A Heart for Robbie (15 page)

Otherwise, the warm day cooperated with Julian’s need to be outside. He

hadn’t noticed any April showers, preoccupied as he was, but they

definitely got the May flowers. They had started to pop out of the ground like overexcited rabbits, lining the sides of the walk with exuberant joy.

Julian was damn glad to be out of the house.

He didn’t see the old lady walking her little football-shaped dog until

she damn near ran into the stroller. Squinty little eyes peered at him

through glasses on a chain. The pink and black tracksuit she wore made

her look puffy, like a gray-haired inflatable raisin. She stopped right in front of the stroller, forcing Julian to either stop their walk or run her over.

It took a second of serious thought to decide.

“What a beautiful baby,” she exclaimed and reached down to touch

Robbie with her germ-infested dog hands. Julian pulled the contraption

backward even as he turned it to go around her, keeping his son from the old woman’s reach. He thought about putting his hands on her face and

asking her how she liked being touched by some random stranger, but he

refrained, barely, and kept walking.

“Thank you,” he said over his shoulder and almost sighed aloud

when she followed.

“It’s so good of you to give your wife a little rest. He looks like a

handful.” She meant it as a compliment, but it brought Julian up short.

He stopped, letting her take a few more steps until she realized it and

turned around.

“I’m a single father. A single gay father. Yes, he’s a handful, but he’s amazing and I wouldn’t trade him for anything. Now, if you’ll excuse us.”

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That stopped her cold. He half expected her to say something to

him, something unpleasant. People always said something backhanded to

him, talking about how he was a great author even if he was gay, or how

his sales were boosted by the political correctness of having those gays in his books. He usually ignored it and went on, especially since he

didn’t have time to debate the witless wonders of the world. She didn’t

say a word, but disapproval radiated from her ancient bones like radioactive righteousness.

Two hundred more feet and he rounded the corner toward the main

street. The lady didn’t follow. He imagined her weighed down by her own

contempt. He didn’t care. The only things that mattered to him right then were Robbie and his book. In that order.

A handful of patrons sat around the little shop when he entered,

engrossed in books, the newspaper, or their laptops. No one looked up to see the queer and his kid. It was one of the things he liked best about

Chicago; people minded their own damn business. Oh, and their coffee

shops had even numbers of tables and chairs.

A tall lanky kid at the counter served him a latte in a crisp paper cup

with a little green cozy around it to protect his hand from the heat. He wondered with an inward sigh if the pretty handle made the coffee worth

its enormous price tag. A brief glance at the bakery offerings made his

stomach rumble, but since he hadn’t been to the gym in a few weeks, he

passed. The protein bar in his bag would fill him better than any

overpriced doughnut, no matter how intoxicatingly the glimmery icing

called to him.

Julian pushed the stroller to one of the plush corner seats, where it fit perfectly between the chair and the window. When Robbie woke, he could

either watch his father work or follow the activity on the sidewalk outside.

He slept on, lying still beneath the light blanket Julian had draped over him for the brisk walk outside.

Julian draped his jacket across the handle of the stroller and grabbed

his laptop bag from the basket on the bottom. He loved the storage room

in the stroller. A body would fit in the thing if he needed it to. He heard Liam snort as he dropped into the chair next to him. Julian pulled the

machine from its case, and Clay took the one across the little semicircle.

Clay still wore the same silver foil logo Black Varen shirt and jeans he wore every time Julian saw him, his shaggy black hair ever in need of a

cut.

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“So, are you ready to finish outlining, or do we need more scenes?”

Liam asked as he sat back in the chair with his legs crossed at the ankles, completely at ease.

Julian wondered if he’d feel the same leisurely confidence if no one

could see him either.

“I like the idea of you hooking me up with John,” Clay said, the

excitement in his voice far more tangible than his partially translucent body.

“How are you with being Eve’s half brother? I think Liam is right.

That could work well if we made you at least partially able to manifest.

Maybe Liam can find something else in the house, something not as

strong, to help you control it.”

“I can handle being related to Eve, even if she is a bitch.”

“Hey! That’s my girlfriend you’re talking about.” Liam’s arm moved

too fast to see, and it looked like he threw something at Clay, something that only existed in the same plane they did.

“Guys, not helping,” Julian warned. He rested a hand on Robbie, just

to make sure the tiny little chest rose and fell.

They worked together for an hour, Liam and Clay bitching at each

other like they were the siblings. It amused Julian, and he wondered if he could work their bickering into the dialogue. Humor helped to shift a little of the focus from the darkness in the books. Balancing a little levity with angst helped the reader to stay connected with the story. Robbie woke up just as Julian took down the last of the brainstorming notes they’d

explored. Liam dismissed the idea of adding aliens to the mix, even if

Clay thought the idea was “wicked cool.” Really, all Clay wanted was a

little on-page sex. It must be frustrating to be a fictional character and only able to… release that tension when your author allows it. Julian wrote a note in the margin of his notebook to give Clay some hot frottage. He

didn’t know how much his editor would let him keep on page, but he’d

give it one hell of a go.

“Thanks,” Clay mumbled from his place next to Robbie’s stroller,

having heard Julian’s thoughts on the sex he’d be getting. He didn’t like to sit down. Clay spent a lot of time on his feet during the planning sessions for the last few books while he gathered his thoughts. He seemed to work best that way, in motion. Julian jotted that down too, since Clay would be the main character in this title.

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Julian had added a few more notes to the character profile on John,

Clay’s new partner, and Tempest, Arkansas’s newest resident. He needed

to make it appear Clay had manifested John out of a need to relieve his

crushing loneliness. Julian glanced at Liam and Clay. He could understand that.

The beginnings of a cry startled Julian from his thoughts. Though

most parenting books discourage new mothers and fathers from picking up

a child every time he or she cried, the doctors made it very clear that

Robbie shouldn’t be allowed to cry for long. The additional strain on his heart wouldn’t be good for him. Julian lifted Robbie from the stroller. His son’s cry sounded different than his normal “I’m hungry” or “I’m wet”

cry. As he went to check the little diaper for signs of catastrophe, his fingers brushed over the baby’s hot skin. Still under a blanket and dressed for the tundra in midwinter, Robbie was burning up.

Julian turned to Liam to let him know their plotting session had

come to a close, but they were both gone. Stripping Robbie of his coat and sweatshirt, he let the baby rest on his chest in a onesie as he calmed back into a light doze. Rather than picking up his notes and working, Julian

relaxed back in the chair with Robbie on his chest. Smoothing the cotton along Robbie’s back, he kissed the baby-soft hair on top of his son’s head.

“Did you have a good nap, buddy?” he asked, and at the warm

cadence in Julian’s voice, Robbie burrowed deeper against his father’s

chest. “I had a pretty good time too. Liam and Clay had some great ideas for the book. One day, you and I will read them together, and you can tell me how lame your old man is.” Julian chuckled, the sound getting caught

somewhere around his Adam’s apple as he prayed silently for Robbie to

make it to an age where he could read.

Julian tightened his grip on Robbie, pressing a kiss to the little boy’s temple, and daydreamed of a time they wouldn’t have to live in fear.

THE OUTPATIENT doors swung wide when Julian stepped up to them,

Robbie’s carrier in one hand and his backpack over his shoulders. He’d

arrived about half an hour before they’d asked him to, unable to sit in his living room and watch the clock any longer. Maybe if he got Robbie in

sooner, they would be done faster, and he’d know how much worse his

little boy’s heart had become.

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He’d talked his mother and Erin into staying home because the

procedure would be routine, and they wouldn’t have any news for a day

or two. Erin, even two months after Robbie’s birth, still had some pain

and stiffness. Since she had four kids of her own to care for, he didn’t want to put more of a burden on her. His mom, well, she could be a little stifling.

He hadn’t consciously been early so he could see Simon, but his

body traveled the path to the other man’s office anyway. The hallway

seemed kind of long, but Julian hauled the carrier like a pro. An echo of the e-mail he’d sent resonated in his head.
Is it scary in it?
It hadn’t taken much during their dinnertime conversation to figure out Simon hid in his miserable little closet and had no intention of leaving it. Sad really,

because Simon was kind of hot and easy to talk to. He’d make a good

boyfriend for someone. Not Julian, of course, because Julian couldn’t even imagine a scenario where he’d want another boyfriend. He did miss sex

sometimes, but his hand wouldn’t steal from him or lie to his face. His

hand wouldn’t jack someone else’s… anyway, Julian didn’t want things to

be awkward with Simon.

He stood outside Simon’s office door for two full minutes before

Robbie started to cry, giving away his not so stealthy hiding place. So he knocked quietly, hoping no one would hear. His instructions were to check in with the insurance team before heading to the intake nurse. Normally, people just did that through the front office, but Robbie’s case was special.

Besides, no matter how awkward things might have been right then, he

wanted to trust Simon.

“Come in,” a low voice called from the other side of the door. Julian

closed his eyes for just a moment and then turned the handle. The door

opened to reveal Simon, sitting at his desk. His mouth turned up into a

smile when he saw Julian, something Julian didn’t expect at all. He

figured the e-mail had been too much when Simon never responded.

“I’m… uhm… supposed to check in with you before I take Robbie

upstairs.” Julian’s voice grew from a whisper to a statement somewhere in the middle. He wasn’t good with people. He never had been. That’s why

he became an author, so he could hide within his books, talk to his

characters, and not have to deal with other people. Maybe he should have researched that a little better given all of the interaction he needed to have on a daily basis to maintain his fan base.

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“Sure, Julian. Have a seat.” Simon stood briefly and indicated the

seats across from his desk where Julian had sat that first day. “How are you?”

“We’re just here for a routine test and should be out in a bit.” Julian

played with the blanket covering little Robbie where he sat in the carrier on the seat next to Julian.

“That’s not what I asked.” Simon’s face softened as he waited for an

answer.

The air drove out of Julian in a huff of breath.

“I’m tired and I’m scared. It’s hard to be sad when he looks up at me

with all that shining trust in his eyes, but sometimes, it’s too much. I tell him Daddy will make it better, but I don’t know if I can. I don’t know

what’s going to happen any more than he does. They’re empty promises,

and I’ve had enough of empty promises in my life.”

Simon’s eyes widened, and Julian wished he could take back that

last part. He held Julian’s gaze for a long moment, almost too long,

making Julian want to look away from the compassion and kindness he

found there. For a split second, he wanted to lose himself in those eyes, just to escape the crushing loneliness he felt, but he’d lost himself to someone else before. He’d lost himself and nearly couldn’t find his way

back.

“I… I just need for you to sign this consent form.”

Julian heard the quaver in Simon’s voice. He wanted to bring up the

e-mail and apologize, but his brain buzzed on the adrenaline of bringing his son back to the hospital yet again. Even if they told him the procedure would be routine, they still intended to stick a tube into his little heart to take pictures. That didn’t seem routine to Julian.

Simon slid the form across the desk, not taking his hand away for a

moment as Julian picked up a pen.

Penning a looping scrawl, much like he’d done on countless books,

Julian signed the document that would allow his son to have the test he

needed.

“Okay, I’ll call up to the cath lab and let them know that you’re here

and that you’re ready.”

“Thank you.”

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Julian stood up, his back popping from the cold plastic chair. God,