A Girl Is a Half-Formed Thing (23 page)

Life. Death. Amend your death. Amen. I go in. Is there any chair for me? No one. Holy sitting next to thee. And I. Excuse me. Move out of my way I’m. My brother. I get there. That one. Give me his chair. Thanks she says to him. I say nothing. Don’t dare look at me.

I hold your hand that was hot and sweat when it was smaller and would fight with me. Stump of nails and stupid. Short they are. I notice this. I see. I see you. I’m there I here. Now. And even here it goes. Your palm. Cooler. Calm when I have it in mine close. What your feet doing. Still growing your hair. Still growing your. Stop that. How’s the ingrown nail I’d like to see. See. Stop it doesn’t matter. Here. Shush. Cough a bit. You. Don’t wake up. I rest my face down on your shoulder she. Stop that. Sit up. Sit up he doesn’t like it. I won’t. Leave you and me alone.

If thou oh lord will open my lips.

My tongue shall announce thy praise.

Incline to my aid oh God.

May the lord make haste to help us.

They sing. Rosary like a lullaby like a song. I know well. Keep off my breath my head and your rising falling shoulder whisper to you I’m here as well as fecking eejits. Don’t forget that I am here.

The door aunt uncle come. Sit watch too. Asking hushly how you do and does anyone want? Then they are terrible and subdued in the corner where they hold hands. I do not see. I am holding yours. I am holding your hand close. My love. That’s the best in the. Ssssssh to me. In the land. Couldn’t help ssshhh. I’m here. Think I think all about, all I can, about you now.

In an hour. There’s still time. There’s still. Some time. Your hand is getting colder mine. I see. You are going white. Wait wait. I’ll tell you. It’s all wrong. It’s not.

I whisper in your ear over psalming going round. The world around the room around. Tell you every perfect all I can. There’s a story now you know. I done it all. I did all for. There’s a story. Have it for your own your. Entertaining God when you are gone. Do that. And remember me when you come into your kingdom. Remember me when you’ve already gone. Today. Is still here. I’ll be. At your. Right. Hand. And will you tell me when everything is done? Everything is done. You are. Ready happy go to. Bed. You are my.

Bite.

And all your. Sudden body. Where’s the. It. Comes for you. Come blistered breath. You. Strain. I see. Your heart I see your chest is move is moving is time to. You are. Struggle. Where the air in. Let the air come in it won’t it soughing out. Gushing like water. Where’s the. Your face that eyes are open wide. See the land and all above mine. Your eyes are where are. They look. When and a tinge purple on your cheeks choke the purple blue. Across your mouth. Across your lips. I see your suffocated eye. Please don’t go no. Not. Go. I. Please don’t leave. There’s the. Air flying out. Your eyes on me. They. You are.

Silent.

Breath.

Lungs go out. See the world out.

You finish that breath. Song breath.

You are gone out tide. And you close. Drift. Silent eyes. Goodbye.

My. llllllllllllllllll. Love my. Brother no.

Silent.

He’s gone. He’s gone. Goodbye.

No. Oh please. My.

Done. And. Quiet.

And.

Gone.

Where the sky burst. They started to cry weep the cry out Oh why oh lord oh why. Shut. Your will be done not mine no let mine let mine.

My tears coming blind my eyes my. Face of me. You’re white as. All this sudden. Moment back. Where have you gone. Breathing. White your face is not like that. New the awful of the. Awful you. Stop the. What’s that? Nn. My heart. Comes broken now. Broken off in me. Some flake falling off the sky. Off the. My. You. Where the day is light the sun come in. Give me. Not your face. You’re. Marble in the mountain. See you. I touch your. Awful face. Cooling like. I don’t even think can’t even think. Do that. You’re making my hands cold. My hands for warm you. Not only. No not this time. The only. I put my face. Inside your arm. Hold the wave of the the. Ocean of that. Torn me. In two. Save. Clinging on the. No. No one. Drag me down.

Who am I talking to? Who am I talking to now?

In the afternoon the undertaker came his hands are ready. Wrap you in your sheet and he and uncle put you in a coffin. Put the lid on tight. Put you in the hearse back. He take you away. We can’t clean. We won’t do those things. And fill you with formaldehyde. Cleaning you all you away. Later. When they’ll bring you back here. Again.

Goes goes the holy joes. Going to spread the good clean word. Going to say what a good death you have made. What a saintly. What a sad. Young one. Gathered to himself the very best. Left. The shit and trash behind I sit on the kitchen chair and someone give me shepherd’s pie. I sit on the kitchen chair. I sit on the kitchen chair. I drink my water. I’ve gone to the blank. I’ve gone to the. Gone to the. Eat some more. You’ll need your. My eyes are burning up the inside of my head I’m. Something gut the insides something. Pulling out the entrails something. There. Something there. He slurp the chew the. Mince. Like dog sucking marrow in a bone. That mother of us took to her bed. Hear her there. Screaming there of. My son. My son.

I lie on the carpet floor. I. Hear the bedsprings go. Where she thumps them where she batters. Where the walls are banging. Where the ceiling’s banging. And aunt upping down the stairs there there. There there. It’s a trag it’s a. Nothing.

I am sitting in the toilet talking to talking to the. Smells like moulded is like. Fungus creeping up the shower curtain. Fat like vomit. Growing there. Knocking on the door. He. Are you? Come out of there. Come out of there. I’m. Washing my face with my hands I’m. Coming out. I’m. Come.

I am crouching by your bed they’ve stripped the sheets the bare. I see that. Mattress. You were just there. I rub it with my hands I. Smooth it. Your. It. Bed. That you sleep on. Everyday. That you’re sleeping. Smell that. Every. Day. Come back. Not. That’s the. Shush. Is it him? Touch my head. Touch my face. Your poor eyes what have you done? Nothing. Shush shush darling. Leave me alone. Scratched them. Left. I. I am. Left alone.

I kneel in my room. Where I pray that. Where I pray that. I pray that. I. Who’s though who pulled out my tongue? Don’t let the air in. Don’t. Hours and hours going on and on. Till I close my eyes I keep them shut. I know where the darkness goes.

The doorbell ring again again now. This is the day when the heavens and the deluge came. For they’re coming to say sorry they’re. I heard about. I brought a wreath. But it’s only a few hours since. I hear the hum. Of buzz of them. The everyone who ever knew are coming in are coming in. And someone’s making sandwiches and someone’s pouring tea. Not. I’m not. Kneel on the carpet rub my skin to burn. Someone else can let them in. I’m

Hours and hours passing. Bursting house with all the sorry ever heard. All the flowers they fit in. All the Virgins Child of Prague the Sacred Heart St Anne I. Can’t. I hear. I. I hear the coming like it’s miles away. He pulling in the drive. Hearse. That uncle going out and rustle all them. They’re here again. The body poor boy’s home again. That’s that how it should be. Would you let them in. I hear them stagger. And cross the threshold with a coffin scratching on the doorframe. All the. Way. In.

I think I’m sleeping now. Come down to pray. Get down and pray for your brother. If you cared at all. The house of silent people here. Me. Gone to the dogs she is my mother say. I. Go into the landing.

I can go down the stairs I. I stare into the candle light and cigarette smoke was here. In the kitchen. Not in here.

You there. Sleeping like you never gone. Not. I’ve not seen this face of yours so pale before. Where’s the kicking and the little man. Where’s that bad auld temper and the and the. You’re not here. Not like that empty face. Not. Un shakeable not un. Fightable. Come in say the rosary. No. That’s not. That’s not even a bit. Come in say the rosary. Like you. I. Can walk in that room. Where they part for me. Looking in the. She the creature thing who. I put my hand down. I put my hand on. No it isn’t. Put my hand. Down. Put my hand. On you. Like a. Something. Cold and. Wrong. You. No I get up. I have to leave here. Come back she shouts. Back in here.

I run. No. To get out quick I. Out of my way. Run the run the. To the door. Down the street and on til the house rips out of my head. Where the what’s the. Something fix this. I know to fix this. I want. And I fix this place where I can run. This gouge will drive me mad. Where’s comfort where’s safe. From here. I run from where you are not.

The pant of it. In the dank of. White shooting streets cars by. Lungs heave up blood they would if I. Hedges. Don’t stop running. From my. Stone walls and schools and hospitals. Eyes burn with thud through arteries and eyeball veins. Street lamps curling light. Restaurants and pubs I twisted that. I hear. My tongue. I hold. My scream mouth shut. Turn the little road. This little road. Go in here. Now you. Go in the. Black.

Across the lake the lights of cars and bikes and roaring off somewhere I’m here. In the dark. Where the lights. Where the water. Calm and kind. Benevolent with thorns and stones I. Know. I smell the same. As something. Once is me. Where I walk. Don’t think. Where I’m not frightened. Face of the water. I know. Face of the grass I lie in. Lay broke upon. All these times. Where I come to see the. What’s. It’s the devil. I do here. Said you would not yes I will. Shsssh. Before I’m well. Before it’s time. Swallow glass the whole way down.

Where’s everybody now? Where the. This I must this. I. Don’t. I do. In my own. This the blister. Doesn’t matter. Nothing wrong with. Don’t be I’m not. Frightened. Hear the. There must be someone in the. Do to you here. What you. Shush. I hear no one no one here for me and so I make. The gravel. I hear make. Some. Picking stones don’t look make. My. Someone coming I make. It look. Down from mountains and hills. Angel save me. Fill my mouth. Comes. And so I make. He comes and comes til I see. Through the broken trees. Through kicked down weeds and nettle all the same. Through eyelids I have. Close. I make. He says out from the twilight. From my brain. You’ve come here. I know. Quick and should be done. Give myself to the. My will be done.

He says. I’ve been waiting for you. Days and days. I knew you wouldn’t be long. Where’s the. Not. Looking close til I see him in the dark. Behind my eye. That man whose face is broken up. That man whose face is scratches and cuts. That man who say girleen girleen like a song. I know something. Your family love you very much. I. Wrong. But you’re here again. Don’t think it not you. Say it. I’m here again I say. Hear him. What I’ll do to you. No. He says Thanks for all my pain. I. I’ll fuck. So you’ll know what I mean. Don’t know. But. Get off me. By the wrist and the hair on my head. I’m. No this isn’t. No I. Slap. My brother. No. Shut up. Shut up. My brother died. He’s died he’s. I don’t care a single fuck about. Where’s your uncle is he here? Is he here? Scream until I. He. That means no. Enough of that and strike. So hard. Home. On my face. Spew I think of blood or words I bit down on my tongue. Turn the eye off it won’t. Perhaps. He punch the bag me stagger. From. Now for you. You aren’t leaving here. I. Don’t that. Slap me harder. Never speak again or you’re die and gone. I. Comes the black is fallen down. He got. Thrash. Can’t see his faces hands fingers in my eyes. My nose. You’re hurt me. This is my. Make. Dragging by the gruaig. He is I know. Across the stone my legs to flitters when you pulled me up the stairs. Breath. My eyes I can’t. Full of my own hair. Screaming. Shut up. Is that me I am I. I think. There’s a my body he push back. I’m. Fling rubbish thrown I am am I I. Falt. Where until I crack. Break my. Face. Head. Something. Smash. On a stump. Where on the back of my head on the back of my back my back crack that’s my eyes fucking up with tears. Scare me. Punch me there fright. Stop stop it you are who are I do I don’t want. I want to. Not this I don’t not for me what he will. You. Jesus. Got. Jesus on his knees pull me up pull me. Fuck. Not. Fuck not. Help. Grab me. Fingers of my skin. With his filth hands I hear. All the sounds tonight. Raddle fuck in my head. Tonight I hands up my. Knickers up my. Hurt. Not me Jesus. His nails too sharp are you. Did that. Did I make. Stop. Don’t don’t. I changed my. Jesus he. Not. No. Jesus me. Rips the I think dig them through my leg he. Spread fucking open up you sick fucking stupid bitch want the fuck you just like this I. Kick the kick. My heels dragging blood through the muck. Want to catch to prise to lift me. Save. Off off him fuck off me off me. He’ll. Pulls me up away. Kill. Me. Rake my hands I fingers in the dirt in the stones up my fingernails. Stones powder clawing them to. No. Get off. They’re off fuck knickers off. Fuck. Whore. You. He pulls like mad I I. Hear the sound. That fly. Zipping. Fuck out. Spring it out. Thighs in claws I vice. Rip m open. I make this. I make this. Undone he push my face hye pusk my head. My eyes flat of his hand. In the skull my. In the muck my crown of stones. Don’t break me open face open. Crushing I hear boines on done he up me fuck me. Smeeling he I don’t not do this I a don’t know he’s fuck me. Stucks the fck the thing in. Me. In. Jesus. I nme. Go. Away. Breeting. Skitch. Hear the way he. Sloows. Hurts m. Jesus skreamtheway he. Doos the fuck the fuckink slatch in me. Scream. Kracks. Done fuk me open he dine done on me. Done done Til he hye happy fucky shoves upo comes ui. Kom shitting ut h mith fking kmg I’m fking cmin up you. Retch I. Retch I. Dinneradntea I choke mny. Up my. Thrtoat I. He come hecomehe. More. Slash the fuck the rank the sick up me sick up he and sticks his fingers in my mouth. Piull my mth he pull m mouth with him fingers pull the side of my mouth til I no. Stop that fuck and rip. Scin. Stop heeel. Tear my mouth. Garble lotof. Don’t I come all mouth of blood of choking of he there bitch there bithc there there stranlge me strangle how you like it how you think it is fun grouged breth sacld my lungs til I. Puk blodd over me frum. In the next but. Let me air. Soon I’n dead I’m sre. Loose. Ver the aIrWays. Here. mY nose my mOuth I. VOMit. Clear. CleaR. He stopS up gETs. Stands uP. Look. And I breath. And I breath my. I make. You like those feelings do you now. Thanks to your uncle for that like the best fuck I ever had. HoCk SPIT me. Kicks. uPshes me over. With his brown boot foot. WitK the soLe of it on my stomik. Ver. Coughing my. Y hard. He. Into the ditch roll in gully to the side. Roll. I roll. For it. He. Turn on the. I. Hear his zip. Thanks for fuck you thanks for that I. hear his walking crunching. Foot foot. Go. Him Away.