A Heart Once Broken (13 page)

“I'm so sorry,” Lydia repeated.

“Let's think about something more cheerful,” Sandra chirped. “I don't want to spend all evening down in the dumps.”

“Well, there's Ezra,” Lydia offered. “Maybe he'll come to his senses soon and show you some attention.”

Sandra groaned. “I'm at my wit's end with the man. And Clyde isn't backing down on his professed affections for me. If only I could get Ezra to take me home on a date.”

“You just have to keep telling Clyde no,” Lydia said.

Sandra snorted. “It's not so easy. Believe me, Lydia, I've tried. Clyde tried to ask me home for a date the other evening when he
was visiting with his
daett
, and I all but told him no. I can't wait much longer for Ezra to make a move. Mark can't put me up for long after
Mamm
's wedding. I'm sure he wants to wed himself by the end of next year. After that, I can't depend on him for a place to stay, and I'm
not
moving in with
Mamm
. Not after all this, Lydia. What am I supposed to do?”

Lydia's mind spun as Sandra rushed on. “Clyde's
daett
is behind all this. Clyde's not smart enough to figure the financial condition I'm in or that I'll have no place to stay. Not on his own. His
daett
's fingers are touching everything now that
Mamm
plans to wed the man.”

Lydia reached over to squeeze her cousin's hand. “You do have a problem. But we must pray and see what doors the Lord opens.”

Sandra glanced toward the heavens. “If only I had such faith. Not that I'm faithless, but when you're right in the middle of a situation, it's so hard! There's no light at the end of this tunnel, so all my lectures to myself about trusting the Lord go out the window. I make commitments, but they soon fade away. I suppose I could get a job, but I've never worked in those
Englisha
places, or one of those little shops some of our people have. I can quilt, but that's not enough to support myself.”

“You shouldn't be so hard on yourself.” Lydia linked her arm with Sandra's. “These are troubled times we are going through. But get through we will!”

Sandra glanced at Lydia. “How do you take it so well? You're so courageous. You agreed to leave Ezra alone for me. That couldn't have been easy. Oh, Lydia, I'm so scared. It's never been like this before.”

“We just have to have faith,” Lydia repeated, almost trying to convince herself.

A pleased expression suddenly crept across Sandra's face. “There
is one
goot
thing that will come out of
Mamm
's wedding. I'll get to make a solid move in Ezra's direction.
Mamm
has agreed to ask Ezra if he'll be a table waiter with me. Isn't that just
wunderbah
? With a whole uninterrupted day with Ezra, maybe I can finally make some progress.”

“I hope so.” Lydia forced cheerfulness into her voice. “I suppose Ezra will understand, even though he knows that wedding match-ups don't mean anything.”

“That's true,” Sandra allowed, but her smile hadn't faded. “I'll just have to work all the harder to make sure Ezra has a special day. I, of course, will have the time of my life. Are you sure you won't be jealous, Lydia?”

“I'll be okay.” Lydia let go of Sandra's arm and motioned toward the house. “Let's go inside. It's chilly out here.”

As they made their way toward the house, Sandra began again. “Lydia, tell me honestly. What do you think of my chances with Ezra?”

“I honestly don't know. I hope it works out for you to wed Ezra.”

“Lydia, are you sure you don't want back in the chase?” Sandra asked.

“No, not now anyway.”

“What do you mean ‘not now'?”

“Well, for one thing, there's Rosemary in the hunt too.”

“Is that all? I think Ezra would choose either one of us over Rosemary.”

Lydia hesitated, then said, “Well, to be truthful, no—that's not all. We've never really kept secrets from each other.”

“So what is it?” Sandra asked with some excitement in her voice.

“Do you remember Rudy…from our
rumspringa
days?”

“
Yah
, but that was a long time ago. I'd almost forgotten him.”

“So had I…or so I thought.” Lydia grimaced. “The truth is, I
think I was quite in love with him. That was the reason I decided to end our
rumspringa
early and you followed.”

“
Yah
.” Sandra fell silent for a second, then added, “But you made the right choice, whatever the reasons, and I was done with
Englisha
boys anyway. So what has that got to do with anything now?”

“Emma and Rhoda are friends with Rudy's cousin. They think Rudy may still have feelings for me.”

“Well, for what it's worth, I kind of liked Rudy,” Sandra said. “Of course, now that you joined the church, Rudy is out of the question for you.”

“
Yah
,” Lydia groaned. “Whoever would've thought we'd end up like this? Poverty-stricken and out of options with men—the both of us.”

Sandra laughed. “We're laid low to the ground by the hand of the Lord Himself, that's clear enough.”

“If it came right down to it, would you marry Clyde if it was for the best?” Lydia asked.

Sandra sighed. “I can't see how. There are times when I think I'll live in Mark's barn or his henhouse, or sleep outdoors in a tent before I give in to Clyde like
Mamm
did to Amos. How could I ever be happy with anyone after my heart was set on Ezra? And yet…” Sandra let the words hang. “Maybe I am like
Mamm
. I don't know sometimes.”

Lydia studied the ground at Sandra's feet. Not so long ago they had both been so certain of where they were headed, but perhaps they had been bouncing off of each other. Once that point of reference was gone…

“You're mighty serious,” Sandra said. “You're scaring me, Lydia.”

Lydia tried to laugh. “We'll be okay.”

How could she put her thoughts into words? The relationship she had fashioned with Sandra over so many years was firm and solid. They
would
be okay. This was a deep valley, but valleys always
led to mountaintops…eventually. She would gather her courage for the climb. That was a more worthwhile endeavor than worrying over things that might never happen.

“Come.” Sandra took Lydia's arm to lead the way up the porch. “Here we are chattering away, and
Mamm
probably has everything planned for the wedding by now.”

“I imagine,” Lydia agreed. “And we should help.”

Sandra let go of Lydia's arm, and Lydia opened the front door.
Mamm
and Edna were indeed seated on the couch with notebooks on their laps.

Mamm
looked up with a smile. “All caught up with the news, are we?”

Sandra nodded. “I suppose so. At least our hearts are comforted a little.”

Edna's voice trembled. “I can say one thing for sure. I'm so glad I have my sister-in-law and you, Lydia, during this hard time. You don't know how much this means to me and to Sandra, of course.”

“We wouldn't have it any other way,”
Mamm
said.

Edna wiped her eyes. “Maybe the sun will come out soon in our lives.”

“I know we haven't been through the same valley you have,”
Mamm
assured her. “So cry on our shoulders all you want. We'll try to understand, but only the Lord can fully comfort hearts.”

“I hate these moments,” Sandra whispered. “I like life to be orderly and expected, not full of events that ooze and run in different directions.”

Everyone laughed because that sounded so unlike Sandra. Once the laughter had quieted,
Mamm
asked, “Where on earth did you hear something morbid like that, Sandra?”

“I remembered it from my
rumspringa
days.” Sandra chuckled.
“One of the
Englisha
girls said that one evening when her boyfriend had ended their relationship. It sort of spilled out right now, I guess.”

“What made you think of those awful days?” Edna asked.

“Lydia and I…” Sandra stopped. “Let's say the subject came up.”

Thankfully, Edna turned her attention back to
Mamm
. “So, that takes care of the cooks, and…”

Lydia leaned toward Sandra and whispered, “Thanks for covering for me. I really didn't want the conversation to go there.”

Sandra whispered back, “We'll make it through this time hand in hand. And here's to my great success with Ezra. So help me, Lord.”

Lydia tried to laugh, but the sound died in her throat. This was serious business, and they both knew it.

For the next hour, the four of them plotted out the wedding arrangements. Who would do what, and when it would be done. Finally, Edna gathered up her notebook and pens. “Well, Sandra, I think we'd best be going.”

Lydia smiled and hurried to open the front door for them. Sandra walked out with her
mamm
in tow and gave a little wave as she crossed the lawn. Lydia's
mamm
came up to stand beside her until Sandra and Edna had driven their buggy out of the lane.

“That poor woman,”
Mamm
muttered. “I can't imagine having to marry so soon after losing a husband. The Lord knows I couldn't do it—that's all I can say.”

“Edna seems to be taking it well,” Lydia said.

“Better than I would.”
Mamm
turned to go inside. “The truth is, she mourns Emil more than she worries about her future with Amos.”

Lydia continued to follow the speck of the buggy as it faded into the distance. A strange feeling crept over her, as if something else also had drifted from sight.

“How is Sandra doing?”
Mamm
asked when they were back inside.

Lydia jumped. “Okay, I guess. She's worried, of course, about what will happen once Edna and Amos marry.” Lydia pasted on a smile. “But Sandra's keeping up her spirits.”

What else was she to say? Sandra had kept her secrets tonight, so she shouldn't spill all of Sandra's worries.

“We can pray for them,”
Mamm
said, seemingly lost in her thoughts. “Now I'm going to join your
daett
for some much-needed sleep. I suggest you go to bed yourself and tell Emma and Rhoda it's bedtime, even if they are on their
rumspringa
.”

“I'll do that,” Lydia said, then slipped up the stairs.

Her sisters' room was dark when she arrived at the top of the landing. Lydia shrugged and went straight to her bedroom door. For once, Emma and Rhoda had retired at a decent time. She prepared for the night and slipped under the quilt, but sleep didn't come for a long time.

Chapter Thirteen

T
he next two weeks until
Mamm
's wedding day passed quickly. Sandra woke before dawn and climbed out of bed to peek past the bedroom window drapes. The stars twinkled overhead in a clear night sky. To Sandra, that didn't seem right.
There should be a storm raging outside by all rights,
Sandra told herself. A storm would have better reflected her feelings about what was about to happen.

Mamm
, on the other hand, had accepted her lot quite well. She already looked at Amos with deference and had obeyed his slightest wish while they awaited this day. Which was understandable in a way. Amos had paid for all the expenses, but
Mamm
's acceptance of him seemed to go deeper.
Mamm
had made a place in her heart for Amos, and today he would become her husband. The Troyers' home would contain only Mark and her tonight.

At the Helmuth home
Mamm
would be alone with Amos for two weeks, while Clyde would catch a ride back to the old community in Ohio for a visit with relatives.
Mamm
was already adjusting well to her new life. There was no question about that.