A Journey of the Heart Collection (2 page)

“He should go with you. Wade is too hard on him, and he wouldn't do well without you.” Her father coughed away a wheeze.

She couldn't believe she was actually thinking about it, but what other choice did she have? She liked Ben well enough. He had a nice home along the Wabash River, and he was always kind to Joel.

“I'll think about it,” she said as Ben's carriage came into view.

Ben swung Sarah around the dance floor past hay bales, bridles, and plows. The fiddle and the melody lifted her spirits, dampened by so much death and heartache. Women in hoop skirts and men in top hats had thrown off the heartache of the War Between the States tonight as they dipped and swayed on the barn floor. The food shortages had eased some, and the aroma of apple pie—a scarcity with the lack of sugar—wafted through the space.

Ben was such a fine dancer, strong and graceful in a way that made her feel she could float across the floor in his arms. He grinned down at her, sensing perhaps that she was beginning to enjoy herself just a little, for once.

Ben tightened his grip around her waist possessively. “Come outside a minute, would you, Sarah? I want to talk to you.” His smile was warm, but his firm voice brooked no objection. She let him lead her toward the big sliding door of the barn, beyond wooden tables piled high with pumpkin rolls and pies of every imaginable flavor, past the seated older women who watched their exit with wistful smiles.

As Ben led her into the cool of the evening, Sarah's weariness gave way to a rising dread. After her father's request before the dance, she suspected Ben had already mentioned his intentions to her family. She wasn't ready.

Her steps faltered as she hung back. “Wait, Ben. Let me get my shawl.” Her hands shaking, she took her blue shawl from a peg on the wall and wrapped it around her shoulders.

“Come on, Sarah.” His face purposeful and his voice impatient, Ben tugged on her arm and drew her outside.

The full moon shone down on them, but the most light came from the lanterns strung around the graying barn and through the muddy yard. The lights dipped and swayed like fireflies in the light breeze. The air was moist and tangy, a mixture of ripening grain and the smoke from a bonfire in the adjoining field. The October night had a slight chill, and Sarah pulled her shawl more closely about her shoulders.

Ben pulled Sarah down onto a bench away from several other couples watching the bonfire shoot sparks high into the darkening sky. “It's time we talked about our future, Sarah.” He hesitated as if
gauging her reaction. “I want to marry you. You know how I've felt about you for years, and now that Rand's gone—well, I hope you'll consider me.”

Sarah raised a trembling hand to her throat and felt her pulse fluttering under her fingertips. How did she tell him Rand still occupied her heart? That she would never love anyone again? She swallowed hard, but the words stuck in her throat.

Did she have the obligation to make others happy when it was in her power? She owed it to Papa to get her life settled. How could she refuse to do whatever it took to ease her father's worries? And besides, what else did the future hold except to be someone's wife? Like her father had said, she didn't want to live with Wade the rest of her life.

She stared up into Ben's earnest face. “What about Joel? I can't go anywhere without him.”

“I know that, honey. He's more like your own boy than your brother. We have plenty of bedrooms. I hope to fill the rest of them with babies Joel can be a big brother to.”

His words eased the ache in her heart somewhat. Didn't Joel deserve a more normal life too? Ben was a good man, a successful man. He'd make sure she and
Joel never wanted for anything. What more could she really hope for? “All right. I'll marry you.”

Ben smiled in spite of her lackluster response. “I'm so glad, my dear. You won't be sorry.”

Her stomach sank as she twisted her icy hands in the folds of her skirt.
I already am.

“Shall we go announce our good news?” Without waiting for her answer, he drew her up and tucked her hand into the crook of his elbow. “Your family will be so pleased.”

She pushed her shoulders back and held her head erect as they walked into the barn. She could do this, for her family. For her father and brothers.

Ben pulled her with him to the front of the room and waved his hands. “Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention?”

The music stopped with a last, dying squeal of the fiddle, and flushed couples stared back at them. Her cheeks burned and Sarah took a deep, calming breath. She caught her dear friend Amelia's stricken look and nodded encouragingly.

Sarah glanced up at Ben. He was so good-looking, though in a different way than Rand had been. Ben's hair was blond, almost white, and he had gray eyes
the color of the Wabash River on a stormy day. He had a self-confident air, and his charm smoothed most obstacles he encountered. Like her father had said, she would never want for anything as Ben's wife.
Except for love.

Ben dropped a possessive arm around her shoulders. “You all know how long I've tried to get Sarah to agree to be my wife.”

“I always thought she showed a lot of sense,” called Jason Maxwell from up in the haymow, where a group of young men had been playing checkers. Some adolescent boys who'd been watching the game hooted with laughter. “The prettiest girl in town ought to be able to do better than you.”

Ben laughed, too, but there was little humor in his eyes. “Well, you can all congratulate me—she finally gave in! You're all invited to the wedding—and it'll be a humdinger!”

Friends and neighbors crowded around quickly to congratulate them, and Sarah was hugged and kissed as she fought to keep her smile from slipping. Wade grinned smugly as he shook Ben's hand.

Joel came over for a quick embrace. “What about me?”

She was the only one who heard his whisper, and
she pulled him close. “Ben says you can live with us. It will be like a real home, honey. You'll see. And you can go see Papa anytime you like. We'll live close.”

His smile came then, and he released his tight grip on her. Over his shoulder, she saw the two Campbell boys, Rand's brothers, making their way away from the party. What must they think of her? When Joel turned to speak to Ben, she ducked away quietly and hurried to intercept them.

They stopped beside the heavily laden tables to wait for her. Before she could say a word, Jacob took her hand in his, his dark eyes, so like his older brother's, sad in spite of his smile. “No need to worry about us, Sarah. We saw this coming. Besides, Rand wouldn't want you to grieve forever. We just want you to be happy. Right, Shane?”

The youngest Campbell pushed his blond hair out of his face and turned sober blue eyes on her. “Right. The only thing is—” He hesitated and looked from Jacob to Sarah. “What if Rand's not really dead?”

Sarah gasped. “What on earth do you mean?” There was a faint flutter of hope in her chest. Did they know something they hadn't told her? Shane held his tongue. “What does he mean, Jacob?” she asked.
“Rand is dead. Ben saw his body in Andersonville. Father got official notification from the army. And his name was on the list in the newspaper.”

“But we never got his body or his things.” Shane's chin jutted out. “There could still be some mistake. Maybe he was wounded real bad. Maybe Ben was wrong.”

Jacob frowned at his brother. “Shane, that's enough. It's been over a year since he was reported dead. Don't you think Rand would have written? Or the army would have contacted us? It's no wonder we didn't get his body back or his things. The casualties were too overwhelming. Thousands were buried in unmarked graves. Both Union and Rebs. I know—I was there at the Battle of Chickamauga. We don't know how he died, but I have no doubt he's gone. You have to face the truth, Shane.”

Shane's eyes shone with unshed tears, and Sarah fought tears of her own. She didn't think she would ever get used to the reality of Rand's death, but she understood why Jacob was being so brutal. Shane couldn't begin to heal until he accepted it. Just as she was finally beginning to accept it.

Jacob put a comforting arm around Shane's
shoulders as tears trickled down the youngster's cheeks. “I'm sorry, Sarah. I had no idea such a notion was brewing in that brain of his. Forget what he said and just be happy.” He reached out and touched her cheek. “Ben's a lucky guy. But remember, whatever happens, you'll always be a part of our family too.”

“Thank you, Jacob. I'll remember,” she whispered as she watched them thread their way through the throng.

There was a soft touch on her arm, and she whirled, thinking it was Ben, that he would see her tears. But it was just Amelia, her blue eyes anxious. “You're crying. Are you all right?”

“Oh yes. It's just those Campbell boys. They're so sweet . . .”

Amelia laughed. “I am awfully fond of Jacob.”

“Good thing you're marrying him then, isn't it?” The two friends laughed and hugged. Amelia held Sarah at arm's length and leveled her gaze. “Are you being honest with me? You're not crying about Ben's announcement?”

“No, of course not,” Sarah objected, a little more strenuously than she meant to. “I'm thrilled!”

“Now I know you're lying to me.”

“I know you don't approve of Ben, but this is really for the best. Wade says . . .”

“Wade says? When did Wade ever say a sensible thing in his life? Just tell me this: Can you look me in the eyes and tell me you love Ben?”

Sarah pressed her lips together. Amelia always cut right through to the heart of the matter. “Amelia, I know you mean well, but that question gets us nowhere. I have to marry soon or I'll die a spinster in Wade's home.” She shuddered. “And Ben loves me.” The excuses sounded weak, even to her own ears. “It may not be the life I'd dreamed of or hoped for, but Ben can provide a good life for me.”

Amelia hesitated, eyeing Sarah. “You know I want that for you. You deserve that and more. But why Ben? I don't think you love him.”

“I like him well enough. Since he got back from the war, he's about the most popular man to walk the streets of Wabash.” Sarah nodded toward the cluster of young ladies hovering around Ben in the middle of the floor. “I know a couple of girls who would give anything to be in my shoes. Be happy for me, Amelia. Please? Will you stand up for me and be my bridesmaid?”

Amelia sighed. “Of course I will, if we're still here. Jacob's leave is almost over. He has to report for duty at Fort Laramie soon. When is the wedding?”

“We haven't set a date yet, but don't worry—you'll still be the first bride.” Sarah didn't know how she could stand to be separated from her best friend. From across the barn, Ben motioned for her to join him. “I've got to go, but we'll get together tomorrow and make some plans. Okay?” She hurried off, pinning her smile back on.

By the time all the well-wishing and hugging were over, the rest of Sarah's family had left to go home. She'd hoped they'd all be in bed by the time Ben dropped her off.

At Sarah's house, a dim light still shone through the parlor window's lace curtains as Ben helped her down from the buggy. The window was open, and she could smell the aroma of fresh-brewed coffee. Evidently no one was going to bed anytime soon.

He leaned down to kiss her. “You've made me very happy tonight, my dear.”

She flinched a bit as his lips grazed her cheek. She'd better get used to it. Ben grasped her waist and started to pull her closer. In spite of her resolve, Sarah quickly pulled away from his grip. “I'd better go in. My father is waiting up. I'll see you tomorrow?”

She rushed up the stairs without waiting for a reply, her heart lightening a bit with every step. When she walked onto the wide front porch, she glanced back. Ben watched her with an unsmiling stare. Had she upset him?