A Hope Beyond (28 page)
“Her name is Amy,” York had told his mother. It was this statement that set her off.
“Nonsense! Why would you call your sister by that name? Her name is Maryland.” They were her first words in some time.
“No, Margaret,” Joseph tried to reason with her, “this is not our Mary. This is York’s daughter, Amy.”
Margaret exploded in agitation. “How dare you steal my baby and call her by another name! You cannot do this!”
Joseph turned to York, shaking his head sadly. “You had better return her to Lucy.”
“No! Bring back my baby!” Margaret cried, her days of silence forgotten.
After that, Margaret seldom seemed in her right mind. Her few moments of lucid thought were now clearly relegated to the past. She cried for her children and raged at those who attempted to soothe her.
November grew into a month of unrest, both at Oakbridge and in Washington. The Whigs were up in arms and had actually taken to public scenes of protest. Placing themselves outside the White House grounds, they had fired several rounds of blank charges from a brass cannon. York had relayed the incident, which had resulted in much name calling and rock throwing, but no injuries.
It seemed as though the entire world had gone mad. Washington was divided, as it generally was, but the anger and animosity of the general populous caused York to remain at Oakbridge for an indefinite period. Even Lucy’s father, after coming to meet his first grandchild, had made the decision to close up the house in the city and return to his home outside Philadelphia.
“Let them all settle down and realize that this depression is no one person’s fault,” he had told York.
“The President’s house will be at the center of all manner of protest and riot,” Lucy had said fearfully. “Do you have to go back into that den, York?”
“It is my job, love,” he told her gently. “Knowing you’re safe will allow me to give full consideration to my own welfare.” And so it was settled, yet everyone remained on edge.
Carolina, too, felt a growing need to remove herself from Oak-bridge. She was discontent with every portion of her life, and had it not been for Lucy’s company, she would have pressed the issue with her father.
Lucy, however, was a blessing, and Carolina clung to her like a ship’s anchor in a storm. Ever the attentive mother, Lucy and Amy were seldom parted, and Carolina found both pleasure and pain in her time with them. The stirring desire to move forward with her life, even into marriage and motherhood, was something Carolina felt quite torn about.
“I wish I better understood myself,” she admitted to Lucy one afternoon. “I find I am in such a quandary.”
Lucy, quietly nursing Amy, arched a dark brown eyebrow in an unspoken request for explanation.
Carolina paced the room a bit and tried to collect her thoughts. “It’s just that I find myself wanting it all. Does that sound selfish?”
Lucy smiled. “No, but it does sound familiar. I could have declared those words for myself.”
“But you have it all. You have a completely devoted husband who respects your intelligence and isn’t intimidated by your wisdom, and you have a beautiful child. Your future holds nothing but the very best.”
“And yours is completely without hope, I suppose.”
Carolina paused and considered Lucy’s remark. “It isn’t that I deem it without hope. It’s that I’m uncertain what direction to move in. I know what everyone expects of me, but I don’t know that I can be that person.”
“And who would that person be?” Lucy asked, gently lifting Amy to her shoulder.
“The perfect hostess . . . lady of the house . . . wife . . . mother . . . ornamental figure.”
“And who is it that you want to be?”
Carolina shrugged. “That I do not know. Someone once told me I had to find the truth within myself. A truth no one else can figure out for me. The problem is, I’m not so sure I can figure it out, either.” She paused and walked to the window. Outside, the world had passed again into preparations for winter as December crept upon them. The stark land, devoid of greenery and flowers, seemed a perfect reflection of Carolina’s heart.
“I feel as though the entire world is whirling around me, and I’m standing still—my feet stuck in mud. I want an education, but I also want a husband and family.” She thought of James and felt a bittersweetness at the memory of his image. I want James Baldwin, she thought silently, but would never dream of uttering the words.
“You needn’t trade off one in order to have the other,” Lucy said, rocking Amy into a tranquil sleep.
“Are you certain of that?” Carolina eyed Lucy doubtfully, then continued. “Because I’m not. I see men who are intimidated by women who ask too many questions. I see men who find it offensive for a woman to have an opinion of her own, especially if that opinion crosses over into their masculine world. The men I know would demand I forget about college and the railroad and instead run a household and rear children. Which I want to do!” she exclaimed in complete exasperation. “But I also want the rest.”
Lucy smiled and nodded. “Then that’s what you should have. You’ll never be happy settling for less.”
Carolina came to Lucy. “But what if while insisting on having it all, I lose it all instead? What if I pass up the chance for marriage and family because I insist on going to college? On the other hand, what if I arrange to go to a university and find that it isn’t at all what I wanted or am even capable of, and lose again?”
Lucy got slowly to her feet and placed Amy in her cradle. After tucking a blanket around the sleeping baby, she turned to Carolina.
“Carolina, no one knows what the future holds except God. I’ve not heard you mention Him even once in your considerations.”
“I tend to forget that He has an interest,” Carolina said with a sheepish smile. “I know He cares and I know I am to seek His will. But what if God’s will is very, very different from mine?”
Lucy chuckled softly and led Carolina from the nursery into her adjoining bedroom. “Carolina, you know that God wants only the very best for His children. Why do you believe you might be an exception to that desire? Seek Him first, and the rest will follow in order. If you put God last, nothing else will stand the test of time, because you will have built on a faulty foundation. God can give you the desires of your heart, but your heart’s first desire must be Him.”
Carolina felt as though Lucy had just issued a startling revelation. “I know I’ve heard these words before, but it is so hard to remember. I mean, in the face of all that has gone on—Mary’s and Penny’s deaths, my mother’s suffering, Virginia’s hatred and elopement with Hampton, and now all this turmoil from the financial panic and such—I just feel so restless and anxious for my life. I desire to run away from it all. I long to be far removed from this place, yet Oakbridge is my home. How can I not cling to it and stay?”
“Pray and seek God’s voice.” Lucy put her arm around Carolina’s shoulder and hugged her. “He will show you what is best. Just as He did for me. I thank God every day for allowing my marriage to make us sisters. You are so like me that I see myself in you. I know we will be good friends long after the trials and tribulations of these days pass away. Just trust God to guide you, Carolina. He is able, and you must believe in that.”
Carolina left Lucy’s room to consider all she had said. For once a small peace took hold of her thoughts, and Carolina believed that the answers were closer at hand than ever before. The restless need to leave home could well be a good thing. Perhaps she could travel— maybe even visit her aunt and brother Maine in England.
Reaching the top of the stairs, Carolina could hear her father in what sounded very much like an argument. It seemed to be coming from the entry hall, and making her way down the stairs, Carolina wondered what in the world had caused such a stir.
She reached the entryway and gasped in surprise at the scene. Her father was red-faced and quite agitated, while a humble-looking Hampton and Virginia endured his tirade.
Locking gazes first with her sister, Carolina found a smug sort of satisfaction in the returned stare. She then lifted her face to meet Hampton’s eyes. His expression was startled for a moment, then fixed with a determined look of accomplishment.
Noting this exchange, Joseph turned to find Carolina. Her presence seemed to calm him instantly, and without giving thought to the fact that he was choosing one child over another, Joseph went to her and slipped his arm around her supportively.
“As you can see for yourself . . .” Joseph began, then let the words trail into silence.
“Yes,” Carolina said, lifting her chin as a sign of strength and acceptance. “I can see for myself the newlyweds have returned.”
Carolina went over the list of figures and information sent her by Leland Baldwin. The Potomac and Great Falls Railroad was suffering no less than the rest of America. Depression had caused the failure of many newer rail lines and businesses, and from the sound of Leland’s discouraging letter, the P&GF was desperately close to the same fate.
“I just don’t understand,” she murmured. Her father had assured her that the investments were solid and that even in the wake of the panic, they would have enough to begin clearing land.
Leland’s letter said otherwise.
“And while I know you are as anxious as I am to put tracks down and see the realization of this line, the financial distress of this country makes such a thing quite impossible,” she read.
“The cost of laborers will exceed what little remains of the initial investments, and this allows no consideration whatsoever for the purchase of supplies and equipment.”
Carolina shook her head. “It just doesn’t make sense.” She calculated the losses Leland outlined and found discrepancies in the figures. Perhaps some detail had been inadvertently omitted. She studied the columns, rechecked the investment losses and equipment costs, and still found that the totals were off.
Puzzled at this outcome, Carolina pushed the paper away and tried to reason through the situation. Obviously a good portion of the investments could have been lost in the panic. People were scared, and it was natural for them to pull out of risky deals. But by her father’s calculations and Leland’s admission, most of the investment money for the P&GF came from Adams money. Carolina knew her father hadn’t removed a cent of his support, nor had his investment been kept in the bank. So where had all the money gone?
She longed to go to her father and talk over the matter, but these days he was seldom open to such discussions. Her mother’s insanity had taken a fierce toll on the family, but especially on Joseph. When he wasn’t at Margaret’s side, he was so lost in brooding and dismal thoughts that Carolina felt it would be insensitive to present her worries about the railroad to him.
“I could have bet good money on finding you here,” Hampton Cabot said from the doorway of the library.
Carolina quickly stuffed the railroad report into a desk drawer and locked it before getting to her feet.
“Aren’t you even going to bid me good morning?” he asked in a tone that suggested amusement.
Carolina looked at him for a moment, drew a deep breath, then spoke. “Good morning, Mr. Cabot.”
“There, that wasn’t so hard, was it?” He sauntered across the room and took residence in the chair opposite her father’s desk. “I do believe you’ve been avoiding me.”
“Believe what you like, it is of no interest to me, sir.” She swept past the desk and headed for the door.
“So we are to be enemies?” he called out.
Carolina stopped and turned. “Enemies? Why, no. I wouldn’t give you that much consideration. You simply are unimportant to me, Mr. Cabot.”
“And well I know it. You act the part of the wounded maiden, yet I know full well you intended to reject my proposal of marriage. Are you merely put out that I rejected you first?”
“I have no idea what you are speaking of, but I am in no way distressed that you, as you say, rejected me. As you will recall, I told you on more than one occasion that I did not love you or care for the idea of marriage to you.”
“Then why the avoidance? Why do you treat your sister with such scorn, if not for want of her position in my life?”
Carolina gave a haughty laugh. “I have seldom ever envied Virginia anything.” She paused when an image of James came to mind. “Believe me, I do not envy her now, nor do I treat her with scorn as you might suggest. I have nothing but love and concern for my sister.” She turned to leave but stopped abruptly at the door. “And perhaps pity.”
“I assure you, there’s no need of that, sister dear,” Virginia said, pushing past her to join Hampton in the library.
Carolina shrugged, trying not to appear overly unnerved by Virginia’s contemptuous stare. “Given time, you may feel otherwise.”
She forced herself to leave the library in an unhurried fashion. Deep inside, all she really wanted to do was run as far away as possible from both of them, and yet she wasn’t completely certain as to why she felt that way. She didn’t love Hampton, and she didn’t envy Virginia’s place in his life. Still, there was something about the two of them living at Oakbridge that rubbed like a thorn in her side. With a sigh of exasperation, Carolina went in search of Lucy and the solace she knew could be found in her company.
“May I come in?” she asked, peering into the nursery’s open door.
“Please,” Lucy replied. “Amy is quite happily sleeping, and I’ve just picked up my sewing.”
Carolina took the chair beside Lucy’s rocker and stared dismally into the fireplace flames. “I want to leave Oakbridge,” she announced without warning.
“Leave?”
Carolina turned to meet Lucy’s dark eyes. “Yes. I can’t abide staying under the same roof with Virginia and Hampton.”
“I didn’t think you minded that they married.”
“I didn’t think I did, either.” Carolina folded her arms against her body. “In fact, I know that it isn’t their marriage that bothers me. It’s the feeling of living with such hostility and . . . well . . . evil. I feel as though evil has pervaded this house.”
Lucy nodded. “I told you once before that there was something quite disturbing about Mr. Cabot. I still can’t say what that something might be, but I agree with you.”