A LaLa Land Addiction (27 page)

Bleu would love to be with Iman, but to tell him that she had endangered their unborn child or, worse, to find out that the child was in fact Cinco's would destroy him. It was in that moment that she decided to raise this baby on her own. She shook her head no.

“Then you'll stay with me. I'll help you out,” Noah said.

“You have a girlfriend and a life and—”

“It's nothing to talk about, Bleu. The only deal breaker is the drugs. You can't use, B. I can't watch you become Sienna. As long as you're clean and you're doing the right thing for this baby, we're good. I'll take care of you and I'll take care of this baby like it's my own,” he promised.

“How did I get so lucky to have a friend like you?” she asked rhetorically.

Noah kissed her forehead and stood to his feet. “I've got to go make this right with Naomi. I'm trusting you to be here when I get back,” he said.

“I'm not going anywhere,” she promised, this time really meaning it.

He turned to leave.

“Noah?”

He stopped.

“My mom?” she said. “I'll never be like her. I'm going to get clean. For her, for this baby, for you…”

“For you, B. Do it for you,” Noah said before walking off.

Bleu leaned back against the pillows of the hospital bed and looked up at the sky. “Help me, God.” All she could do was pray.

*   *   *

Noah walked into his old apartment and saw Naomi sitting in her panties and bra counting up the money from his latest drop. She was sexy, confident, and strong as she nodded her head to the J. Cole album that played softly in the background.

“Yo' put that up for a minute. Let me talk to you,” he said, causing her to jump. He smirked. “You ain't even on point, baby. I could have been a nigga coming to rob you.”

Naomi stood and walked into his arms. “Shut up. Give me a kiss,” she whispered as she greeted him sensually, jumping up on him, forcing him to catch her by placing his hands under her ass.

“Wait a minute,” he said seriously as he lifted her off him. “I need to talk to you about something. It's important.”

Naomi frowned and motioned for him to sit down as she grabbed her short silk kimono robe off the back of the chair. She slid her arms into the soft fabric, then had a seat next to him.

“What's up?” she asked.

“I know Bleu showing up is awkward for you, but she's going to be around. She'll be staying with us for a minute,” he said.

“Excuse me?” Naomi asked.

“She's pregnant and she's strung out. There isn't anything you have to worry about. I just need you to ride this out with me. When she's on her feet she'll get her own spot. It's only temporary,” Noah said. “Can you handle that?”

Naomi was seeing red. She wanted to tell Noah to choose, but she had seen the bond between Bleu and Noah. Naomi was afraid she would lose if she left it up to him. “Yeah, okay. You should help your friend.”

Noah pulled her on top of him and kissed her deeply. There was no way Naomi was just going to let Bleu come to town and take her spot. She didn't care if they were friends or not; the only woman Naomi was playing second to was Noah's mama. This affection that Noah had for Bleu was more than irritating Naomi. It was too intimate. As Naomi untied her robe she thought to herself,
I'm going to get rid of this bitch one way or another.

 

20

“I can't do this. I can't … it's too hard,” Bleu whispered as she gripped the sink in the guest room of Noah's home. Her doctor had warned her about this feeling, about the pain and the inevitable depression that would hit her in the days following her release. Her body was going through detox, and because she was pregnant they couldn't give her medicine to help with the extreme changes her body was going through. Bleu had been using for so long that she had changed the dopamine levels in her brain. Dopamine helped manage pain, emotional and physical. It was what made an orgasm feel so good and what made a splinter in a finger feel like no big deal. Without it in her system everything was magnified. From emotional wounds to physical bumps and bruises, Bleu felt it all. She had to purge her system of its impurities, and doing it cold turkey was proving to be unbearable.

“Yes, you can, Bleu,” Noah said as he came up behind her and placed his hands on her shoulders. She cringed at his touch; even her skin hurt.

“Stop saying that! You don't know! You have no idea what I'm going through!” Bleu shouted. She was taking her frustration out on him, but he wasn't taking it personally. He knew life had beaten her up. She was facing an uphill climb and getting to a place of healing wouldn't be easy. He reached around her body and placed a hand on her stomach. “Just think about why you're doing this, B. It's important. Remember how you felt when Sienna used to run the streets instead of taking care of you? How you used to feel being the daughter of two crackheads?”

Bleu looked at him through the reflection in the mirror. He could see by the look in her eyes that she remembered it vividly. Pain resonated within her.

“Remember that feeling. You don't want this baby to feel like that,” Noah said.

Naomi came into the room with a plate of food and halted uncomfortably, as if she had walked in on an intimate moment between lovers.

Her face fell. She scoffed as she rolled her eyes, set down the plate, and walked out. Her anger was apparent and Noah removed his hand.

“You better go deal with that,” Bleu said. “I'm sorry. I'm not trying to complicate things between y'all. Maybe I should just go to a rehab center.”

“You're not complicating anything and you ain't going nowhere. I don't want you worrying about anything except getting better,” he said. “It'll get better. Y'all just have to get to know one another, because nobody is going anywhere. You're here and she's here and I'm here. We just got to make it work.” He nodded toward the plate of food. “She ain't ever even cooked for me. She's jealous, but she is trying. Just give it time. Eat and get dressed. You've got to say good-bye to Sienna today.”

Bleu nodded as she watched him walk out of the room. She walked over to the plate and picked it up. “Bitch probably spat in it,” Bleu said before throwing it in the trash.

It didn't matter if Naomi tried or not; in truth it didn't even matter what Noah did to Bleu right now. Everyone pissed her off. She was mad at the world. Everything irritated her. The world around her seemed dismal. She felt like she was drowning in front of everyone and no one could swim well enough to save her. She didn't know how she would survive the day. All eyes would be on her as she put her mother in the ground, and she didn't want to be in the spotlight. Not like this. Not when she was most vulnerable. Bleu had lost control of her life. She was terrified that she would end up just like her mother. With a kid who hated her because she loved dope more than she loved her own seed. It was so much easier to just stay in the clouds than to face the consequences of reality.

She turned and looked at the black dress Noah had purchased for her.

It was a pretty way to cover up the ugly person she had become.

She snatched the dress off the rack and rushed into the en suite bathroom to try to clean herself up as best she could. She didn't want to be the focus of today. She wanted to blend in with everyone else who attended and let Sienna be laid to rest without making a mockery out of her memory.

*   *   *

If the goal was to blend in, Bleu failed miserably. As she stepped out of the bedroom, she glowed. She may have been going through her own personal hell, but with her face made up to perfection, the Fendi dress, six-inch heels adorning her feet, and her hair pulled back into a sleek chignon, she looked like she had stepped straight out of heaven. She was thin but still beautiful, and seeing her took Noah's breath away. Bleu didn't look like what she had been through. God had kept her through it all. Naomi felt like someone had punched her in the gut when she saw the awestruck look on Noah's face.

“I'm not ready for this, but I guess I have to be,” Bleu said, just above a whisper.

“Let's go bury your mother, B,” Noah said.

The three of them were silent on the way to the church. Bleu didn't feel comfortable speaking about her feelings in front of Naomi, so she opted to say nothing at all. Instead she looked out the window as the city passed her by. When they passed the apartments where Noah had found her, she tensed. Bleu closed her eyes as the stress of the world rested on her shoulders. It was that same stress that made her want to get high because she knew that it could all just go away with one little puff.

She bit her inner cheek, drawing blood as she listened to the sound of her heart beating. She was in the middle of her detox period.
It only takes ten days to flush the immediate drugs out of your system,
the doctor had said.
After that your body will begin to feel normal; it's your mind that will make it hard for you to stay detoxified after that.
The doctor had warned her. Bleu had to get her mind right. Once she trained her brain to function independently of the faux happiness that crack gave her, she would be able to find true joy without the aid of any stimulant. She couldn't wait for the day.

When she, Naomi, and Noah arrived at the church Bleu couldn't bring herself to get out. Her angry stomach twisted violently and she didn't know if it was a part of the process or if it was her nerves. She took a deep breath as Noah held open the back door for her.

“I need a bathroom. I feel like I'm going to throw up,” she told him. She rushed inside the church.

“I'll check on her,” Naomi said. “You get seated. I'll get Bleu together and we'll find you in the front.”

Noah looked at her in shock, and as she walked away he grabbed her hand, spinning her back toward him. He kissed her lips, giving her a quick peck. “Thank you.”

“Anything for you,” she said with a wink before turning on her heels and going after Bleu.

When Naomi entered the bathroom she could hear Bleu inside one of the stalls. Naomi frowned as the smell of vomit filled the small room. “You good in there?” Naomi called out.

The toilet flushed and Bleu cleared her throat before coming out. The last funeral she had been to had been her father's, and she knew from the hole in her heart that this one would be no easier. It had been a week to the day since Sienna had killed herself and Bleu was six days into a lifetime sentence of recovery. They had been the most excruciating six days of her life.

Bleu bypassed Naomi and bent over the sink to rinse her mouth.

“Here,” Naomi said, handing her a stick of gum. “You fucked up your beat,” Naomi added, referring to Bleu's makeup job. She pulled a compact out of her Chanel bag. “Here, let me fix you up. That woman popped you out her pussy. You can't come to her funeral looking crazy. Let's get you all the way together before you step out there. Better adjust your crown, girl.” Bleu stood still as Naomi grabbed a paper towel and wiped the tears from Bleu's face before fixing her running mascara and smudged foundation. “You know, I'm really sorry about your mom,” Naomi said. “I can't even act like I know what you're going through. Then with the withdrawal and everything I know it's tough.” Bleu fanned herself, feeling abnormally hot as Naomi continued. “I mean look at you. Your body is all fucked up. You can't even control your temperature. You're sweating like you ran a marathon.” Naomi put the compact in her purse and then reached inside and pulled out a vial of cocaine. “Look. I know you need a little pick-me-up. Just for today to make it through this funeral. It's not like it's crack or H. It's just a little powder for you to balance you out. It'll be our little secret. It'll make you feel so much better. Handle your business and Noah and I will meet you up front.”

She placed the vial in Bleu's hands and gave her a tight-lipped smile before walking out. Naomi knew that once Noah discovered Bleu was getting high again she would be out on her ass. Naomi was tired of babysitting and watching Noah give all of his attention to Bleu. If Naomi had to sabotage Bleu's recovery in order to get rid of her, then so be it.

Bleu's hands shook as she rushed to lock the bathroom door behind Naomi. She sighed in relief as she looked at herself in the mirror, knowing that this was exactly what she needed.
It's just a little coke,
she thought. Bleu had forgotten that it was that same logic that had gotten her started on this horrific journey in the first place and she was about to succumb to the same thing that had led to Sienna's demise.

 

21

“You all right? You was in there for a while,” Noah whispered as Bleu took her seat between him and Ms. Monica. Bleu met eyes with Naomi, who sat on Noah's other side.

Bleu nodded as she sniffed and blinked away her tears. “Will you go up there with me?” she asked.

Noah stood and placed a hand on the small of her back as he led her up to Sienna's coffin. He had spared no expense. “She looks so pretty,” Bleu said. “I've never seen her look so peaceful.”

Bleu turned and looked at the handful of people who had shown up. The church was practically empty. Sienna had lived for fifty-one years and of all the people she had met only ten had bothered to come tell her good-bye. Bleu didn't want to be like that. She didn't want to die addicted and lonely, with a troubled soul. Bleu was terrified to leave behind a resentful, scarred child. Bleu wanted more and it wasn't until she saw her mother lying in this casket did she truly realize that this life wasn't for her. She had thought she would cry. She had thought that this day would be unbearably painful, but it wasn't. It was freeing. She had finally received the message that Sienna had meant to deliver. Her death would not be in vain. Bleu would use her mother as the motivation she needed to get clean. Sienna had set the example not to follow. Bleu leaned over Sienna's body and kissed her cheek; one tear fell onto her face. “Rest well, Ma. I forgive you. Thank you,” she whispered in her ear.