A Girl Is a Half-Formed Thing (22 page)

Quiet.

Turn and you are back asleep. I. Know I lift the cover. Clean up. And now you’re gone fast far. Breathing. Don’t see me. Don’t know I do. New one. Clean you. Put it in the bin. See. My one act. I might be a person. Beneath the. Where horrible can be a good act of contrition. Shush there. You there sleeping. My boy. My brother. Wish my eye for yours tooth for your tooth. You’re a better. No. It’s all fuck gone. Gone to the gone to the wrong wrong wrong. Be shush for you. I can.

Three days three days going. From here. Where’s the time and everybody. All around here like. Tapping all the time out one two three. You there sleep go down to that. So we are going into the end. I am. Pool. We are where the blind go, I think. Cool cool days. Not a breeze even here. I’ll be there. See. I am. I am. Already. It’s a thing. It’s a thing. Sing a song of sixpence a pocket full of. Fine. Fine fine. We’re. That’s your breath. Yours is. Watch it. Catch it. Catch it all the time. I’m. Watch that. We are. You see. Be here now. I see the curtains flap in it. Puffing dresses. Ghosts. Like big and pregnant. Takes the breath flip flap away. When I was little girl. Open up the door. Let the sunshine on. What’s that? Do you see that no you don’t. I see you. And you’re so quiet. Like a still. Like a Oh. Creeping on the floor. Spiders and flies.

Where’s it going where’s it going lights turning on they’re not. I’m safe of, cured of now of that. When I love you that’s all gone off where it should do. Out. He. Knows me. Not to choose. Though we smell each other all day long me she aunt he. There’s no room for him in me. Or thing we did. Million million years ago fell off the planet. Good. Safe within my healed up eye.

But.

She said you should go to mass. Pray for. Me. Think I might do. This is the time. Sunday go. Sit rove praying. Not like when I was little long ago though, when I was some other thing. I bow my head. But the words of prayers are come coming into me as I have never been gone. Gone from praying or the house of God. You take away the sins of the world. Have mercy on us. Lamb of God you take away the sins of the world. Have mercy on us. Lamb of God you take away the sins of the world. Grant. Us. Peace. Fill my shallow breathing. What I could be. Be granted peace. After all this. After all I am Mary Magdalenish. I would wash with my hair, wash away sins. Lord I am not worthy to receive you but only say the word and I shall be healed.

After communion, after go in peace to love and serve the Lord, thanks be to God I step out of the church. Immaculate blue sky. If I carry my state of grace Hello girleen I thought it was you. Who? There is a man, sitting on the wall smoke out stub of fag his face black and blue, wrist in plaster arm in a sling. Not. Yes. I don’t know if I see. Girleen girleen. What? Nice uncle you have there. Desiccation of faith, where’s it going. Where’s it going? Gone. Fuck you I say. Mouth going pound. We’ll see about that he says but I’m already down the path glazed and shame before my eyes. I want you. I want to be home and when I am inside I do not think of him again.

New days. Sometime. I’m. Forgotten what’s the past. And the doorbell rings and I answer the phone and the world’s filled with people always doing something wrong like saying where you’ll bury him, you know when he’s gone? What? Well will it be a car trip or up the road? I know he hasn’t long and I need to book the time off work. I. Don’t know. But I laugh like I’m shot. Bang. Spray me about. I like that. For fun if you can or not for fun.

Next days. Fuck the future up. The undertaker’s come for a good cat chat. Fat. I’ll make the tea for him. I’ll say I’ll close the door, so you won’t hear. Him our mother gentle bawling aunt gumped in a heap. Uncle arms on my back saying I’ll pay. Do anything. Do anything you want at all. I want? I. Shut up. He says you know what I mean. Something simple. My boy. Mammy. Have I slept at all? I remember once. What. What? Wood. Brown. With a crucifix. With a plain white lining. With a plaque with the date and his name on top. My boy. Mammy stop. Leave your mother alone. It’s hard. Shut up. Will you be wanting music? I asked the church choir if they. Did you? I did, she says. When was that? Don’t grill me. Your mother’s tir. Alright shut up. Play what you play. Nearer my God to thee. Be not afraid. Flowers lilies roses white for him always him my. Brother. My son. And the funeral parlour? We’ll be keeping him at home. Yes. On the evening of the second day you can come. We’ll lay him out in bed til then. My brother. My Son. And people can pay their respects. I’ll make tea and scones aunt. Thanks for that. Not the time. I. Bite my. So we’ll process him from the house here. He’ll be carried on the shoulders of the men. I want, I say. Of. The. Men. Amen. To the end of the road and then driven in the hearse, who’s talking? I think our uncle might but I’m. To the church. Yes, very good I’ll see to that. And up out of me is all I suddenly want to know. Is he be buried here Mammy? Where? I’m taking my son home. Home? He’ll be buried with his grandfather. No. Yes. He’s my son. But I. Too bad for you. When he’s gone sure you’ll be gone. Back up the city doing your own thing, God knows, so I’ll bury my child where it’s good for me. I’ll join him one day. I. But I. See your mother’s point of. Fuck off you, uncle. He doesn’t belong to her, he doesn’t. All that you care Madam. Not that. I’ll want to. Don’t you bother telling me about you Miss.

I feel the lights but I’m going lie down by your bed. I won’t be stuck up. Anything I. Want to hold your hand and let them what they do I. Understand the end’s the end. I can. Have you now. There is so little time.

Hey, do you know me? I pinch I pinch. I say. Do you know me? Wake up. Please. Please. Do you know me? I know you. Good. You know all those things I did? No. Your eyes rolling. You do, I’m sorry for it. They were the wrong thing sorry I sorry I did that to you. That’s alright you say in your going to. Wait. Don’t go to not just yet. What’s the. Falling your eyes falling in. I love you. Do you know I love you? I saying I. Yes. Do you love me? Hold on wake back. Come back one minute. Do you love me? I. Do you love? I do. There now. They open the door. They stick their undertaker heads in. He say I like to see them while they’re. Shut up. He’s a fine looking fella God love him he’s a fine looking man.

Did he eat today he didn’t. Will he. Please get something in you know. She sits by your bed saying you, say you’re sorry for all the things you done. Aren’t you? When you were. My little boy. When you were bold to me. To me. Leave him. Mammy, does it matter? He must die without sin. I. He couldn’t sin if he wanted. What does it matter anyway? Wake up son. Mammy. Leave him. He’s going to die. My son. I won’t let him in a state of sin.

I walk a long way off. Get out of here. From you. Feel I could clean my head with a. View of mountains. With a view. Where God is looking in he isn’t if he was. He wouldn’t do. He wouldn’t do. Where’s the air out here?

Shush. Aunt saying. The priest is in. Why? To give your brother the sacrament of the sick. She lay the white cloth down. She put candlesticks and candles in. Twig of palm in holy water. Napkin stuck there under your chin. Wake up there son. Wake him. Put his chasuble on. Kiss this bit. Kiss the end. He wash his fingers. Do you renounce Satan and all his ways? Oil on his thumbs. Draw the cross on you. Your eyes and ears. Your lids clappered shut. Don’t wake I pray into my fingertips. Oil on your nose and lips. Sign of the cross and. Spread his hands there. That’s the way and draw the cross again. Again. On your palms where you have sinned. And feet. There. All the oil stops the devil getting in. Out. Places where the sins come in. He says this is to comfort you in your mortal pain. To fortify your soul I. Remitting all your venial sins. Cleanse your, what’s it here, your soul. And restore your health if God sees fit. I pray I pray I pray I pray. For. Him to go. For you. You will not know what this priest’s done. What cross mean. What oil. What stink where you have been sanctified.

You’re doing, ah you’re all doing great he says. Come in Father for a cuppa. For a bun a slice of fruitcake. They. Well alright so. I’ll sit with you instead. And when the kettle’s boiled I toilet roll your face. Pressured blood pressure going. Yours then mine. I clean the oil from your skin sore red and tired. For what need? You’re more perfect than you were before. I’ll wash your face of sacrament. Let sin to sinner return. Like me – for I know it very well.

Pedalling days are pedalling. Jesus coming in. Off from heaven off the gutter off the street for. I know. Jesus is coming. Jesus be here soon. I’ll rip his arms. I. Won’t have God’s son here I. Won’t. Jesus will lose you. This time I say I’ll win. I. Will. Make you safe this time.

At night I dream. Always. God is. Give me unquiet dreams. When the world. That. I dream. I see the plains of the sea, turning over. Tar. Black as. Black as. Through the. My nose press. Open. Close. Like a seal on the ice. Against the smell of rot. Come from black come from. Where the. Where the world is. Turn like that. On the face of it. Diving. Feel I that. Where we ought to. I am of the. Off the. Who are you wake. Up. And the window is filled with light. Off the street. And the it rises. Sun. Come up. I see through the water. I am right back where I. All that. Where all that. Me. Running. Went from the start of time to here in the next room or downstairs. And radios and dog bark and cat meow. I’m the. Start now. The beginning. Of. You. End. The end. Begun. Where the lights are. Turn on. Panic. Who do you look like who you are. And I. Running. Think I pull my cool jeans on. Full of. Skin. Something. Bits of me. Fell off that. For he comes the comes the human child to the waters and the wild. Me hand in hand. The world’s more full of all those things than we can understand I’m singing. Running. Sing out loud. Oh God the look the state of that see him now. Come Jesus. See he’s falling fall fast asleep like an old man tired man sick and. My brother for me. Sick and. Save the. Fine above the rushes. In the hills above Glen stop. Don’t. Stop it now. Wake up. I wake. My eyes shut. Run. From a world more full of weeping than you can understand.

But I know now this morning. I know it will be today. And I am white as any creature ripped down to the self. In my quiet in my bedroom in my on my own. Where there’s a mirror that is empty. Where there’s a worn out pair of pants. Where my shoes lie turned over. Where hairs are knot and fall behind the radiator. Where the smell of empty spreads out across the air. The thing the thing is. Kingdom come.

I know I must wash and clean my hair my teeth. My putting on my clean my jumper my skirt. People will be here I. Put my lipstick on my mouth. Perfume on my neck my hands my knees where’s right. My face don’t have its night eyes on. Only day eyes are here. For you. I go down. And I turn room to room. I close I closing all doors. Keep it out while I can. The more. A minute more will win me minute more you.

In the kitchen and in their beds the others move and move the place. Teacups bedsprings flushing toilets. I hear floorboards open. I am coming. Coming today. For you. I come into your room and close the door. I am here. I’m here remember. I love. I. Sit. In your room. In moment caught. Shot. I sit with face smiling black. Please pour the amber in we. Ever ever ever would sit in this moment here.

Hello morning my love. And kiss your face. That’s warm. And hard with sleep to the touch. Closed. I know what today is even if you’re unaware. I know you’d tell me if you could say. Today. Is the day you’ll die. You’re going off to leave me and I. I wish you would. I wish you’d learn your lesson and still come back. Wish you. Fuck you. Open your eyes. Please. And you. For the moment show me all that blue there is. World that’s falling off the cliff into a farer crashing blue. Do you see me this time this day? I see you I. See you today. Don’t you close them. Closed and gone away. Your mouth rattles. I know this. I know what it means. Death rattle like a. Something. I’m.

Close the door and doorbell rings. She bustles to it. Come the holy holy holy things. What? Mammy. Not. Come in come in. No no not today not not them. The district nurse came and said. Today. So I have gathered my friends in. Help him on his. My boy my little boy. It’s not right he won’t like. All these strangers it’s not for gawking Mammy it’s not a show please please. I’m asking. Please send them away. No.

They troop. Them large them heap of things and come in smile and go cluster in your room. There bring more chairs down. Don’t move. I stand. Get them. I won’t. Or you can stay in your room. And leave my brother? Too late for sucking-up miss. I won’t do that. Go. No. Go and get or get out and get to hell.

I bring one five six seven in.

I eat my butter bread across the table from him uncle. Look at me he say. Sorry. For this. For your mother doing. For. Today. There isn’t. Anything. Feel blood in my neck my head. Fighting in veins in eyes and on my hands. All wrong hands. That I wash them now. Again. Again. Kiss the side of my face. Give me your dishes. Go on in to your brother. I’ll do them up for you.

In the hallway. By the door. Catch the handle I hear. The long complaining prayering sound. Acts contrition reciting it as one. For you. For your sins. Frightened for the dying soon. Their hands laid upon. Bless everywhere on you. Upon your forehead. Upon your feet. Upon your chest. Chant it shout it almost down. You. Please. You sleep please don’t you hear what’s going on.

Oh my God I’m heartily sorry for having offended thee and I detest all my sins because I dread the loss of heaven and the pains of hell but most of all because they offend thee my God who are all good and deserving of all my love I firmly resolve with the help of thy grace to confess my sins to do penance and to amend my life.