? I do. No I’m not. But then. But then. I call him in his room. Hotel. And I say are you there? Is that you? Yes. What do you want me to? I. I want you to come to the flat.

I say my uncle’s in town. Oh right. He’s going to come over for a while. That’ll be nice, to meet your family. Can’t believe I never have. I won’t breathe that. I won’t breathe this. The shape of what’s coming inside my mouth. Like rats. Like scum. But I swallow for I am waiting just for him. Think this has been years and years. I don’t know. Maybe shouldn’t do it. How can I ask up prayers when. Look will you stay for a drink? Okay. For there’s one part now thinking I should not at all.

And I let her even open the door. He is surprised by that. Hello. Hello have I come to the wrong flat? I share with your niece. Nice to meet. And. I stand just out of his sight. Is she here? Sitting room, go on in. And. He is so white. Threads there under his skin. Blue twists I could trace. Hello. How are you? I’d kiss him but. She says. You know, I can’t stay. But. No. That party I forgot. Sorry to love and leave you.

She get her coat and leave me high and dry. Desert us to each other. Uncle and I and. My fillet self. Full with marks of going wrong. Bang she shut our door behind and. We are quiet in this full room.

Do you want a drink? Yes he says. I’m glad to see you how’s your brother? Going to be fine I hope. I. Sorry I didn’t call before I. Didn’t know what to do.

God his face like a pattern I have seen. Worked my way round with biros and felt tip pens. Since I was younger. Since I was. Thirteen. I don’t remember. Just.

I’m glad to see you is what I say. Something. I know. He will take me somewhere. Will I make him? Come into me. Come into my house. Come in and stop all of the clocks for he can for he can and I know that. Give me a moment. Give me time.

I wanted you to come I say. My My My brother. I needed to. I close to cry. He says stop. I’m here now. Put my hand on his face. Put my hand in his hair I pull it. Pull to almost out he saying there leave it calm down stop. I’m here. Come for you. Dig his thumb in my sides. Fingers for claws. In my. I called you. I said. Where were you? For. What? This. He pull up my skirt. Put his hand between my legs. Well I’m here doing what you want. Put yourself on me then, in me. Pull all other things out. It’s no interest to me and. Throw me. Smash that all up. Do whatever you want. The answer to every single question is Fuck. Stitching up my eyes and sewing up my lips. Will you do that? Say. That. Do that. To me. Yes. Fuck. Yes. Help me. Save me from all this.

And he kiss me all over like I am alive. Take me stitch by stitch. Off. As though he knew and unwound it. All the flesh dirtied and tightly wrapped. Stinking smothered by life by. Encased where there’s no need to breathe to think. All his body I cannot see. Forced inside me. Clamp on me like armour was made of steel. I remember. Where the air is. Where is the air? We. The right word. At godforsaken last I am not on my. Stuck up alone somewhere. Go on. In me. Passing me going. He. Hurt. Somewhere beyond my tight chest my tight teeth my tight lungs my tight brain crunch my blood knowing where to go my heart stopping when it can let it go by. Have him. Do. And I give him. Such a wide space to fill. Such a great white and empty room. I am. Such a mess of blood and shame. I’ll be killed by this. Perhaps not struck down. Don’t believe don’t believe with him inside me. Where I am? I don’t believe anymore. Just. I’ll walk out from this. Most awful sin and it won’t make a change knock a beat from my heart. Go away. Go away thought. Him. I want you. There is something. I say Don’t leave me alone. There is something going on in my. Please don’t stop I say and again. Til I am hurt or I am sick. Keep going until I. Then you can let me die.

Morning is my worst. The bit of any time. Coming numb from sleep. And know again the world’s happening. Tongue in my teeth and body of smells. Things in this day are happening to you. I thought of you. Of you. Of your waking up eyes thinking what’s today what’s going on? And him sleeping on me. Crush. That face in my elbow. He in my bed. Well that’s the first time we did it not standing up ha. Sssh don’t say. I feel his body now like weights under water. Drag me down. I want. If I could be dead if I could be cut or broken up pushed underneath something feel my skin strip off. I would. Better. Must be better. I must be here. I should know. And what there is I must do. Living. Is something. Is somewhere. This man. I want. Something. Plunge from a cliff. Drag me backwards I must. I am so wrong. But. It’s all the same. Go on go on you can go on.

By the afternoon when now he has his clothes on coffee drank. You know these are my eyes and you can look at them he says. Toast? It is a quiet and worse lie than I have ever told I say. Don’t think about it. Never go anywhere near that. Put his hand inside my thighs. And don’t mention him your name for here is not the place for that. When I am fucked and hurt. Where I go with my eyes wide. Shut. Open. It’s all the same. Idle. Smoking should you do that why because never mind me. And even if his daughters don’t deserve. Look at their faces in my head. I don’t. I do not. My aunt. Well to her anyhow. Because this time I have got what I want. I would never ask for him to tell. He says lie down. I. He says Again.

In the evening when he can kiss me with all his tongue. With the parts of him that are quiet now. I am evened. I am done for this for this while now. He says he’s got an evening flight. He is going home to my aunt. To his children. That his time’s up. His time’s up now. Thanks for I say. Kiss me. Everything. I’ll talk to you soon. Goodbye then. Goodbye. Look what’s done’s done he says. Yes. Say hello to my aunt for me. Don’t. That the phone rings. That’s my mother for me. Well I’ll. Close the door when you are gone. I. He says. I don’t know. Saying goodbye. Take care of yourself. Hello Mammy? Yes I met him for a cup of tea. Yes. For my number. He said. No I hadn’t seen him since the funeral. He’s looking well.

So what was that then with your uncle she says. He’s just over on business now and then. Right. What? Well. The state you were in like he’s you oh I see. What? After the funeral. And? Don’t bullshit me. I. That stuff. I’d smell it a mile away. Funny families. Don’t know what. Father’s or mother’s brother? Uncle-in-law. Well at least it’s not that mortal sin. Ha ha. Shut up. He’s worried about my brother. Pound. Bruise my lips while I tell this lie. Whatever you say but I know. What? There’s something there. He’s just someone to talk to. You can talk to me. I don’t know what I’m doing do you? I say. What? What’s all this, you and me and all the fucking and going mad I don’t know its own reason or the point. What? These things. It’s not right. It’s normal. I’m so. There now. Sit down. Don’t be upsetting yourself don’t cry. I have to. It’s alright. Get something out of me.

That night we’re hunting. Pub to pub. Drink up that. Do you feel? Better now. Better than before. And some nice young man’s mouth some nice young man’s hands up my skirt in the toilets open up my thighs. Mind. All my life is hassle and all of this is fine. Singing toora loora, toora loora lay.

4

I come down to see you again. So now I’m come down every weekend. Do you want to go for a walk with me? Think you still can. And maybe fresh air as they say will do you good. Yes. But we go slowly and you rest on my arm. What if we were young, were small again? And if all this wasn’t to be, what’d we be then? What I’d be. What I’d do. You say Mammy’s making a novena. She says it never fails it never fails in reasons like this when asked with a pure soul. I am tired. Too full of stuff I’ve done. Where my legs hurt where my scalp hurts. I’ll not fight the thing inside me anymore. Let it eat me up. Please God. I want it to.

You are saying doesn’t it look like a when we were little day? High sky and snackish air. It does. We walk so slow for you. Hey look I say, what about that? Will you look at that? What? Up there. See where I’m pointing at. A load of ducks I see them. No. Geese. Swans. Yes. Honking. I like that. V over me. V off to some reservoir I say. To the lake. Sure we’ll see them when we get there. Fat bellies on them. Full of crusts and slugs do they eat them? I don’t know. I’d say I would. Pâté they are for birds. Especially ones that swim. Not slimy like fish. Juicy. Escargot for them. Blather makes you laugh. I like. No snail shells. Not much fun that with a beak. Shards up your gob. Hurts. Did you ever think of it? No you say. I like them flying over a city but if one fell down. Going up to a reservoir or up a canal. I saw a dead one there once. Maybe it did just fall. Whack. That’d give you a quare crack on the head. Swanned to death. Do you know big restaurants serve them? For money you can hit them with a stone. Drag them back there. Swans tongue. On a big white plate. Full of grease and muck and shite. Disgusting. I wouldn’t eat out of those canals. Scabies waiting to hop on you. Yum you say. Hundreds of pounds worth of muck swan on your plate. Slurp it. Imagine, is that a wiggly bit there in the meat? It loves slugs you know. Imagine that. A diet of slugs can make you fly. Do you like them? You should try it. I’ll make it for your tea. Do you still see them flying there? I do I do. Well they’ve gone off now. I hope no one will kill them tonight. Yes. Me too. Are you alright? I’m alright. Good.

Sting me to the bones to see you this way. To see you. There is nothing to say for the jaws shut tight when I’m alone. Will we all get better? Will we all be fine? Father in heaven. Father up above. I don’t want my brother to die.

The telephone rings. I’m over next week will I come? I won’t cry off. Just for this weekend this once and won’t do it ever again. Gets the smell of me. I know. Even I can tell. The smell that I will always do whatever it is he wants because. Come I say.

I’ve missed you. Think about you all the time. Fill me over with. Stuff. In my ear. In my head. How’s your brother? Here’s some money. Thanks. Your aunt says hello. Oh? She says she might be over next time. With you? Me. Ha. To see your mother. Is she? Lend a hand. Isn’t that great. Lend me yours he. I give it. Put it in his pants. Jesus. Jesus he says. Curl over me. And you’re worried I’ll tell? No. That you fuck me. She’d want to. Like to know I’d say. No. I’d tell her. Shut your mouth. This time I would. You won’t. Won’t I. Good to spill his cup. He hurt my arms. You open your legs. I. I’ve haven’t stopped thinking about you for a moment he says. Shame I didn’t think of you at all. Do it. Not until. What? You hurt me. He pull by the hair. How you like it? Does that hurt? No. Then what? I want. Words drown like water. Make me know what you mean. What? When you miss me. What words are when. Get. Jesus. Over. He goes somewhere else inside. Does that hurt? Yes. A lot. A lot and relieves me for a while.