A Heart for Robbie (11 page)

“Daddy’s here, buddy,” Julian whispered as he reached into the

oxygen tent and picked up his son. The hose to the tent disconnected

easily enough, and he held it in front of Robbie’s face as the nurse had shown him just days before. The fact that Robbie was almost wireless now made him less terrifying to hold. He started out afraid he would do

something wrong and hurt Robbie, but as the nurses started letting him do more and more for himself, Julian’s confidence grew. He fed Robbie when

he could, changed him, and cared for him. Even with the anchor of a

transplant weighing on his shoulders, Julian felt like a father.

Robbie wrapped his little fist around Julian’s finger, and Julian knew

that he may as well have wrapped it around his heart. He loved his son

more than anything on earth. Never in his life had he felt such an

overwhelming rush of emotion as when he looked into his son’s deep blue

eyes. He wondered if they would change. Most Caucasian babies were

born with blue eyes, and then they changed over the course of time. So

many little marvels wrapped up in such a tiny package.

“You want Daddy to tell you a story?”

The sweet boy snuggled down closer to his father, as if waiting to

hear his story. Julian smiled, rubbing the unbandaged side of Robbie’s

head with his thumb as he held the baby snug in his arms, oxygen tube in front of his rosy cheeks.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, Julian felt Liam smile.

“I’ve probably had stories in my head since I was your age, only

they didn’t start coming out until I was a little older and could talk. Once I was able to spell, that was it for me. So, let’s see, a story for my Robbie.

Okay, once upon a time, there was a prince named, uhm, Bobby. Now,

Bobby was out one day in the forest around the castle playing with one of his friends. The boys were hiding from each other, catching frogs, you

know, things that boys do. Anyway, they happened across a robber. He

must have been a foreigner, because he didn’t recognize Bobby as the

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prince over that land.” Robbie’s eyes fluttered closed, soothed by the

sound of his father’s voice.

“The other boy ran, telling Bobby to come with him, but Bobby was

a prince. No way would he give up his gold to some mere commoner. His

father wouldn’t allow it. His father always protected him. Only this time, he didn’t. The robber took Bobby’s gold and put a blade into his chest. By the time the other boy brought help, Bobby was in bad shape.”

Julian stroked Robbie’s little cheek with his thumb.

“King… uhm… Cerulean, okay, don’t make fun, you don’t know

that word yet,” Julian whispered to Robbie with a laugh and actually heard Liam roll his eyes from the little spot in the back of his mind. “Anyway, the king, well, he didn’t take any chances and rushed Bobby to Merlin, the greatest wizard in the land. He begged Merlin to help his son. Merlin put the boy on a table and examined him, muttering incantations under his

breath. He touched the boy’s pierced chest and felt the coolness of his

skin. He told the king that the only way to save his son was to cut out the heart of a dragon to make a very special potion for Bobby to drink. Only that would save the boy’s life.”

Robbie lay quiet in Julian’s arms, his breathing slow and rhythmic in

sleep. Julian decided to continue, even if just for himself.

“And he did it, Robbie. That king went out and searched day and

night to find a dragon. Finally, he did. He risked his own life to bring the heart back to the old wizard. Merlin used the heart to make a potion for the prince, and once he drank it, the wound in his chest closed up, and he was right as rain.”

He pulled Robbie a little higher on his chest, bringing his lips down

to whisper in his son’s ear.

“I’ll find that dragon, buddy. I promise.”

His field of vision blurred with the tears welling in his eyes, but he

refused to let them fall as he saw Robbie’s doctor coming into the ICU for her rounds.

“Mr. Holmes, how is our little man today?” Dr. Martinez called to

Julian as she headed for the sinks to scrub up. She pulled her silver-laced black hair back into some kind of puffy rubber band.

The back of her white coat pulled taut over her shoulders as she

washed her hands, but he didn’t see any traces of tension. He’d started to A Heart for Robbie

59

search for tension everywhere in hospital staff, because they weren’t

always straight with him.

“He’s getting stronger, starting to take more formula.” Julian

checked his watch out of habit to see that they were still an hour or so away from Robbie’s next bottle. “Almost four ounces at a time.”

“That’s great, Julian. Cardiac infants often have trouble breathing

during a feeding, so it’s good that he’s taking more. The supplements

we’ve added to bulk up the nutrients in the formula will help him gain

weight with less volume.” Dr. Martinez dried her hands on a couple of

paper towels from the dispenser and then came over, flipping through

Robbie’s chart.

“He’s gaining weight,” she observed. “His O2 levels are stable, and

his urine output is good. I think we’re going to be able to let this little guy go home in a few days.”

Julian froze in the rocker, his grip on Robbie tightening.

“Home? I thought he’d stay in the hospital until his transplant. What

if he gets sick? What if he stops breathing?” Panic rose in Julian’s throat, choking him as he thought about caring for Robbie alone. The nurses

knew what to do in an emergency. He didn’t.

“First, we are going to teach you what to do for Robbie while you’re

at home. It’s not much different than what you’re doing here. We’ll send you home with an apnea monitor, a stethoscope, and other equipment, and

you’ll have a home nurse come in every few days to monitor his progress.

We aren’t going to just throw you off the dock and see if you can swim.”

Her gentle voice had an indignant sting to it.

“I didn’t mean to imply that. I’m sorry. I just… it’s too much

sometimes.”

“I don’t have children, so I can’t understand exactly, but I can

sympathize. Here, his saturation levels have been steady. I think we can safely take him off the oxygen tube.” The tiny doctor stretched out a hand and took the oxygen tube from Julian’s lax grip. He wanted to grab it, to jerk it out of her hand and put it back before the baby began to choke. He searched Robbie’s face for any sign of distress and saw none. Robbie

gurgled up at him just as the corners of his tiny little mouth lifted, and a brightness shone in his crystal blue eyes.

“He smiled at me,” Julian said with wonder.

“He knows who loves him.”

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OVER THE next three days, the doctors and nurses gave Julian Holmes a

solid crash course in pediatric emergency care. They secured the apnea

monitor to Robbie, pulled off each sensor and lead, and then made Julian reapply them. And then again. And then again. They had him apply the

sensors and the leads until he could do it without thinking. The apnea

monitor, they explained, would alert Julian if Robbie stopped breathing in the night. The image of going into the nursery one morning to find his son blue and cold scared him more than any other image his mind could

conjure. He didn’t think he would be able to survive.

They taught him how to use the stethoscope to listen to Robbie’s

heart and how to distinguish different sounds. They taught him how to

administer his son’s medication with the oral syringe. They taught him

how to check a pulse and monitor respiration. It took three solid days, but they armed Julian with the skills he would need to care for Robbie outside the hospital walls.

He sat next to Robbie’s bed on the last day before they were set to

leave and read a text from his mother saying that the nursery was ready.

His father had put the crib together, something he’d planned to do

originally while the baby lay in the hospital with Erin. Then the world changed, and he hadn’t thought about it again. Actually, he’d chosen not to think about it, because he couldn’t stand the thought of disassembling it if the worst should happen. Never in a million years did he think he’d be taking Robbie home to sleep in it before they found a heart.

Erin, still unable to drive, helped his mother at the house, while his

father offered to drive them home from the hospital. Julian had his car, so he said he’d just meet them at the house. Each on duty nurse, six of them in all, came to say good luck to little Robbie and gave him a soft kiss on his sweet head. Brandy put a hand on his shoulder as Julian fiddled with the car seat straps for the third time.

“Julian, I think little Robbie wants to go home. He’s got to be pretty

warm,” she said, indicating the tiny coat, hat, mittens, and blankets hiding him from the world. The little bundle squirmed in agreement, starting to make mewling cries. “It’s going to be okay. You know what to do, and

he’s a strong little guy. I think in the end, he’s going to surprise you. Just keep him gaining weight and watch his breathing.”

A Heart for Robbie

61

“I know. I just… what if I do something wrong?”

“All parents do, Julian. That’s what being a first-time parent is all

about. You’re going to make mistakes, and they’re going to be harmless,

and you’re going to feel awful about them. Your parents have been

through this. All parents have been through this. They learn what it takes.

No, most didn’t have to face what you’re facing, but you’re prepared for the medical stuff. I think you’re more afraid of everything else.”

“I’m afraid of everything,” Julian whispered, and she moved closer.

At first, Julian thought she might hug him, but her professional

detachment stayed firmly in place and she rubbed his arm.

“Take your baby home, Julian. He’s earned it.”

That stopped Julian short. He
had
earned it. Robbie had been

fighting hard for two weeks, getting stronger, moving from ICU to

Pediatric Step-down, from a respirator to the oxygen tent, to nothing. He deserved to get away from the people who spent all day and all night

poking and prodding him while he tried to sleep. Little Robbie deserved a bit of rest.

Julian picked up the car seat by the enormous plastic handle. He’d

taken all of the other stuff down to the car almost an hour ago. The only thing left to take was Robbie. His hands shook as he left the ICU to calls of good-bye and support from the staff. He carried the tiny seat to the

elevator and refused to set it down until it rested in the backseat of the car.

Thankfully his keys had the fob to allow him to unlock it from a distance.

Robbie may have been a cardiac baby, but he was no lightweight. Born at

nine pounds, he had gained another half pound in the hospital. Julian

decided that when things calmed down a little, he needed to get back into the gym.

Before Robbie’s birth, Julian had put the car seat in and taken it out

so many times that he could do it without thinking. He secured the seat

with the anchors, then the seat belt, making sure to test it before giving Robbie a little kiss on the forehead.

“Ready to go home, buddy? I bet Grandma and Grandpa have

Disneyland set up in your room by now. They’re really excited that you

get to come home.” Julian stroked his son’s cheek and whispered, “I am

too.”

The drive, the slow dance of a first-time parent transporting their

child, took longer than the normal half hour even with relatively no traffic 62

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in the middle of a work day. His phone rang twice in his pocket, but he

didn’t even chance hooking it up to the Bluetooth in the car. Everything else could wait until he and Robbie were home safely. Finally, he pulled off onto his small side street and parked.

Shit, he’d buckled Robbie in on the driver’s side. The street side.

He’d screwed up already, and Robbie wasn’t even in the house. He

didn’t want to get Robbie out of the car on the busy street side. Panicked, he called his mother’s phone and asked her to come outside. It took only a moment, and she appeared, her coat open and her shoes untied.

“Julian, you need to calm down. This isn’t a catastrophe,” Liam said

quietly from the passenger seat. He almost told Liam to be quiet, but his mother leaned in, her head nearly passing through Liam’s, and he couldn’t find the words again.

“Honey, what is it?” she asked through the open passenger side

window.

“I put Robbie in on the driver’s side. I don’t want to take him out

into the street. And there’s so much other stuff. I don’t want to leave him while I take the other stuff inside. I just….”

Her smile, gentle and patient, felt like one of her touches to his

cheek, touches that she’d given him his entire life when he’d been

frightened. The smile held no contempt for how silly his fear felt. Of

course he could take Robbie out on the street side, or he could slide him over the backseat and take him out the passenger side. Of course he could leave Robbie with his mother while he carried in the rest of Robbie’s

things. But right then, everything was too big. Just too big.

“Okay, here’s what we’re going to do. I’m going to stand by the car

and watch for traffic while you take Robbie out. Then I’m going to sit

with him in the living room while you and your dad bring in his stuff,” she said, and the calm in her voice pushed the raging fear monster back into the closet, at least for a little while.

The rest of the day seemed like a real challenge to him, let alone the