A LaLa Land Addiction (24 page)

“I'm busy. I'm on the clock,” Sienna commented.

“Look. I know you don't want me here, and frankly, I don't want to be here. You and I have never seen eye to eye. Believe me, if I could have turned anywhere else I would have, but unfortunately, I'm here,” Ms. Monica stated.

“Girl, what do you want? Just spit it out. I don't have all day,” Sienna said.

“I'm here about Bleu,” Ms. Monica revealed.

The mention of her daughter's name made Sienna freeze. She stopped working as she sat down in the booth. It had been so long since she had seen her daughter's face. Even before Bleu had left town, Sienna had been absent from her life. Sienna had been too consumed with drugs to even care about what was happening in Bleu's life. When Bleu had been shot, Sienna had been on a weeklong run. By the time she came out of her high Bleu had already checked out of the hospital, but Sienna couldn't even use that as an excuse. She didn't really try too hard to find Bleu and make sure she was okay. Truth was, Sienna had been a bad mother to Bleu and nothing made her realize that more than being sober.

“She's out there in Hollywood, right? Living the grand life,” Sienna said as she blinked away tears. She pushed the initial stun to the back of her mind and continued to clean the booth.

“She's here in Flint and she needs you. She's in a bad way and I don't think there is anyone else who can help her but you, Sienna. She needs her mother,” Ms. Monica stated.

Guilt weighed on Sienna. “I ain't never been much of a mama to that girl. Ain't that what you were trying to be all this time? Take my place. I'm sure you can help her out,” Sienna said.

“No one can ever take your place, Sienna. That girl has wanted you to step up and nurture her for as long as I can remember,” Ms. Monica said. She was disgusted at Sienna's disinterest. “Do you hear me? Stop cleaning these damn tables and listen to me for a minute. Your daughter needs you, damn it.”

It wasn't that Sienna didn't want to be there for Bleu; she just didn't know how. There were so many things she had done to endanger her child, so many mistakes that Sienna had made, so many sins she had committed against her own seed. Sienna didn't know if she could look Bleu in the eyes. How could she face Bleu? Sienna feared that reconnecting with her flesh and blood would put so much pressure on her that she would resort to smoking dope. The guilt and remorse of all the things she had put Bleu through would eat her alive as soon as she set eyes on her child. It was best to just not think about Bleu at all.

“That girl stopped needing me a long time ago. She's big-time. I'm sure whatever is going on, she can work it out,” Sienna said.

Sienna started to walk away, but Ms. Monica grabbed her arm. “She's on drugs, Sienna, and while I showed her how to comb her hair, taught her what a period was, and helped her with her homework when things got too hard, I can't help her with this. Nobody can. She's on crack and only you can help her with that.”

Sienna snatched her arm away from Ms. Monica. “Just get out of here,” Sienna said. “Go!”

Ms. Monica shook her head and grabbed Sienna's pen and order pad out of her apron. “Here is the address where Bleu is staying right now just in case you want to be her goddamn mother for once in your miserable selfish life,” Ms. Monica said with disgust. “That girl deserves so much better.”

“Everybody can't be a saint like you!” Sienna shot back. She rushed to the back, hiding in the kitchen out of sight of judging eyes. She broke down immediately, sobbing. The news of Bleu's addiction made Sienna feel so guilty that she instantly thought about going out to get high. Her heart felt heavy, as if it would fall out of her chest and rip right through her other organs. Nothing had ever felt this bad. The overwhelming urge to wrap her lips around a pipe hit her, causing her mouth to tingle. Since she had gotten clean the urge to do wrong had never hit her this hard.
Fuck this,
she thought as she snatched off her apron and rushed out of the back door.
What do I have to lose?

*   *   *

Noah sat on the side of Bleu's bed. “You can stop mugging me, B. I don't care if you're mad,” he said as he picked up the pieces to the Scrabble game and placed them on the board.

“
B-r-a-t,
” Noah spelled.

“Ha-ha, very funny,” she said as she pushed the Scrabble board away. “Why do you care so much about what happens to me?”

“You know the answer to that,” Noah replied.

She didn't say another thing, because he was right. She did know, and at a time like this when she was at her worst she was reminded just how lucky she was to have a friend like him.

“In a day or so, when it gets unbearable, promise you won't judge me,” Bleu whispered. “I've always used before I allowed myself to see the monster in me.”

“I won't ever judge you,” Noah answered.

The doorbell rang and Noah stood.

“I'll be right back,” he said as he made his way out of the room. He pulled open the door and he didn't know if there was an angel or a devil in his presence.

“I should have known that Bleu was here with you. You have always been her knight in shining armor, I guess. Can I come in?” Sienna asked.

Noah knew that the relationship between mother and daughter was a strained one and he wasn't sure if he should allow Sienna entry into his home, but what right did he really have to refuse her?

He stepped to the side as she passed him. He scanned her, taking in her appearance. He had never seen her clean before, so the sight before him was almost like a mirage. It couldn't be real, but he had to question her, because if there was even the slightest chance that Sienna was still getting high he wasn't letting her near Bleu.

“No disrespect, but for as long as you've known me I've been fucking with your daughter. That's all I'm about right now, making sure she is taken care of, and I can't let you see her if you are still on drugs,” he said.

“I'm not on drugs, Noah,” Sienna assured him. “But I hear Bleu is. Can I just see my daughter?”

Noah nodded and led her up the stairs.

He walked back into his room and Bleu was focused on the Scrabble board. “
L-o-s-e-r…”
She looked up from the game and her face fell in a mixture of shock, disgust, and fear as her mother entered the room behind Noah.

Suddenly it felt like Bleu couldn't breathe, as the walls seemed to close in on her. Time stood still as mother and daughter faced off for the first time in years. Tears filled Bleu's eyes as she stared into Sienna's. Neither of them spoke, but an energy pulsed between them.

“What is she doing here?” Bleu shouted to Noah. “Get her out of here! What is she doing here!” Bleu shouted as she pulled at the handcuff she was anchored by. “I hate you! Get out!” Her cries were so shrill as she tried to get free, and Sienna bolted from the room. Noah had never seen Bleu spaz out in this way. She was panicking as anger and years of hurt threatened to bury her. “Why would you bring her here?”

Noah went to her side and knelt on the side of the bed as he rubbed her back.

“Sh-h, calm down, B,” he soothed. “It's okay. It's okay,” he repeated. Bleu cried, ugly tears, tears that spilled pain that she had buried for decades, tears that made snot run down her nose and had her heaving for air. “You wouldn't be hurting this much if you didn't care. Just breathe for me, B. I promise you it's going to be okay. You've waited years to see her like this. She looks clean. That's a start. Now you can tell her everything you been holding in since we were kids. She can hear you now. Just calm down. You can do this. You can face her, B, and if you're not strong enough to do it by yourself I'm right here with you.”

Bleu was holding on to Noah for dear life as he knelt over the bed in a praying position while holding his hands over Bleu's.

“I've imagined this moment for so long, but now that it's here I don't know what to say,” Bleu whispered.

“Just say what you feel,” Noah said.

Bleu nodded. He kissed her forehead and Bleu sat there waiting with bated breath until Sienna reentered the room.

“I'm sorry to just show up like this,” Sienna started, and then paused to clear her throat as nerves took over her. As she surveyed Bleu in the bed, her frame too thin for comfort, her eyes sunken in, her eyes wild from drug lust, Sienna felt sick.
I did this to my baby,
Sienna thought. She thought back on all the years she had neglected to parent Bleu, all the times she had sent Bleu to the block to cop for her, and all the times she had let grown-ass men fondle her daughter to pay for drugs and Sienna wanted to die. Of course Bleu had ended up here. She was doomed from the beginning.

“What do you want?” Bleu asked while wiping her eyes. It was almost like she didn't know her mother well enough to let Sienna see those tears.

“I want to ask how did you get here? My smart girl, with the big dreams, and the brains to match. You weren't supposed to end up like this, but I know exactly how it happened,” Sienna said. “I only have myself to blame. I could have done things differently.”

“Let's not sugarcoat this,” Bleu said, steaming as she looked Sienna straight in the eyes. “You never gave a single fuck about me. I was your daughter and you just didn't care.”

“Then why do you want to be like that? Because that's what you're becoming. You're becoming the selfish cracked-out bitch who doesn't care about anything or anyone except getting high,” Sienna said. “You don't know how happy I was when I found out I was pregnant with you, Bleu. It was the best day in my life and I was pretty good at the motherhood thing too, at first. But then I started feeling tied down. I started having too much time on my hands. My homegirls were out partying and bullshitting while I was stuck in the house raising you. So I started to bring the parties to me. Me and your father were the only kids our age with our own place, so no rules, no parents. It started with weed and just escalated from there. It was supposed to be fun, but the next thing I knew ten years had passed and I was on my knees in alleyways sucking on real dicks for glass dicks.”

“And when you became washed up you let grown-ass men rub their hard dicks against me, and suck on my tender breasts, all so that you could smoke for free,” Bleu said. “I hated living in this city. I hated being here because everybody knew what you were. All my friends, my classmates, the teachers!”

“I know,” Sienna admitted. Bleu was screaming so loud that she was shaking. Sienna moved closer to her daughter, drawn to her like a magnet. The pain that Bleu felt Sienna felt, and she climbed into the bed with her baby as Bleu laid her head on Sienna's chest and cried. “I know, baby girl, and I'm so sorry. I had no worth, so I couldn't teach you to value yourself. You are so worthy, Bleu. Worthy of every single thing you ever wanted. I know you did a lot of dreaming because reality was so bad, but you deserve nothing but good. It hurts me to know that you're doing the same things that destroyed me,” Sienna said, her voice cracking as she held Bleu.

“It hurts so bad that…”

“It feels good now,” Sienna finished for her.

Bleu sat up looking at her mother in shock. She had never thought anyone would be able to relate to the backward logic, but it was something that Sienna knew all too well.

“I felt everything you are feeling right now, Bleu,” Sienna said. “I know how tightly the devil has a hold on you, but you are not his to control. You're one of God's loveliest angels, Bleu. You're supposed to soar. The devil can only hold on to you if you hold him back. Let go.”

“I can't,” Bleu admitted.

“
I
did,” Sienna said. She pulled out a circular coin and held it up. “It's been three months for me. This is my ninety-day chip,” she said as she placed it in Bleu's palm. “I had years on the street, I did every drug that there was to do, and if I can do it you can. You are so much stronger than me. You just have to feel the hurt that you're suppressing, Bleu. Let it out. Hate me, hit me, curse me out, but just get it out. I can take it. I deserve it. This life that you've stumbled into … the drugs … the addiction … it isn't for you, Bleu, and I can promise you that if you don't get your life together it will kill you.”

Bleu held on to Sienna as she closed her eyes while her mother stroked her hair. This was the love that she had been missing. It was the bond that she had craved for so long and the connection that she had searched for everywhere she went. She had wanted to feel like she belonged to someone. She wanted Iman to claim her as his and his always, but the only true person whom one ever really belongs to is their mother. Sienna had never made Bleu feel loved until this moment, and as she felt the rubs of her mother's hands on her scalp she felt soothed, protected, and cared for.

“You have so many people who love you, Bleu. That boy out there. He's special. You only get one love like that in a lifetime,” Sienna said. “As long as he is behind you holding you up, you'll never fall,” Sienna schooled Bleu.

“It's not him. He isn't my one,” Bleu said dismissively as her thoughts drifted to Iman. “My one is in L.A.”

Sienna chuckled. “Trust me. If it's one thing I know, it's men. You're young and you think that you met someone out there who you want to be with. He's different from what you're used to because you're not from where he's from. He's handsome, probably charming, and he is probably a great man for somebody … but you found the soul that your heart wanted a long time ago in Noah, and no matter what happens, you'll always find your way back to him. You just have to get clean, baby. We have to get the poison out of your system so you can go after everything you deserve. It's not too late for you; I promise.”