A Kind of Truth (28 page)

Holy fuck. The accompanying photo was the kiss from last weekend’s show. It was a good, clear shot, but I couldn’t help thinking one stupid picture certainly wasn’t evidence of sexual orientation. It could be a fluke or an attempt to get the audience’s attention by doing something some idiots still thought was outlandish, like a man kissing another man. A relatively tame display in the world of music. But it could cause havoc for an intolerant politician’s campaign. If it hadn’t been for Will, I would have whooped with childlike glee at the idea of pissing off a stodgy, hypocritical asshole. However, I knew this wasn’t a matter of “good guy versus bad guys.” Real life was much more complicated.

I closed my laptop when I heard Will moving behind me.

“Want coffee? What did Tim want? Seven on a Sunday is way too early. I wouldn’t usually bother going to school, but I have a ton to do today, so it’s just as well….”

I tuned out his words and observed him as he moved around the kitchen. He was dressed in navy pajama bottoms and one of my old concert T-shirts. I loved the homey feel of watching him putter around, opening drawers, then measuring coffee for the state-of-the-art industrial machine I promised to buy with my first check. It was the kind that made it hard to fuck up a superior cup of java. No doubt he was waiting for me to poke fun at his interest in the new toy the way I did most mornings. We were a couple of twentysomethings who acted like newlyweds. Husbands. The realization should have frightened me, but it didn’t. I never thought I’d want this. I wasn’t looking for it, but I loved what we had together. I was overcome with a feeling of protectiveness for it. For us. I didn’t want to lose this life. And I didn’t want anyone or anything to harm him or make him unhappy.

He was talking about how long he’d be at school and something about making dinner later. I nodded as I moved to sit at one of the barstools. He was chattier than normal. I wanted to play with him, say something off-color to make him laugh or roll his eyes. I wanted to tease him, throw my arms around him, and see how long it would take to get him back in bed. I wanted him to smile at me and assure me I was worth whatever was coming his way.

“Well?” Will stood on the other side of the island with two coffee mugs and glanced at the coffeemaker, then back at me. “What did he want?”

I tried a smile I knew fell short of the mark. I opened my mouth but nothing came out. Sweat beaded on my forehead and my palms felt slick. Not good.

“Are you okay?” He moved around the island and ran a soothing hand over my brow. “Maybe you should go back to bed.”

I swallowed hard and backed away from his touch. “I’m all right. I mean, I’m not but—fuck, I….”

I felt his worried stare as I turned to grab my computer from the living area. The walk to the adjoining room and back again was like moving through quicksand. I moved slowly and with dread. I set the laptop on the island between us.

“Tim called to tell me what was in the morning paper. And online. We’ve been outed.”

“What do you—?”

“Just read it.”

He gave me a funny look, then adjusted his glasses and looked at the screen. It took less than ten seconds for the color to drain from his face. He went so still I wondered if he was breathing.

“Will?”

He shook his head, then went eerily still again. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but it wasn’t this macabre silence. He stepped away from the island and headed for the bathroom. I went after him, grateful he didn’t lock the door. I pushed it open and stopped in my tracks. He was standing at the sink splashing water over his face repeatedly. Water was everywhere. It ran down the mirror, over the marble counter, and onto the floor. There was something alarming in the violence behind his action. It was manic and a little crazy. I was paralyzed for a moment. To say I had limited experience in offering comfort would be an understatement. I had no bedside manner to speak of. When things got tense, I tried humor. I could rarely think of a solution or worthwhile advice to give when it mattered most. It wasn’t my forte. But the guy splashing water all over the fucking bathroom with his glasses strewn carelessly on the counter wasn’t just anyone. He was mine.

I picked up a towel and handed it to him. He didn’t look up and he didn’t take it. I winced when he made a strained retching sound, like he wanted to vomit but wouldn’t let himself. He looked like hell. I stared at my reflection to give him a moment to pull himself together. I didn’t look so hot, either. My coloring was off. My hands shook and my heartbeat seemed unsteady. Fast then slow then fast again.

“Will, take the towel. I—”

“Leave me alone for a minute. Please.”

“Baby, we need to talk.”

He straightened slowly, then hunched over the counter again. I studied his body language as I watched him brush his teeth. He leaned heavily on the marble and kept his gaze down. I could practically see a wall forming around him, blocking me out. He reminded me of the perfectly pressed and distant Will I’d met at the beginning of the year. The one who communicated best through music, not words. Will finally took the towel from me, swiped carelessly at his face, set his glasses back on his nose, and walked out of the room.

“Will.” I followed him back into the kitchen. “We’ll figure this out. We can—”

“There’s nothing to figure out.” His eyes welled ominously. He pursed his lips as though it might check the flow of unshed tears.

“Hey, we’re in this together. We can spin it however we want. Blame it on me. It was my fault, and you were an innocent bystander. We’ll say I was egging the crowd on. No one will take it seriously.”

“Right. Except you’re forgetting the part about me being onstage in a wig, makeup, and—how did this happen? Who told them? I can’t believe I got fucking outed on CNN.com! It had to be Leah.”

“Yeah. I think that’s a safe bet. She promised she wouldn’t say anything, but I shouldn’t have trust—”

Will held up his right hand, then picked up his coffee mug and set it back on the granite countertop hard. The sound ricocheted in the room ominously.

“What do you mean? Did you know about this? Did you know she knew about me?”

My heart beat a little faster as I moved to his side. The rigid set of his shoulders wasn’t inviting, but I needed to be closer. I turned his words over in my head, wondering how to answer. I could claim anyone in the band could have googled and found out his dad was Charles Sanders, but I’d tried that myself and found that if you weren’t actively searching for clues and missing links, the connection would be easy to miss. Sure, it was there, but it wasn’t obvious. I could tell him I didn’t know, but… I couldn’t lie.

“Yes.”

Silence.

His breath hitched slightly, but his gaze didn’t falter. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t want to worry you. She said she wouldn’t say anything and—”

“You believed her? She’s a viper. She’s out for number one only. She wants in on the ground floor, and I’m in her way. Did you honestly not think she’d use whatever she could against me? Or were you too concerned about your own ride to the top you didn’t think twice about who got fucked over on the way?”

“You know that’s not—”

“It turns out, I don’t know anything! I trusted you and now….”

“Will, let’s be rational. Does it matter who knew or how long?”

“Good question. When did you know that Leah knew who my father is?”

I gulped as the ground beneath me shifted. When I didn’t answer right away, he scoffed and gave me a contemptuous glare.

“The flight to LA.”

“A few weeks, then.”

“Look, if you think about it, you got caught being yourself and so did I. Our cover was blown, but is that really so bad? Being honest is better. Your parents have known that you’re gay for years. They’re the ones who chose not to be truthful. You’re just having a fucking life. A life you like. How can that be bad?”

Will gave me an incredulous look and let out a decidedly humorless half laugh. “You’re unbelievable.”

“I’m just saying we should think and not overreact—”

“You think I’m overreacting? You think I should just relax? No big deal, right? Fuck you! Fuck you and your incredible ego. This was a mistake!” A sudden fiery wall of frustration poured from him.

“This is not a mistake. It’s a… predicament. We’ll figure it out.”

Will picked up the empty mug and crashed it against the granite island. Shards of porcelain went flying everywhere. I stared at him with my mouth wide open. Gone was the mild-mannered, sweet guy I thought I knew. His eyes blazed. I felt his anger like a physical storm moving in the air around us.

“There is nothing to figure out,” he screamed. “Don’t you get it? I’m about to lose everything. Everything! You, my family…. Why couldn’t you fucking tell me the truth?”

His voice echoed as a heavy silence fell. I was momentarily paralyzed with shock. Will never yelled. I was the hothead. He was the voice of reason. But certainly not now. He wasn’t making any sense.

“There was nothing to tell. You aren’t going to lose me, baby. Nothing has to change. Nothing.”

“You’re wrong. I knew this couldn’t last but—God, I can’t believe it’s ending like this.”

He let out a long sigh that morphed into a pained, choking noise. He was scaring me more than I wanted to admit. I searched for something calming to say to restore balance, but I was a novice here. I stepped around the broken pieces of coffee mug to close the distance between us.

“Nothing is ending, Will. We’ll work this out.”

Something in his rigid stance caved a little. The armor was slipping. I was fascinated and a little afraid of his rawness. It was like seeing someone stripped bare against their will and unsure of how to react. Will went perfectly still for a long moment, then slumped in defeat. He shook his head unhappily, then shoved his fingers through his hair and bit his lip.

“Will, I’m sorry.”

“Right.” He took a deep, ragged breath and closed his eyes. “Well, I asked for it. I acted like a jealous idiot. I shouldn’t have kissed you in front of her. I shouldn’t have let her know I was the one standing in the way. I knew putting myself out there, even in disguise, might backfire. I should have known better. There’s no winning. If you tell the truth, it gets used against you. If you lie and get caught, you better come up with a good reason or a better story to trump the last one. I’m out of lies, and nobody likes the truth. I don’t know what to tell my parents. I’m not moving back home but—”

“You aren’t going anywhere. Just… hang tight. When I get back from this meeting, we’ll discuss this and—”

“It’s over, Rand.”

“It’s not over, but we’ll get through it. We have—”

“No. You aren’t listening to me. This was always temporary.”

My heart thundered in my chest. “We don’t have an expiration, Will. We aren’t temporary. If we—”

“Stop it!” We stared at each other until the sound wave gave way to a heated silence. “There is nothing to get through. We’re over. I’m not standing in your way. I won’t be your liability and I won’t be your fucking afterthought on your way to the top.”

“You aren’t my aft—”

“You don’t know what I am to you, Rand. You aren’t ready for me. You want one thing and you’re willing to overlook some unpleasant truths to get it.”

“What unpleasant truths? What are you saying?”

Will barked a short, humorless laugh. “This was never just a summer job for me. You were never just the guy I was tutoring. God, Rand, you’re an overgrown kid one minute and a fierce crusader the next! I love your big mouth and your ridiculous sense of righteousness. I love that for as impatient as you are, you always wait for me to catch up. But the problem is I lied to you months ago when I said I wouldn’t fall for you. I knew all along I would.”

My mouth went dry. I felt like I was sitting at the very top of a roller coaster waiting for the drop. “What’s the unpleasant part?”

“The truth. I love you.”

That sounded promising. I tried a smile but something told me I wasn’t out of the woods. “Then why—?”

“We won’t work. You’ll never be able to put me first. I can’t trust that you feel the same way about me, and honestly… I’m not sure I trust
you
. Nobody gets everything they want without sacrificing something.”

I grasped his shoulder with one hand and lifted his chin so he’d look me in the eye. “Stop this. You
can
trust me. You’re being crazy. We’ll figure this out. One thing at a time. Just hang tight. We’ll—” He closed his eyes as if in pain and pulled away from me before turning toward the bedroom. “Where are you going?”

“I’m going to take a shower and then… I have to call my parents.”

“Okay, that’s good.” I nodded in agreement. Action was good. I willfully ignored his stiff posture and barreled through with a list of plans. “I have to go to the studio. You call your folks and go to school. I’ll pick up whatever you want for dinner, and we’ll talk over a bottle of something amazing. Do you want me to meet you on campus or—?”

“No, I need to pack some things and—”

“Whoa! What things? What are you saying?” I rounded the island and grabbed his elbow before he reached the hallway.

Alarms were ringing. Great, red, flashing lights warning me the roller coaster was on a steep and treacherous descent. Will yanked his arm away but he wouldn’t look at me. I leapt after him, pinning his back to the wall and caging his head between my arms. I wanted to scream at him for walking away. For having the temerity to leave me. The tears welling in his eyes stopped me. I inched away and gently traced his cheekbone, nudging my thumb under his glasses to wipe at the moisture on his eyelashes.

“I told you. I’m leaving.”

“You can’t go, Will.”

“Please don’t do this, Rand. Please don’t pretend it’s okay. Be honest. You want too much.”

“Baby, I want you. I can’t lose you. This isn’t about anyone else. Your parents, Leah, or the band… it’s about us. You and me.”

Will gasped. A tear trickled unchecked down his cheek. My heart was in my throat. I never felt more vulnerable in my life. I pulled him into my arms and held him tightly. His body trembled and shook with a heart-wrenching misery as he gave in to tears. He pushed me aside after a minute and wiped his hand over his nose absently.